Getting My Shit Handled

[Azote]

14 hours ago, guillaumeS said:

PD is like answering important questions such as "Do I want to raise a baby now?" or "Does this job fulfill me? Would the title of manager bring me more satisfaction".

Um, no? It is like raising awareness and integrity and stuff. Answers to these questions are crystal clear as compared to "What is evil?" and "Who am I existentially?", for instance.

[guillaumeS]

8 hours ago, Azote said:

Um, no? It is like raising awareness and integrity and stuff. Answers to these questions are crystal clear as compared to "What is evil?" and "Who am I existentially?", for instance.

I did not think of it. It looks like I am way more down to earth. Let's say that will be my level 2 in PD.

[Azote]

Sweet panic - week report #6

Well, this week is a fail.  My mind is in desperate distaction mode this whole week. I'm writing this from phone sitting at the train station, because I missed my station since I am a little drunk.

Meditation - concentration on breath 6x20 minutes and I am yet to do it today.

Lab - can't do anything properly. The technique failed.

Studying.  Couldn't focus and work in blocks, so no relevant track.

Sports - exercised at home, but my home made ptogram is kinda too heavy.

Money - keep filling my financial journal. Purchased Leo's booklist and bought couple of books this week. Now I have no entertainment and candy budget for next month.

Weight is 68 kg (+1.2). 1800 kcal limit seems to be bullshit

Recovering after peeling.

[Azote]

Okay, here comes the new week. I guess I should articulate some stuff from the previous one so I can spend my time better.

So why "sweet" panic?

Because I personally didn't feel much fear. There were a couple of moments of anxiety like "I'm not gonna make it all in time. Again. Shit". And that happened because I was pleasantly distracted almost all the time. Here is the list of those distractions:

• eating constantly
• spontaneously waking up 10 minutes earlier with an urge to do Surya Namaskar
• watching youtube
• solving jigsaw puzzles
• reading Ouspensky's books instead of planned studying
• losing focus every 5 minutes when studying
• drinking tea and chatting with a groupmate for an hour
• choosing and ordering self-help books 
• drawing 
• singing more than planned
• Internet, including this forum
• getting inspired by the post on cold showers and... taking a cold shower
• waking up with an urge to play some Bach (I used to play the piano)
• watching movies
• ending up reading some math article, when I should have stuck to quantum mechanics

You see, a lot of this activities are generally good, so I felt good. I'm like a dying girl with cancer in Disneyland. It's her parents who are panicking, not she.

Now the trick is to see what the "parents" are hiding.

 

[Azote]

week report #7

Didn't have many insights lately

So, the main thing is after the previous fucked-up week, I remembered about BSFF.  I used it once to heal strong hatred, but it didn't heal immediately, so I dismissed this technique. But this time it felt just right. Because it is kinda the moment when I must do something to my limiting beliefs and emotions. I've worked through all the "draft clusters" already. When I get more experience and results, I'll write a detailed report.

Meditation - breath and do-nothing, 20-10-30-20-10-20 mins, and I am yet to do it today.

Lab - didn't do my technique at all, but at least I had some networking done.

Studying.  Scored 38 hours, yay. Best result yet.

Sports - ditched any exercise, oh-oh.

Money - keep filling my financial journal. 

Weight is 68.5 kg (+0.5). Didn't count calories at all. Skin is kinda  alright.

 

Edited November 25, 2017 by Azote

[Azote]

Physicists and lyricists

I've been reading a new essay by V.A. Ouspensky ( the title is "Математическое и гуманитарное. Бреодоление барьера", not translated yet) about the mental barrier between "mathematicians" and "humanitarians".  He tells how this two styles of thinking can merge into something new and beautiful. He had some examples of great people like Kolmogorov, and he himself is also linguist and mathematician. It almost made me cry, guys.

I guess I want to do the same thing with my life. May I? Please?

Fuck, this would be so damn awesome. 

[Azote]

week report #8

What I really like about bsff is that I am building up the skill to observe and formulate my limiting beliefs. Like, dozens of them every other day. This week I realized that my current goals are strongly connected with self-love issues and also with relationships. So now I am going to work this out.

Meditation: 17-30-30-10-30-20-20 mins.

Lab - I made a calendar for my technique, which begins on 18.12. As for this week, well, I guess I read the textbook for about 6 hours.

Studying.  Scored 35.5 hours.  Here is what I will do about it this week. I really really need to save the Sunday to make it work. So here I promise to study for 8 hours tomorrow. Wait for my report)

Sports - just gym and some handstands.

Money - keep filling my financial journal. Screwed up my monthly budget already. By spending all the food budget in one week. That was vegan healthy stuff, and there are LOTS of negative beliefs bubbling up. My psyche apparently can't stand even one week of somewhat abundant healthy foods yet.

Weight is 68.7 kg (+0.2).  Have problems with digestion, skin got worse.

[Azote]

Hey guess what?

I think I truly believe that word "promise" means "avoid at all costs".

or is it a test? Like, "oh, so you think you love yourself now? Let's see what happens to sour love when you fail to do some simple thing".

Well, shit.

[Azote]

week report #9 - Resistance drop?

The dynamics of this week deserves its description here %) Btw, I just love how every week differs from another ?

Sunday: studied 100 mins out of promised 8h. Beat myself up (mentally). BSFFed problems related to this.

Monday: the kriya-like movements, which I had while meditation, now happen all the time.  Considering my later impulses to accelerate my PD, I got scared that I'm gonna have an emotional crisis or something due to involuntary kundalini awakening. Read the kundalini book from Leo's list up to the 1st exercise, which told me to go meditate for a year more. Calmed down a bit.

Tuesday: sort of surrendered to my body. I must admit that my posture indeed improves, just like was mentioned in this topic. I let it move into lying position during meditation and had some replenishing sleep that I needed very much. Now I use those "kriyas" to set up my pose for sleep (I had problems with that for a year or so). Calmed down about the awakening issue a bit, but decided to switch to 10-15 mins of metta.

Wednesday: studied a lot, felt tired afterward, and a groupmate noted that I look upset (usually it is "are you on anti-depressants or smth?"). Also "caught" some bullshit cold.  Didn't feel much resistance or self-sabotage, though. Almost forgot about meditation.

Thursday:  studied a lot again. Same tiredness. Did some metta. Came up with a couple of huge limiting beliefs, but had no time for bsff.

Friday:  finished 40h of studying. The last one was the hardest. This was where resistance arose. Have to make it in 3 chunks, constantly dealing with thoughts like "come on, you're tired" or "so I will have to invent a new reason for suffering? why are you doing this to me?!".  Nearly started shaking after this was done.

What a week!

Now, to the report.

Meditation. 20-20-~20-5-10-15-20 mins. I guess now I have no fear of developing too fast, so I won't slow down my meditation anymore in the near time.

Lab.ditched it because of the deadlines in university.

Studying.  Scored 40 hours, fuck yeah!  Okay, look, I know it might seem to you like nothing to be so excited about, but I have been fighting for this for at least 7 weeks, and now can really see that the problem is psychological. Shit, and I've been trying to shuffle the logistics to make it work for who knows how many years.

Sports. just gym and some handstands and cartwheels.

Money.keep filling my financial journal. I ran out of my amazing vegan food. Now I will switch to the more cheap option. But somehow I feel sure that my reality will surrender, like, within a year, and will provide me with enough money to buy healthy food because It feels so good   And by "reality" I mean myself, of course)

Weight is 68.3 kg (-0.4).  Ok, I see some very slow downward trend. Gotta do something about it, I guess.  Face kin now is pretty much like the rest of the body, so maybe it's the general intoxication. Will talk with my dermatologist about it later.

Edited December 9, 2017 by Azote

[Azote]

Reminder

Yeah, they might have made all those little fixes and they still have a bit fancier life.

But I'm building a cosmodrome here

[Azote]

week report #10 - pendulum swings

First, now I start weeks on Mondays again due to new schedule at university.

I've got fire under my ass, but this week went lazy nevertheless. Well, yeah. Because of that, something unbelievable happened.

I lost appetite. 

Ok, I suspected that I overeat because of studying stress, but that was just really distinct. 

Also, I've reread my diary, writing down negative thoughts and beliefs to work on. Got 10 pages of such things out of 30 diary pages. Now I have tons of it to deal with %)

Meditation. 20-15-45-30-30-15-20 mins. 

Lab.ditched it again but today I've got to deal with it.

Studying.  Scored 28.5 hours and have to study more for today. Yeah, we have some backsliding here.

Money.keep filling my financial journal. Some ideas on how I can make some extra income came this week.

Weight is 68.0 kg (-0.3). 

[Azote]

Belief of the year

I guess I should share it here. It seems to me that this belief describes my whole life and every endeavor I failed. If I ever had good results in anything, that was pure luck or talent and I could do much, much better. I'm simply not familiar with any long-term commitment, because, ta-dam...

"As soon as there are any results, I must stop immediately"

Yeah, this is a complex belief, I wrote down about 10 aspects of it, each of them is a complex belief itself.  And, of course, this is so stupid, but hey, isn't it the key to a belief's survival? 

Working on this gradually. Like, I really want to do some massive clean-up here. Might change the course of my life and all. Or am I biased? 

Edited December 19, 2017 by Azote

[Azote]

week report #11 - small steps

What I did this week was small "rituals" every day. I practiced all my interests for at least 5 minutes. Exams? Fuck it, my needs are more important. I'm done with wasting my time on nagging about neglecting my hobbies for university's sake instead of actually studying.

The report:

Meditation. 20-20-20-20-20-40-20 mins. 

Lab. Slowly starting doing some science every day.

Studying.  Scored 33 hours since the last report. I don't count studying which is not related to the university, btw.

Money.keep filling my financial journal. 

Weight is 67.2 kg (-0.8). Skin got worse

[Azote]

week report #12 - savoring shitty life again?

Ok, I demanded too much of myself again. We all know usual results of that  Also, my monkey mind has been really nasty lately.

The report:

Meditation. 30-10-30-20-10-30-15 mins. 

Lab. Nah, sorry. 

Studying.  Didn't study after the exam on Tuesday, which I failed btw.

Money.  Journal os okay, got plans for January. I can't wait to discover what amazing reason to fuck these plans up I will find this time.

Weight is 67.6 kg (+0.4). I'm having a mega binge now, because, guess what? My dermatologist prescribed me a strict diet starting Jan 1st. Actually, I feel quite excited about it. Cause I see the sharp contrast in my state on healthy and shittty ration.

[Azote]

Week #13 - Too much bullshit

Oh boy, my report pattern is so outdated.

But I don't want to use the development of a new one as an excuse to slack off in my exam studying. Yeah, that's how it works. It's not a big deal, but before you know it, all your time is consumed.

I'll only say that my current life is still a mess. Lots of monkey chatter, lots of procrastination, waking up and going to sleep in the kinda desperate state. My head is full of shit

. Good things from this week - I still meditate, I started and finished reading the "Mastery", I draw and do music for 10-15 minutes a day, I hold my hypoallergenic diet pretty well and even exercise a bit. So I'm not a total failure.

But still, I feel so miserable. One day I had to bsff myself out of bed. Like, lol, do some subconscious work for 20 minutes just to get up. That's so fucked up.

Edited January 7, 2018 by Azote

[Shroomdoctor]

@Azote It will get better. Whatever you do, don't give up.

[Azote]

On 07.01.2018 at 7:05 PM, Shroomdoctor said:

@Azote It will get better. Whatever you do, don't give up.

Hey, thanks) Of course it will, hope so

[Azote]

Me before every exam

Oh yes I failed again 

[Azote]

Week #14

Oh I see.

It's the freedom I'm not accustomed to.

When I have external regime to maintain, like school, it goes pretty well. But as soon as there is any freedom, I turn into some self-destructive disaster. The fact that I have exams doesn't help, because they are 1-2 times a week, and I "need" daily control.

I hope I will be able to wash this slave mindset off someday.

Normal report next week)

[Azote]

Week #15

Got a new report template now  It's in accordance with my two domains scheme.

General

Meditation

Meditated 2 times a day several times this week. Also had 2 1-hour sessions. Never did either of it before. Well, I was pretty fucked up with all this insomnia, bad dreams and self-hate, gotta do smth.

Subconscious

Only 2 sessions of BSFF, but surprisingly deep.

Insights

• Hope you're ready for me, world! Despite anything, my self-acceptance does develop, slowly.
• In a sense, I am lucky to have similar problems to those Leo had along his early journey. Dives me some vision)
• Breakfast is so fucking unnecessary.

Career domain

Work ethics

Total count 24 hours, with 17.15 studying, 3.25 science, and 3.20 "side" education. Well, yeah. Doing my best, tho.

Education

Procrastinating so badly. One exam and one assignment ahead.

Job performance

Something good is coming. I mean changes in my behavior. Ever got that feeling? 

Also reading "So good they can't ignore you" now.

Income 

Yep, that's the separate thing.  Because getting real with the market is not the same thing as being a good researcher) Nothing to say here yet.

Money management

I've been pretty reckless with this lately. But it doesn't count if it's healthy food and books, right? %)

Health domain

Exercise

A little.  

Diet

Trying out intermittent fasting schedule. Pretty awesome so far. Weight today is 76.5 (-0.1 since the last report).

Skin

Better, but not ideal. I start to suspect that I have gluten intolerance or smth.