Self Destructive With Girls?

[Valach]

Hello,

I am not sure how to describe my problem but I will at least try to do so. I will be grateful if anyone could tell me his opinion about this. About a year ago I got into a pickup (specially RSD) and started to practice it. Throught that I found out about personal develptment a spirtiual work, which I started to practice. Since then I recognized improvements in almost every area of my life (I am more healthy, happier, joyfull, calmer, school is suddenly easy and so on). What concerns me though, is that I cant really tell that I have improved with women or in socializing in general, although, I have tried quite hard. The weirdest thing for me is this self sabbotage that is going on with women. If I get a date, I usually cancel it, because I kinda of a dont want to go there. Or if I sleep with a girl that I find really attractive both on the inside and on the outside I just like step back.

    I just feel that like I am pushing against some 'higher power' of myself a I just cant break it :D. I would like to hear if anyone has some similar experiences and could share his opinion with me.

 

Thank you

 

Btw. I am not a native English speaker, so I hope I have explained myself sorrowfully  :).

[heisenburger]

I can help valach

 

Remember there is only self sabotage because a subconscious part of you wants it. We don't just sabotage for fun or no reason, there is a reason that benefits you. A good way to clear it up is to ask this squeezing a lemon question.

 

imagine never being able to date a girl again, what's the advantage that comes up? Just make something up even if it's stupid for example maybe it's something like "I would never have to worry about embarrassing myself in front of them". Keep going until nothing comes up. 

 

You can also ask "Imagine if you had to date girls all the time whats the disadvantage". Keep going. This is something you can do whenever you have a spare minute driving in the car or something and eventually the subconscious disadvantage comes up, than you can ask if you want to let go of it or keep it if maybe you like having it there.

 

Here's an example of what was happening with me. One advantage to not being able to date again that came up if I imagined it happening was "I can't get in trouble". It seemed kind of strange but then I traced it back to this. When I was five years old in primary school I was talking to a girl, this was the stage where all the boys are like "eww girls" and 'Girls have cooties" you know that whole thing when you are a kid. So my brother saw me doing this and said "I'm going to tell our parents you were talking to a girl", this created the subconscious belief that talking to girls is bad from a young age, and that I'd be breaking the rule doing it. From than on whenever I liked a girl i'd act distant and kind of ignore her try extra hard to make her think I don't like her. 

 

Just an example of how this exercise can work. But remember only do it if you want to, sometimes we actually prefer self sabotage.

Edited October 11, 2017 by heisenburger

[Valach]

Oh, I can see.

I have had similiar problem, that I cant really engage with people and I prefer to stay distant from them. So I guess I have to wait for those moments when I again start feeling like not doing what I want and start feeling powerless and then sit with the feeling and explore it? Right? I might have some ideas why my childhood could be a cause of this, but I am not quite sure about this yet :).

Edited October 12, 2017 by Valach

[Ricky Walt]

@heisenburger You know what hey, thats some really insightful commentary right there!! I also had a similar insight where I was procrastinating a bit on my studies and I managed to trace it back to a history test I took like way back in the day and somebody's mom commented that its ok to leave the studying till the day before if you still manage to get through with a reasonable mark. Since then that was my main study method (until many years later).

I think doing this excercise to gain some insight into an issue and then chasing it with teh Sedona method would resolve a lot of problems fairly quickly.

[Ricky Walt]

@Valach My take on your post is that there seems to be a lack of pushing through with this issue to conclusion. You come close, but then at the last minute you sidetrack yourself and then don't finish the job.

I think it is a very subtle and insidious habit that a persons mind develops and it reminds me of a story I once read where the person was describing that your mind is the slave while your real self is the master. Only to find that your mind (the slave) is now walking around pretending to be the master. In this instance I think you will need to cultivate some discipline to follow through with your actions to conclusion. You can't decide to approach a girl and then at the last minute pull out... Over time that type of behaviour will develop a very nasty habit of self-sabotage, that's going to spill over in all aspects of your life.

It's good that you've identified this now so that you can work on it.