Getting My Shit Handled

[Privet]

@Azote Good luck on the math exam!

[Azote]

Don't try this at home, kids!

super life-hack from a psychologist at uni: long queue to the neurologist? Go see a psychiatrist!

I wonder how it's like to meditate on tranquilizers.

No luck with math exam - got hospitalized lol. Fuck plans!

 

[jjer94]

Praying for you <3

[Azote]

@jjer94 Thanks  I guess all this stuff happenig is necessary.

[Azote]

Mistakes will be made

I think my fear of making a mistake plays a great part in my depressed state.

So, maybe,  fuck it, let's let some errors in without bitching about it. 

Antidepressants suck, btw. 

[Hello from Russia]

50 minutes ago, Azote said:

fuck it, let's let some errors in without bitching about it. 

 

[Azote]

@Hello from Russia sounds like a good idea, huh?

[Hello from Russia]

@Azote Action despite fear is one of the most beautiful things i've found in life. It led me to amazing experiences .
Fear limits us so much you only start to understand that when you consciously break through.

Edited June 16, 2018 by Hello from Russia

[Azote]

Getting even more emotional

Ah. I cry all day. It's so good. The music is so beautiful. Pics in my mind are vivid and crazy, I should draw this. Visualize my impressions. Mean words of that dickhead I kinda fell for hurt so much I would hug him. One of my friends is going through some tough time and I'm so glad he's doing well, listening to him, I just cry, and then stop and become calm at last. I realize my will to create something beautiful and pure and I cry again. I want more genuine senses and feelings like those! 

they say I'm way too emotional. I've not been emoting up to my full potential! If my crying and whimpers annoy somebody, they're free to stay away from me.

I threw away the antidepressants and tranquilizer because sorry, mental health, I'm not ready for those weird dreams, 15-hour sleeps and feeling like an alcoholic. Need to pass these exams, ouch.

Edited June 22, 2018 by Azote

[Azote]

After last vid about stage orange 

Edited June 25, 2018 by Azote

[jjer94]

Going to interject real quick...

Be VERY careful with stopping antidepressants cold turkey. Doctors recommend slowly weaning off of them due to their heavily addictive nature. Don't be surprised if you have more suicidal ideations or anger than usual over the next week. 

I read recently about the link between school shootings and antidepressants, and it's uncanny. I don't mean to scare you; I just ask you to be mindful. 

All the best.

[Azote]

@jjer94  I took 6 days of this shit in minimal dosage and quit about a week ago. I guess I'll be okay.

I plan to see a doctor again after all the exams, maybe private practicioner. The lady who prescribed me this had like 5 minutes for me, at a state hospital. 

Thank you for your concern)

[Azote]

Shifting priorities

Though this journal is supposed to be mainly about Life Purpose work and handling basic needs by becoming successful, I suppose I should change priority to health domain for a while to make it all work. With the main "theme" be careful exploration and purging. The main idea of several prior months was you must kill your current self in order to grow. Turned out not to be working very well. 

So, for the next few weeks/months, I plan to focus on my health. If I have positive outcomes career-wise in the meantime, let them be. 

 

 

My toolbox for the near future

 

• going to doctors - I need different specialists now, from dentist to psychiatrist.
• seeing local psychologist
• art-therapy
  • painting
  • sketching
  • playing berimbau
  • singing
• BSFF
• drinking water
• paper diary/morning sheets
• vipassana meditation
• walking in nature
• exercise
  • jogging
  • capoeira sequences
  • surya namaskar complex
  • progressions from "The 15-second Handstand" 
• tidying up and taking out the trash
• intermittent fasting
• avoiding foods that proved to be 
  • peanuts
  • dairy
  • cheap fatty street-food

These are the things I have some positive experience with. I can tolerate this much of green new-agey stuff. 

Might also try:

• type B behavior
• appropriate sleeping
• techniques from "Highly Sensitive People's Survival Guide"
• Sacred place meditation
• metta
• supplements
• spending more time with friends and talking about emotions and feelings
• theme-related Leo's worksheets

 

 

 

 

[taleen]

@Azote hey, i only want to point out that maybe you wanna make sure your real passion is what you are persuing cajse i wasted 11 years thinking i was going in the right path.

but i totally support you if you think you are doing the right thing.

[Azote]

@taleen I have no idea what my passion is, to be honest. That's why I now plan to work on reconnecting with my feelings and intuition and try out different options.

Thanks for your share.

[Azote]

On alcohol. Step back

Last night, celebrating the end of the semester with a bottle of something beer-like, grilled meat and ciabatta, with all these focus-on-health thoughts in my mind, I realized how really "undeveloped" my reasons to abstain from drinking alcohol are. (I think I didn't drink a drop of the shit through all middle and high school, and also the 1st year at uni).

1. Authority. Because this is just a bad thing to do. Why? Because I told so.  

A good chunk of my BSFF sessions these days consists of work with loyalty issues. Being lean and beautiful would not be loyal to my mother. Being a smart woman and having a successful scientific career would not  be loyal to my father. And so on. The further I go, the more I realize how fucking loyal I really am to randomly occurred authority figures (like parents). And also the more I realize how dangerous for me it is. Soon, I hope, I will grasp that throwing this shit out of my belief system completely is actually a matter of survival. And then, with the full integration of stage blue, this reason would fly away.

2. Fear of what I am.  What if I get drunk and say all the truth? And everybody around learns about what really is on my mind and how I feel? That would be a catastrophe.

Should this fear back off a little, or should I decide to deliberately work on my sincerity and radical honesty, I will immediately start to see drinking as a good tool to use when I need to get courageous and expressive. Oh, and its effect on vocal cords... Actually, right now my development level (the way I sense it) would totally resonate with stuff like drinking and eating shit and watching stupid movies on Friday nights with friends. Thank god I don't have friends. If not for my recent resolution to care about my health. And let's don't forget that alcohol doesn't mix well with all these funny pills.

I have an ambitious goal -  to grow my mindfulness level health-wise so high it would substitute the old reasons. But until that - cheers! 

Natural selection is gonna get me one day. Probably sooner than I think. 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 2, 2018 by Azote

[Azote]

Correction

I decided to postpone emotionally draining techniques and activities like BSFF, self-reflection and touchy conversations, as well as any work (cleaning up doesn't count) or uni studying. Instead, I plan to focus on recreational stuff. And yeah, all the conclusions a gained so far with my LP work are to be reconsidered, because I mostly used techniques like "write an answer to $1 000 000 question until you cry" and in my condition, I can cry about, like, anything. I mean, I can't rely on such answers when I burst into tears after "hey, how are you doin'?", can I?

UPD. I'm on meds again. No ADs this time. Guess the idea is to make me sleep the shit outta myself in order to recover.

Edited July 6, 2018 by Azote

[Azote]

Swap

Have you ever got this feeling? When someone has their special gesture or habit, like snapping fingers while thinking, and after communicating with them a while you start unwillingly repeating this gesture after them. The moment when you catch yourself doing that you feel as if you disappeared for a second and became this person. Quite uncomfortable, especially if you dislike the person or the habit.

Right, back to health issues. So, as I mentioned, I'm taking pills again since I was diagnosed with some kind of neurotic disorder. The thing is, I have had this condition for over a decade now and this is even deeper than stuff like overeating. It feels like congenital disability or something. I don't know life without neurosis. I'm on shitty drugs called "exhaustion" and "justified self-pity" and "suffering from no reason", any time of the year. I suppose that's the worst of my current addictions and I expect a tough fight with withdrawal. Hope I'll have the guts 

Shit, do I have to kill the "prior" self after all? Not funny.

(For those of you who's suffering more than me and possibly got triggered - no ill intentions, my support is with you ❤️)

 

[Azote]

Rate my super healthy vegan gluten-free meal.

Seriously, hospitals are best places for self dev

Details later

[Hello from Russia]

Grecha =)