Getting My Shit Handled

[Azote]

@Hello from Russia with kissel 

[Azote]

July Update

• whole month my brain was shut down, so almost no intellectual or  self-dev activities
• I had an appendectomy (separate post about that coming)
• eyesight dropped a little, got new contacts
• depression confirmed

[Azote]

 

Law of attraction my ass

So, in the middle of July, I've got appendicitis induced by inflammation of other organs from the month before. That was a really narrow opportunity window: has it happened some weeks before or after, I would have to take a gap year and repeat the hardest semester.  I also quickly realized that it totally had to happen  - just look at all the wishes this situation granted me: 

• legit reason for not working on summer
• legit reason for breaking the awkward silence between me and my relatives
• stroking my hypochondria  (10 days before operation surgeon told me I was fine huh)
• stress test to find out if I still can't handle it (well yep)
• experience of general anesthesia ( this wish appeared after this video lol)
• experience of prolonged appetite loss - actually that was pretty cool
• experience of a rapid weight loss
• smoothie blender
• food steamer (both basically free of charge)
• socially acceptable excuse to avoid alcohol (rehab + meds prescribed after)

Yeah, thank you universe, now I'm aware that I totally suck at satisfying my needs directly and that I need to fix this asap if I don't want such twisted shit to happen again.

Bonus experiences:

• surgeon yelling at me "Stop crying! Shut up and do yoga, meditation, and Qigong or else I don't know how you gonna handle your life!"
• 90-year-old blind and sick roommate who constantly reminded me about my future without self-actualization. She talked about her regrets and suicide every now and then and lied in front of me just like this
   
• after our interactions with her, I found out I can't come up with any decent affirmations to neutralize this shit. Luckily, I could load my brain with videos like this:
• a lady from my university who brought me pencils, coloring pages, and baby food - we have such social workers because of bad suicide statistics I guess. That was rather confusing and funny - doctors trying to "make a man" out of me when I expected to be taken care of, and then this mother hen employee of a university where I initially came for "harsh real life and top-notch science bootcamp".
• when I left the hospital, I was really tempted to not come back for additional painful procedures - I gotta remind myself that I am phenomenal an adult and that I have to endure this to avoid greater complications. I'm pretty proud of myself for going to the clinic the next day  - gives me hope that I am capable of similar things in other areas of my life

Edited August 14, 2018 by Azote

[Azote]

one stupid hobby Issue closed (hopefully)

As a teenager, I liked making so-called friendship bracelets. I also did, and still do love to not finish stuff I once started. By the end of the high school (when I gave this up for the sake of uni), I managed to finish about 20 bracelets up to 23 threads wide, which is like 40% of total things started (the rest I had to throw away). So what I was left with is some unrealized plans like watermelon ornament and my seeming incapability of getting shit done 

 So this summer I returned to this thing - bought a $1,5 pack of mulina threads and set a rule to not start a new bracelet until I finish the current one.

What I have after less than a month:20 =  about as many bracelets as I made in my entire life, including desired watermelons and psychedelic rhombic geysers, no material left and experience of getting shit done voluntarily.

I'm satisfied. Hope I can  study now 

[Azote]

More Health & Security Work To Do

So I've been writing down some plans regarding my health domain work and I have to say that it will be best to stick with this domain for at least a year more. Cause my... let's call it "self-care" - needs some real upgrade. 

First of all. Took me years to admit its existence but hey: my No 1 priority must be dealing with depression. I'm not postponing it anymore. And by the way, if you gonna advise me to go get enlightened first hand - please please go fuck yourself. I'm also saying this to that part of me which believes this bullshit. No, I do not need to wait until I grasp the nature of reality and self by meditating and tripping in a cave for 20 years to become just a normal functional fucking person. I can become that now. 

Basically, the plan is to fix my psychology while pills are holding the symptoms, then get off the pills.

And other points:

• Back-ups. Elementary stuff that I don't have for some reason. First aid kit, agreements for emergency situations,  money stash and so on. Not having these feels so self-hateful and unstrategic.
• Preventive healthcare. Diet, supplements, vaccines, medical examinations, hygiene, warm clothes.
• Treatment. Taking pills, treating tooth cavities, all diseases that emerge.
• Changes! I'm determined to make this sustainable shift in energy levels and physical appearance. My weight loss goal also changes now to "~20% body fat".
• Purging and clarification. Facing emotions and fears, trying new things. I guess I'll set up new rubrics for this kind of stuff.

I also think it's time to go back to weekly journal updates. So, see ya next week or sooner.

[Azote]

Health Marathon Week #1

In my previous attempts to "turn the tables" I figured out that one has the first week cool, then the second week is the first "turbulence". This time it began on the second day. My mood is up, and I am among the lucky people who get only the convenient side effects from ADs. But some somatic shit keeps happening, so I had to hang out at the hospital again for a few days this week. But I kept doing some practices there too, thanks to my stabilized mood.

So, actions this week:

• 6.5 h of studying
• an idea for some art project with great chances of giving me some purpose in life
• 100 min of meditation
• 2 h of... don't faint... contemplation. Oh yes I did it. At last.
• 3 h of nidra yoga - decided to focus on this branch of yoga since it's super "stealth", simple and I can practice it for a while with no chakras mentioned.
• 7 rounds of surya namaskar
• about 5 pages in my sketchbook
• almost all pills taken (forgot once)

So I spent about 10% of total time on self-dev work and definitely took steps towards my healing. Fuck turbulence! 

 

 

[Azote]

Health Marathon Week #2

The longest week so far this year. In a good way. What was done this week:

• learned about the existence of a specialty called psychiatrist-endocrinologist. Hope to get to them this month, before my hormones rage out again.
• self-improvement and psychology 3.5h
• I'm a senior student now, so I can live in a nicer dorm. I can sleep now because there is no fridge humming beside my bed and no roaches crawling on my face, yay! Just a nice new and clean apartment with adequate roomies and a lovely cat :3 No, really, I've been waking up at 7-7.30 without alarm since I moved in on Tuesday.
• completed my home first aid kit.

__________________________________________________________

Talking to myself interlude: yeah, yeah, no real growth, just luck, and some vitamin B13. But it doesn't mean that I should decline all the good stuff happening to me, alright. I'm tired of this mentality: "it's better to struggle with your traumas living in shit because it's such a possibility for growth! And materialism is wrong anyway, and people who have good lives are boring and ordinary". Well, maybe it's time to develop some fokken ambition? Just, you know, to do something good for people instead of creating a struggle with basic stuff.

__________________________________________________________

• 3 h of nidra yoga. My current sankalpa is health-related too. I also managed to go through a full 1-hour session without falling asleep.
• 4 h of meditation. I started to practice mindfulness with labeling, and it gives me headaches. Kinda reminds me of art school classes.
• 14 rounds of surya namaskar
• all pills taken
• 3 h of art
• 11 h studying. Retook 1out of 2 exams I skipped because of sickness.

[Azote]

Health Marathon Week #3

This week was not as productive as the previous one. My guess is that I should prioritize my nidra practice above others.  Also, I really need to do something with my habits concerning all kinds of hiccups. For example, yesterday I changed thermal grease on my laptop, but then detectors kept showing 80C, and I didn't know what to do without my laptop (all my uni books, work, commonplace journal, art etc are there) and my productivity was screwed up. Like, I don't feel anxious about such things, but I still have this habit of giving up on things really easily. "Oh no, now I can't do anything!" Btw, today I realized I just forgot to connect the fan back to the board, and now it's okay. Sooo back to work, ladies.

What was done this week:

• self-improvement studying 2.5h
• 1.5 h of nidra.  My roommates arrived, so I'll have to be more creative to manage my time properly to do my practices.
• 3 h of meditation
• all pills taken
• 1 h art
• 20.5 h studying, 9 of them being French lol.
• solved a couple of self-esteem issues

[Azote]

Health Marathon Weeks #4-5/42

Kinda slacking off with my tracks. Some backlashes, I'm too busy again. But that's alright.

 

[Azote]

Health Marathon Weeks #6-7 of 42

No more study time or life purpose work tracking for this marathon. Because, well, the meaning of the word priority slowly starts to sink in, huh. Do not disturb. Healing in process.

So these weeks I read about certain emotional issues, practiced not giving a damn about my grades, slow pleasant study mode, taking time for important stuff. Plus meditation. Guess I'm doing pretty good. 

Let me share some small pleasures off topic - French phonetics. Just. Love it.

 

 

 

[Azote]

Health Marathon Weeks #8-9 of 42

Now I'm definitely doing something right since I feel that everything is going the way it should be going, and that my success is inevitable.

Practices I do:

• body awareness meditation up to 1 hour
• affirmations
• reading different books
• exercises from "6 pillars of self-esteem" - that's awesome healthy stage orange stuff I needed
• taking action on my long-term goals every day

Yeah, that moment when you finally have some energy 

[Azote]

Fingertips+gouache

I guess this is my favorite painting technique now

[Colin]

[Azote]

Racetams + ADs part 0

My pack of nootropics finally arrived, yay.  Yup, it's a racetam, but well, the laws here in mother Russia treat your precious modafilil the same way as cocaine or ketamine. Anyway, I'm gonna take a course of this stuff starting tomorrow. I'm mainly after the awareness boost here, but I'm also curious about the racetam+antidepressant combo effect. There is also some other stuff with choline. My overall stack will be like this:

• prozac 20 mg
• pramiracetam 1200 mg
• phenibut 250 mg
• choline
• DMAE
• ashwagandha

Let's see how it goes 

[Azote]

Health Marathon Weeks 10-11 of 42

Woah, I'm still on this path, folks.  I guess finding your pace is what it takes to get long streaks.  Captain here.

Let me tell ya about past two weeks:

• I started my little experiment with nootropics so I make more good decisions about important things this year and have the willpower to execute.
• Keep raising my self-esteem. It seems like it has a lot to do with energy levels and overall mental health. My thanks to people who pointed at this domain to me.
• Lots of body awareness, I manage to practice for an hour almost every day. I now also practice breath retention for yoga. 
• I am back to some mild calorie restriction. It's now less neurotic, easier, and acne spots disappear without junk food. At last, I feel pretty 
• Optimism is still with me, and I enjoy this good life while I can

 

[Azote]

Alright, I should admit it already

I don't get art. I mean, paintings and stuff - visual independent (not design or illustration) things.

I can't see how a painting could be as life-changing as book, song or movie. I barely feel any emotions emerging when I see all these chef-deuvres worth millions bucks. Niether do most people, neither did my artschool classmates, niether do most of the artists I reckon. The whole field is full of shit. Yeah, somebody can get mindfucked by some Escher art, but I bet its success rate sucks balls compared to books. 

Yeah, teaching new artists, art-therepy session and sfutt like this is what sells today, but I'm not a teacher. Also, there are rich patrons, but I don't want to be a pet. So, I guess I'll gave to hold art as a hobby and therapy, but not a tool for fulfilling my yet to be discovered life purpose.

Shit, last time I had an epithany like this I got depression. Shit-shit-shit. That's scary.

[jjer94]

"Art is in essence a gift to the artist from spirit. The drive to share one's artwork with others is healthy and necessary. The gift must be given to the world. Sharing one's work completes the cycle of creative endeavor."

-Alex Grey

Be well 

[Azote]

12 hours ago, jjer94 said:

"Art is in essence a gift to the artist from spirit. The drive to share one's artwork with others is healthy and necessary. The gift must be given to the world. Sharing one's work completes the cycle of creative endeavor."

-Alex Grey

Be well 

I don't mind sharing, it's just this inner conflict: somehow I got the idea that I can contribute to cultural and spiritual progress via my art, but at the same time I'm not even receptive to visual artworks myself. I mean, wtf?  It's silly to aspire to be someone one's not meant to be.

Edited November 14, 2018 by Azote

[jjer94]

16 hours ago, Azote said:

someone one's not meant to be.

Says who? 

I know the sentiment, too. The feeling that whatever you feel inclined to do would not be as impactful for raising consciousness as something more direct, such as Leo's content. It's a comparison mentality, which sits on top of shame - the feeling that you are inadequate in some way shape or form. Then the shame leads to soul-killing depression, because parts of yourself that want to be expressed are being de-pressed. Then life feels terribly empty and lonely.

I used to feel the same way about music. I thought it was a shit field. I thought singer-songwriters were a joke, and I was among them - one of the least impactful group of people. But I realized that the most impact I could have on the world is to actualize myself, and if that means noodling around on guitar, then so be it. 

Creating for me is not an intention to change something; it's like taking a dump. Just something I do (preferably) every day, and if I hold it in for too long or tell myself it's not important enough, I get pretty damn uncomfortable. 

That's my take on all of this. Blessings to you, and keep writing. I like your style 

 

 

[Azote]

@jjer94

Thanks  I'vo got some food for thought now.