I Am Done With Life - Unexplainable Suffering, Burden Gets Bigger And Bigger

[Nadosa]

I have done nothing for myself so far apart from researching day after day since it has gotten worse the last weeks. Went to a psychiatrist yesterday.

I did a 10 days meditation practise - but I am not really patient and when I suffer I question if this is really helping. It actually seemed like it helped but the optimism was soon overtaken by the thought: "no matter how present you are, you will dive into this dark uncertainty of future anyway and then your perception of time will kill you, you will soon not know who you are anymore". And even if I'd be present, this time anxiety will still follow me because it is a fact and not a thought that can disappear in sometime. Maybe that's just my limited view right now. Man, my mind is pretty fucked.

 

I listened to nearly every Video by Eckhart Tolle, Osho, Alan Watts. I strongly believed in their wisdoms during anxiety, but now I constantly think nobody can help me if I cant even help myself. Maybe I should listen to more self-acceptance and love videos. 

 

I am under consistent stress, I didnt really have a break, I planned going on vaction, just doing things that make me happy, that put me into the present moment, like surfing and so on, but I wanted to keep working, I told myself that I didnt need a break. Every festival I've been to, everything was only a measure to distract myself from thoughts, not to actually enjoy it.

Well one month, namely July, this month was the root of how I feel now, I think. I was at home nearly every day, tried desperately to distract myself, to forget about DPDR and forget about my anxiety, because it has definitely left marks. But thoughts would persist, depressing thoughts. When I think back when I had this attack, a day before I imagined my future the way it would be, and I projected myself into the future, being severely depressed. That is basically how it all started, this spiral.

 

I think it is time to stop thinking and start doing...I spent the whole year worrying 24/7 until to this point. The main fact that causes me suffering is probably that I cannot accept what is. I am not happy with my current circumstances. I steadily feel resistance to what is, that I am there and I cant change how it is now. I could probably be much happier if I accepted that I have an odd sense of time, that I think that I am severely depressed or that there is something srsly wrong with me. But I am conditioned to resist.

I start university now, but I missed the first day, I just cant keep up with the pressure of it I guess, I dont know what to do. A life coach, a therapist RIGHT NOW would be precious. But I cant get an appointment at the time, just psychiatrists. I need to create a complete new self in order to overcome this intense crisis. I have fear that worries will overtake.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Nadosa

[Brimstone]

As you can see there are quite a few people here for you if you ever feel like lessening the load and getting stuff off your chest. 

If you are looking for some other material apart what you have looked at look up Mooji, he is on point. The book below by Adyashanti might be useful as well;

https://d1c742hwzmv7ke.cloudfront.net/library/The_Way_of_Liberation_Ebook.pdf

What they expound is that you just need to look within to find that peace, and by the sounds of what you are saying some of the realisations that you are having have you heading in the right direction. 

Regarding the future, how can you be so certain that you will end up depressed? Most people expect that they end up happy but end up depressed, so is it possible that you are one of the lucky ones who imagines the self becoming depressed but they actually end up happy?

The solution is inside you, and you are a lot closer to it than you think.

 

Edited October 3, 2017 by Brimstone

[ajasatya]

On 10/2/2017 at 1:55 AM, Nadosa said:

I see no way out of this Chronophobia, I look at the date and I freak out, I shouldnt be here anymore.

this is why Truth is so devastating. not being here is actually impossible.

welcome to Eternity.

[Nadosa]

I know the truth, but sometimes I wish I never had this knowledge. That I am just consciousness. I turned to spirituality, because I couldnt explain my suffering in a psychological way. That is why I put "unexplainable" in the title and why I feel so helpless.             I am torn between spirituality and psychology science. But in the end I just want a rational answer. I dont want my ego to die or so. Nevertheless I feel like there is no way to live with these thoughts anymore, they are so unbelievebly devastating, but I have fear to let go. What will happen? 

The strange thing is, that in a way, I can laugh or have fun. But it feels not right, because of the unconscious suffering.

I dwell much on awakening. But I feel resistance against this knowledge. I just wish I had someone I can talk to.

https://fractalenlightenment.com/28187/spirituality/7-signs-you-may-be-experiencing-a-dark-night-of-the-soul

"The weight of time is like a giant sitting on your shoulders."

God, maybe it is the dark night of the soul? I just dont seem to have another explanation for my suffering.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Nadosa

[Brimstone]

You got it @Nadosa

Practically speaking what you are going through appears to be a common theme among people your age, I know I went through it at that age, and speaking to many on the spiritual path, many went through it to. I would even go as far to say that those who appear to not be going through it are going through it as well. This is telling and what currently has me so fascinated is that what people in this age bracket go through is actually very akin to the "dark night of the soul" as you framed it. But where is the guidance to help people get through it? It doesn't exist largely which is so saddening as so many people end there life as a result.

Consider this if you want, although do not take it as gospel, as doing so actually defies the point. The reason people get so confused when they experience this is due to the fact that it is actually Truth banging on their door, calling loudly to wake up to True Self, yet through a life conditioned by external pleasures confusion reigns as you have 2 realities in direct conflict with each other, which no matter the age, will always confuse the mind as the conditioning is confronted by that which is unconditional, that which is Absolute.

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

That is why I put "unexplainable" in the title and why I feel so helpless. 

The crux of the Absolute is exactly that, there is nothing, it is void, which sounds daunting but in fact is the source of such a simple indefinable beauty that is at complete peace despite the at times ferocious nature of the storm. In other words it is unexplainable, and to try and do so will always fall short. The trick is that to truthfully and deeply realise this you have to leave absolutely everything at the bank to get across the other side, as any idea will actually weigh you down and see you fall short, including this idea. In a sense it is about surrendering completely to helpless, although that too falls short.

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

What will happen? 

Nothing that will harm you although you as you thought you existed ceases to exist as an idea. That is the beauty, you have die, to truly know life as it is.   Is that such a bad thing?

At the end of the day you are the only one that can realise this, with teachers and teachings only going so far.

Anyways, like I said don't take mine or anybodies word for it as to what you need, find it within yourself as your path, is already paved perfectly for you to find what you seek.

As I said above there are many here who will listen and be there for you, so if you need someone to talk to just come here and express whatever it is you feel like you need to express.

Big ups

Edited October 3, 2017 by Brimstone

[ajasatya]

3 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I am torn between spirituality and psychology science. But in the end I just want a rational answer.

then drop your laziness and train your mind to be present and accept Reality just the way it is already.

we grow out of the mud by cultivating the attitude of fixing our posture a bazillion times in a day. open your chest and watch your breath. self destructive thoughts will arise. then you observe them and fix your posture once more. walk with dignity throughout the day. allow the top of your head to touch the blue sky.

there is no freedom without discipline.

[Elisabeth]

@Nadosa  I wonder. I just learned about http://spiritualemergence.info/ . Maybe you could find a therapist there who's not ignorant to spirituality.   

Also from what you wrote, I get you don't want antidepressants, but maybe short-term sleep medication could indeed help. 

Edited October 4, 2017 by Elisabeth

[Nadosa]

Yeah I cant find any rest right now. It is terrifying, I am tired as fuck. I dont want to go further, really. I am not ready, people in my age, my friends dont go through this, why do I have to? I have incredible low self-confidence. Everything does not feel right to me. And I am alone in this dark place. Nothing feels right to me now. Just an overwhelming agony. 

Feels like I am dead and I cant relate to anyone anymore. Not even love can now help me. Not even relaxation. I lie in my bed turning around thinking what's the point? Maybe I am not strong enough for this. Only people who have faith in themselves and spirituality can go through this, I have neither.

Edited October 4, 2017 by Nadosa

[Brimstone]

You have friends here Nadosa. 

Is there anything that you do at the moment that makes you feel good? 

[Nadosa]

No. I just want rest, but I am restless. I am torn between: is this bullshit? Anxiety? Worry? Depression?

I just want to be anywhere but not here. Maybe I let hospitalize myself.

[Brimstone]

That is no good at all Nadosa. Depression is a painful ride.

Have you tried any relaxation techniques to try and slow down a little?

Is there anyone you can be with in your life that is in someway sympathetic? 

Did you look at the list that Elisabeth posed for therapists?

Edited October 4, 2017 by Brimstone

[Nadosa]

I live in Germany. There is nothing or no one that can help me right now, no therapist, nothing. I am just alone with nothing in my head but agony.

I should stop overthinking. 

It feels like facing the death with no returning point. I better swallow that pill.

What Do I do when I think I am helpless? I am to tired to meditate. To face this agony.

Edited October 4, 2017 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

I dont know. I am torn between going to psychiatry and just keep going. I have fear that killing myself is the only way out, man I rather have Trumps ego than going through this. I feel slightly depersonalized. 

Edited October 4, 2017 by Nadosa

[Elisabeth]

Whatever other methods you choose, start therapy. Therapists are not psychiatrist, they won't laugh at you and will attempt to help you with your specific problems. They can be great, not all of them, but mostly. Go call a therapist you can talk to in real life. Or ask a friend or relative to find you a therapist if you can't face making the call. 

http://www.psychotherapiesuche.de/pid/ersteschritte

http://www.senev.de/branchenverzeichnis/wpbdp_category/therapeutinnen

[Nadosa]

You are right. I have an appointment in 3 weeks. Dunno if I will actually do it until then.

[Elisabeth]

@Nadosa Thank you!

I'm sorry you have to wait three weeks. Unfortunately the system is like that. You can also try this for the moment http://www.telefonseelsorge.de/ , hopefully there is someone who can take the complexity of your problem. 

[Nadosa]

Thanks for your caring. It is unbelievebly difficult when everyone thinks you're insane and you cant even describe how you feel, without getting instantly hospitalized or described as crazy. I know I am not crazy. I live a healthy life. I am alive, breathing. But something in me is changing.

[Ranz Kafka]

@NadosaCongratulations! You can be very happy this is happening:)

Had pretty much the same 2 years ago, I am fucking glad it happened. 

One day after months of allready suffering, it was coming up again, heavily stabbing my stomach, I sat down straight, and said " Fuck it, let there be suffering......Come at me!!" I felt it rushing in freely, intensifying and                ......there was stillness and peace.

"There should be no suffering" is the root of all suffering. - Eckhart Tolle

[Nadosa]

...Sorry but happiness is the total opposite. It is like you died and arent really living anymore, that literally everything is pointless.

 

[Ranz Kafka]

@NadosaI am not saying it feels good to suffer, I am saying you can be excited, because you will come out as a much stronger person in the end!

And the only way to end the suffering, is to not resist it. Let the suffering happen. Once you truly accept it, once you embrace it, once you don't judge it/label it as bad: It will be gone in the blink of an eye.