I Am Done With Life - Unexplainable Suffering, Burden Gets Bigger And Bigger

[Nadosa]

Hi,

I already did some posts on here, since I think you're all pretty experienced.

I told you about my DPDR, my unexplainabale fear of time and my painful Depression.

Since August I've been in a dark place, I hard a painful (anxiety) attack because of suicidal thoughts. Since that day I cant look at the time without feeling like I should be already dead. I feel like something died in me. I feel like I shouldnt be here anymore. Constantly, the inner voice doesnt seem to quieten. I've worked so hard to quieten it, I intensified my exercises, went out for an intense run whenever those feelings occured.

From others, I know that it is common to be depressed after DPDR, but this is crazy. Exactly on the first day of the next month I have another exacerbation, yesterday was another. Since August I havent been able to sleep properly, I also look really really exhausted. My eyes are regularly red, because of the pressure. I have awful nightmares of psychiatric injections and that even this wont help me. I feel more trapped in this life from day to day. 

I know what it is like to have severe anxiety. But this is much worse, I cant imagine anything worse than where I am now. Since the feelings have gotten severe the last three weeks, I've done everything to at least give me a glimpse of hope. When I had severe anxiety, those glimpses were so useful!! NOW they just give nothing to me. I see no way out of this Chronophobia, I look at the date and I freak out, I shouldnt be here anymore. I feel terribly bad everytime I wake up, with palpitations, knowing that there is another number on the calendar. When I feel happy, my inner voice tells me "no, suffer". But I cant seem to just give a fuck, no I cant just continue my life like there wasnt anything wrong inside me.

The reason I write here is because I dont see a light, the last thing I wanted to do is being filled up with drugs by this pseudo science called psychiatry. Since August life has put my head in a noose and it just seems to tighten more and more.

I dont want to suffer, I want peace. I used to love life two months ago (!), but now I dont know what it is to have a "normal thinking mind". No matter where I am, I cant find comfort, nowhere. I seriously have no clue how I got into that misery, why I am so fucking sensitive because of a thing that is actually an illusion (time). I think my issue doesnt seem to be psychologically treatable because it is unexplainable, as much as DPDR was. 

I need an instant solution now, should I spend all my money for meditation in a dojo? I am ready to take action.

Life is now on a point where it gets unbearable, I see no point in putting any effort in my survival every day, every hour that passes feels like this noose in my head tightens. I hope for a miracle to happen.

 

btw. I am just in a major change of my life, done with school and today starting at university  (srsly dont want to go there, I am just too tired with living), few months ago I havent imagined the first Day to be this horrifying.

Edited October 2, 2017 by Nadosa

[Brimstone]

Only through pressure is a diamond created @Nadosa so hang in there and don't give up. You would be surprised how common depression and anxiety is amongst people around your age, so you are not alone. 

What sort of thoughts do you have when you are feeling anxious or depressed if you don't mind me asking?

As for tips to improve your general wellbeing excercise, healthy living, meditation and self enquiry are definitely useful.

And remind yourself, when things appear most dark, the sun will soon rise.

 

[Nadosa]

My thoughts are based on the past. Those suicidal thoughts traumatized me to the bone. I thought I'd die to suicide soon and since I didnt do it, I constantly get thoughts that I should have done it. These thoughts put me instantly in the past and since these automatic suicidal thoughts my time perception has been so odd. I cant even do something, even listening to music without having the thought that I should have died. This feeling is just unbearable and automatically creates an abnormal and doomed fear of the future, I feel like I will lose myself completely in future. I cant imagine future and past anymore, they dont seem logic to me anymore, just a big blurr. My mind is just completely worn out and in a constant fog, completely emotionally numb. I dont know who I am anymore.

Edited October 2, 2017 by Nadosa

[Richard Alpert]

What is youre diet and exercise regime?

If i were you the first thing i would do is detox, that could be the quickest help.

contact josh macin from detox dudes, hes a good dude or doctor morse or somebody.

[Nadosa]

I eat many fruits, oatflakes or eggs in the morning. Throughout the day magnesium rich food and in the evening I eat things I like, spaghetti or so. No sweets, no caffeine, just water.. 3-5l a day.

I do treadmill everyday 20mins until total exhaustion.

[WaveInTheOcean]

Listen to some Alan Watts. His wisdom and warm voice may calm you down. It may help you realize that it doesn't actually matter at all whether you kill yourself or not...... it's pointless to kill yourself and it's pointless to keep living,... so if everything is pointless, like i tell you, really, absolutely nothing that happens matters at all *except for those happenings you attach yourself to and apply your own constructed meaning (which by the way right now to a large degree is determined by society/culture/your parents, you're just not aware of it, so technically not your own meaning)* ... then why not just stop doing anything (including killing yourself, inlcuding being upset over your monkey-mind that won't quiet down, just let it do its thing man, don't be so upset over it) ?? I mean litterally... just stop everything you're doing and just watch what happens... when your body gets hungry, naturally the body will do what's nessecary to get food, when your body is tired, naturally it will sleep, when "the person" you think you are, but which is just an illusion, is sad, it will cry, and so on and so on. 

In other words, if everything is completely pointless and meaningless, including suicide and living, then why the hell not just stick around for a little longer and play the game of life? The tides could change, it could be more fun at some point. Since you're so low right now, it doesn't take much for you to get to a 'high', since a 'high' is only defined in contrast  to 'low'.

Since you obviously will die eventually (no matter what; either you kill yourself, you die of age, you die in an accident, or you die of a disease) why fear what's going to happen? Why not do something crazy? Don't be afraid to set your mark on the world, don't be afraid to follow your crazy dreams, don't be afraid that other will laugh of you, don't be afraid of failing, cos in the end; you will die, and all you did/didn't will not have mattered anyway, so don't be afraid man... there is litterally nothing to be afraid of. Of course if a tiger comes out of the woods, you will be afraid, but this is a natural reaction. Right now, you're afraid of unnatural, conceptually, ego-created, society-created reasons... throw those reasons away, they're not natural. 

Read my quote from Alan Watts in my signature, trust what he's saying is right, and then go search alan watts and youtube and begin listening to the old man. doesn't matter which video/speak you start with, everyone are golden.

Edited October 2, 2017 by WaveInTheOcean

[Nadosa]

I appreciate your help. But my brain just seems to be incapable of absorbing any kind of information or wisdom. I am confused to the bone, docs wanted to keep me in the hospital. I just sat there saying I cant explain how I feel. I just am. I am just empty. I feel nothing at all. I said I have fear of time. They kinda laughed.

I dont have plans for suicide. But now I am in a state where I dont know whats right or wrong, if I should swallow this pill prescribed from the doc or just continue. I have fear it will trigger DPDR again, and I am then not able to control myself.

 

[Tightrope Walker]

I think if you're gonna take some drugs better do some ayahuasca. In the jungle. With a shaman. Of course, do tons of research before doing it. And do it seriously. Who knows. Maybe you die. And Live to tell.

[Nadosa]

Dunno if this is really a good idea in my current state of mind.

[Brimstone]

13 hours ago, Nadosa said:

My thoughts are based on the past. Those suicidal thoughts traumatized me to the bone. I thought I'd die to suicide soon and since I didnt do it, I constantly get thoughts that I should have done it. These thoughts put me instantly in the past and since these automatic suicidal thoughts my time perception has been so odd. I cant even do something, even listening to music without having the thought that I should have died. This feeling is just unbearable and automatically creates an abnormal and doomed fear of the future, I feel like I will lose myself completely in future. I cant imagine future and past anymore, they dont seem logic to me anymore, just a big blurr. My mind is just completely worn out and in a constant fog, completely emotionally numb. I dont know who I am anymore.

Ending your life isn't the solution Nadosa, you know that which is why you didn't do it.

The problem is societies, not yours. There is no right of passage that explains and validates how you are feeling right now, that says it is ok to feel empty, it is ok to feel like there is no point, because in Truth there isn't, which is so soft and sincerely beautiful, it is beyond comprehension. Yet we are conditioned to think that there is a point, that we should fill our lives with this and that, and this is how we attain happiness. This is a false doctrine that leads to much pain and suffering, and why you can't accept what you are feeling. So in a sense you are actually getting a glimpse of Truth, which you have been conditioned to reject. 

To be perfectly honest, I don't have the answer for you, in fact no one does, as the only person that can dig their way out of this is you, with the benefits of doing so immense. 

Life is so precious Nadosa, and each breath a gift of immense beauty, try and hold onto that, and know that your suffering will pass if you hang in there.

Namaste

[Heart of Space]

Op, I get your hate of psychiatry, it's definitely partially, mostly, warranted.  Buuuut, but, but, you may actually need something at least temporarily to numb the psychological pain, anxiety, and depression so that you can start to create better habits and behaviors for yourself.  Consider getting on an anti-depressant.  Stay away from benzodiazepines like it's the black plague, find a therapist that you really like, and once the anti-depressant kicks in a works properly try to start introducing positive behavior patterns into your life.  Like meditation, exercise, eating healthy, finding meaningful loving relationships with others, and so on.  Trust me enough to at least consider this option, it may save your life.  Good luck, OP, please update us in the future on what you decide to do and how you are doing.  You're accountable to the people of this forum now.  

11 hours ago, Tightrope Walker said:

I think if you're gonna take some drugs better do some ayahuasca. In the jungle. With a shaman. Of course, do tons of research before doing it. And do it seriously. Who knows. Maybe you die. And Live to tell.

I wish there was negative reputation to give.  This is literally the worst advice I've ever heard.  Literally the opposite of what he needs. 

Edited October 3, 2017 by Heart of Space

[WaveInTheOcean]

yeah don't do pyschedelics if you have just a hint of suicidial thoughts man. that's too risky:)

[AxelK]

Psychiatry isn't psuedoscience. Go see someone, a psychiatrist or psychologist. If you get put on antidepressants or sleeping medication for a while to get you over this it wont be the end of the world. Do you even have personal experience with psychiatry? Your view of it seems to be built on old movie stereotypes, which is totally unwarranted.

[Nadosa]

There are several reasons why I am against antidepressants: experiences of friends, I dont want to be a zombie on meds with 19 years, I promised myself that I will never take meds when I had severe anxiety, and I know that Neuroleptica, or Antidepressiva could trigger my Depersonalisation again and that would mean to be totally emotionless. Furthermore meds could intensify suicidal thoughts...

I just wish I could break my conditioning, my endless belief that my destiny is to die soon. The doc said it could be OCD, but I worry so much because it does not get better in any way, I went for a run today like 14km. I only have seconds of glimpses of hope before everything is darkened again. It is not like that I dont want to live happily, 2 months ago I loved life. But now I seem so deeply stuck between past and a fearful future.

 

Appreciate your help. In the end it is only my battle.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Nadosa

[Heart of Space]

8 hours ago, Nadosa said:

There are several reasons why I am against antidepressants: experiences of friends, I dont want to be a zombie on meds with 19 years, I promised myself that I will never take meds when I had severe anxiety, and I know that Neuroleptica, or Antidepressiva could trigger my Depersonalisation again and that would mean to be totally emotionless. Furthermore meds could intensify suicidal thoughts...

I just wish I could break my conditioning, my endless belief that my destiny is to die soon. The doc said it could be OCD, but I worry so much because it does not get better in any way, I went for a run today like 14km. I only have seconds of glimpses of hope before everything is darkened again. It is not like that I dont want to live happily, 2 months ago I loved life. But now I seem so deeply stuck between past and a fearful future.

 

Appreciate your help. In the end it is only my battle.

It's your choice, bud.  If the meds work correctly, yes they kind of zombify you, but that's only a temporary numbing of your extreme negative psychological experience of life.  That allows you to take more action than you would have previously.  If you're really on the edge with the suicide stuff and you're not able to integrate better behaviors and patterns into your life because your too depressed they are an option that can help you get beyond that.  After a while you can simply get off them and stop being a zombie when you feel appropriate.  It can be a good option for people like you, but again it is your choice.  I just hope you're not irrationally shrugging this off as an option because it could really help you.  

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Is there a view your're holding, that you are aware of, that the misery roots in? Is there something you're worried about happening or not happening?  What is your sense of self? I want to help if I can. 

Edited October 3, 2017 by Nahm

[AxelK]

46 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

It's your choice, bud.  If the meds work correctly, yes they kind of zombify you, but that's only a temporary numbing of your extreme negative psychological experience of life.  That allows you to take more action than you would have previously.  If you're really on the edge with the suicide stuff and you're not able to integrate better behaviors and patterns into your life because your too depressed they are an option that can help you get beyond that.  After a while you can simply get off them and stop being a zombie when you feel appropriate.  It can be a good option for people like you, but again it is your choice.  I just hope you're not irrationally shrugging this off as an option because it could really help you.  

Exactly. They're not perfect, but if things are as bad as OP is saying i would give them a chance. If they don't make a difference you always have the option to quit.

Personally in the fall of 2015 i was so depressed and got put on AD's that made me like a zombie, but if i hadn't been given them i probably wouldn't be here right now. So they can have a good function when the circumstances are dire. 

And OP, no one is talking about 19 years, most people use them for a couple of months to a year to get over a bad period. It seems to me like you're thinking in a very black/white way. Just because you start doesnt mean you have to use them for the rest of your life. Also, just because you friends reacted like zombies doesnt mean you necessarily do. People have vastly different reactions to them.

 

Lastly, go see someone. Have you been to a therapist?

Edited October 3, 2017 by AxelK

[Nadosa]

47 minutes ago, AxelK said:

Exactly. They're not perfect, but if things are as bad as OP is saying i would give them a chance. If they don't make a difference you always have the option to quit.

Personally in the fall of 2015 i was so depressed and got put on AD's that made me like a zombie, but if i hadn't been given them i probably wouldn't be here right now. So they can have a good function when the circumstances are dire. 

Lastly, no one is talking about 19 years, most people use them for a couple of months to a year to get over a bad period. It seems to me like you're thinking in a very black/white way. Just because you start doesnt mean you have to use them for the rest of your life. Also, just because you friends reacted like zombies doesnt mean you necessarily do. People have vastly different reactions to them.

You got me a bit wrong... I am 19 years old and I dont want to take meds because no matter how bad I am, I want to stay as natural as I can, I just cant do that to my brain. I am young and my brain is still in a state of evolving. Moreover the fear of the sideffects is so overwhelming, if I'd take them, it would put me into a state of guilt, dont know why, but I would feel guilty.

When I'd have a plan for suicide, I would take them, I dont have one yet. I am just at a point where I figure out, if this life is still worth living.

Yeah in 3 weeks I am seeing a therapist. 

@Nahm Honestly, my perspective right now is unbelievebly limited. I can barerly get out of this perspective that I am destined to suffer and this is all my destiny. I dwell on destiny every day. I read so much spiritual stuff and I told myself, I will only get through this when my ego dies. I worried about all this stuff that my mind is in a state of irrationality, confusion, escapist.

Since I've had this terrifying attack because of the thoughts of future and that I kill myself if it gets unbearable, my sense of self is so hazy, I feel like I lost myself in time and that with time running forward, I will lose myself even more until I dont know myself anymore. Thats the reason I have a massive anxiety of time (sounds kinda funny, but it isn't at all)... This thought creates pain in me. But when I somehow get totally present, being fully aware of these thoughts, the pain dissolves, but as soon as I get unconscious about them, the suffering gets worse and worse. Last time I was in a state of consciousness was in mid-september, but I came to the (bad) conclusion that consciousness alone cannot be the only cure.

Since I've had this attack, I have a constant fear that I will kill myself accompanied with an intense agony.

But somtimes I ask myself: is this shit all a bluff, is this pain self-inflicted?  vs this "voice" in your head could be true, dont leave it alone"

I am worried because I recovered from anxiety by not believing my thoughts, but now it just seems like I cant stop listening to them and believing them. It is like I have the urge to suffer.

I just cant go on like this, I dont know what I am going through, but it is freaking scary and I am confused to the bone, because NO ONE can give me a rational answer to what I feel, not even me. It just feels like I should not be here anymore, everything seems odd, music, TV etc...

Edited October 3, 2017 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Sounds like you're stuck in the question 'what should I do about it' and I think you need to be questioning what you are willing to try. Have you seen a dr? Tried a medication? Tried Reiki? Listened to positive videos? Went on a retreat?     What have you done for yourself so far? 

[Richard Alpert]

17 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

You got me a bit wrong... I am 19 years old and I dont want to take meds because no matter how bad I am, I want to stay as natural as I can, I just cant do that to my brain. I am young and my brain is still in a state of evolving. Moreover the fear of the sideffects is so overwhelming, if I'd take them, it would put me into a state of guilt, dont know why, but I would feel guilty.

When I'd have a plan for suicide, I would take them, I dont have one yet. I am just at a point where I figure out, if this life is still worth living.

 

@Nahm Honestly, my perspective right now is unbelievebly limited. I can barerly get out of this perspective that I am destined to suffer and this is all my destiny. I dwell on destiny every day. I read so much spiritual stuff and I told myself, I will only get through this when my ego dies. I worried about all this stuff that my mind is in a state of irrationality, confusion, escapist.

Since I've had this terrifying attack because of the thoughts of future and that I kill myself if it gets unbearable, my sense of self is so hazy, I feel like I lost myself in time and that with time running forward, I will lose myself even more until I dont know myself anymore. Thats the reason I have a massive anxiety of time (sounds kinda funny, but it isn't at all)... This thought creates pain in me. But when I somehow get totally present, being fully aware of these thoughts, the pain dissolves, but as soon as I get unconscious about them, the suffering gets worse and worse. 

Since I've had this attack, I have a constant fear that I will kill myself accompanied with an intense agony.

But somtimes I ask myself: is this shit all a bluff, is this pain self-inflicted?  vs this "voice" in your head could be true, dont leave it alone"

I am worried because I recovered from anxiety by not believing my thoughts, but now it just seems like I cant stop listening to them and believing them. It is like I have the urge to suffer.

I just cant go on like this, I dont know what I am going through, but it is freaking scary and I am confused to the bone, because NO ONE can give me a rational answer to what I feel, not even me. It just feels like I should not be here anymore, everything seems odd, music, TV etc...

Just notice that there is no danger, really. It´s not like tiger and drug dealers are chasing you. You are not gonna die.

Dont play with suicide when you are 19. Nothing lasts in this world, everything is changing constantly.

If you feel like this 20 years from now, then you have my permission to cash out.

But, now try to relax a little bit and then try every method. (shrink, meds, etc.)