Psychosis Vs. Spiritual Awakening

[zenjen]

Something interesting happened after my first deep insight: I could no longer sleep and asked my mother to take me to the hospital. I was diagnosed with severe recurring depression and started treatment for psychosis while in a mental facility for a week. I truly felt that I needed to do this, so I wasn't afraid of spending time there even though I had no idea what to expect. It actually wasn't all that bad in my opinion. This episode has me contemplating whether or not there is a fine line between spiritual experience and psychosis. I did not experience hallucinations, but I was in a considered delusional state. Looking at it now, I'm pretty sure I enduced a manic state based on an insight. This has never happened to me before and now I'm afraid be off of the medication given to me. Has anyone else heard of something like this happening? Everyone else on here seems to be into psychedelics to become spiritual, did I take a backwards approach because I'm now taking anti-psychotics?

[phoenix666]

on my most powerful shroom trip, which happened to be the most terrifying and the most wonderful at the same time, I had a bone shattering fear of going crazy. I could see my thoughts becoming insane, getting all the symptoms of an actual psychosis. I had a very strong resistance to it and it was the most terrifying moment in my life. I thought I would never be what is considered 'normal' again and was so afraid of judgement. as soon as I surrendered to it, literally embraced that insanity, it evolved to one of my most wonderful moments in my life.

I think there must be a connection between spiritual awakenings/insights and what modern medicine classifies as 'psychiatric disorders' ..

I just found those interesting articles:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201507/is-it-psychosis-or-spiritual-emergency

https://beyondmeds.com/2011/01/05/psychosisspiritualexp/

Edited September 28, 2017 by phoenix666

[zenjen]

@phoenix666 in the back of your mind could you can rest on the thought that it was a trip that would come to an end sometime?

I thought I would die if I fell asleep on my own, and the fact that I wasn't on any drugs made it seem more terrifying

[phoenix666]

@zenjen no, I was completely convinced that I would be trapped in that insanity forever. I mostly knew that I was on a trip, but that didn't matter. I guess it was because 'being different' has always been my biggest fear. I've always felt like there was something wrong with me and that thought made me so afraid, that I always tried to ignore it. the shrooms smashed it into my face and I suffered until I was able to surrender to it.

but I can see that it's a very different situation, because the symptoms in fact vanished as soon as I came down from the trip.  

I just think that the special situation you're in could potentially be a stepping stone for real growth. so don't think that there is something wrong with you <3

[zenjen]

@phoenix666 thank you, I really appreciate that. <3 When I was admitted to the hospital I told my whole story truthfully to a worker there. At the end I held her hand and started to cry and I remember asking her "do you think I'm insane?" she said "no" with tears in her eyes

[phoenix666]

@zenjen be gentle with yourself, I wish you all the best on your path <3

[Principium Nexus]

In the end sanity is about being at peace, not specifcally about if you do things normal because I think most society is actually pretty insane. I see a  lot of destructive/non-grounded behaviour so being "normal" doesn't say anything.

The question is, can you truely embrace who you are? Stop hating your "flaws", these are only ideas that don't help you further.

In some sense I think psychosis or any other mental condtition is the constant fight against the self. Where as enlightenement also had some very frightening characteristics, like ego death, detachment of self, time, etc, but they don't fight. They love anything that enters their perception and that keeps them sane. 

[zenjen]

@Principium Nexus good question about embracing my flaws. Maybe I'm not quite ready yet to totally do that. I don't believe I'm insane, but I'm afraid I might seem that way to others.

I think the psych meds will help me as a temporary fix until I can recover my body. My diet, exercise, and sleep schedule have been trash for a long time and I think it contributed largely to throwing me off balance. I naturally have a seemingly athletic build, and Ive never been told by a physician to change my diet or exercise. But how would they know all I eat is junk? My physical tests all come back ok (probably also helps that I'm young, 22 years old). Seems kinda like how crazy "normal" behaviors go undiagnosed in the realm of psychology. Anyway, once I get grounded in a healthier routine I think I will gain more confidence to embrace myself and eventually come off of the medication. After all, it's better than commiting suicide.

Edited September 28, 2017 by zenjen

[Elisabeth]

5 hours ago, zenjen said:

This episode has me contemplating whether or not there is a fine line between spiritual experience and psychosis.

 

I'm sorry you have this trouble

I have no personal experience, but I'm afraid there is. I have two friends who were into new-age spirituality and developed psychosis, and at least one of them consideres her episode directly connected to her reading/practice and doesn't want to touch spirituality with a ten-foot pole now. She said she was also unable to sleep for days while she considered "demons" real. She has a really tough time being on the medication, with weight gain etc., but she's absolutely not risking giving it up. I have another friend with schizophrenia who also told me that in order to manage her illness she decided to stay away from certain aspects of personal development. 

I'd like to hear something sensible on the topic from people experienced in consciousness work, I wonder why this trap isn't covered more often. 

Edited September 28, 2017 by Elisabeth

[zenjen]

@Elisabeth 

Thank you for your concern. I agree this should be covered more, especially for those people in depressed states who are seeking enlightenment. I think this could definitely become a trap and I plan on staying away from new agey stuff until I feel more stable. Only some simple mindfulness and breathing practice for me.

In a way I feel more sane than I've been for awhile. Codependency, materialism, fear of the dark and supernatural have almost vanished from my life. I'm working on my fear and paranoia of opening up to people (social anxiety), & that has improved as well with talk therapy. At the same time I feel scattered and I'm not sure if it's because of side effects of the medication. I have been unable to focus very well on one thing for any extended period of time. I'm very much in the moment and it's challenging to plan for the future right now. The doctor said this would go away relatively soon though, so I'm hoping.

 

(By the way I'm crafting these long explanations because it's therapeutic for me to sort out my thoughts in writing)

Edited September 28, 2017 by zenjen

[phoenix666]

27 minutes ago, zenjen said:

(By the way I'm crafting these long explanations because it's therapeutic for me to sort out my thoughts in writing)

writing is in fact therapeutic. maybe even more than talking. you may start keeping a journal, maybe even on the forum (that prevents you from slacking off). that helped me a lot with sorting things out in my mind

[zenjen]

@phoenix666 Yes! I started a journal, but I find it really refreshing to talk and answer questions with people right now. I've kept my thoughts private for most of my life and filtered my responses so maybe it's my learning to open up that is getting me excited to share right now. I'm enjoying the feedback I'm getting from group conversations.

[Nadosa]

Well, last two months I've obsessed very much on spirituality whilst being severely depressed. It is absolutely not a good idea since it drove me to desperation and hoped for a switch of my consciousness (like it was for Eckhart Tolle). I am now in a critical state, and I am seeing a therapist soon. On the other side, I had deep conscious insights during my worst suffering. I would not do any spiritually things (except Meditation) if you arent in a psychologically stable state. Right now I am just hoping to get anywhere near to being "normal".

 

Edited September 28, 2017 by Nadosa

[Anirban657]

I had experience with psychosis. I understand how you might have felt. You are not alone. 

 

[ajasatya]

@zenjen

the very first experience is a SHOCK. it usually comes from an accidental/naive event.

after the shock, comes FEAR, which is fundamentally the fear of death.

the next phase is the SLOW APPROACH, in which we tap into spiritual practices carefully.

the next phase is a COOL DOWN, in which we become intimate with deep existential matters.

the next phase is a POWERFUL RISE, which moves us towards our full potential. the motivation comes from inside.

the last phase is ABUNDANCE MANAGEMENT, in which we gather what we sowed whilst working just enough to sustain the abundance.

Edited October 12, 2017 by ajasatya

[nick96]

@zenjen

There is a similarity between psychosis and spiritual awakening symptoms. 

Traditional psychotherapy and psychiatry has no theoretical framework to understand and diagnose properly any condition connected with spiritual awakening. They can diagnose as psychotic a patient that is experiencing a powerful and important transformation as a consequence of awakening.

The only field of Western psychology that deals with this field and can fully understand it is transpersonal psychology.  Don't seek support from conventional psychiatrists ! Their view of the human psyche is very limited . 

The phases of powerful transformation that come after sudden opening to spiritual experiences are called spiritual emergency or spiritual crisis in transpersonal psychology.

I am currently in this phase. What I did at the time was that I combined a Vipassana retreat with Holotropic breathwork and two radical honesty workshops right afterwards. My level of consciousness grew incredibly in a very short time and i had a few mystical experiences. Since then I have been releasing tons of stuck emotions and have had a lot of symptoms that by conventional psychology would have been diagnosed as psychotic. It is really a very powerful healing process that has to be supported . 

You can find support here http://spiritualemergence.info .

If you want to read in depth about this there is a whole chapter in the book " integral psychology" by Brant Cortright.  

[Brimstone]

I would imagine that serious concerns would be raised about you pretty quickly if you ran around telling everyone they did not exist, lol. 

"Sorry I am not listening to you because you don't exist"

"Who I am lives inside me and that is the only thing that is real"

I would lock myself up if I ran around saying that to everyone. Maybe I really do need that check up from the neck up 

Seriously though, it is amazing how the light shines brightest within when things appear at their darkest. 

Namaste

 

[zenjen]

@Brimstone the main thing that landed me in the hospital was that I was not sleeping, it wasn't because of me running my mouth about my non-dual experience, I actually didn't do that. I was in a state of panic because I felt I would actually die if I fell asleep and asked my mother to take me to the hospital for that reason. All of the synchronicities I was experiencing felt too much for me at the time, and I became overwhelmed/suicidal all over again. There was a voice in my head telling me that I would do the right thing, tell the truth, and I would die because of it. The inner voice was also telling me that I was a reincarnation of Jesus Christ and my name in this life has the same initials for that reason (J.C.). Then I started realizing the biblical names of people in my life were synching up. I felt I was the true creator of this reality that I'm living in, down to every last detail, and it was absolutely beautiful and terrifying. Anyway, it was all very intense and seemed too much to handle alone. Possibly like a bad LSD trip (even though I've never taken psychedelics).

Edited October 14, 2017 by zenjen

[Brimstone]

That sounds like some ride @zenjen , thank you so much for sharing. 

What I was trying to say with my comment was that to what is perceived as normal in life, coming to a place whereby Truth starts to bubble up it can definitely begin to manifest in some pretty interesting ways, some of which can easily be framed as psychosis in modern society. 

Personally through the 10 years or so that I suffered from deep depression I used to actually will suffering into my life, and offer it up so that others may suffer less. I used to have pictures of sick and dieing children on the wall next to my bed so that I could be reminded to be compassionate and humble in everything I did. I was so arrogant in my humility, I felt like I was chosen by Jah to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders so I definitely know where you are coming from to some degree. I barely slept, talked or ate either, it was a massive struggle. It was also a massive gift though, as from that mud the lotus bloomed.

Relative to what you are going through I see it as a healthy sign that you identify with Jesus as it says to me that within you lies the drive and passion to help shape a better world. His teachings are definitely pure and ring true as he was trying to awaken people to the inner light that shines within us all and can lead to our freedom. 

When it all falls away it is seen that we are all part of Story (or consciousness if you prefer) that can not be owned by a you or a me. From this viewpoint it is easy to see how through the interconnectedness of the sum of all being, and carrying that within us, we can tap into aspects and they can feel so real. 

Where are you at today with your journey if you do not mind me asking? 

[zenjen]

@Brimstone Thank you for sharing your story as well! Similarly, my friend quoted, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” (– Anaïs Nin) in regards to my experience. The suffering I went through is similar, many years of depression, but I never thought of myself as particularly saintly or obligated to do "God's work".

In my journey right now I'm really trying to use my insight for good and start tapping around some of my residual anxiety. I now feel more familiar with the root of my pain so now I'm trying to resolve it in different areas of my life at a time. Right now I'm working on my social anxiety and absolving issues that come with many years of low self-esteem/self-love.