Simple Journal

[Girzo]

#18 

+- Sleep deprivation makes me more conscious in a weird way.

+- Caffeine is my new friend.

+- I am doing a lot of work. The sad thing, it's meaningless compared to other things I could be doing.

INSIGHT: Today I was sitting in a classroom and saw how we all are a part of society which is an ever-evolving organism living on it's own. People's actions are in reality system's operations executed at itself. When you are changing yourself you are not only changing yourself, you are fighting with that whole big machine and it's incredible power.

Edited October 31, 2017 by Girzo

[Girzo]

#19 

+ Met new friends, it was a cool night out. I start to develop that abundance mindset. The goal here is to stop being needy.

[Girzo]

#20 

+ I have enormous ease with training. Working out brings unearthly awareness and unspeakable insights. I feel like I should take a look into yoga.

- But it seems like there is also a price for this physical performance. I crave food like crazy and my eating habits are a mess. I eat cake, then meat, then again cake. The problem is I am not the one putting it into refrigerator. And being tired makes it easier to binge. I am going cold-turkey, starting now.

EATING HABITS:

• Intermittent fasting: 11:30-19:30.
• 3 meals a day, each taking up to 30 min.
• No sugar, no bread, no cake.

[Girzo]

#21 

- I feel pain. I am sitting in my room on a chair gasping painful sounds. Emotions make me feel physical pain. It's like all the suppressed emotions from my childhood are coming to a surface. And I also feel sad, because I don't have a girlfriend and I would like to have one. It doubles up the suffering. All my muscles are tightened up, but when I let them loose this inevitable pain comes up. I don't like it.

- I eat even though my body tells me not to. That's fucked up.

Edited November 2, 2017 by Girzo

[Girzo]

#22  

+ Tripped balls, so hard.

- Too hard.  1.5 blotter of AL-LAD is too much for me to stay fully conscious of what's happening. Not for social situations.

+ I feel as good as never, it amps up mood to the roof.

- But I still have a shit-ton of work to do, sadly it didn't disappear. But now I know it doesn't have to be this way. I can cut shit from my life, I can cut a lot of it. Distraction, distraction.

[Girzo]

TRIP REPORT:

I am not sure what to write here. I am so blown off, but not spiritualy, but like a normal human being. The best experience of my life for sure, but I haven't experienced much yet.

Type & Setting: 1.5 blotter AL-LAD (225mcg, probably less), home alone, music for a good start (Infected Mushroom ).

Music gave me a structure to hold on and a sense of clarity.

What came up first in my mind, and what I hold as a key insight of this trip, is that there are appearances and actual experiences. It's not the advertisement that's important, but the actual thing. Your imaginary vision of sex is nothing like a real thing at all. Same goes for psychedelics, you can't really know what it is until you try it. Everything flashes in your face and makes promises, but not everything delivers. Cut the shit that doesn't work, test new promising shit, optimze, repeat until you are no longer here.

I have discovered a lot of femininity inside during this trip. I am not sure if it was, because I lack attention from girls in my everyday experience or because I am constantly repressing my feminine side. Probably both. Anyways, I have received a lot of love from cute pop-art girls. I was repeating to myself over and over again not to get lost in the beauty of it. Mushy, kushy, blushy, pooh pooh. Pure pleasure.

I went down. Down to my private hell. I was scared at first, but decided to enter anyways. It was dissapointing. No fire, no devils. Everything was covered with ice. It couldn't be that way. Instantly, I have ignited everything, summoned devils, gave life to this place. Let there be a hell, so there can be a heaven. Everything can have a thousand of faces, just like the Devil, so don't trust appearances, see things for what they really are. See yourself for what you really are. I resonate with the idea of devilry and the Devil, but it's my caricatured, cartoon-like spin on it. Sometimes the bad side turns out to be a good one.

I have experienced mild shift in perception and got how it feels. I was laughing at my self looking serious at me. Then I became a serious one and were looking at the laughing one. Back and forth. And simultaneously. Nothing really changes, but everything is different.

I am actually amazed by visual part of the trip. It's nothing like what I have expected. It has this 80's vibe to it, very colorful with taste, not like all those psychedelics renders on the web. Smooth gradients, no contours, simple shapes. Sometimes vibrant, sometimes bland. Very clean and geometric, symmetric patterns. I came to conclusion that nothing is really symmetric, the mirror becomes the picture itself. All symmetry is groundless.

 

Writing it all down feels stupid, but I decided to do it anyway. What I can articulate compared to the depth of thoughts I had is ridiculous. And I feel like it wasn't even that deep. Either it doesn't make sense to talk about these things or I need to work on my ability to conceptualize stuff.

[Girzo]

#22 

+ I have been using my new creative power to create images in Photoshop. It's fun.

+ I met with my friend and we had a deep conversation about a sense of direction in life and motivation to become your best-self.

- I have slept 5 hours.

[Girzo]

#23 

+ walked through the fields, looking with marvel at nature. encountered a wild cat and investigated boars' footprints.

[Girzo]

#24 

+ Psychedelics elevate consciousness level long-term for sure.

+ Self-inquiry is now much deeper (but still shalow)

- I get distracted a lot.

[Girzo]

#25 

+ I have shed a tear during today's self-inquiry session. My two favourite questions are: "Who am I?" and "What am I?" asked repeatedly. When I start to wander off in my mind I just go back to them.

+- Work, work, work.

- I feel like there's a lot of pain and sadness hidden deep inside of me. But what is me?

+ And now I feel happy. Weird thing.

Edited November 7, 2017 by Girzo

[Girzo]

#26 

+ Psychedelics really did sky-rocket my consciousness level. Now I really know what self-inquiry done right feels like. I wonder how long it will last.

+- I have had a lot emotional release throughout the day. It happens subconsciously. I think it might be related to the fact that I am currently reading "Love, Sex and Heart" by Alexander Lowen.

+ I paid a guy to do a job for me today. Feels entrepreneurial. 

TOPICS TO RESEARCH: Art of conversation, hiring and working with people.

 

[dude]

Hey what kind of products do you sell? 

liking your journal, easy to read 

[Girzo]

I do translations on Fiverr.

[Girzo]

#27 

+ I am tired, but my awareness is high as never.

- Which may be not so high, because I got so happy when school ended that I fell off the stairs and have broken my leg.  I want it to make me sad, but it's by some weird reason not the case.

- After that I have fainted and tripped into darkness. It was scary. As I was coming back there were more and more trippy visuals and I felt enormous anxiety and being trapped. Then suddenly ego popped back into it's place and I became a normal person again. I know it took only a few clock minutes, but felt much longer. Like much, much longer, but can't tell exactly. I thought it's interesting, because I have fainted in the past, but never remembered that altered reality. And it isn't a cosy place at all.  Really, I don't want to go back there at all...

+- Based on that story and fear I felt, I can say I am not ready for enlightement. But I guess no-one is...

[Girzo]

#28 

- Fuck it. I have fainted again. Why do I stress so much about a leg?

+ I went to a hospital. It turns out it's just a stress and I am perfectly healthy, all the results were good. It took around 5 hours, but a sense of relief is worth that.

 I was prescribed Tramadol as a painkiller. I am not taking it because of possible interactions with effects of LSD I took a week ago. I will wait those 10 days minimum to regain tolerance. Also it has a terrible list of side-effects and is basically an opium, which is in my opinion an overkill for my symptoms.

Edited November 11, 2017 by Girzo

[Girzo]

It's a September's calendar page illustration I had to do for school. "Grzyby" means shrooms in Polish.

 

[Girzo]

#29 

- My leg hurts, my mood hurts.

MOOD TRACKER UPDATE:

It's hard to overestimate power of psychedlics

[Girzo]

#30 

- I need to learn to focus more.

- Am I addicted to intoxication? It seems like it. I over-stuff myself with food or numb with endless browsing of web. It lowers consciousness and is the only way in which I can escape doing productive, emotionally demanding work. I wonder if replacing all that with meditation whenever I want will help with the problem. I also need to sleep more.

+ I have manged to do some work today anyway,

[Girzo]

#31 

I have integrated myself after the trauma of breaking a leg.

Research on a plant-based diet gave me few interesting insights about my own dieting habits. I think my concepts on nutrition are now more aligned with the truth about this topic. Will see. I am cutting half of my animal protein intake and doubling on greens, legumes and fruits.

I really need to convert my notebooks to digital version.

I crave drugs, good things I actually know it would be an escapism to take them right now. I have a lot of other worthwhile stuff to do right now. Work on my diet, finishing The Natural course, searching for life purpose.

I did massive research on darknet markets. It's just a distraction, because I don't plan on buying anything there anywhere in the future, but curiosity has won.  I already have had some knowledge, but it needed refreshing.

[Girzo]

Weekly update:

20.11.17 #38 =

• I am ok mood-wise, but feel somewhat unproductive. But it's improving.
• Diet is ok.
• I get angry at people for now reason.
• I feel more and more energy flowing through the body. Whatever it means.
• NOTE TO MYSELF: I would like to contemplate more.

19.11.17 #37 =

• I am feeling weird today. More conscious, less productive 
• A lot of neurosis is like coming out.
• I focus on stiffness of my body and try to let it go.
• I also try to allow everything as it is.
• 4-HO-MiPT is interesting to research.
• But I have a few lysergamides to go.
• I will start doing maths.
• My mind gets clear sometimes. It's cool.
• I keep on eating healthy stuff.

18.11.17 #36 +

• Did some work.
• Ate healthy.
• Longest and deepest talk with Stefan ever, over 5 hours of talking.
•  

17.11.17 #35 +

• I over ate on vegies and fruits. It seems to still be below recommended calorie intake.

16.11.17 #34 +

• Got rid of plaster. Today is a great day!
• I am happy to start training again. Slowly.
• Ate pretty clean today.
• I will take injections for a week more.

15.11.17 #33 =

• I am feeling anti-social today, still I have a willingness to talk with people.
• I have become kind of neurotic, a lot of uncontrolled behaviour and nervousness.
• Today I have eaten: one yoghurt, one sandwich, one mincemeat cutlet, one portion of rice, one carrot - I am starting cleaning up my diet.

14.11.17 #32 +

• I have had this cool feeling of meditation passing by super quickly
• I ate fatty sweets and felt bad. Body tries to teach something the mind.
• I started The Natural pua course again.

I think I will go more private and post only interesting stuff here from now on.