Huge Insight About Thoughts Hiding In Plain View

[Emerald]

To give a bit of background, six years ago I had two artificially catalyzed enlightenment experiences, and I've been thirsting to "get back" ever since.

So, since around the time of my experiences (in fact right after my first experience), life has been giving me some real lemons. Prior to my experiences, I was really into personal development and I had ironclad willpower. I was on top of life and very successful with every endeavor that I undertook. But ever since my enlightenment experiences (which were not permanent) I have been in a constant struggle to just get my shit together. Trying to do personal development work used to be a breeze to me and super inspiring, but now it's like trying to lift 500 lb weights off my chest.

My life situation is just unstable enough to NOT be comfortable. I used to be on top of everything and now I'm a mediocre mom and a terrible 'just about everything else.' I function just enough to keep my head above water. So, a lot of my energy is spent trying to get life under control but it always goes right back to disarray. I use pleasant, interesting, or sexual fantasies to medicate and distract myself from the bleakness of life. I always attributed this to traumatic experiences that happened in and around the time of my experiences as well as my realization that I was striving for significance in my external endeavors. But I have been sooo wrong!

I just realized something HUGE! All of my life struggles, fantasies, and all of my inability to get my life under control are part of a meticulously crafted distraction mechanism created by the ego to keep me from unraveling it. It knows that I have seen through its illusion before and it doubled down to keep me from doing it again. This whole time I've been identifying with my thoughts and naively trusting that my thoughts have the same interests in enlightenment as I do.

I'm onto your game, ego! Your number is up!  

 

[Ayla]

@Emerald Wilkins  good

Now also try to also transcend the THOUGHT that you are a Person doing all that, including thinking.

There is no person there, except one that you/has been imagined upon you. Seeing through the veils of thoughts is a great step. Seeing that there is no person there "doing" them...is going one step further. You're on the right track. 

Everything you THINK, is a more or less pleasant illusion. On the other side, there's the real deal. When you are there, your life will be taken care of, not because it hasn't been until now, but your thoughts were too loud for you to be able to listen to what I call "whisper of Grace".

One more observation if I may: enligtenment does not "show up" as one of the ayahuasca experiences. It is not THAT at all. Those are, again, just experiences that come and go, as fantastic as they are. They just give you a bit of a glimpse of the "knowing".

And do not worry, you will KNOW it when you'll find it....it cannot be "missed" because it is you

 

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, Ayla said:

@Emerald Wilkins  good

Now also try to also transcend the THOUGHT that you are a Person doing all that, including thinking.

There is no person there, except one that you/has been imagined upon you. Seeing through the veils of thoughts is a great step. Seeing that there is no person there "doing" them...is going one step further. You're on the right track. 

Everything you THINK, is a more or less pleasant illusion. On the other side, there's the real deal. When you are there, your life will be taken care of, not because it hasn't been until now, but your thoughts were too loud for you to be able to listen to what I call "whisper of Grace".

One more observation if I may: enligtenment does not "show up" as one of the ayahuasca experiences. It is not THAT at all. Those are, again, just experiences that come and go, as fantastic as they are. They just give you a bit of a glimpse of the "knowing".

And do not worry, you will KNOW it when you'll find it....it cannot be "missed" because it is you

 

Thank you. Dis-identification with thought has been the most valuable advice that I've come across on the path thus far. I will be sure to put this into practice much more by really paying attention to it. With my experiences, I heard the 'whisper of grace' very clearly. The clarity and wisdom that came to me just sprung up from nowhere. It didn't come from something that I identified as me. It was this deep feeling that I knew everything that I needed to know as a human being; no more and no less. My cravings for seeking knowledge were reduced. Because my experiences were catalyzed by Ayahuasca and not permanent, I'm almost desperate to come home. It was like getting a small taste of the most delicious food in the universe and wanting more. 

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, Pinocchio said:

Another Jed gem: Trust and allow.

(I don't mean your thoughts, I mean what wants to happen)

I will do this. I've been warring against life for years. It's time to surrender. I need to stop wishing that I was somewhere else other than where I am. To try to find happiness in a future version of myself and my life, has been my biggest distraction. 

[Henri]

@Emerald Wilkins  Yes, surrender! The hidden key! So much misunderstood!

[Henri]

Quote:  

The main impediment of many seekers in the path is that they want to surrender. Don’t say that you want to surrender; know that you already are surrendered.

Wanting to surrender becomes an impediment on the path. This is like a child saying to the mother, ” I want to love you.” No child ever tells the mother,” I want to love you”, love is evident there.

Surrender is not an act, it is a state of your being. Whether you acknowledge it or not, it is there. The wise wake up and see, the unwise take a longer time.

Know that you have no choice, you are in a state of surrender deep within you.

 

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

[Emerald]

32 minutes ago, Henri said:

Quote:  

The main impediment of many seekers in the path is that they want to surrender. Don’t say that you want to surrender; know that you already are surrendered.

Wanting to surrender becomes an impediment on the path. This is like a child saying to the mother, ” I want to love you.” No child ever tells the mother,” I want to love you”, love is evident there.

Surrender is not an act, it is a state of your being. Whether you acknowledge it or not, it is there. The wise wake up and see, the unwise take a longer time.

Know that you have no choice, you are in a state of surrender deep within you.

 

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

This is a really great quote. Maybe I should try to really live the truth that I have no control over my thoughts and the circumstances of my life. Right now, the knowledge is only abstract. But getting in touch with surrender will help me detach from the obsessive thoughts of control and the negative emotions that accompany the lack of acceptance. 

[Azrael]

12 hours ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

I just realized something HUGE! All of my life struggles, fantasies, and all of my inability to get my life under control are part of a meticulously crafted distraction mechanism created by the ego to keep me from unraveling it.

@Emerald Wilkins such a deep post, thanks for sharing your wisdom. Since I went on my enlightenment journey a year ago I noticed a similar development. At first everything became better, I was more grounded, highly concentrated and relaxed and thought this enlightenment stuff is really working great with me.

What a trap.. As I delved deeper into it, did more work and made it my number one topic in my mind I noticed how my self-confidence would go, how I feel more unsure, how I have completely unpleasant and compulsive thoughts all the time. I had times in which I seriously doubted whether I'm mentally ill because of that. I just couldn't grasp it. It was too much.

What I then later realized (similar to you right now) is that this is just the purging process and your ego trying to hold onto itself. We are actually really trying to kill ourself mentally with this journey and your number one instinctive goal is not to die. So kind of a challenge, isn't it?

Now, this purging (letting the shit out of your system through thoughts) seems to come in phases (for me). So, right now you are probably very happy and enthusiastic to have this insight and that is perfectly fine. Actually, I would really encourage you to deeply sense how you feel right now and try to remember it.

Because in my experience this will just pass and you will feel even more up and down ... up and down as you did before. It's just the process. And I find it very helpful to know this and very deeply sense this realization if I feel shitty.

Thanks for your great story and good luck to you, Arik

[Emerald]

48 minutes ago, Arik said:

 

What I then later realized (similar to you right now) is that this is just the purging process and your ego trying to hold onto itself. We are actually really trying to kill ourself mentally with this journey and your number one instinctive goal is not to die. So kind of a challenge, isn't it?

Now, this purging (letting the shit out of your system through thoughts) seems to come in phases (for me). So, right now you are probably very happy and enthusiastic to have this insight and that is perfectly fine. Actually, I would really encourage you to deeply sense how you feel right now and try to remember it.

Because in my experience this will just pass and you will feel even more up and down ... up and down as you did before. It's just the process. And I find it very helpful to know this and very deeply sense this realization if I feel shitty.

Thanks for your great story and good luck to you, Arik

This is great advice. Those ego-traps are so effective that I've been stuck in this one for years and not even realized it. I will definitely keep the ups and downs in mind, and realize that they are often a sign of progress. Thank you for sharing  

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

I feel you... This comes dark peroids after self-inquiry for me aswell just like @Arik and they usually remain like that for a few days... or weeks. My last one was about a week ago. I had some free time becuse there was no school for two days so I decided to do self-inquiry for 3 hours that day, it pured my mind alot but it caused me to break up with my girlfriend aswell. But here comes the good news! After a dark period of letting go there usually comes a deep feeling of freedom, freedom from your own ignorance... and then you discover something new about you and the circle begins again.

Reminds me of a book I read a few months age called "Falling into grace" by Adyashanti. It does not talk about about some techniques but he talks alot about letting go of suffering, seeing things as they are etc. Good luck anyways!

[Emerald]

2 minutes ago, Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj said:

I feel you... This comes dark peroids after self-inquiry for me aswell just like @Arik and they usually remain like that for a few days... or weeks. My last one was about a week ago. I had some free time becuse there was no school for two days so I decided to do self-inquiry for 3 hours that day, it pured my mind alot but it caused me to break up with my girlfriend aswell. But here comes the good news! After a dark period of letting go there usually comes a deep feeling of freedom, freedom from your own ignorance... and then you discover something new about you and the circle begins again.

Reminds me of a book I read a few months age called "Falling into grace" by Adyashanti. It does not talk about about some techniques but he talks alot about letting go of suffering, seeing things as they are etc. Good luck anyways!

Thank you. I'll keep that book in mind for future reading. Learning to let go will be a challenge for me, but I'm sure that it will yield good results.   

[99th_monkey]

 Thoughts are a way of life arnt they?

[WelcometoReality]

14 hours ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

To give a bit of background, six years ago I had two artificially catalyzed enlightenment experiences, and I've been thirsting to "get back" ever since.

So, since around the time of my experiences (in fact right after my first experience), life has been giving me some real lemons. Prior to my experiences, I was really into personal development and I had ironclad willpower. I was on top of life and very successful with every endeavor that I undertook. But ever since my enlightenment experiences (which were not permanent) I have been in a constant struggle to just get my shit together. Trying to do personal development work used to be a breeze to me and super inspiring, but now it's like trying to lift 500 lb weights off my chest.

My life situation is just unstable enough to NOT be comfortable. I used to be on top of everything and now I'm a mediocre mom and a terrible 'just about everything else.' I function just enough to keep my head above water. So, a lot of my energy is spent trying to get life under control but it always goes right back to disarray. I use pleasant, interesting, or sexual fantasies to medicate and distract myself from the bleakness of life. I always attributed this to traumatic experiences that happened in and around the time of my experiences as well as my realization that I was striving for significance in my external endeavors. But I have been sooo wrong!

I just realized something HUGE! All of my life struggles, fantasies, and all of my inability to get my life under control are part of a meticulously crafted distraction mechanism created by the ego to keep me from unraveling it. It knows that I have seen through its illusion before and it doubled down to keep me from doing it again. This whole time I've been identifying with my thoughts and naively trusting that my thoughts have the same interests in enlightenment as I do.

I'm onto your game, ego! Your number is up!  

 

A great insight. Now when "struggle" arises, accept that it's there, don't try and resist it, but also don't bite onto it.