I Literally Feel Like I'm Back At Ground Zero

[Psyche_92]

Hey all,

my title pretty much sums up how i'm feeling at the moment.

Over the past 2 years i've been self-actualizing myself, up to the point where i can honestly say my ego was healthy again. There were moments were i was transcending it, feeling very present. I faced all my fears, got rid of my social anxiety for 90% and started to operate from a place of abundance, i just felt whole again.

My biggest problem back in the days were the scars that i got from getting bullied for years in primary school up until high school. With that in mind, i genuinely started to feel happy again, full of life, but right now i feel like i've lost everything i've gained in 1 day, after having an EMDR session with my therapist 2 days ago.

Because of some memories of my past ( bullies ), i wanted to do an EMDR session with my therapist, feeling like it would be cool if also those memories could get numbed out. We did the session, but i could only focus on a picture that flashed in my mind, showing the faces of my bullies. It took about an hour, and i didn't really feel like the EMDR did it's job. My therapist told me that she felt like it wasn't severe enough anymore for EMDR to be effective, because there were no strong feelings in my body attached to them anymore. After the session i got home and started to feel kind of mellow. The day after my session, i could really feel that something was not right, because i woke up depressed after a horrible sleep with some nightmares involved. During the day i just couldn't forget the picture i had during the EMDR session, and it didn't leave me alone, so i decided to meditate. Today it's 2 days ago, woke up a little bit happier but still kind of depressed. As quickly as i was awake, the picture flashed in my mind again, which got me in a bad mood yet again. I tried to stay positive, going to the gym thinking that would make me feel better, but it honestly was a very bad idea. At first my mood was getting better, lifting some weights, sweating, but then all of a sudden, 2 of my past bullies got in the gym. I couldn't really believe it at first, because i never saw them in my gym before. They were looking down on me, but i didn't really care too much, still it left me in awe.

I'm feeling shitty right now, and kind of defeated. I thought i got over all of this, and i really felt like something in me had changed. I'm so scared that i've lost everything i've gained. I was becoming such a happy person, and right now everything is foggy, i seem to have lost it all again. I'm hoping this is just some kind of dip or after effect of the EMDR, and that i will feel like the old me, who was feeling at least a 8 out of 10 for most of my days. 

I'm planning to add some extra meditation to get me out of this rut, but i'm not sure if i can "force" this. I also know that i just have to come at peace with feeling this way, but it's hard.

 

 

[Growf]

Hi. 

Wow that's sounds bad. My personal guess is that you just need a couple of weeks to come back again. I don't believe 2 years of serious self-actualization work can be un-done by an EMDR session, but then again that is the last thing I would consider battling my anxiety. 

Just give it a couple of weeks and be kind to yourself! Only time can give you an answer at this moment.

 

[YaNanNallari]

When in a bad mood you see the future colored with that mood as well. It might not look so good but it can and indeed will change. Even if you feel like no progress was made there for sure has been progress. It's not so important to measure progress anyway in this case. It's more about accepting what is now than trying to hold on to progress and success very neurotically.

When it comes to bullies just know that they aren't happy living they way they are. They might even claim to be, but it's not really true. It can be important to realize that the way they live will not give good results in the end at all. Once this is seen then you will have an easier time not caring about it and ignoring them. Your emotional pain might still stay though. Try to feel the pain without thinking about it. Only the feeling, no thoughts. You'll be alright.

[ajasatya]

@Psyche_92 you haven't lost anything. in fact, you've never gained anything in the first place.

live each day for its own sake.

[pluto]

This should help

 

[electroBeam]

@Psyche_92 you need to get use to loosing everything and restarting from ground zero if you want to keep actualizing.

This is a natural part of the process. The actualization you've been doing for the last 2 years was building a scaffold for a building, now you need to start from ground zero and actually build that building again. 

See what you've been doing for the last 2 years isn't actually self actualization, its putting on a bandaid for problems that you've been having. Now you need to rip it off and solve the actual wound.

This is what EMDR is, its solving things from the root. You can't avoid you past, you need to embrace it and accept it. Time to destroy all the bandaids you've been making and begin to actually fix the root problem: heaps of resources out their to do that I wont mention them.

You haven't wasted the last 2 years of your life, its probably the case that you were too ignorant to solve things from the root 2 years ago, so bandaids were the only way, but don't expect that bandaid to hold forever.