Meditation Has Changed With Some Strange Realization

[Edita]

Hey, everyone!

My english is poor, but I really want to share some interesting thing, that happened to me recently, want to know, if im going to the right direction.... And what is that?

First off all, I have a lot of external problems, nothing special, as all people - struggling to find life purpose, job, self confidence, etc., also I am a mom of two kids.

Following actualized.org probably two years, so I know some theory about enlightenement, meditation, this year I completed vipassana 10 day course, after that I tried to install meditation habit, and that was hard, because I believed that I must to struggle a lot in order to reach something, that will change my life, that suddenly some things will come , that I never experience before, there was belief, that these changes is something, that will happen to me from outside, if i put a lot struggles to meditate, and meditation was always like a war with my thoughts.

About week ago I was sitting in my kitchen, planning and thinking about my life, it was raining. And one moment I just concentrated on that view through the window and by the same time suddenly realized, that my mind is not thinking anymore. Complete silence. I put my attention to that silence, wandering, where is my thoughts, and that was the first time I clearly realised, that something is behind my thoughts. It's like ocean, or water gently vibrating, silent and peacefull, when I am not thinking. It's not exactly silence, because I can feel, well not feel, but I just experiencing it even when im with people if remember to notice that. It is always here. Whenever I go and do, it doesnt matter, that peace is always there, if I choose to be present, but... I never realized, never was noticing that.

I was meditating couple of times since that realization... Meditation doesnt seem struggle right now at all, I just sitting and experiencing that peace, stillnes, it is arising not from my head, but that energy flowing somewhere from/in center of my belly. I feel emotions, body sensations, thoughts, but they seems like really far from me. If i open my eyes, everything seems unreal. It's so calming, like some ocean of emptyness inside me, not joy, not sadness, just nothing to even spoke about, complete calmness... I dont have any more words to explain that state.. 

Edited October 3, 2017 by Edita
Grammar

[Hero in progress]

@Edita

That's sounds like you had a real moment of presence there ( looking out the window) and now you have a opening to go deeper into presence.

You have realised that there is a dimension that is beyond thoughts, and this dimension is a formless space that witnesses your thoughts, doesn't it? 

And that this space is actually a more authentic place, it has to be doesn't it? You already said that when you would sit and meditate it would be like a war with you and your thoughts. So clearly trying to control your thoughts doesn't work, why? Its because there's a more authentic place where your true self resides. And this is the silent dimension that is aware of your thoughts. So instead of trying to control your thoughts, which in fact has the opposite effect of stopping them. Instead stay where you already are in that silent space of observation. And just watch thoughts come and go like the weather. Same thing with emotions too. Its not difficult, its really simple in fact. Any sense of it being difficult or a struggle are JUST MORE THOUGHTS isn't it? 

I notice you are trying or have been trying to sit and meditate in a "formal" way, when in fact this is putting to much pressure on yourself. In a way your trying to force it, which is something I think every meditator (myself included) have done. Why not try something much more natural from now on, which is staying present in the now. And from that a formal sitting may come naturally at some point in the future.

So when your do some stuff around the house, taking a shower, sitting in the garden, cleaning the floor ect. Be completely present in the moment, really "receive" the moment. From that presence will come a alert consciousness, with more sensitivity. 

Say if your cleaning for example during that proccess be aware of all the different noises that surround you, try and be aware of the inner aliveness of your body, smell the different fragrances in the air, and be aware of the sun peaking through the blinds ect. And really deeply realise that the present moment is all we ever have, and therefore if we are always seeking for the next best thing to happen then we miss our life now, which is in fact all there is. Notice its the mind always projecting forward not you. And if you go along with that then your life will be very miserable, you know why? Because the ego is never happy or never satisfied, always wants something better to come along. I am not saying don't have goals or a vision for were you want your life to go, but just remember that if this is in fact the egos operating principle ( which it is) then you will always miss what's right in front of you in favour of a projected dream of some future ideal that may not satisfy the ego after its come and been around for a while anyway.

I think you should read eckart tolles books the power of now, or new earth. This man can explain and guide you better than I can. And I really think you would benefit by reading those books and really taking on what he says in them. You never know you may find just from doing something as simple as cleaning in a present way, a joy and peace may start arising by itself one day.

Good luck.

[Brimstone]

@Edita continue to ask, am I going in the right direction? And what is That? 

[Edita]

On 10/4/2017 at 2:03 AM, Hero in progress said:

@Edita

That's sounds like you had a real moment of presence there ( looking out the window) and now you have a opening to go deeper into presence.

...

 

Thanks for your time to reply to my message, everything you wrote is exactly to the point! 

I just will add some of my conclusions I made today after meditation.

It is difference that is unbelievable hard to explain. First, because english is not my native, second - probably nobody cant in any kind of language or words, only by direct experience. For example, when you hear song of the bird, you can hear it, listen "now" and at the same time you are involved in that. You can say, that you not, but you are. You still attaching yourself to whathever you experiencing in the now. That doesnt help, thats why a lot of people give up I guess all that meditation stuff. Like that example - cleaning something, you dont want to be aware of that process. You want to be aware of what is BEHIND that process, behind that smell, behind all feelings, sensations, behind your breath... Behind. In you.
When there is awareness of that stillness, "silence", "ocean" when you turn attention to that "field" inside, everything shifts - you become field for everything around - thoughts, emotions, sounds, feelings... it is here, whenever you want to find it, doesnt really matter, whats happening in life that moment, it is permanent, and doesnt change. That field is like music - whole life, including own body, and all what we call  "you" dancing to that music, life then floating like a river whithout any struggles anymore. In another words, you starting feeling presence in yourself, and that is so peacefull. Rest in piece - that is how I call my meditation right now, and... I dont feel I need to practice vipassana any more. It looks pointless and naive once I grasped that deepness in myself. Or as you described - that dimension or formless space in backround. 

New Earth -i was listen Eckharts audiobook half year ago. Nothing happened then. But I'm going to re-listen it. Because with new experience every Eckart word starts to shine differently, and resonates with me in totally different perspective - "you have everything already, you just dont realized that", "presence cant' be found in external world or things, only in you",  its just pure Truth, I cannot describe how accurate those words are right now...

 

Edited October 5, 2017 by Edita

[Hero in progress]

@Edita

Your on the right path! Stay in that presence, your starting to come back into your own being. You could watch leos video again about the heros highest journey. Its your calling.

And about eckarts book, your completely right! Listen to it again you will get something more from it now, because your more open, and probably your consciousness has increased some.

Good luck, I'm right on this journey with you.