Noticed Something Interesting When Doing Nothing...

[Fuse]

Hi.

I've been struggling with porn addiction for a while now, and am finally taking action steps to freedom which others on the forum suggested a while back. After watching Leo's video on overcoming addiction, I tried doing an exercise he suggested which involved doing nothing, alone in a room for a couple of hours to see how you feel. I have a meditation habit installed anyway at 30 minutes per day, but I was a little bit intimidated by thinking about doing this exercise. He mentions that all addictions stem from fear of emptiness, which I understand since I know I avoid emptiness. So, I start my 2 hour sit of doing absolutely nothing to see how I feel, and I was shocked at the experience... I felt okay. I wasn't exactly jumping for joy or anything but I felt fine regardless. No pain, not much agitation, hardly any fear at all. I actually didn't want this to happen, I wanted the experience to be the most emotionally disturbing thing ever to help wake me the fuck up from my addiction. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? It shouldn't be this easy, right? I noticed that during the sit, I drifted in and out of fantasy which concerned me a little bit but I continued for the full 2 hours. Is this an exercise I should be repeating constantly until I'm free from my addiction, or do I need to sit there for longer such as 5 hours or something? I'm really confused right now, and scared. 

[Santiago]

What kind of fantasy? just out of curiosity, I have noticed my day-dreaming fantasies to have a meaning associated to my fears.

[Fuse]

@Santiago Just going into fantasy about almost anything you can think of: Porn, TV, video games, college work, friends, family, people I don't like, and probably most disturbing for me was thinking about death. I day dream a lot, so it was just amplified during my long sit I guess. 

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, Fuse said:

Is this an exercise I should be repeating constantly until I'm free from my addiction, or do I need to sit there for longer such as 5 hours or something?

there's no right answer for your question. you need to find a rhythm that suits you. what you really need is consistency. as soon as you find your rhythm, commit to it with all your willpower to become free from distractions.

have a wonderful life!

[Fuse]

@ajasatya I guess that means keep doing it until I'm free then? 

[Elisabeth]

@Fuse Not sure what's going on, but suggestion: Try it, when you really feel the "need" to indulge in your addiction. You will have to fight urges and really see the mechanism. I guess, I don't have that much personal experience. 

Else, maybe it's not the right method for you. No method is foolproof. 

[ajasatya]

3 hours ago, Fuse said:

@ajasatya I guess that means keep doing it until I'm free then? 

yes. be your own master. there's no ultimate authority other than your own direct experience.

[Fuse]

@Elisabeth I was thinking the same thing, actually. It's really unpredictable though, regarding when the urges happen. One thing I'm certain of, is that it happens every single day. It's especially difficult if I'm not at home and I get the urges, since I can't exactly put aside a few hours to sit doing nothing when I'm at college or something. 

[Elisabeth]

1 hour ago, Fuse said:

@ElisabethIt's especially difficult if I'm not at home and I get the urges, since I can't exactly put aside a few hours to sit doing nothing when I'm at college or something. 

On the other hand, you can't put asside an hour to watch porn if you are at college, no? So that should not be an issue. 

I think the idea is really to mindfully watch the urge instead of following it. So. You can do that anywhere and it doesn't have to be two hours. And if it's at home and you'd normally follow the urge, than you can do a longer sitting. 

At least that's my take. Actually I'm not determined enough to confront my own addictions in this way.

[Fuse]

@Elisabeth Definitely can't put time aside to watch porn at college. It's not even just porn, I'm addicted to Omegle sex chats, or just masturbating compulsively in general. The urges come anytime, which is why at college I have to distract myself fast with something. I've been struggling with this problem for years, trying to abstain but I always fall back. Quite worrying considering that I'm only 19. 

It really does hold me back in life, which is why I'm desperately trying anything to fix this. 

[Elisabeth]

8 minutes ago, Fuse said:

@Elisabeth The urges come anytime, which is why at college I have to distract myself fast with something.

Exactly. I believe the point of the method is to stop distracting yourself and face the difficulty of feeling the urge, but not responding to the urge. Just observe. You can't do this undisturbed in college, but there will be times when you're at home and do have an opportunity to do so.