Scared Of Success

[Psyche_92]

Hello,

i'm almost certain that i either am scared of success, or that i'm having serious self doubt.

I've been doing the LP course for some time now, and at the moment i'm at the life purpose exercises. 
During the course i've got some good epiphany's that resonate with me, but i'm always doubting myself as if it's possible for me or not. This is not new to me, since i'm always doubting my ability to do things, only to find out later that i'm capable of a lot more than i thought i was. With this in mind, i'm still not able to take the right actions in life because something is holding me back. It's like i'm feeling not worthy of having a passion in life, or either not worthy of success. Something in between those two.

How can i get to the root of this?
I've been bullied a big chunk of my teenage years, and i feel like something in me has not recovered from it yet, which leads to this.

[Soulbass]

It may come from a family value, which doesn't allow success.

"If you are successful, it would mean you have betrayed us".

To solve this in the subconscious, you can deceive once for all your family.

Example : thanksgiving dinner, you arrive late, and you were supposed to pick someone up on the way (who's waiting for hours in the train-station) and you totally forget it, it's a mess and you gives no excuses...

[Brimstone]

You already are successful @Psyche_92

Each breath you take is a symphony of achievement.

Do not worry about self doubt as it is a tremendous gift that opens you up to question your-self, which is a success-full attitude. 

Keep questioning, and keep doing what you are doing, you have every reason to be proud of your achievements.

[Forestluv]

@Psyche_92 I've done a lot of work on this. I've written a lot wrote about and discussed with others fear of failure and success.

From 18-22 years old I was acting out all my beliefs of how I "wasn't good enough". In particular, education was a measure of success for me. Yet, I failed out, flunked out and got kicked out of several academic institutions. At 22, I returned to a community college and built a network of friends that did not party and were achieving stuff in life. I found a couple "study buddies" and learned how to study for hours straight. My confidence was so low, that I was planning to stop after an Associate Degree. Yet, a professor found out and pulled me aside. She told me she had been teaching for over 30 years and I am one of those that have an aptitude for academics. She told me if I continued in academia I would make meaningful contributions. I could not see this "aptitude" in myself, but I trusted her and continued on. I've never forgotten that moment and occasionally reflect on it. That moment set me in the direction of becoming a professor myself.

In spite of my success, there was always a background fear and insecurity. In graduate school, I felt like an "imposter". I often felt like one day they would figure out who I "really" was and say "wtf, how did you get accepted?". Then, kick me out.

A few things I've learned that has helped overcome this:

1) When I was a boy, I often heard from teachers and parents about how much "potential" I had, yet I didn't apply myself. I still remember sitting at parent : teacher meetings with them discussing how I was gifted and how much potential I had. Yet, how disappointing it was that I wasn't applying myself and using it. Part of my identity became : I am somehow gifted, yet a disappointment and will fail. This identity was acted out and reinforced as I repeatedly failed in college. Living my identity: I am somehow gifted and should be in college, yet I am a disappointment and will fail. Teachers and parents were disappointed in me as I lived my life script.

2) I had a bad tendency of comparing myself to more highly-skilled workers - generally those further along the path than me. For example, as a graduate student I compared myself to postdoctoral researchers even though they had four more years of education and training. I was not as good as them, I could not succeed. This created barriers.

3) I had a tendency of creating ambiguous and unattainable standards of "success". For example: This year, success means getting straight A's, publishing two papers and speaking at an international conference. Well, I did all that in the year, yet only published one paper. Not good enough. I failed. As well, if I was not at the "Top", I was not a success. For example, being an Olympian is a tremendous achievement. Yet for me, being an average Olympian without a medal meant failure. I eventually let this go. I started to create "easy goals", "reasonable goals" and "dream goals". I had small successes and learned to accept them as success.

4) Success to me does not mean being good at everything. I totally suck at remembering facts and details, yet I am extremely good at creating concepts, models, hypothesis and predictions with information presented to me. I've learned to minimize the impact of my deficiencies and leverage my strengths.

5) I had a belief that success or failure was individual. I would do everything independently, never ask for help and all success or failure was attributed to me. I took a class in Kinesiolgy and failed the first exam. I was devastated. Thoughts that I "wasn't good enough" returned and I considered withdrawing from the course.  I feared this meant I would fail out of college once again. I mentioned this to a friend and he asked "Why don't you just use one of their tutors? It's early in the semester, you could still get a B or higher with *some help*".  Asking for help didn't occur to me. I recoiled at the suggestion. I told him "Seeing a tutor would mean I couldn't do it myself and I failed". My friend replied "Who the fuck told you that and why do you believe it?". Ahhh, I got that belief from my parents. With that belief, I could always take full credit for success or failure. Yet, what if I saw a tutor and got an "A" in the course? People would be so impressed with how I overcame adversity. Yet, I would know that's a lie. It was a result of me AND others and I couldn't take credit. If I got an "F" on my own, that's MY "F", I own it. I realized if I was to be "successful" it would be through working within groups and I would never be able to take credit for it. I didn't like this deal at all. Yet, I finally agreed to it. I got a Kinesiology tutor, and a chemistry tutor, physics tutor, English tutor. I started hanging out at teacher's office hours. Before I knew it, I was a tutor. Then a teacher. Then a professor. There were times I wanted to break that deal. Fear and greed tempted me to be territorial or take something. If I share, he will take it and I will lose out. Yet, I've always honored that deal because deep down I know I'll get an "F" on my own. As a result am not competitive. I don't strive for the big money grants, keynote talks, the leader on projects, big titles and accolades. I'm a relatively unknown player. In basketball terms, I am one of the best "6th man" in the business. I come off the bench at critical times to provide a "spark" and to make others around me better. The stars get all the credit. I know my role and happy with it. I used to believe that I needed to be the "Star" to be successful. Yet, I realized all I really want is to participate in the Big Show, The Big dance.

Edited September 29, 2017 by Serotoninluv

[Girzo]

For me it's not a fear of success. It's simply a fear of taking up a challange and failing at it. Failure is what you try to avoid, but you need to understand that without the possibility of failure there is no possibility for success.

Just do and don't think too much about this. All that fear is created by you and you need to know that you can control it, it just takes some effort and patience. Fear is not something that comes from the outside world, it's an inner reaction to certain things and it's in your power to choose how that reaction looks like.

[Saarah]

@Psyche_92 I think you'd find affirmations helpful, ones that challenge your assumption of being unworthy of your passion in life. Your teachers words may not have been enough because you probably still have beleifs about why they're wrong, so challenge those using affirmations. 

I also agree with Girzo, you probably are scared of failure too. Change your definition of failure, see every failure as a learning curve, that way there's only success no matter what you get. Failures are always showing you the way, you might like this quote which I just came across myself funnily enough

"Great ones are willing to get burned time and again as they sharpen their swords in the fire" 

You learn the most when you fail, look forward to it!!