The "one" Thing Wrong In Life...

[SuperLuigi]

So, this is an interesting one.

I don't want to go into great personal details, but I have what many would consider a very good life. Good money, job, house, married to someone I get on great with and 2 cool cats

I practise meditation daily, exercise and do yoga daily and study foreign language daily.

So am quite "fulfilled".

So, interesting question now.

Why I suffer from EXTREME irritability? 

I mean, it is mainly with my partner.

But any little thing can trigger anything from a mean comemnt to full blown rage.

But I have ZERO problems or things to be mad about.

I hope you can help and hopefully don't judge too harshly I am here for answers

[Nahm]

@SuperLuigi You say you have nothing to be irritable about and that you are irritated. What happens that irritates you? Need examples.

[SuperLuigi]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@SuperLuigi You say you have nothing to be irritable about and that you are irritated. What happens that irritates you? Need examples.

Good point.

 

For example some breadcrumbs to be left on the kitchen counter. 

A plate to be stacked too loudly in the cupboard.

A glass of water to be drunk too loudly.

 

And other ridiculous things...

 

Also, motorbikes drive around loudly where I live and it makes me into a rage. 

[Elisabeth]

How long have you had this? Has anything changed in your life? (circumstances, medication, meditation... ) Have you had a parent exhibit similar behaviour? Do you hold strong beliefs about "how things should be", that are triggered by these minor deviations from the perfect? 

Just a few questions to ponder. 

Edited September 29, 2017 by Elisabeth

[SuperLuigi]

10 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

How long have you had this?

10 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

Has anything changed in your life?

- Since I can remember, maybe 10 years old (now late twenties).

- Yes, but only for the better! (no medication, meditation started a few months ago and circumstances are v good)

10 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

Have you had a parent exhibit similar behaviour?

- Alcoholic / abusive father, but I never think about that, it doesn't bother me. No contact in over 10 years. Not even mad. 

 

10 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

 Do you hold strong beliefs about "how things should be"

I suppose I must? I try to let go as much as possible using mindfulness techniques. But I guess not so effectively. 

[Brimstone]

@SuperLuigi how's Mario? 

Your expectations play a roll in your irritability, you expect the bench to be clean, you expect quiet when you are having quiet time. Why not try taking ownership about the things that make you irritable and do instead of react.

To me it feels like youare to focused to much on your own needs when you become irritable, and when they are not met you get angry.

Stop thinking about yourself first and think about what you can do to change what it is that makes you irritable. For example, if you notice crumbs in the bench, pick up the cloth and wipe them away. If you don't like the sound of plates being put away too loudly, then put the plates away at the same time and talk to your partner.

Being conditioned towards certain behaviour is hard to break, but it isn't impossible...

Edited September 29, 2017 by Brimstone

[SuperLuigi]

4 minutes ago, Brimstone said:

@SuperLuigi how's Mario? 

Your expectations play a roll in your irritability, you expect the bench to be clean, you expect quiet when you are having quiet time. You are to focused to much on your own needs when you become irritable, and when they are not met you get angry.

Stop thinking about yourself first and think about what you can do to change what it is that makes you irritable. For example, if you notice crumbs in the bench, pick up the cloth and wipe them away. If you don't like the sound of plates being put away too loudly, then put the plates away at the same time and talk to your partner.

Being conditioned towards certain behaviour is hard to break, but it isn't impossible...

I appreciate the advice.

When I see the crumbs, I think "why should I do it, they were the one that was lazy and couldn't be bothered".

I would appreciate any "re-programming" techniques you might know about to re-condition these responses.

Edited September 29, 2017 by SuperLuigi

[Brimstone]

@SuperLuigi just do it, that is the best way to reprogram. If it is someone else making the mess, say hey let's clean up this mess together.

Don't worry though we all get angry, although when I ask what can I do to change this situation instead of focusing on what you expect some one else to do, you will be presently surprised in the positive (re)action

Edited September 29, 2017 by Brimstone

[Forestluv]

@SuperLuigi I've had somewhat similar experiences.  Certain things grab my attention and drive me crazy and I can't let go of it. That restless kid two rows behind me in a movie theatre can captivate my attention, irritate me and ruin the whole goddamn movie.

I think it's a combination of not having control and OCD-like focus/attachment.

[SuperLuigi]

2 minutes ago, Shiva said:

@SuperLuigi Do you know that you would die if the earth's orbit changed by just a couple of centimeters?

Today in this universe everything went perfectly well. But someone left some breadcrumbs on the table... Oh what a terrible day...

You lost perspective! 

But don't worry, so do I all too often

Yes, unfortunately that doesn't help  In the heat of the moment, I struggle to think about perspective. Any tips are welcome.

[SuperLuigi]

I just want to say, I think this has been taking a bit too light-heatedly, I appreciate the advice so far, but this isn't just "getting annoyed", it's full-blown rage over insignificant things. 

I am troubled by this.

[HII]

A few questions, just for clarification:

Do you really not know why you become enraged?

What do you think you are trying to achieve with your rage?

Do you actually achieve that?

I think what Brimstone suggested - doing the things that bother you together with the people who you think could do them more in a way you think would be appropriate - is super valuable. I'd be really curious how things would go if you tried this.

 

[Nahm]

@SuperLuigi thanks.  I think those are triggers.   What is it that you are not liking about your vision of your future. I think that's where the bridge to resolve starts. When you get that good, it doesn't matter much what people are doing, or how loud they're doing it. 

[dorg]

7 hours ago, SuperLuigi said:

But any little thing can trigger anything from a mean comemnt to full blown rage.

But I have ZERO problems or things to be mad about.

These two lines do not add up. You are not acknowledging that there are some things that make you upset/emotional on the irritable to rage scale. It makes no difference how big/small they are - you are just plain not acknowledging them.

Become aware of them, look at them, acknowledge them and they will sooner or later disappear.

[Emerald]

9 hours ago, SuperLuigi said:

So, this is an interesting one.

I don't want to go into great personal details, but I have what many would consider a very good life. Good money, job, house, married to someone I get on great with and 2 cool cats

I practise meditation daily, exercise and do yoga daily and study foreign language daily.

So am quite "fulfilled".

So, interesting question now.

Why I suffer from EXTREME irritability? 

I mean, it is mainly with my partner.

But any little thing can trigger anything from a mean comemnt to full blown rage.

But I have ZERO problems or things to be mad about.

I hope you can help and hopefully don't judge too harshly I am here for answers

My husband has the same problem. He's a good person, and he's a really loving and dependable father and husband. He would give his right arm for his family. And he works so hard. But he is very critical of me and blows up in fits of rage multiple times a day at me and everything else. And it doesn't take much to make him blow up. He's wired to perceive anything as an attack. I can ask him an innocent question like, "What did you buy at the store?" And his mind will automatically interpret it as, "I bet you didn't get the right things at the store you idiot loser asshole. Go die in a ditch!" So, he's always on the defensive because he feels attacked by me and everything else. And this is not because I actually attack him. I do my best to walk on eggshells as to not set off that reaction... which is really not good for me. I shouldn't have to do that. But that's just a side note. It's just that the world is full of imaginary boogie men for him that he just can't handle. And I'm boogie man number one because I'm his significant other.

So he has a lot of anxiety and low self esteem that results in a really bad anger problem. It used to be much worse three years ago to the point where I thought of leaving him. Which is really serious since we have children together and it is my number one priority to give them a loving and stable home with both parents. So, I'm glad that since that time he has been really trying to work on himself and figure why he is the way he is and to work this issue out. So, it got a lot better, even though it's still really bad.

Some of the revelations that he's had in the past few years, is that he is constantly anxious. This is because his childhood was very rough. He grew up poor in Hungary. And he and his sister were raised by his mother who had a terrible issue with anxiety herself. This resulted in her abusing alcohol to the point where she would pass out every day. So, he had to take care of his mother as a child instead of the opposite. His father was mostly absent except for when he came around to take money from his mother which created even greater darkness and instability. His sister also had issues with alcoholism and anxiety and would go missing for days. His mother was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when he was 14, and she was suicidal because of her delusions. He just lived a very dismal life that was in constant threat of upheaval. So, when he came to America at age 23, he completely left his old broken down self behind and he adopted a very strong work ethic and rigid standards for himself to abide by. And if he fails to meet these high standards this also causes him to go into fits of panic and rage.

He also suspects that he incurred some serious early childhood trauma that he doesn't remember. His fits of rage are essentially like a two year old's temper tantrums... except in a 40 year old. He feels anxious and out of control, so he unconsciously attempts to get control of reality through aggression and anger and nit-picking every detail of me... since I'm the person that he most associates with himself. So, it's like part of himself got repressed away when he was a toddler and never grew up. And now it gets triggered any time it perceives that he needs to protect himself against any perceptions of threat... which to a two year old, everything adult looks threatening. It's too much for him to handle emotionally even the most basic of adult activities without being completely overwhelmed by frustration and anger. He pushes himself into things anyway and it really grinds him down every day. He looks very high functioning from the outside. But part of him is really just a toddler doing his best to pretend like it's an adult.

I don't know if this describes you in any way. But my husband is definitely dealing with the same issue. So, I figured that I should share. Does this ring true to you?

Edited September 29, 2017 by Emerald

[Emerald]

5 hours ago, SuperLuigi said:

- Alcoholic / abusive father, but I never think about that, it doesn't bother me. No contact in over 10 years. Not even mad.

My husband used to hold this belief about his past too until he started looking into it. He thought that he had completely "fixed" himself when he came to America and learned how to be high functioning and productive. And he still thinks that he has no anger toward his parents. They're not alive anymore. But I've noticed that in his interactions with his sister who "messes up" a lot because of her anxiety and alcohol addiction... there is never an ounce of anger or criticism that he shows toward her... even when it is at Richard's expense. I can look at him the wrong way and get verbally torn up and half the dishes will be broken. But his sister can take his money that he gives her for food and spend it on booze and all he feels is a deep sense of guilt and responsibility. It's clear that he feels powerless in the situation. The same can be seen in how he speaks of his parents. But I suspect that he is very angry at them deep down, but that he doesn't want to admit it because it would be painful.

[SFRL]

@SuperLuigi you probably got a strong fight or flight mechanism. 

[SuperLuigi]

@Emerald thankyou for sharing such a personal story, some of these points sound very familiar, I think mindfulness and a good meditation practise are appropriate for both him and I.

 

@SFRL Yep. You hit the nail on the head there.

 

After a lot of research I actually think I have a "condition" called Misophonia, wiki description: Misophonia, literally "hatred of sound", was proposed in 2000 as a condition in which negative emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions are triggered by specific sounds. It is also called "select sound sensitivity syndrome" and "sound-rage".

 

I'm not sure how to cure that but I really appreciate the advice from everyone and Emerald sharing her story, I hope she can get him some help also. 

[Leo Gura]

@SuperLuigi Hehe... This is not just you, this is the general case with all materialistic (conditional) happiness.

You think you're happy, but actually all you've done is constructed a cozy nest for yourself. As soon as your nest is disturbed (with breadcrumbs of whatever), you are forced to face the bitter reality that you haven't cultivated any REAL capacity for happiness AT ALL! It's all a house of cards! Of course this makes you pissed off, because it shatters your fantasy land illusion.

You haven't yet become conscious of just how much you suffer and just little progress you've made towards true (unconditional) happiness. This isn't really your fault. It's the case for 99.9% of people. That's the results of unconscious living. Our culture leads us to confuse success with happiness, but the fact is, success is orthogonal to happiness, and often a huge distraction and energy sink.

See my videos about The Happiness Spectrum, What Is Happiness, Fake vs True Growth, and Successful People Are Not Happy.

What you're missing in life, but don't fully realize it yet, is spirituality.

True happiness is when you're happy regardless of what happens with your nest. No matter how good of a nest-builder you are, in the end, it will get fucked with.

The good news is, there's only one thing wrong in life.

The bad news is, it's YOU and your entire way of being, rotted all the way down to the deepest foundation.

[SuperLuigi]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@SuperLuigi Hehe... This is not just you, this is the general condition all materialistic (conditional) happiness.

You think you're happy, but actually all you've done is constructed a cozy nest for yourself. As soon as your nest is disturb (with breadcrumbs of whatever), you are forced to face the bitter reality that you haven't cultivated any REAL capacity for happiness AT ALL! It's all a house of cards! Of course this makes you pissed off, because it shatters your fantasy land illusion.

You haven't yet become conscious of just how much you suffer and just little progress you've made towards true (unconditional) happiness. This isn't really your fault. It's the case for 99.9% of people. That's the results of unconscious living. Our culture leads us to confuse success with happiness, but the fact is, success is orthogonal to happiness, and often a huge distraction and energy sink.

See my videos about The Happiness Spectrum, What Is Happiness, Fake vs True Growth, and Successful People Are Not Happy.

What you're missing in life, but don't fully realize it yet, is spirituality.

Thanks Leo. That is hard to read and difficult news, but I'm looking forward to the journey for something a bit more real! I have watched all of those videos but admittedly only once. I will re-watch them and make some serious notes. Thank you.