Avoidant Personality Disorder Is Killing Me

[Anirban657]

I feel like I am a going to hit the lowest point of my entire life. 

I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and I had 2 incidents of meditation inducted psychosis. I had a traumatic childhood which was enhanced by my Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I feel like I am too unconscious. I journal everyday and I meditate 20 minutes a day (9months)and I am taking baby steps now by reading only one self help book at a time completely. But I am suffering. Its like death. At these times I remember great men in history like JFK, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi who also had suffered. I ain't gonna give up because there is only one way and that is through.

I will join an NGO and try to move towards my life purpose. I will not give up.  I will not let my ego come I  my way.

I realise that I am my greatest enemy but still I am unconscious.  I have a long way to go.

 

[Nadosa]

That probably wont help you, but I am with you. I also hit the lowest point of my life and suffer to death whilst having the most precious connections to my true self. I dont know if this will ever end, I still dont see light and the egoic mind unconsciously grows stronger and stronger from day to day.

[pluto]

Make peace and forgive self, the lower the point the greater the slingshot

Through my darkest days i eventually found Light. Eventually that's all there's left and when that happens you will understand why the suffering was necessary and you will be ever-grateful for everything in your life that has come up until that point beyond ways you can possibly imagine.

Stray strong and focus on the good no matter how hard it is

[thehero]

Good I am happy you're making change. Hope is there, I have made a lot of improvement in my life :). It's great. I would recommend getting neurofeedback. Leo recommends it in his 40 ways to self actualize. It's the closest thing to a magic pill that I have found

[jhmarrio]

On 10/11/2017 at 7:23 AM, Anirban657 said:

I journal everyday and I meditate 20 minutes a day

I think this is incredible given your struggles. A huge pat on the back is in order! I do not pretend to know what you are dealing with but some of what you said really resonated with me. I had childhood traumas myself and was in and out of the hospital for years before getting back on my feet. I know from my journey how difficult it can be to do anything when things seem so distorted. My heart truly goes out to you. Try to remind yourself that bliss can only be felt when it has something to compare itself to, and the lower your lows are today, means the higher the highs will be in the future.