Existence Doesn’t Care; It Just Fucking Loves You [ayahuasca Trip Report]

[Gabriel Antonio]

You co-create each moment. You don’t even know how much power you carry. It is an in-the-moment power. Just by you being an instrument of Peace, you begin to transform the world. Actually, you don’t fucking do anything. Haha. That’s the beauty of the practice. You think “you” are doing the greatest deed, but actually you are just an instrument of the Absolute Love. You can change your state so quickly… it is a CLICK. And BAM! Heaven is revealed.

 

This was my main insight during the trip. Now, let's go to some other ones: 

 

Just fucking accept being bored... 

 

As a technological-oriented person, I oftentimes fail to appreciate the simplicity of what is already being given to me. Seriously, why do I keep wanting so goddamn much? I fail to appreciate the power of patience. What does that mean? Sometimes nothing will happen, and that is wonderful. So, in a way, if I am feeling bored out of my mind, if I think, “Oh my goodness, this person is so boring. I think I am going to die of boredom”, BAM! That’s a sign to stay with that boredom instead of running away by doing something else to make up for that unpleasant feeling.

 

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As you may know, there is only You here. You are God. But that is just the first part of the story. The second part is that I am also God. Everybody you walked by today is also God. The question is: are you listening to people really? Or are you stuck in your own little universe? We often want to be heard, but we don't want to listen.

To be successful with women, you don't need to be that alpha-macho guy who talks very confidently, sometimes the most attractive thing you can do is to listen... It is so freaking funny... people start projecting "godly" attributes to you. 

 

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Trust your vulnerability 

 

Sometimes the simple intention of “wanting to understand the other party” is enough to make yourself and the other person happy. Have you ever had that feeling of being in a group and everybody wants to talk, but nobody is willing to listen?

I have been focusing a lot on “building self-confidence.” This is great, but I can easily miss the target by trying to improve myself too much. What I have found is that people (and especially women) like me the most when I am focusing on being natural. This means that if I am not feeling well, it is perfectly fine to be honest about that. If I am low on energy, I do not have to pretend that I am with high vibes. No… instead, I am learning to be more human, you know?

 

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Stop being a goddamn micro-managing boss!

 

As Jack Kornfield puts it,

Quote

“The goal is not to perfect yourself. The goal is to perfect your love.”

 

Guys, I don’t know if you have watched Leo’s video on self-love. If you haven’t, watch it at least once. The energy of unconditional love is so strong that it instantaneously melts away tons and tons of your ugly emotional and personality problems. Trying to run away from your personality by focusing on an ideal self is a fucking waste of time and energy. Think of it like this: you have an Army of Angels living in your subconscious mind. Just give commands to yourself, and that army will work for you. You will think that you are doing wonderfully in your life, but actually it all boils down to the subconscious mind. 

Or do you seriously want to do it all alone? Self-improvement can lead to many traps. You can become highly neurotic. Why? Because you can put yourself under a microscope. It is just like getting addicted to cleaning. Don’t get me wrong: cleaning is great, but accept that things will get dirty again. On the other hand, when you decide to focus on your heart space, everything starts to auto-balance and auto-correct.

What do you prefer: auto-correction, big results, and easy [Love] OR manual correction, poor results, and stress [ego-driven self-improvement]? 

 

“I got to take massive action to change stuff in my life” >> Ok, Ego, thank you for your concern. But seriously Love will melt away all problems. Haha. Sorry to break to you, highly masculine-oriented folks here on this forum…

I would love to say: “Go ahead and do 4 hours of meditation a day, and your life will transform.” Sorry, but no. I am also accustoming myself to practicing love. As Leo puts it sounds fruity, too soft… Unconditional self-love is the fastest way to enlightenment. And when I mean unconditional self-love is: you love yourself regardless of what you are doing. Stop seeing yourself like you are some kind of enemy. Creating partitions in your mind of “the good me vs the bad me” is a direct road to hell. Separation is the greatest illusion… Good and bad… Sweet and sour… God and Devil… All two sides of the same coin. They need each other. Lightness needs darkness.

 

Enlightenment is not an excuse to be mean to people.

Sometimes the highest form of sophistication is to be an extremely simple human being. as fragile as you are… We often carry this armor of survival... we simply don’t allow ourselves to let it go, you know? I am talking, now, to your subconscious mind: you are safe. You are safe to be whoever you feel like it. You are safe to express yourself. You are safe to be you.

 

Trust me, you are not a monster. Or if you want to live your life thinking that you are the “enemy”, go ahead and do it. But know that telling yourself those kinds of things are as effective as saying to a 5-year-old “You are a little monster. I will discipline you.” And then you spank that 5-year-old. Good job, Ego!!!

 

It all comes down to lack of love.

 

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Thank you, Leo!!!

 

During this trip, a lot of things that Leo says came to mind. I was like, “Yes! That makes perfect sense! Thank you for the courage to having the guts of saying ‘You are the Devil’” Trust me, guys, a lot of things that Leo says makes zero sense today, but its meaning will be crystal-clear 5 or 10 years from now. Just take those bitter pills and shut up…

 

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Greatest fear... 

 

I also worked with my greatest fear which is to go crazy. I feel like my insanity waves were all a self-fulling prophecy. Plus, I trusted what others said about me. Two years ago I was highly vulnerable and I ended up opening myself up to the wrong people, which made me feel unsafe -- as if there was something wrong with me. I was sick emotionally, and the other person was also sick. Not helpful at all…

 

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Feminine vs Masculine Energies

 

I achieved some amazing states while I was on the psychedelic experience. I am exploring masculine versus feminine energy. It is so fascinating to study the two poles. Yin, yang. Currently my favorite Leo's video is "Masculine vs Feminine" It makes so much sense! Very enlightening video!

This paradox is so beautiful.

 

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Do not dismiss the seeking... 

 

I could tell you all: don’t force yourself too much, don’t get lost in all the seeking, just Be… However, this is very easy to say in my position. I am so laid-back and happy now, because I went through the experience of fucking things up, screwing up the whole process because I was rushing too much… And, now, I have simply relaxed the fuck down. However, that “journey” was necessary…

And what I notice is that I dismiss that in others. I think to myself, “Oh my god, why does this person make so much effort?” This is especially true to enlightenment. Enlightenment shouldn’t be your number 1 priority. Let it come naturally… Hahaha… but do whatever you are doing.

You might think, “BUT WHAT SHOULD I DO?????” Anything… seriously… This life is a trip. Yes, it might be painful, unpleasant, annoying as fuck; but it is worth it. This life only is true because of Love. Seriously, why would You have invented this whole thing, if it weren’t for Love? You might dismiss the power of unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, and unconditional positive regards towards yourself; but those are the things that will bring you results at least 10x faster, stronger, and more intensively than neurotic self-improvement. Results start to pouring in... It will rain blessing... And plus... it will be in a smooth way.

 

Soft is the new strong!!!

 

But…… if you want to go the other way, the way of pain, go ahead and do it. If you think you “have to” suffer, this is your choice. Love is always here, whether you want it or not.

 

But the question is: how can I be more loving towards myself?

 

> Invoke the Divine and forward your emotional bullshit to It.

If you’re like a scientific type of person, like I am, you might disregard this. I choose to believe in higher forms of intelligence and I ask for their guidance. Sometimes I go, "Buddha, use me in this moment. I can't take it by myself... Work yourself through me." By setting this simple intention, my actions start to automatically change. By believing, you co-create it. 

 

> Unconditional gentle self-talk

It is rather sad how I usually talk to myself. I am kind of like my worst enemy. So... I am now treating myself as I would treat a 5-year-old. My inner child doesn't understand logic, rationality. Therefore, I should treat it accordingly, you know? So... lots of fruity self-talk

 

> Allow all thoughts to pass through you without judgement

When was the last time you allowed yourself to think whatever your inner child wants? We become so fearful to think as spiritual seekers. It is like, “OH MY GOD! I HAD A THOUGHT! SHAME ON ME!!!!” This is obviously an exaggeration, but this happens in a smaller scale on your mind -- as if there was such a thing as failing.

Tell me: how are you supposed to fail? Maybe the only way to fail is to fall into the traps of the Great Illusion. But even so, Existence loves you regardless of that. Existence doesn’t fucking care; it just fucking loves you.

 

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Random thoughts 

 

When was the last time you watched the FIRE? This is a perfect example of a Masculine Love. Fire simply warms you and is beautiful. BUt….. we run and run and run… You already are the fire.

 

Don’t listen too much to other people. They are really talking to their own selves through you. If people are bashing out at you, they are talking to themselves. If people are praising you, they are talking to themselves. You probably need people right now. And let me tell you: relationships are messy.

 

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Let’s face it: you ain’t gonna solve all your bad habits in one-go. Just fucking trust the process…

 

Quote

 

“People overestimate what they can accomplish in 1 years, but they underestimate what they can achieve in 5 years.”

Tony Robbins

 

 

I have been on the self-development journey for 3 years. And the results are amazing… maybe the greatest trap of this journey is to take yourself too hard. Yes, sometimes you are too damn soft and lazy, but have some goddamn compassion for yourself. You have listened to so much bullshit ever since you were in your mom’s womb… You picked up all that anxiety, negative self-talk on a cellular level.

 

Deep change does happen in an instant, but don’t expect change to happen. Don’t expect enlightenment to happen. This ain’t your job. Your job is to sit and do your practice. Don’t worry if you practice seems weak, it will build up naturally. It is very helpful to have a sangha to practice with. You will learn most of the things by osmosis. 

 

What I would tell to myself of 3 years ago is: practice self-development for 3 fucking minutes a day. And the rest you allow your subconscious mind to do the hard work for you Hahaha. Your subconscious mind is like an army. Just give some commands daily.

 

I warn you: if you overdo shit, you will get aversed to it. Right now, I am pretty aversed to meditation because I tried too freaking hard at it… The trick is not caring so much… A little strategic change can bring the greatest result. Success is measured by inches. A highly developed human being is pretty much similar to you, but there are some strategic small moves they do daily that triggers those beautiful results.

 

 

Stop being such a hard worker, and become a smart worker. 

 

Patience, patience, and patience.

 

Be fucking consistent!

 

You will find your way.

 

Just fucking relax… Hahaha… easier said than done. Enjoy the journey! You co-create it.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Gabriel Antonio
ppl bitching about the title

[Heart of Space]

1 hour ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Have you ever had that feeling of being in a group and everybody wants to talk, but nobody is willing to listen?

Reminds me a bit of this forum to be honest.  Around every corner is someone who had a singular experience wants to play teacher/guru and way overuses the word "fucking" for emotional emphasis like a pre-teen.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Heart of Space

[Heart of Space]

5 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

Isn't that what you're doing here?  Correcting all of us now?  So, now you get to play guru too.  See how that works?

My singular experience was reading your great posts my master Guru Maynor-san.  I am little more enlightened form your response.  Thanks for setting me straight.  I am sorry, OP, I was way off base.  

[Shrek_Of_Justice]

Great read! Thanks! Really puts the tryharding of developing yourself in perspective, haha... 

3 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Don’t listen too much to other people. They are really talking to their own selves through you.

Also, I really resonate with what you said about this. It makes it so damn strange to interact with humans because you're really just interacting with yourself, just as them. How are you supposed to converse with someone else if you're just talking to yourself? And how can you take someone serious if they're talking to themselves? 

Great post man, I needed that 

[Max_V]

@Heart of Space Why do you have to be so rude? Just look at what OP has to say and if you don’t care or don’t agree, just don’t respond.

[Dodo]

6 hours ago, Heart of Space said:

Reminds me a bit of this forum to be honest.  Around every corner is someone who had a singular experience wants to play teacher/guru and way overuses the word "fucking" for emotional emphasis like a pre-teen.

Only customer support can get me to use multiple 'fucking' in same sentence.

On the 29th I send this: 
29.09.2017 23:13 
Dear Support,
Could you please lift the freeze on my account? Or at least give me the reasons of why it is frozen? My account name is ------.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation,
Dobromir Zlatev

After few days with no response, earlier today I sent: 

Dear Support,
Can you please fucking respond to my previous email as I want to have fucking access to my fucking account and you are just keeping fucking silent.
Thank you so very fucking much.

 

Back to the enlightenment board...

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Shrek_Of_Justice That's so cute! Hahahahaha...

Guys, I was very unsure about the title of this topic. I did not even notice that I had written "fucking" twice. I just felt in the moment... Maybe psychedelics is a good thing for you folks hahaha... When you enter the Love Frequency, you stop caring about those minute details...

[cetus]

2 minutes ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Guys, I was very unsure about the title of this topic

@Gabriel Antonio Good call. I was just leaving you a reply that address exactly that. I deleted it since you see it now for yourself. 

[Heart of Space]

Sorry guys, had a few drinks last night and transformed into a cu** for a minute.   Sorry about that, I'm entertained with myself at the time, but I'm always embarrassed the next day.

Now to go make this same apology post, but over on Facebook.  Trolled my conservative grandmother on some post about the Vegas shooting and gun control.  

Edited October 3, 2017 by Heart of Space

[Nahm]

@Gabriel Antonio thank you!!!!!!!

[Max_V]

@Heart of Space Hahahah, it’s all good man. Much love to you

[Dodo]

1 hour ago, Joseph Maynor said:

@Dodo Go take it up with the boss!  

I'll take it up with the big boss upstairs 

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Dodo said:

I'll take it up with the big boss upstairs 

But....existence doesn't care.

[zazed]

wonderful, thank you for sharing!

[Dodo]

18 minutes ago, Nahm said:

But....existence doesn't care.

Non existence cares then! I'll tell non existence,  because existence is a b.

[herghly]

20 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

During this trip, a lot of things that Leo says came to mind. I was like, “Yes! That makes perfect sense! Thank you for the courage to having the guts of saying ‘You are the Devil’” Trust me, guys, a lot of things that Leo says makes zero sense today, but its meaning will be crystal-clear 5 or 10 years from now. Just take those bitter pills and shut up…

hahahaha this is great !

Sometimes when i watch Leos videos i think " he's crazy what the fuck is he on about" , but when i was on ayahuasca i had the thought" HOLY SHIT leos not crazy! he is right!"

 

Funny how this works

[Be Yourself]

Beautiful and inspiring! 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Hahahaha, I just read the original post today. HAhahaha it is ridiculous how many times I used the word "fuck"

It is just that... It was so magical... 

13 hours ago, Shrek_Of_Justice said:

How are you supposed to converse with someone else if you're just talking to yourself? And how can you take someone serious if they're talking to themselves? 

I feel like we understand our own selves better through seeing ourselves through the other person. During the ceremony, I was judging people very heavily. And then it came to me that I was actually judging myself. So, in a way, you can see things in yourself faster when you're interacting with others... I don't really know... Haha... 

What came to me very clearly after the trip was done is that what people most need is recognizition and loving approval. We have become so selfish in giving attention... We just want to prove that we're right... And... everybody wants to be right... 

 

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Continuation.... 

 

I was freaking out before I drank the Magical Tea (aka ayahuasca :P), and everything looked so good... Fire represents unconditional love... Anyway... maybe this experience was so intense and liberating that now my ego has come back in full-force ahahaha. 

Anyway, I didn't really talk about the masculine vs feminine images that came to my mind. I don't really understand them, to be honest. This trip was a huge hug to my heart. I thought it was going to be scary as fuck, but it was just the opposite. Everything is here to help... 

I have been struggling a bit to readapt to the 3-D world. But the challenge is to incorporate this level of consciousness to "my" life... I really don't feel love right now, which is okay... It is so good when it happens, though... Ecstasy is your only option... but, as the book says,

 

It is very easy to isolate myself and fall into a huge ego backlash. It is so crazy... I was in heaven 3 days ago, and now an equal amount of force is being put upon me in the other direction (shadow). It is hard... but I am just keeping in mind to stay calm and trust the process... 

Two things I forgot to mention: 

> Power of friends 

As Thich Nhat Hahn says, "Without a Sangha, we cannot go very far." I attribute 90% of my "success" to two friends I have been seeing frequently. They are helping me soooo much... To keep my calm... To keep my vibration and thoughts on a good level... Self-regulating everything. I love the internet, don't get me wrong, but the type of pleasure you get from real heart-to-heart connections is incomparable to online communities. As a friend says, there can be infinite internets, but they will never substitute the power of a real sangha. 

I would still be suffering too damn much if it weren't for these two friends. They accept myself and my shadow. Everybody who sees me think I am a "radiant" guy, but seriously they have no idea Hahaha... Whoever has a lot of light also has a lot of shadow. And I am very fortunate that these two friends are embracing me, giving me loving attention (even when I am a dick to them)... I don't feel worthy of their friendship, because I really don't do much to them. By as one of them says, "Your presence is enough." I love that... I don't have to do anything, you know? Just relaaaax... but at the same time stay firm. Relaxed but firm. 

 

> Decisions 

The ceremony was all about decision-making. This insight came to me: 

Decide. It doesn't matter the result as long as you decide.

The worst thing that can happen is getting stuck and paralyzed in the deciding process. You know that paralysis by analysis sort of thing?

For example: I was very unsure whether to go or not to the ayahuasca ceremony. I would have guilted myself if I hadn't gone. I would probably say, "Oh... I lost that opportunity. Shit!" However, my mind is so stuck in the "judging mode" that it doesn't matter what I do; it always finds a way to say that it is wrong. It is set on the "negative" pilot. So... whatever I do, I tell myself that it is wrong. As you can imagine, this drains my energy A LOT... 

So I feel it is a matter of deciding and stop thinking about it later on. 

 

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You Already Are. You can't escape this truth. Hahaha... Getting in touch with this truth will melt away TONS of problems. At the same time, you will still be who you already are... Hahah.. crazy... 

I don't know about you guys, but I first experienced the Truth when I was 7. Whenever I use psychedelics and my ego dies, I go, it is so fucking obvious Is this "Truth" a secret to anyone? Seriously... 

I am glad that I am slowly getting less attached to Ecstasy... it really is like a roller coaster. You achieve heaven, then you go back to hell. Then heaven and hell. Heaven and hell... I feel like what I most want is to care for people, listen to anything they want to share... You know... It is like the story of a man who was going to have a surgery and was going to lose his voice forever. He said: 

 

Quote

I think I have said enough. Maybe I should just listen...

 

Obviously, there must be a sweet spot between listening and talking. Passive listening can be great for healing the other person, but you got to be aware that it takes a lot of emotional labor to do so. If you  are unstable and someone is purging at you, you will either start giving random advices (as if someone needed that) or you will get stuck in your mind and become highly negative and judgemental in your mind. However... if you are feeling pretty well, you can do it! 

Hahahaha! I just remembered one thing. I was feeling so much love for Leo. Hahahaha!  Remember the mushroom video that Leo says he had more love for the pubic hair in his bathroom than a mother would have for her son? Yea... so I was feeling that... 

People are looking so beautiful ever since that trip... 

Dude!! Just remembered another thing: at one point during the trip, I looked at my feet. This thing is so FREAKING weird. Hahah you got no idea how weird your feet are. Jaja...  

Today, I had a lot of synchronicity experiences, but I know that the brain loves to make random connections 

 

8 hours ago, Heart of Space said:

Sorry guys, had a few drinks last night and transformed into a cu** for a minute.   Sorry about that, I'm entertained with myself at the time, but I'm always embarrassed the next day.

I know how you feel... It sucks... I feel the best thing is to consciously choose to block any low-quality thoughts, you know, as an mature ego defense mechanism. Life is too short to worry so much hehe. Anyway... your feedback was good actually hahaha