Other People's Actions

[spicy_pickles]

First off, I'm learning how to improve myself so that I can more effectively deal with this. 

My partner, from what I've seen, has some unresolved issues. That's not my concern, but how they affect him directly affects me. Meaning, he takes out his frustrations and anger on me by raising his voice, being downright mean and/or childish, spewing nasty comments, etc. 

I never defended myself in the past because for starters, I do not like conflict. But, this is getting out of hand. As I mentioned in a previous post, he found out early on that I was easy to walk all over and he made me his doormat. 

Instead of feeling hurt and sad, I'm furious at the way I'm being treated. Of course, if I bring this up, I get the same old line - he is just under so much stress and unhappiness that it's affecting him, and I'm not helping the situation.

I am angry, and nobody has the right to treat me like that. 

Advice appreciated. 

[spicy_pickles]

@Mad Max yes - spot on. 

My dad abused my mother. Why I went down the same path, being with a man who is angry all the time like my father was - I have no idea. 

He has ruined my confidence and ability to speak up. 

[Leo Gura]

@spicy_pickles There can be no relationship without:

A) Open lines of communication

B) Boundaries

He can be as neurotic as he wants, but you must be able to establish open, honest, safe channels of communication with him and have him understand your boundaries if there is to be any hope between you to. If he is unable to communicate or unwilling to respect basic boundaries, treating you with respect, then the relationship is already dead and there is no saving it.

Sit down with him and bring up this meta-issue. If he cannot grasp it and agree that these two elements are critical to your relationship, then it's time to end it.

This is not an issue about him changing or growing, it's an issue about whether there can exist a relationship at all.

As for your own development, you need to sit down and get very clear and precise with yourself about what your boundaries are. What are you willing to compromise on? What is non-negotiable?

Yes, the reason guys abuse you is because you aren't strong enough in enforcing boundaries, and they smell it. It's very easy to smell. Once he's smelled it, he will not respect you, treating you like a doormat for his ego.

[Lynnel]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

 

Yes, the reason guys abuse you is because you aren't strong enough in enforcing boundaries, and they smell it. It's very easy to smell. Once he's smelled it, he will not respect you, treating you like a doormat for his ego.

+ She will have to undo the conditionning which made her choose this partner in the first place.

@spicy_pickles You have to read Toxic parents by Susan Forward and leaving home by David Celani.

Those will change your life.

[WaveInTheOcean]

 

[spicy_pickles]

Thanks for all your replies. 

Yes, it is true, I am not strong enough in enforcing boundaries. 

It’s funny, I haven’t been to the site in awhile (currently in counselling to work through a) leaving this toxic relationship and b) working on myself). Something made me come here tonight. I’m glad I did. 

I wanted to post about how I received a lot of clarity working through my issues and recognizing why I do things. I always feel I’m in the wrong, always feel like I’ve made a mistake. I’m the cause of a problem.  I did something wrong. I misunderstood someone today and gave a very casual response to a much more serious issue. I couldn’t apologize enough afterwards, even though that person totally recognized they were unclear as well. 

On one hand I’m glad I recognized this, and on the other hand, I can see how I’ve been treated the way I have been because of this. 

Time to invest even more time in myself to work on these things.