I Am Done With Life - Unexplainable Suffering, Burden Gets Bigger And Bigger

[Bebop]

22 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Yeah I cant find any rest right now. It is terrifying, I am tired as fuck. I dont want to go further, really. I am not ready, people in my age, my friends dont go through this, why do I have to? I have incredible low self-confidence. Everything does not feel right to me. And I am alone in this dark place. Nothing feels right to me now. Just an overwhelming agony. 

Feels like I am dead and I cant relate to anyone anymore. Not even love can now help me. Not even relaxation. I lie in my bed turning around thinking what's the point? Maybe I am not strong enough for this. Only people who have faith in themselves and spirituality can go through this, I have neither.

I went through a similar phase when I was around your age so you aren't alone there and in the end I had to make peace with the fact that there is no point to any of this. It was a bitter pill to swallow and it took me years to develop enough mindfulness and self inquiry to recognize that everything is perfect as it is, it might seem like hell for you right now but I promise that one day you'll look back at this and realize that this was a necessary part of your journey. You say you lack faith in yourself but that is just the false self talking, who you truly are is already perfect, it's up to you to realize that though. Trust in your own divine wisdom and you'll find the answers you are searching for, everything you need is already within you.

Also a note on therapy: It literally changed my life. I found my therapist after a trip to the emergency room after having a panic attack and at that point I was ready to end my life. I was confused, lacked self-confidence and didn't see a point to go on anymore. She showed me a way out though, by teaching me how to trust myself. It was emotionally difficult and there were many times I wanted to give up but she showed me what unconditional love is which eventually lead to an awakening experience that shifted my entire perspective on life. Love is always with you, even in your darkest times, I hope that one day you'll see this truth.

I also recommend watching this if you haven't seen it yet.

 

Edited October 5, 2017 by Bebop

[Joel3102]

I too have also been through horrible DP/DR. It really fucking sucks and is really underappreciated in the medical community.  I know it feels like it's impossible to recover while you're in DP/DR but it can go away with persistence. Plenty of people on the forums have recovered from it. I know while you're in the midst of it, it is so hard, but keep doing little things to distract yourself and calm yourself down to lessen the anxiety. Eventually it fades away without you even realising it. Also keep in mind the sharp distinction between DP/DR and enlightenment or ego death, they are not the same thing at all, quite the opposite in my experience. 

[Nadosa]

51 minutes ago, Joel3102 said:

I too have also been through horrible DP/DR. It really fucking sucks and is really underappreciated in the medical community.  I know it feels like it's impossible to recover while you're in DP/DR but it can go away with persistence. Plenty of people on the forums have recovered from it. I know while you're in the midst of it, it is so hard, but keep doing little things to distract yourself and calm yourself down to lessen the anxiety. Eventually it fades away without you even realising it. Also keep in mind the sharp distinction between DP/DR and enlightenment or ego death, they are not the same thing at all, quite the opposite in my experience. 

The thing is, I dont have DPDR anymore. I find life even worse after it. I have difficulties in regaining my life. I will somehow keep on "living". I have to trust myself a little bit more...

Edited October 5, 2017 by Nadosa

[Ranz Kafka]

@Nadosa You might try taking lots of long walks. They can perform miracles.

[Nadosa]

One question...Is suffering always caused by thinking? Worrying? What if? Can there be, even in the worst suffering, a moment of stillness? I feel like even if I am totally present, that there is suffering.

I wrote down my worries which causes me pain, and came to the conclusion, that they are mostly complete non-sense. But there seems to be something deeper than just thoughts. 

Edited October 5, 2017 by Nadosa

[ajasatya]

57 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

One question...Is suffering always caused by thinking? Worrying? What if?

no. only the optional suffering is caused by an untrained mind. but the optional suffering corresponds to at least 95% of our suffering anyway.

the other 5% are intrinsic to the nature of Life. we age, get sick and then we experience the process of dying.

[Source_Mystic]

@Nadosa I marked up all the problems you stated not to judge you but to show you that your body and mind are screaming that there is something very  wrong. I do not know if it was a trauma of some sort  or the onset of a mental illness. Ether way it is not your fault. Secondly trusting people here as qualified professionals is a mistake.  We can encourage and help you find options but that is about it.

My experience with suicide is such that I have known  two people that attempted it and one of them succeeded. I also worked at a shelter and crisis line for people like yourself. Even with that experience I am not qualified. People stop seeing options and feel trapped then they only see one option. Suicide is not the answer.  This way you are feeling is not a permanent state. I get you feel trapped frustrated depressed anxious and fearful. I completely understand you want instant change to make the pain stop.  The fact that you even posted here is a good thing it means you are still looking for options and you are asking for help.

People break when put under undue stress and when they do they all break in different ways you are human. Every person goes thought a emotional break of some kind in their  life we all break  differently But there is a way back.  You need to seek out help if you are dissatisfied with the people that are trying to help you.  Find others call a suicide prevention help line talk to someone that can get you the resources you need. Meditation is not meant to deal with this kind of crisis. You have options , maybe they are options you have not thought of but I assure you they are there.  If you can not see them then get other people involved  to help you find other alternatives that you can not see. Please call someone Immediately.  

 

On 10/1/2017 at 11:55 PM, Nadosa said:

Hi,

I already did some posts on here, since I think you're all pretty experienced.

I told you about my DPDR, my unexplainabale fear of time and my painful Depression.

Since August I've been in a dark place, I hard a painful (anxiety) attack because of suicidal thoughts. Since that day I cant look at the time without feeling like I should be already dead. I feel like something died in me. I feel like I shouldnt be here anymore. Constantly, the inner voice doesnt seem to quieten. I've worked so hard to quieten it, I intensified my exercises, went out for an intense run whenever those feelings occured.

From others, I know that it is common to be depressed after DPDR, but this is crazy. Exactly on the first day of the next month I have another exacerbation, yesterday was another. Since August I havent been able to sleep properly, I also look really really exhausted. My eyes are regularly red, because of the pressure. I have awful nightmares of psychiatric injections and that even this wont help me. I feel more trapped in this life from day to day. 

I know what it is like to have severe anxiety. But this is much worse, I cant imagine anything worse than where I am now. Since the feelings have gotten severe the last three weeks, I've done everything to at least give me a glimpse of hope. When I had severe anxiety, those glimpses were so useful!! NOW they just give nothing to me. I see no way out of this Chronophobia, I look at the date and I freak out, I shouldnt be here anymore. I feel terribly bad everytime I wake up, with palpitations, knowing that there is another number on the calendar. When I feel happy, my inner voice tells me "no, suffer". But I cant seem to just give a fuck, no I cant just continue my life like there wasnt anything wrong inside me.

The reason I write here is because I dont see a light, the last thing I wanted to do is being filled up with drugs by this pseudo science called psychiatry. Since August life has put my head in a noose and it just seems to tighten more and more.

I dont want to suffer, I want peace. I used to love life two months ago (!), but now I dont know what it is to have a "normal thinking mind". No matter where I am, I cant find comfort, nowhere. I seriously have no clue how I got into that misery, why I am so fucking sensitive because of a thing that is actually an illusion (time). I think my issue doesnt seem to be psychologically treatable because it is unexplainable, as much as DPDR was. 

I need an instant solution now, should I spend all my money for meditation in a dojo? I am ready to take action.

Life is now on a point where it gets unbearable, I see no point in putting any effort in my survival every day, every hour that passes feels like this noose in my head tightens. I hope for a miracle to happen.

 

btw. I am just in a major change of my life, done with school and today starting at university  (srsly dont want to go there, I am just too tired with living), few months ago I havent imagined the first Day to be this horrifying.

 

 

Edited November 15, 2017 by Source_Mystic