Simple Journal

[Girzo]

Personal Journal. For personal things. Mainly expressing emotions.

Purpose of this journal is to keep track of habits and emotional state.

Legend:  = 2 points up |  = 1 point up |  = neutral |  = 1 point down |  = 2 points down (compared to day before)

#1 

+ I keep on rocking that meditation habit (Strong Determination Sitting +1h).

+- I did some exercise today, but could have done more.

+- I have got binge eating attack today, but it was just bananas and some bread. It's getting better, last time it was a full cake.

- I am lying to myself so freaking much, talking bullshit to others, just unconcious stuff.

Edited October 13, 2017 by Girzo

[Girzo]

#2 

+ I have watched movie with friends.

- I haven't talked with any girl and didn't go clubbing today.

[Girzo]

#3 

+ I have taken half a tab of AL-LAD, feels good.

+ I have grasped that ordinary is extraordinary and extraordinary is ordinary.

+ I have partially grasped that God hides behind the Devil's mask.

(both insights are more a results of meditation, but al-lad boosts the process and reconnects you with your body nicely)

[Girzo]

#4 

- My heart aches from muscle tension created by al-lad.

+ I have meditiated SDT for 1 hour as good as never.

- I had a dream about kissing a girl that I have kissed before, but now she has a boyfriend. It was a pleasant dream, but after waking up it felf like a nightmare and I couldn't sleep.

+ I am in a good mood and feel much more stable emotionally compared to a week ago.

- For some weird reason school stresses me out, I never have had that.

+ I enjoyed a cool walk through the forest in the sunshine today. Total silence, total calmness and trees full of colors. Yellows, reds, browns and greens bringing smile to my face.

[ajasatya]

1 hour ago, Girzo said:

+ I enjoyed a cool walk through the forest in the sunshine today. Total silence, total calmness and trees full of colors. Yellows, reds, browns and greens bringing smile to my face.

That

[Girzo]

#5 

- Effects from taking psychedlics slowly fade, yet my muscles are still somewhat tense and heart aches a little bit.

- I didn't do proper meditation today.

- I took a friend and we went to a Toastmasters meeting. It sucks, I don't know if it just was a bad day or it always sucks like that. I won a hot questions contest there.

+ I started bussiness habit with a friend. We have created a board on Trello with goals for tommorow. Baby steps.

+ I feel more socially aware and overall in a very good and funny mood, but on the other side maintainig this state makes me tired AF.

[Girzo]

#6 

+ I have written cold calling script, so bussiness habit goal for today is almost completed.

+ I have got $68 in sales today.

+ 1 hour of SDS meditation.

+ Physical pain from taking psychedelics has disappeared completly. (it took 48h)

+ I did strength training and running.

- I feel like I don't have enough time and I am afraid of burnout.

 

[Girzo]

#7 

+- I have skipped school in order to work on stuff people bought from me yesterday. There wasn't anything interesting going on anyways.

+- I drove to McDonalds for free coffee. Coupon clipping mentality all the way. 

+- I did binge eat, but only good stuff, and only after I had finished running.

+- 20 minutes of meditation only.

+- I am in a weird mood where I want to talk non-stop and I am kind of very friendly.

+ I have experienced few moments today that simply can't be put into the words. It's not that they were very profund, but non-symbolic nevertheless. It's like the whole world stops, but things are happening anyway and you don't feel bad about the way your life is, and you almost get that everything that happens is democratic and feels close to samadhi from what I have read. I haven't experienced it yet, but I feel like I am going to experience that thing that people call samadhi. Maybe 40-60 hours od SDS more and I will get there. But I don't have any expectations really, it's just monkey-mind writing.

+- Yeah, I am too talkative today.

 

[Girzo]

#8 

+ I went bowling with friends.

- Low consciousness day.

[Girzo]

#9 

- BINGE (I haven't eaten dinner today and that fucked me up. I binged on milk, bread, sugar and cheese. Pro-tip: don't make eating one meal too much an excuse to eat one more, and one more.) Sometimes it really feels like there is a Pig living inside.

- I am stressed out from work.

+ I have done a lot of work today.

 

[Girzo]

#10 

+ Sometimes I feel like a con artist. I have taken a challenge and completed an order that was way above my capabilities. Feels good right now, because I have learned something new.

+ I was overall more conscious and calm today.

+- I have had spontaneous visual hallucinations. I was collecting quince fruits and suddenly trees started moving and merging with each other. It's very easy to snap out of these visuals, but also very pleasant to play with them. I have bad distance sight and it's easyfor me to see unusual stuff. Sometimes I see a haystack on grassland, then I come closer and suddenly haystack becomes a cow.  It's very trippy and funny. It's like the brain can interpret the same raw data in two completly different ways based on expectations and it's amazing how sudden and drastic the switch is.

- I still eat too much.  But I don't blame myself, winter is coming, temperatures are jumping up and down and my body is overall confused, so it's not surprising I want to eat non-stop. Solution: more consciousness work, so I have the power to execute techniques that will help me getting lean.

[Girzo]

#11 

- My routine sucks...

+ ...but who cares? I am feeling soo good.

- I will pay for that tomorrow.

+ But for now let's enjoy and look at what I have done today: 4x4x400m intervals run, 20 min meditation, went to school, earned $20. Ate 5 bananas plus 3 apples and one... onion. Weirdest mix of my life. A weird part is that it actually has tasted good.

[Girzo]

#12 

- Lack of sleep will kill me.

+ I got another $68 in sales today.

+- There's a lot of work to do this week. I see it as an oppurtinity to develop work ethic and improve daily routine.

- I have realized I got back to old weight from a month ago. It's not tragic, under 80kg and I am 180cm tall, but I would like to get lean.

[Girzo]

#13 

+- I eat too much, but I exercise twice as much, so it evens out, but it will backlash in the long term. I need to find a better solution if I don't want to wear off my body.

+ Poland is a Christ's country. You know, there's no better place on Earth to live if you want to follow christianity path. So lately, I was sad that there are no mindfullness retreats where I live. Then I thought: "What about christian retreats? They for sure have something mystical to offer." And you know what? They do. I have already booked 2 days seminar, cost - $12. I am curious how it will turn out. They say that a goal is for everyone to experience some God during those days. And when they were talking about this, they knew what they were talking about, their words were not that different what from what Leo was describing as his first spiritual experiences. On the other side Christianity is a deep rabbit hole, like conspiracy theories or psychedelics, so one should remind himself not to fell into it and stay true to main self-actualization path and practices.

+ I did a solid portion of work today and went to sleep relatively early = my headache stopped.

[Girzo]

#14 

+ I did a solid amount of work.

+- Still, it could have been more, but I don't want to burn myself out because of lack of sleeep.

- Ate candies.

+ Went running in the rain with friends. It happened spontaneously that we all 3 went running at the same time. All the lights reflecting and water sprinkling all around with every step. Running in group is so much more practical than going alone. Not only you don't get bored, it also improves performance. I track every session, the numbers are much better when running with someone.

[Girzo]

#15 

+ I have gone to a club today. It was fairly pleasant experience. I feel like I am making progress, some stuff becomes easier and more natural to me.

- ...BUT, I still could be doing more. Having more fun. Having more touch. Having more sex (any sex to be honest).

+ I have done some work today.

- And also slacked off some work. I don't have the balls to tell a client it's a shitty task and I have accepted it too fast, because it should be priced 8x higher to do it right. I will probably just do as much as I am paid for.

PLANS FOR THE FUTURE:

= Go clubbing more! Once two weeks at least. One week you do Psychedlics/Life Purpose/Career. A next week you Socialize/Go Clubbing.

[Girzo]

SOCIALIZING FIELD REPORT:

1. What I did well?

• I have positioned myself as a cool guy.
• I gave a space for a girl to game me a little bit.
• I decided to go to the club and have made adequate preparations beforehand.
• I have had a shit-ton of creative openers ideas, all relevant to the situtation.
• I went full sober. No distortion of reality and fake growth feeling.

2. What not so well?

• I was too needy in the begining.
• My voice lacks confidence after some break from talking.
• I was too judgemental about looks and not decisive enough to reaproach a girl that I kind of liked to ask for her number.
• I didn't dance almost at all, but that can be taken also as a positive, because it was something new - to approach girls on the floor without dancing with them.

3. What should I do better?

• Approach more!!! Warm up and motivate yourself better.
• Learn to dance, so you can have more confidence on the dancefloor and more options to provide fun. Watch a video course on that topic.
• Be more decisive. Have a solid standard of what you like in a girl, at least for that one night you go out.
• Hesitate from judging. Understand real motives of people.

Sidenotes: I have also heard a few conversations of the girls in the club and went to conclusion that they have some kind of a thinking frame that gives them certainity that they always can find a guy. And I saw it's as true many times, but also as not-so-true a few times too. Nevertheless, I believe it would be beneficial for me to adopt this frame of thinking and make it my own paradigm. But I have to be careful, because setting up belief systems is a very tricky thing.

Edited October 28, 2017 by Girzo

[Girzo]

Analysis: This is my mood for the first 15 days of writing this journal. It seems that after taking a psychedelic there was a harsh backlash. I am getting better, but slowly. I will stick to my current habits. If they still prove ineffective or not bringing satisfying result I will change them and hopefully make improvements. Now it's too early to judge anything.

[Girzo]

#16 

- I have eaten a lot today. A lot of sugars too. Drank 2 coffees. It's high time I stopped it. I need to clean my body. It damages my progress on so many levels. For example, I can't do psychedelics, because I am unprepared and too tired.

+- I start to notice a connection between body and emotions more and more. Alexander Lowen's books are good read on this topic.

+ I have met a lot of family members today and have spent a quality time with them.

HEALTH TIPS:

Eat fermented food whenever you have sweet-tooth.

This will help in cutting sugar from your diet totally.

Allow yourself to meditate whenever you want.

This way you won't crave food when you are stressed out. Currently eating and physical exercises are my only ways of freeing up my mind from tension. It creates viscious cycle. Eating + training + eating + training + ... = too much strain and damage to a body.

[Girzo]

#17 

- I am kind of doing everything wrong,

+ ...nevertheless I feel good and very conscious.

+- I am trying my best, but there simply isn't enough time. I should cut something from my life. I have yet to decide what exactly.