The Fear Of Failure And Rejection

[Soumya]

Hey all!

I don’t know how to sum up how am I feeling right now. I have never opened up this way, but I decide to write today with all my courage.  It’s tough, painful and unbearable. I had a difficult childhood, all my life I had been into books, targets, results, awards and accolades. As a student, I hardly talked to anyone in college. I don’t have a friend circle. I face social anxiety, I am unable to talk to people with confidence, I can hardly face anyone around me, and I fear they won’t understand me. I don’t maintain an eye contact with them. I hardly go out these days. I used to be a competitive and brilliant student in school and college, but I believe I have lost that spark in me .Now I am slow at things and get confused easily, I fear competition. My energy drains out very often thinking about how I read and meet my daily targets. I procrastinate and that adds up to my burden.   I have to face this feeling of guilt, I mock myself often. My mind is very volatile; I am highly inconsistent these days. I discontinued my research last year to pursue something new in life. My research wasn’t going that well, and I was not content with the work I was doing, so I quit. I thought all will be fine thereafter.  I am to appear for an exam in a couple of months, but I am so inconsistent with studies. This exam means a lot to me, I try everyday to meet my targets but I fail drastically. All I want to do is clear this exam in one attempt. I watch many inspirational videos often and set a new routine every day, there are times when I feel so powerful and the very next day I feel so helpless. I have watched all of Leo’s videos on meditation, finding out life purpose, procrastination, setting targets, and backsliding and many more. It has been more than a year since I have followed the videos. But I lack consistency in thoughts and action.  After all these,   I am still unable to understand is it some mental disorder or emotional one! What should I do exactly? Is there any way I can overcome this negativity in me without going for a counselor or a therapist?

Thank you

[Keyblade Viking]

For me it's not quite as bad socially but sometimes it feel like it so I can relate to how you feel, the only think I feel like I need is some girl(s) in my life and I'm trying to work on that as well but importantly when you go on that journey is to not be needy for result but focus on how well you did, if you did your best trying to talk to someone or whatever you evolve and do what you can, be proud over that, this is your story, you're the star, don't make it about anyone else.

"I have to face this feeling of guilt, I mock myself often."

Practice being aware all the fucking time and know that you are not your ego, mock the ego and laugh at it but the moment you start to feel self pity you become aware of it and can let go of it and laugh at yourself who are so awesome and still think you're pathetic.

When you can't do that give in to it completely instead, this is hard to explain and I've said it in several other threads but just feel that negativity as much as possible and take comfort in it, humbleness is the key to heaven lol, when you do this try not to think to much about it, it's fine if you do but focus on the feeling/emotion itself.

[positivegeorge]

To me it sounds like you are going through a phase of depression that kept getting worse and worse. Now you are at the bottom of it and you can lift your head up. It only goes up from here so keep that in mind.

In your post you mentioned a lot of things that you can't and don't do anymore. If these are things that you know you enjoy and will make your life better then you have answered you question already. 

Simply do these things that you haven't been doing. If you truly enjoy them and they will eventually make your life better. It will take some time and efforts on your part but that is all part of the game we call life.

You need to face these fears no matter how scary and fight until they disappear. 

Everything you said in this post was negative, how about being a little more positive.

10 hours ago, Soumya said:

As a student, I hardly talked to anyone in college. I don’t have a friend circle. I face social anxiety, I am unable to talk to people with confidence, I can hardly face anyone around me, and I fear they won’t understand me. I don’t maintain an eye contact with them. I hardly go out these days.

Maybe try talking to people, making a friend circle, being social, talking with confidence, maintaining eye contact and going out. 

I understand that these things will be very hard for you. That is why I am suggesting a slow start into all of this. For example try going out once a week and take that as a big win! I know it is only once a week but from there you will gain so much and eventually gain your entire life back.

You just need to start, start somewhere and start small. Celebrate every victory no matter how small!

Now once you have got yourself a little confidence and the ball has started to roll. Now is the time to go out and try something completely new!

What is something that you have always wanted to do but have just never gotten around to doing it? Go out and do it! NOW!

[ayokolomo]

I was exactly in the same position that you are in, only I was older. I lost my busisness, my money, alomst $1,000,000 in debt, had to move back to my mothers house at 30.  All with a 2 year old son.  The self loathing was intense.  The voice in my head was saying "you fucking suck," over and over, all day every day.

Start small.  You forgot what it feels like to be valuable.  Give a name to that voice in your head that tells you negative shit.  Then as you feel that voice come again, simply repeat.

"I love and accept you just the way you are."

It wont mean anything at first, just empty words, but with enough repetitions you will start doing it unconsciously and it will become more and more powerful.

Start a very easy and small habit.  For me it was just do 25 pushups every day.  Then emotionally reward yourself.  "see look at how amazing and capable I am."  

Of course, I am not a professional, dont be scared to seek professional help.

[Soumya]

3 hours ago, ayokolomo said:

//Give a name to that voice in your head that tells you negative shit.  Then as you feel that voice come again, simply repeat.//

This is exactly what's happening to me, so many voices leave me utterly confused. My mind does not listen to me as if it has become an enemy. But I will work on it for sure, next time it happens I will make sure that "I love and accept myself the way I am".

//Start a very easy and small habit.// - I will start it soon.

Thank you

 

[Soumya]

5 hours ago, positivegeorge said:

To me it sounds like you are going through a phase of depression that kept getting worse and worse. Now you are at the bottom of it and you can lift your head up. It only goes up from here so keep that in mind.

This made my day! I will start small. I talked to my classmates today after a long time, it felt good.

[Soumya]

15 hours ago, Keyblade Viking said:

this is your story, you're the star, don't make it about anyone else.

Absolutely! Self pity is dangerous , I will let it go. I am awesome and I will be so.

Thank you

[Lumi]

Yeah, talking to people can make one very happy. I'm also currently working on this. It's amazing how happy a chat with even the cashier can make you.

But, talking about the fear of rejection: Deep in me I have this fear of letting my parents down. Usually, I don't do anything that could possibly make them unhappy... But, I feel so trapped everytime I'm back home. (I moved out to go to uni.) It's like my mom is completely controlling me. She's always  very curious about everything I do, which is why I feel like I can't (or don't want to) tell her everything. I just want to have a life that is mine. I want decisions that are mine. I don't want to be terrified to drink one glas of wine, just because my mom could come in. I know, this will destroy the ten year old image of me in her head, but, I am twenty. And I'm far from binge drinking.

I've always avoided talking about this, because people don't understand how intense it feels. My best friend says it's normal to drink some beer or wine or whatever with your family. And, my parents do, but I... don't. I feel like I'm not allowed to grow up.

[Lumi]

Has anyone please got advice in this? I feel like it's limiting me a lot.

[Phocus]

On 2/24/2016 at 2:23 PM, Lumi said:

Yeah, talking to people can make one very happy. I'm also currently working on this. It's amazing how happy a chat with even the cashier can make you.

But, talking about the fear of rejection: Deep in me I have this fear of letting my parents down. Usually, I don't do anything that could possibly make them unhappy... But, I feel so trapped everytime I'm back home. (I moved out to go to uni.) It's like my mom is completely controlling me. She's always  very curious about everything I do, which is why I feel like I can't (or don't want to) tell her everything. I just want to have a life that is mine. I want decisions that are mine. I don't want to be terrified to drink one glas of wine, just because my mom could come in. I know, this will destroy the ten year old image of me in her head, but, I am twenty. And I'm far from binge drinking.

I've always avoided talking about this, because people don't understand how intense it feels. My best friend says it's normal to drink some beer or wine or whatever with your family. And, my parents do, but I... don't. I feel like I'm not allowed to grow up.

Break your dependency on your parents and redefine your relationship with them.  You can still show them that you love them, but also that you wish to seek out your own path.  Take responsibility for your life.

[Phocus]

On 2/24/2016 at 2:23 PM, Lumi said:

Yeah, talking to people can make one very happy. I'm also currently working on this. It's amazing how happy a chat with even the cashier can make you.

But, talking about the fear of rejection: Deep in me I have this fear of letting my parents down. Usually, I don't do anything that could possibly make them unhappy... But, I feel so trapped everytime I'm back home. (I moved out to go to uni.) It's like my mom is completely controlling me. She's always  very curious about everything I do, which is why I feel like I can't (or don't want to) tell her everything. I just want to have a life that is mine. I want decisions that are mine. I don't want to be terrified to drink one glas of wine, just because my mom could come in. I know, this will destroy the ten year old image of me in her head, but, I am twenty. And I'm far from binge drinking.

I've always avoided talking about this, because people don't understand how intense it feels. My best friend says it's normal to drink some beer or wine or whatever with your family. And, my parents do, but I... don't. I feel like I'm not allowed to grow up.

Break your dependency on your parents and redefine your relationship with them.  You can still show them that you love them, but also that you wish to seek out your own path.  Take responsibility for your life.