I Have Problems Accepting And Surrendering To The Present Moment

[Nadosa]

I have a great life, but my life situation is pretty hard. I am on a path of awakening, or at least growing into a new me and leaving my old me behind. But I have so much problems with accepting the present moment and just letting go. It just feels so unpleasant, I feel dumb not really knowing how to do it and so I am filled with a massive uncertainty throughout the day. I've given up my meditation routine after 10 days because I suffer from Depression that creates big frustration. When I focus on my breath, there is a intrusive feeling of frustration arising, I am constantly staring at a big fog in my mind and I keep questioning: what is the point?

I know how it feels to be present, but since a few weeks, this presence has subsided, and that's the reason I feel so frustrated during Meditation, that I basically dont feel like being present and being able to see for what these thoughts are.

The main factor that holds me back of accepting what is, is whenever I try to accept it, an unpleasent feeling of uncertainty arises, an uncertainty about who I really am, what my future will be like, why I cant find the truth (that thoughts are illusions), although I already had several realizations. I keep unconsciously reacting to thoughts and I instantly think "the truth is bullshit, look at your uncertainty". I literally feel the mind holding me back to be present with all its power. Will this uncertainty ever go away?

Furthermore, I feel like a big force from the past keeps having its grip on me, a force that doesnt want me to realize the truth.

My journey is really a rollercoaster.

I am open for every advice. Have a nice weekend!

Edited September 30, 2017 by Nadosa

[Natasha]

@Nadosa You got to surrender in order to let go. What I see here is a lot of though-stories and no direct experience. Mindfulness meditation and meditation with labeling might help. Also, Eckhart Tolle material on YT/ books - this info is quite basic and easily 'digestiable'.

You're on the right track. Keep it up!  

[Arman]

My suggestion is to surrender to parts of your experience at a time. You can surrender to certain lighter and less intense feelings, or thoughts, or anything you like. In my experience typically when we are unwilling to surrender something it is because we are still juicing an aspect of the experience/emotions that we're going through. We don't want to surrender it because at the being level we think it is dangerous or unproductive to do so. Is it possible that despite the suffering you are experiencing, part of you believes that it is safer/optimal/preferable, or in a distorted way more enjoyable to feel the way you are feeling?

To help uncover this, as best as you can, identify and give a label to the negative experience you are having (ie. stuck, confused, frustrated, contracted, etc) then take a few breaths and ask "Why is it safer to feel (label here) than to not feel it?" and see if anything wants to arise. 

Here is an alternate exercise: First think of an experience or alternative circumstance that you find preferable. For example maybe you are feeling like you can't decide what you want to do in life and it is causing you suffering. The preferred life experience would be "To know firmly what I want to do with my life."

Once you have identified the preferred experience, sit down and ask yourself "What bad thing would happen if firmly knew what I want to do in my life?" (obviously alter this to work with whatever you came up with, but keep the 'what bad thing would happen if' question) 

This may provide some insight into hidden emotional attachments or fears that we didn't know we necessarily had on certain subjects. Over time it becomes more clear why we are not willing to surrender to certain experiences, or unwilling to align with the experiences that at the conceptual level we thought we wanted. 

When we discover parts of ourselves that are 'holding on' or secretly wanting to stay in lower emotional experiences, then we can choose to release them bit by bit by allowing the discovery to be as it is without trying to 'fix it'. You can also hold the feeling in awareness then simply drop it and breathe it out. This helps to dissolve part of it and can be repeated over time until it is dissolved from consciousness. Trying to surrender 'everything' is neither necessary nor necessarily productive. It is great work to surrender simply to certain emotions or certain aspects of your experience. To be surrendered means to be okay with the experience without wanting to change it. To simply allow it to be. This helps the experience to unravel and unfold and become lighter over time, which makes _you_ lighter over time. 

It is not necessary to 'try so hard' when you are wanting to surrender. Can you just be yourself right now? For a few moments can you allow yourself to be without wanting to control, try so hard, or see if you are doing this right or wrong? 

If you are feeling like you want to surrender but find yourself frustrated and in pain, could you just be okay with the experience of not feeling like you can surrender? Can you surrender to that aspect alone? Over time these layers of resistance will dissolve and you will find you have the courage and ability to then surrender other aspects of your experience like deeper negative emotions that have been suppressed. 

Edited September 30, 2017 by Arman

[Nadosa]

47 minutes ago, Arman said:

My suggestion is to surrender to parts of your experience at a time. You can surrender to certain lighter and less intense feelings, or thoughts, or anything you like. In my experience typically when we are unwilling to surrender something it is because we are still juicing an aspect of the experience/emotions that we're going through. We don't want to surrender it because at the being level we think it is dangerous or unproductive to do so. Is it possible that despite the suffering you are experiencing, part of you believes that it is safer/optimal/preferable, or in a distorted way more enjoyable to feel the way you are feeling?

 

Totally, I feel like I should suffer otherwise something would be wrong with me, because, yeah I am just walking on thin ice and so I somehow am kind of "addicted" to suffering. Sounds stupid, but whenever I dont suffer I feel this uncertainty, and thoughts that I actually should be suffering popping up. This causes an intense feeling of being stuck. I just cant seem to find any comfort. Either I suffer (which to my mind always seems to be more plausible) or I am uncertain.

To let go of any control, for me, I have to concentrate a lot, but the sensations seem to get a bit lighter then. 

I always struggle with things like: "so now just let go. - No thats not right. - Just surrender. - How did I Do it last time? No I am doing it wrong! - Fuck, I just should stop focusing on the way how to Do that. - Ok too late, you fucked it up and now you're depressed again. Well done."

I consider myself a failure when I am in this suffer spiral again and then I spend hours to find the right way, the right meditation, to deal with it. I spend much time searching the right method but not really practise it.

Edited September 30, 2017 by Nadosa

[cirkussmile]

Give up and dive into the unknown. Yes, it's scary but you need to go there. In reality you don't know a thing so why would you want to be certain? That's just something to hold on to, which, of course, creates more suffering. 

You want to go beyond mind and experience silence but on the other hand you don't want to do the practice. This is where you are right now. 

Start meditating again and don't expect things to be clear after TEN days! This takes time so why are you in a rush? Just stop and continue with meditation 1 hour everyday. Do that for a couple of months and I guarantee you will see some difference in your perception. 

Much love <3

[Nadosa]

Yeah it is kind of contradictory, of course there is no quick fix for that. I need more patience.

But I struggle to give me the permission to truly let go, what I could do during my anxiety but now something just wont let me to let go whilst meditating.

[Ry4n]

@Nadosa well I use to have OCD so I know a thing or two about uncertainty ahaha. The truth is you will never be certain about anything, so quit chasing it. Learn to accept uncertainty and the uncertainty will bother you less over time. If you react to uncertainties in your head, it will counter-intuitively create more uncertainties.

I found surrender to be a process, you get better with it over time. Just let go of control. I wouldn't worry too much about being perfect at acceptance, all you need to do is allow emotional pain to be there and be mindful of it, meaning NOT JUDGING IT.

[WelcometoReality]

@Nadosa Everything you have told us are perfectly normal on the path. These realizations have caused all kinds of unconscious stuff to emerge which is great. It might not feel great. You might even feel like shit but no worries it will get better, it always does.

You might not feel like meditating or being present. Let yourself do whatever you feel like doing. Eventually you'll see that you are just delaying the inevitable.