A Crush?

[Spiral]

So there is this girl that I hang out with quite often, we watch movies, cuddle and so on. 

So a few days ago er did that but this time it was different, I kind of felt like I was on clouds. Very strange sensation. Now I'm normally very cold and I've never had any feeling for anyone before.

But I kind of want that feeling again, I assume I need to be with her again to get it?

Don't really have any desire to sleep with her, if that makes any difference. She is really hot though.

Is this a crush or I'm a just curious?

[Marinus]

3 hours ago, Spiral said:

So there is this girl that I hang out with quite often, we watch movies, cuddle and so on. 

So a few days ago er did that but this time it was different, I kind of felt like I was on clouds. Very strange sensation. Now I'm normally very cold and I've never had any feeling for anyone before.

But I kind of want that feeling again, I assume I need to be with her again to get it? Don't really have any desire to sleep with her, if that makes any difference. She is really hot though.

Is this a crush or I'm a just curious?

I haven't experienced it, but this sounds like you are in love . People say it is like a drug, hence feeling cold without her.

If you never experienced it then you are probably curious as well.

you will only know if you are near her again. If your desire is on the background despite the attraction then there is obviously something you really like about her.

What do you mean with cuddle? like hugging when meeting each other or something?

[SFRL]

@Spiral its your hormones. You are smelling those pheromones.

You are horny. 

[YaNanNallari]

It's most likely a crush. Falling "in love". Doesn't mean there can't also be curiosity though. The thing with romances, love and many other things is that although they are great to enjoy from it can become something you start craving for to the point where it affects your self-actualization a lot. A better way to create those positive emotions is to just work on yourself and meditate. That requires a lot of patience because the lasting results are far from instant. Accept your want for that emotion though, pushing it or demonizing only makes it stronger.

But hey it's totally fine to spend some time with her and learn new things and get some positive vibes. Your mind might try to really get to a solution of I should or shouldn't date etc but just let go a bit and see how it goes with awareness and without expectations while enjoying the moment. You'll then be able to better tell whether you should keep at it or not. Or that's what I would do.

If you feel warmer with her then maybe there's something to learn from it. Maybe that's how you should be feeling more often? Maybe not. Maybe she's showing you a better way to feel towards yourself or towards the people you want to have close in life.

[Guest username]

4 hours ago, Spiral said:

So there is this girl that I hang out with quite often, we watch movies, cuddle and so on. 

So a few days ago er did that but this time it was different, I kind of felt like I was on clouds. Very strange sensation. Now I'm normally very cold and I've never had any feeling for anyone before.

But I kind of want that feeling again, I assume I need to be with her again to get it?

Don't really have any desire to sleep with her, if that makes any difference. She is really hot though.

Is this a crush or I'm a just curious?

1

You sound like you're not being completely honest with what you'd like.

[Spiral]

@Marinus A mix of spooning,hugging and kissing basically. Now do this with some other female friends as well but she different. 

@SFRL Doesn't hurt to try I guess, I don't think she would mind.

@YaNanNallari I will definitely spend some  time with her.

@username Well I'm not very familiar with feeling and so on, so I'll might come of as dishonest.

Thanks for all the replies!

Edited October 9, 2017 by Spiral

[SFRL]

@Spiral her body wants your baby. 

It's a crime if you don't. 

[Spiral]

@SFRL just came back from her was not impressed honestly. I think I'm gonna stay away.

Had my hopes up, should have known better. 

[SFRL]

@Spiral I would just give it some more time. That's what I do in a situation like that. A lot of times the first time with a girl isn't the best, and it gets better over time. 

Might be worth it if she is hot, and otherwise has a good character. You already shot the deer, you might just as well eat it. 

It depends you are in that position. 

If I pick up on little bad behavior cues then it's done pretty fast though. 

Edited October 9, 2017 by SFRL

[egoeimai]

It's just because you want this feeling, not her.. ?

[Spiral]

@SFRL Been with her twice since the incident and did not feel anything theses last few times.

As per her personality it's not that great, she was a lot of growth to be had, she is the kind of girl all the guys want sleep with but none really wants to have something serious with.

Smokes lots of weed and is quite crude and so on.

I think it's better if I find someone else.

@egoeimai That's absolutely right. I don't even think I date her even if I had feeling for her.

P.S I'm still going to hang out with her, cuddle etc

Edited October 10, 2017 by Spiral

[Max_V]

@Spiral Eyy cuddling is not a crime. You heared, you can actually hire people to have a hug session with these days.. feelsgoodman

[Emerald]

On 10/9/2017 at 2:12 AM, Spiral said:

So there is this girl that I hang out with quite often, we watch movies, cuddle and so on. 

So a few days ago er did that but this time it was different, I kind of felt like I was on clouds. Very strange sensation. Now I'm normally very cold and I've never had any feeling for anyone before.

But I kind of want that feeling again, I assume I need to be with her again to get it?

Don't really have any desire to sleep with her, if that makes any difference. She is really hot though.

Is this a crush or I'm a just curious?

If it were a crush, you wouldn't have to ask. An infatuation is very clear because you'll have a strong urge to be with her and as close to her as possible. You'll want only her, and she'll be on your mind all the time. It's very akin to obsession but somewhat less intense and not pathological. What you're describing is maybe a mild attraction that slightly intrigues you. But I sense that you want to be able to have a crush, so it might be just mentally blowing up small feelings into bigger ones in order to feel like you've achieved the feeling state of "crush." But perhaps it is a sign that some feelings are starting to stir a bit. I would try to observe those feelings, even if they're very subtle.

I wish I could give you really effective advice for being able to feel this way. It's a beautiful feeling and my favorite drug of choice. I have been getting crushes since I was a toddler. Having experienced crushes, if I somehow lost the ability to have them, I'd be incredibly sad. I'm married but I still allow myself to feel this emotion toward other people because I just like having them that much. It really enlivens every aspect of life because it gets my energy flowing and I can use it for inspiration.

Perhaps, there are blocks that you have from the parts of you that feel strong emotions. I know that men are often expected to be stoic. So, from childhood onward, many boys/men get into the habit of numbing themselves to aspects of their emotions to maintain that stoicism. So, if you feel like this describes you, I would recommend trying to get back in touch with your emotional center and allow yourself to be vulnerable. It takes the ability to be open, sensitive, and vulnerable to be able to feel subtle and tantalizing feelings like infatuation. Otherwise, you'll only be able to feel more gross (as opposed to subtle) feelings like anger, arousal, fear, and boredom. My thought is that maybe you're too numb at present, to feel this particular emotion. Does any of this in the last paragraph describe you?

[Max_V]

@Emerald I think I have this problem. I got rejected a couple times when I was younger and now there is this feeling every time I see a cute girl that says “ Why even bother, you are not good enough anyways”

Edited October 11, 2017 by Max_V

[phoenix666]

you just described it perfectly @Emerald

I've also been getting crushes since as long as I can remember back. 

as long as you don't get too attached, or don't attach any meaning on it, (although, that mistake must be made sooner or later and it can be a huge stepping stone for growth) it is a very uplifting feeling. so energizing! it can make you smiling like a fool and giggling like a little kid. just observe your feelings as they arise. 

I kind of have to follow my own advice there, since I've just got out of a huge story...very painful. I got so attached. but I think I just came at peace with it. 

enjoy the love @Spiral  pick flowers, draw little hearts and welcome the butterflies in your belly (haha or maybe that's just what we do, I don't know what boys do when they have crushes) 

[Spiral]

9 hours ago, Emerald said:

Perhaps, there are blocks that you have from the parts of you that feel strong emotions. I know that men are often expected to be stoic. So, from childhood onward, many boys/men get into the habit of numbing themselves to aspects of their emotions to maintain that stoicism. So, if you feel like this describes you, I would recommend trying to get back in touch with your emotional center and allow yourself to be vulnerable. It takes the ability to be open, sensitive, and vulnerable to be able to feel subtle and tantalizing feelings like infatuation. Otherwise, you'll only be able to feel more gross (as opposed to subtle) feelings like anger, arousal, fear, and boredom. My thought is that maybe you're too numb at present, to feel this particular emotion. Does any of this in the last paragraph describe you?

Well I was ridiculously depressed, like really really bad. It was basely crippling depression. But one day I "cracked" and now I don't really feel much anymore.  I do get bored,  can't remember the last time was fearful but I do believe I can be  (or simply be worried?).

Anger no, not anymore(but that's a good thing). Arousal i'm not sure what you mean by that, if you mean able to to enjoy sex than yes absolutely.

How do I become open, sensitive, and vulnerable? I do share hardships and problems I've had in the past with the people in my life, don't really have any insecurities. i'm sightly worried I won't find anyone to share my life with romantically because of my inability to feel anything for them. I also don't feel remorse which is a bit messed up but, I do feel empathy at least so i'm not just gonna be mean to people.

Morally I relay on principals rather then morals. So for instance: I would not want to cheat on a partner, not because they would get hurt or because it is "inherently wrong" to cheat, but because I don't want to be the type of person that cheats.

 

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, Spiral said:

Well I was ridiculously depressed, like really really bad. It was basely crippling depression. But one day I "cracked" and now I don't really feel much anymore.  I do get bored,  can't remember the last time was fearful but I do believe I can be  (or simply be worried?).

Anger no, not anymore(but that's a good thing). Arousal i'm not sure what you mean by that, if you mean able to to enjoy sex than yes absolutely.

How do I become open, sensitive, and vulnerable? I do share hardships and problems I've had in the past with the people in my life, don't really have any insecurities. i'm sightly worried I won't find anyone to share my life with romantically because of my inability to feel anything for them. I also don't feel remorse which is a bit messed up but, I do feel empathy at least so i'm not just gonna be mean to people.

Morally I relay on principals rather then morals. So for instance: I would not want to cheat on a partner, not because they would get hurt or because it is "inherently wrong" to cheat, but because I don't want to be the type of person that cheats.

When you "cracked", did it feel like you got shoved a few feet back into yourself? Prior to age twenty, I had become very numb to where I couldn't feel most of my emotions. And there was always this kind of bubble in my chest that just felt like pent up energy. Then, I had a certain experience that most would consider mundane but it was just the straw that broke the camels back and I really broke apart.

Since then, I've been doing a lot of inner work to reintegrate the repressed parts of myself, developing more awareness of my internal workings, letting go of limiting beliefs, learning to value my emotions, and letting go of judgments both inward and outward. This has helped me become much more sensitive to a wider array of emotions because more aspects of myself are able to actually be present in reality. So, more of myself is actually experiencing the emotions.

Before that time, I had such a rigid morality structure and self-concept that most parts of myself were repressed away because they got in the way of my goal of becoming the way I wanted to be. I had really strong principles back then that were my main priority in life. I didn't care for finding myself, but I wanted to create myself by refining and whittling away at all my imperfections. And I wanted to be seen a certain way. This is what caused the numbness for me. I had to tune out to my emotions to be able to bend myself in those directions that were often not authentic to me. Bu I thought that my self-concept was what brought me value. So, I was so concerned with that, that I didn't notice that I was being inauthentic. So, working toward dismantling this rigid self-structure and learning to accept myself inside and out has helped me get back in touch with the parts of myself that I've become unconscious of. And with every aspect that I've reintegrated, I've been able to feel the emotions that correspond to that aspect of myself.

So, if you want to be able to feel the "crush" feeling, then I would try to find out what part of yourself that you've repressed away that you think might be able to feel the "crush" feeling. Then, try to reintegrate and accept that part of yourself and see what happens. Becoming aware of your judgments of yourself and others will be a big help for finding these aspects of yourself.

Edit: Do you have any judgments of men who feel strong emotions, romantically or otherwise? Do you have the judgment that others will always hurt you in a relationship? Or do you have feelings like relationships are a waste of time? These are just some examples of limiting beliefs. These can be subtle. But if you look for these types of beliefs in yourself, it will help you become aware and actively work toward getting rid of those limiting beliefs. It will make reintegration possible.

Edited October 11, 2017 by Emerald

[Emerald]

10 hours ago, Max_V said:

@Emerald I think I have this problem. I got rejected a couple times when I was younger and now there is this feeling every time I see a cute girl that says “ Why even bother, you are not good enough anyways”

Limiting beliefs can really cause a lot of repression. This will get in the way of feeling particular emotions because the part of yourself that is able to feel them is now unconscious to you, as the belief makes it impossible for that part of yourself to be part of your conscious awareness. So, it's in the Shadow. I wrote a similar comment above to Spiral. You might want to look at it for more context.

[Emerald]

10 hours ago, phoenix666 said:

you just described it perfectly @Emerald

I've also been getting crushes since as long as I can remember back. 

as long as you don't get too attached, or don't attach any meaning on it, (although, that mistake must be made sooner or later and it can be a huge stepping stone for growth) it is a very uplifting feeling. so energizing! it can make you smiling like a fool and giggling like a little kid. just observe your feelings as they arise. 

I kind of have to follow my own advice there, since I've just got out of a huge story...very painful. I got so attached. but I think I just came at peace with it. 

enjoy the love @Spiral  pick flowers, draw little hearts and welcome the butterflies in your belly (haha or maybe that's just what we do, I don't know what boys do when they have crushes) 

Detachment of the feeling from the object of the feeling is important. Because crushes often come from parts of yourself being projected onto another person. So, that's why you feel that very strong magnetism at the beginning of a relationship because you perceive the other person as being part of yourself as you've attributed unconscious parts of yourself to them. So, you can learn to integrate those aspects of yourself and grow those parts of yourself too through being able to feel positively about them in the context of your crush's personality. In order to determine if a crush is a real attraction to the other person, you have to first move past the reintegration aspect to find out if the feelings are actually for them and not just what they represent to you.

The crushes that I get now are few and far between, but are usually older male mentor figures. And I always imagine that they are intrigued about certain things about me, and it really inspires me to develop those skills because I want to impress them. It gives me a really strong push toward developing myself in those way. For a long time, I would get very attached to these older male figures, especially when I became an adult and it was legal and moral to pursue these feelings. But I realized in the earlier part of my twenties that this was just a projection to help me grow. So, they're more like muse figures that give me inspiration.

Edited October 11, 2017 by Emerald

[Max_V]

@Emerald Thanks for your reaction. 

Maybe this also has some correlation with this deep inner need I have to 'find' love.

It's an extreme sensation in my stomach that sometimes just hits me. I feel lonely and so ' far out of reach ' best way to describe it. I just really want someone to hold and have a connection with.

Edited October 11, 2017 by Max_V