Chronic Seriousness

[Marinus]

How do you deal with chronic seriousness? I don't like being vulnerable and this is, because I always cried up to the age of 12. Since high school I suppressed my feelings and became very serious and stiff, I vowed to never cry again. I denied my sensitive nature and behaved inauthentic. I was bullied in high-school for my stiff walking which I think is the cause of suppressing my feeling. Of course I suppressed the feelings when bullied and appeared very serious and made out of steel. I got the nickname terminator.

The bullying  gave me a greater dislike for people, mainly males, because I was in a male only class. People around me notice me being too serious and told me about it. It even gave me a reputation at my next school and I appeared like the best student of class (which I was not). I didn't really had a girlfriend, because I'm very idealistic and detect faults and strengths in people. The faults get priority and this prevents me from making friends.

I have a childlike side to me. The playful side buried underneath the steel floor. I like this side a lot and I think it's also very attractive, but it rarely comes up, sometimes when I'm with my true friends or when I'm in the flow. I noticed that when I like a girl, I get into this state of being, but I don't know how I do this or how I can get into this playful state of being. I also isolate myself a lot which doesn't help of course, but finding people I like is one of the hardest things in my life. I also don't really have a sense of belonging, except when I was a child, I used to be the leader of a group of friends and this felt good.

I'm kind of scared of going down the same road, so I really appreciate the ideas you can share with me. 

[mathieu]

@Marinus sounds like we're on the same page. Extremely sensitive people end up with going into solitude most of the time. I think it was because it was hard to appear "normal" in social situations. You always feel people's intentions, their emotions and motives, always assessing them, like there's so much extra info that you keep of processing, like staring at little details or like being easily affected by emotional movies are somewhat not normal or just ignored by most of them. A common experience for me is when I find something that ignites my laughter because a thing is so intriguing, but I always find it not normal to laugh at these things, because people don't get it. I was always afraid to be dismissed as dumb or a little kid.

But know that this is a strength. Try reading this book called Discover your purpose by Rhys Thomas. might help understand your nature.

[Marinus]

@mathieu Wow, I feel exactly the same. I'm very emphatic and I'm very aware about others around me and I can read them like a book. I have the same thing with enjoying something in public or with people around. I don't allow myself to fully enjoy and I punish myself for it in my mind and keep myself tight up. I recommend you to watch that video above your comment, it helped me to become aware of my ''Over Seriousness''.

@Mad Max Thank you so much! I saw the video and I realized that I'm very immature about my own feelings and I that I have a low EQ (about the aspect of my feelings) which is a hard pill to swallow. I resonated with what the coach told. In my case, I take things to literally and perceive some things as personal attacks, like  jokes.

Last week I had a situation that made me appear awkward (which happened a lot in the past). It was a photo I made with some peers from my new class. In the background was a poster of Ben & Jerry's (Ice cream) and the teacher asked me what it was about (because I looked funny and I wanted to take the lead). I said ''It's B&J'' she asked ''yeas, but what is it?'' me ''It's Ice'' everybody laughed and normally I would take this personal, but fortunately this time I was glad to make the class laugh.

I think this is a huge roadblock and I'm going to do some personal development work on this aspect of myself, but I won't take it to serious .

[Leo Gura]

@Marinus That's gonna be tough to unwire without some psychedelics. They are the perfect tool for the job.

I'd go to a music festival and let loose with some LSD if I were you.

[mathieu]

32 minutes ago, Marinus said:

@mathieu Wow, I feel exactly the same. I'm very emphatic and I'm very aware about others around me and I can read them like a book

yeah, exactly like a book. sometimes, i just avoid eye contact with people, because theyre so obvious like they fake who they are. i hate to see it. lol

[Marinus]

@mathieu Me too, but since I started with this journey, I realize more and more that they are only deceiving themselves and that they are on the same boat as use, but only in a different cabin. Some people talk and talk to cover their authentic self and someone like me restrains their authentic self. If you look at it like that, then we aren't that different.

@Leo Gura Since you introduced psychedelics in your videos I shifted my paradigm (because I had the same paradigm about drugs as many others). I'm open to such experiences, but I have a question. Is something like LSD safe to use when you are alone, or do you recommend a wing man? I myself am very careful so if you can do something like that alone then I'll be fine.

[vizual]

@Marinus  It is because deep down you fear rejection. You experienced being rejected by people and as a defense mechanism you decided to put up a shield. If that "persona" gets rejected it doesn't hurt that much because what you perceive to be the real you is hiding safely behind that shield. The persona makes you feel safe, but it doesn't satisfy you spiritually.

Keeping up that shield takes a lot of energy, so you resent people since they are the reason you are using excess energy. It is in our nature to preserve energy. Other people don't seem to have such a rigid shield as yours, and you do not like that instinctually. 

You are very picky about the people you let in, you are very judgmental about their "faults". Because when you do let someone in behind your shield, you want to make sure that person is "safe" to your true self.

[Leo Gura]

@Marinus I've only ever tripped alone. And I've never even come close to any kind of danger or physical harm.

You need to do research and follow proper protocol for taking these substances. But if you do, you'll be 99.9% fine.

If you do something stupid like eat a thumbprint of LSD blotters, then you'll be in hell. But that's only because you were arrogant and didn't follow protocol.

[Richard Alpert]

21 hours ago, Marinus said:

@mathieu Me too, but since I started with this journey, I realize more and more that they are only deceiving themselves and that they are on the same boat as use, but only in a different cabin. Some people talk and talk to cover their authentic self and someone like me restrains their authentic self. If you look at it like that, then we aren't that different.

@Leo Gura Since you introduced psychedelics in your videos I shifted my paradigm (because I had the same paradigm about drugs as many others). I'm open to such experiences, but I have a question. Is something like LSD safe to use when you are alone, or do you recommend a wing man? I myself am very careful so if you can do something like that alone then I'll be fine.

I would do and have done them alone always. I dont know what the threath could be as long as you dont take too high dose. Just make sure you buy legit stuff, not from some dealer in the street

 

[Nahm]

@Marinus 2g shroom tea once a month