I'm Stuck (long-term Relationship, Enlightenment, Sex)

[Frankie]

Hey Folks,

I've got a serious problem which I (=already nearly 37) carry with me for a long time now ...

Since the death of my father a few years ago I began to question a bit the things which I'm doing, how I spend my time and what I want to do. I've started also with meditation, watched a bunch of satsangs and spiritual talks on YouTube, stumbled upon RSD and pick-up stuff and questioned also my relationship.

My relationship in a nutshell: We are together for nearly 10 years now. No kids. We are also not living together (because I don't want it) but we travel a lot together and spend at least every weekend together. We think different and are different in many many ways. From time to time I'm even wondering how we've managed it to stay together for so long. %-)

Our sex is rather boring and so after watching some RSD videos a very intense feeling of missing out something arose....the suggestion to try an open relationship was totally rejected by my girlfriend. Thoughts arose that I could even cheat on my gf, but I've never cheated in an relationship and so I'm struggling with my moral standards ...

Getting enlightenend would be probably the best solution to my problems - because no one have to suffer then. Perhaps I get enlightenend some day - perhaps I don't. I'm meditating every day and even longer and longer, doing self-inquiry but despite this I think can't count on getting enlightenend as a solution to my problems.

I've had a few other relationships before my current one. I've slept with about 10 girls. I don't know if this is much or not but I've got the feeling for myself that this is not enough. This couldn't be all. But will it ever be enough? If the hunger for sexual experiences behave the same as my former disposedness for taking drugs it should nearly disappear after making the necessary experiences. (If it doesn't it will last and I must realize that I've thrown away my relationship for nothing....)

So, I'm stuck in these thoughts here and need an input. Thank you for posting anything that comes to your mind!

P.S.: English isn't my mother tongue so there could be a bunch of mistakes here....
 

[jip]

Just become enlightened, all your relationship problems will be instantly solved and you'll live blissfully ever after.

[Ajax]

I like the analogy that a relationship is "one flesh" or "one body"... A body works together for a similar common purpose they are in essence extensions of each other. It seems that things are more independent or distant than that. Therefore, you are not working together for a common purpose... Of course it gets boring you are getting together for the purpose of pleasure and companionship... It is a relationship of comfort and convenience and it seems like a dead end from where I am sitting. What are your common goals? Where are you going together? A relationship is a partnership... what are you working together for?

[Ken Lecoq]

1 hour ago, jip said:

Just become enlightened, all your relationship problems will be instantly solved and you'll live blissfully ever after.

It's not that easy  ... Well, it's easy to talk... But there are thousands miles between saying "just become enlightened and that will be resolved" and actually discovering enlightenment for real... 

You talk about enlightenement as if it was as easy as buying a bagette in bakery x) 

Well, the only thing I could advise you,Frankie , woud be : Keep studying personal development and spiritual enlightenment, and meditate.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Ken Lecoq

[Dhana Choko]

What do you think you would gain from having more sexual experiences with different girls?

 

[Ayla]

@Frankie , sounds like what you are doing there is not sex, but a form of mutual masturbation... 

What also come to mind is that it is the man that is "in charge" of the initiation of "good sex". Leo's videos on sexual matters could open you up a bit....

I also think that what you are looking for, is real intimacy which you currently don't have and also fear  

[Frankie]

Thanks for the answers so far!  It gave me some input ...

 

12 hours ago, d1ajax said:

What are your common goals? Where are you going together? A relationship is a partnership... what are you working together for?

This is a good point. We're sharing some interests (music, festivals, traveling....) but besides this there's no common goal. We both don't have the urge to have kids. Regarding my journey into meditation and self-optimizating is her opinion rather that this is humbug... So probably the distance between us rather grows than shrinks.

 

7 hours ago, Dhana Choko said:

What do you think you would gain from having more sexual experiences with different girls?

The experience itself could be fun.   Just kidding: The main reason is that the urge for having these experiences could stop. At least I would hope that it'll do.

In the past I've taken very many different drugs and accumulated different experiences with them. I've had the impulse to test them all, to expand my mind and blah-blah .... Afterwards I can say that I would have not really missed anything if I hadn't these experiences. But this is only a knowing which comes afterwards.

 

1 hour ago, Ayla said:

What also come to mind is that it is the man that is "in charge" of the initiation of "good sex". Leo's videos on sexual matters could open you up a bit....

Okay, I'll browse Leo's video archieve again for some inspirations.

 

Edited February 23, 2016 by Frankie

[Dhana Choko]

4 hours ago, Frankie said:

The experience itself could be fun.   Just kidding: The main reason is that the urge for having these experiences could stop. At least I would hope that it'll do.

It is very important to understand the part in you that thinks it would be fun It is a valid part of your ego and you need to see it for what it is. 
So are you sure that doing something (as in having these sexual experiences with different girls) would be the only way to put a stop to these urges you have? Have you had in your life any similar urges that just went away, without you doing anything to that urge or have you always acted upon your urges?

[Avi]

@Dhana Choko I'm just thinking out loud right now but is it possible that when we say things like "I want to have more sexual experiences" that we are really hiding behind something that is much deeper? For example, a person would want more sexual experiences and they absolutely think that this is what they want, but deep down in their sub consciousness they are really needy, or insecure, or lonely, or all the above? 

[Dhana Choko]

38 minutes ago, Avi said:

@Dhana Choko I'm just thinking out loud right now but is it possible that when we say things like "I want to have more sexual experiences" that we are really hiding behind something that is much deeper? For example, a person would want more sexual experiences and they absolutely think that this is what they want, but deep down in their sub consciousness they are really needy, or insecure, or lonely, or all the above? 

You are very much on point. Our egos very rarely tell the whole story when it "wants" something. It always goes deeper and there are always deeper reasons behind every want and need.

[Avi]

@Dhana Choko What a beautiful insight.

[Frankie]

4 hours ago, Dhana Choko said:

Have you had in your life any similar urges that just went away, without you doing anything to that urge or have you always acted upon your urges?

Good question. I don't know if there was a similar thing in my life so far. At least not to this extend. I've noticed this urge about two years ago so it is nothing I've noticed recently and now I need to act upon this immediately .... however after this period of time I can probably say for sure that it will not go away on its own. (except I'll manage it to ignore this for 10 or 20 years until my testo level drops significantly or I get enlightenend  )

 

4 hours ago, Avi said:

is it possible that when we say things like "I want to have more sexual experiences" that we are really hiding behind something that is much deeper?

Of course this is possible.

Feeling lonely, insecure, having social anxiety, no friends, ... I came exactly from this place 20 years ago. During the last 10-15 years I've made giant steps forward. So the only thing which IMO could be a (additional?) reason is the longing for a certain kind of approval. But then you could trace back my will to succeed in my business (I'm an entrepreneur) also to this "approval thing". Also the pursuit of having success with my music (I'm a musician as well) and so on ....  I think the need for recognition, for approval, gives me the drive to do things and to be successful. From my point of view this is not bad.

 

Lately the thought came to my mind that it's not really the urge to live a promiscuous life in general but that I've just outgrown my gf....

[Leo Gura]

@Frankie You can do both. Just select which one to focus on first. Then after a few years, which to the other. Since sex is a young man's game, there's some valid rationale for getting it out of your system first. Then you can focus freely on enlightenment. The only danger there is that you get lost in sex and never return to enlightenment.

Or... go really heavy on enlightenment work over the next year or two, and then switch your focus to dating, if you still desire it. You might not.

[Dhana Choko]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Frankie You can do both. Just select which one to focus on first. Then after a few years, which to the other. Since sex is a young man's game, there's some valid rationale for getting it out of your system first. Then you can focus freely on enlightenment. The only danger there is that you get lost in sex and never return to enlightenment.

Or... go really heavy on enlightenment work over the next year or two, and then switch your focus to dating, if you still desire it. You might not.

I think this is a bit of an uneducated answer - I am not sure if you read the original post? If one has a relationship of 10 years and is thinking of leaving all of it because of the urge to have some different, fleeting sexual experiences, I would not so easily just recommend doing it.  If Frankie actually decides to go on this route trying to fulfill his sexual desires with different women, it involves heavy emotional work, breaking up, leaving a huge part of his life behind and dealing with all of the emotions connected to that etc...There might be an idea between men (and women) that you just casually leave your girlfriend and go stand outside and beautiful exciting sexual experiences just start pouring to you from all doors and windows...:D Not quite so. You will have to deal with things like feeling alone, not feeling understood (casual sexual partners are never going to give you the same emotional stability or understanding as someone who you have known deeply for 10 years), all the feelings connected to the break up (even if it has been on one's mind for a long time) - it is NOT easy. You can definitely go on that road, but guaranteed it will be at some points very difficult and the sexual experiences will rarely "blow your mind".  I am not saying it could not be done - it can definitely be done, but the price you pay for it is very high as well and no one can guarantee that Frankie will be extremely happy with his decision. I think it is very wise to really think about it and deeply understand own self and values and what makes his life the most satisfying. The idea of banging hot girls and having few amazing orgasms and getting a sense of being "A Sexually Wanted Man" might have its appeal, but there are a lot of things that one needs to pay to get that experience.

I would also question if just changing one's partner is the answer to unsatisfactory sexual experiences - you always take yourself with you wherever you go. It is very much possible that Frankie might be on a brink of having a breakthrough in his sexuality and to go on a new level with it, but does it involve changing the person he has sex with? I think it just shows lack of tools and lack of understanding if one feels bored in his sexual life and the only solution they come up with is to change sexual partners.  

[Frankie]

Well, I've checked the date of my original post.....nearly 7 months ago I started this thread....

After going through a bunch of issues we finally broke up in a phone call last Wednesday. I've realized before that we were simply together because we are together. If I could choose between her and 10 other girls we probably wouldn't be together any longer. So I've realized that it is simply my comfort zone which I don't want to leave.

 

I didn't want to break up but my words "I don't know if this [our relationship] is in the long run enough to me" prompted her to finish the relationship. The void in everything feels very depressing now. To make things even worse I haven't got any friends or a serious amount of people in my social circle here. This was also an issue - she is very jealous so I had to justify my behaviour every time I went out to meet new people - so I kept it to a minimum ... over the years we've entered a very clingy relationship which was a dead end to me.

Anyway - I think at this stage the relationship is finally at its end point. Just wanted to post an update here .... going through the darkest hours/days/weeks in my whole life now ....