Doubts About Direction In Life Causing Suffering

[-Rowan]

Hi everyone, I will try and make this as tight as possible for you, it might get long, but any answers from you guys I really appreciate, since you guys know what you're talking about. 

 

So, I picked up the electric guitar when I was 10, and naturally, music developed as my main hobby through my school days. Absolutely loved it. learned songs, joined bands, all that stuff. Every subject opportunity to do it in school I took too, right up to the last 2 years before you go to uni (in the U.K, these are called your A-Levels, once you've done those you go off to Uni if you've secured a place).  I was really into music production- that's basically the music studio work scene, think of music producers, sound engineers, all those things, to make a band sound good basically. Music was the only thing I knew I really liked when I was searching for university courses. So I went for Music Production, and now I'm in my 2nd year of that. (Just turned 20, Jesus Christ I'm not a teenager anymore   )

Since about January, i've been having more and more doubts about whether I actually enjoy Production. For a few years it has been the thing I did outside of school, and now I'm doing it uni, I feel like my passion for it is just going down and down. I don't show a lot of passion on my course and obviously, music and production are intensely competitive, you won't get anywhere if you're not stupidly passionate about it. My uni has amazing music studio facilities, some of the best in the UK, but i don't find myself going into them and using them regularly.

As a Uni student, I do have a lot more spare time than most of the population. I have been using this time for self-improvement stuff (daily meditation. reading 10 pages of a book every day, taking notes on Leo's videos, Duolingo, Visualisations and stuff) so I do try and make the most of this time. A lot of uni students just smoke weed all day and go out every night, which obviously I have done and still occasionally go out drinking, but since 1st year I have been more focused on personal development stuff.

When I start thinking if I even want to do music production as a career it or not it really gives me doubts. I don't see myself as super passionate as I once was, and as everyone else on the course seems to be really passionate. People have their own websites set up, are working with bands outside uni and involved in all sorts of projects.  I did do well last year with 69% average overall, but I just sense that this lack of passion is going to go badly.

It's funny, because the stereotypical story of 'finding your passion' is something like a guy goes and does economics at uni because his dad did that, but now he hates it and wants to rebel! So he goes and does photography, art, music  

I guess what makes the feelings more alienating is the fact I've never heard of any creative types losing passion for their creative stuff.

I do a wide range of modules on the course, these are the ones I did last year and am doing this year.

• Recording 1
• Recording 2
• Computer Composition and Sound Design 1
• Computer Composition and Sound Design 2
• Digital Media and the Internet
• Music Industry and the Internet
• Audio Technology 1
• Object-Oriented Programming for Music Technology
• Music Theory
• Musicology of Production
• Live Music Production
• Radio Production

It's not like I hate music. I've been playing guitar for 10 years now (I still can't believe I'm 20), am a big CD collector, really into a lot of bands! Metal music has been, and still is my favorite. I doubt whether I want to do this after uni as my solid career to master. And because no one else seems to have this doubt, I feel that if I let anyone know I'd just be demonized or judged in some way.

When I head into uni it feels like everyone there is totally committed and I'm doubting if I even want to do this.

 I am incredibly appreciative of the situation I'm in. To have my parents supporting me going to a university, with my health and youth and the quality of life I have compared to the rest of the world, I'm really in the top 1% life quality. But still, It doesn't make these feelings go away. Last week they hit pretty hard,  it was like a physical heaviness, chaotic thought spiral, going for some nice food to get some pleasure. When everyone's talking about music production and getting excited, I know what they're talking about and yeah I find it cool obviously since I applied to go to this uni, but these days I just don't feel that excitement for it.

Our studios recently got re-done with some awesome new gear, everyone's losing their shit over it and booking it all out, and here I am, when thinking about going into a recording studio for a living, seems like a pretty grim situation for me. I think music and production looks very exciting from the outside, but when you see the pro's locked in a room dealing with musicians and all the technicalities involved and shit, sure for some people that will make them very happy, but I feel so alienated about doubting whether I want to do that for a living, and damn, I'm on a course called Music Production, if I don't want to do Music production as a career then what?

The feelings vary for different modules. Even though I was intrested and have done some studio recording in the past, which made me apply to do Music production as a degree, i dont think i want to work in a music studio as a career. It's like, If this isnt your absolute life purpose, it will grind you down. Thats how competetive, hard working, stupidly dedicated music related industries are. You need the life long passion, if you hesistate for a second you're left behind. And that's what I'm doing. Hesitating. What makes me feel this even more is now in my 2nd year you start getting cv's, cover letters, a massive list of companies and all that stuff down to search for a 12 month placement/internship next year. Most available ones will be for music studios, as obviously, my course is music production. I haven't lost complete motivation, as I really want to put the best effort I can into crafting a perfectly tailored proposition to a company based in Umea, Sweden. (I've really wanted to work for them since I heard about the placement system before applying. I've got tonnes of content to be refined into an excellent application. They're based in Sweden, and just for the sake of it I've been doing Swedish on duolingo, not just for that possible placement though, it's a very cool sounding language and similar to English. I'm at 45% haha.) 

I think I've vented enough, a lot of stuff to take in there for you guys so it's hard. This feeling has only been strongly prominent for a few weeks, but I felt it in my 1st year to0 a little. I feel stuck, I feel maybe I don't belong here, then I think why am I even putting in the effort if I'm doubting if this is what I want to do? It's just strange because I had a big passion for it for years and now being at uni, has really degraded that passion. Is it something to do with regular meditation? Is meditation killing my passion for it? In Uni, I don't like the harsh competitiveness, the judgment you get if you get something wrong, the pressure to be on top of your game. I guess this is good if you know you want to dedicate your life to it, but I'm just doubting it, and that's causing all sorts of issues. Sometimes just talking about it makes me tear up. Sometime's ill cry about it in my room. And I don't know what to make of it, how to process the feelings, how to think about them. To get some relief I like to listen to Alan Watts and other spiritual teachers. Sometimes I just feel like I want to break out of it all. So any advice or help is tremendously appreciated.

 

Thank you so much, really needed to get this off my chest. 

-Rowan 

 

Edited October 11, 2017 by -Rowan

[ajasatya]

@-Rowan it's a common human mistake to try to extract happiness from one's job. but the job you do is not enough. it can't be. you're much more than a doer. you're a human BEING.

i thought i was going to have problems with the academic lifestyle but my problem was the fact that i identified myself with the academic avatar. the feeling of dissatisfaction stopped as soon as i expanded my life. i started to be part of a zen sangha, practice yoga and drink ayahuasca with shamans. also dancing and traveling to retreats. meeting healthy people and learning about good eating habits.

be infinite, 'cause you are.

[-Rowan]

@ajasatya Thanks for the response Did you go to college and drop out? How did you make money to travel and do those things?

 

[ajasatya]

Just now, -Rowan said:

@ajasatya Thanks for the response Did you go to college and drop out? How did you make money to travel and do those things?

no. i finished my bachelor in computer science then i started to work in a 9 to 5 job. from 5 to the sleep time was my moment of extra practices like meditation and stuff. i also planned my vacations to do amazing things like going to retreats.

then i quit the job and just lived for Truth experiences. then i started a master degree and here i am.

professionally i never really stopped completely for more than 6 months. it's much more about the distractions on your regular day. get rid of those and your days will be like a thousand hours long.

[Nahm]

@-Rowan shroom tea.  

[-Rowan]

@Nahm That's weird,  I was going to reply to @ajasatya saying that "maybe I just need to take a psychedelic" as a joke, and then you come out with that 

[Nahm]

@-Rowan i know.