Putting Yourself First.

[spicy_pickles]

Just wanted to know if this is focusing too much on ego or if there's anything negative associated with it. 

I'm quite frankly rather tired of letting certain people in my life walk all over me, dictate the rules, guilt me into doing things they'd prefer I do as opposed to what I want to do, etc. 

Thanks. 

[Spiral]

@spicy_pickles This has more to do with your confidence and need for people to like you, rather than being selfless. I can absolutely see why you might come to that conclusion tho.

My suggestion is to decide once and for all that you'll stop and create a new social circle, it's a lot more difficult with people whom are used to have you that way to accept you changing.  

Hope things work out for you, it's a frustrating problem.

[spicy_pickles]

Thank you for that reply. I mean it. That resonated with me massively. 

Yes, when I tried in the past I got some extreme push back. Certainly clarified what my role was to these people. I couldn't even go out and enjoy being alone for an hour or two. My role was to simply be present as they needed me. I didn't have to say anything, they could spew all they wanted to vent their frustrations, but I just had to be in the room beside them. 

No thanks. 

[Forestluv]

@spicy_pickles I've gone through similar events. In general, not being able to say "No" and taking responsibility for other people's responsibilities and feelings (and often becoming resentful later).

For me, the first step was to acknowledge my behavior is a result of my physiology, past experience and current stimuli. There is no "me" or "self" making decisions. As long as I am under the delusion that my illusionary self is making decisions, I will struggle with confusion, frustration, remorse etc. in this area.

Then, there was the realization that many of the beliefs/thoughts motivating my behavior were programmed. There was a realization that those thoughts/beliefs about "what I *should* do" could all be bullshit and untrue. Then there was sort of an opening or blankness.

For me, the behaviours of others is part of external input - similar to bright sunshine, hot weather or loud music. I feel uncomfortable sensations in hot, humid weather. *Should* I be outside in hot humid weather because I want to reinforce my self image of being "adventurous" and "outdoorsy"? Just imagine talking with the guys at work about what we did during the weekend. They all went running, kayaking, and hiking - and I went to an air-conditioned movie theatre. Imagine texting gals I met on Tinder about my "adventurous" movie outing. Now imagine me feeling like a loser and wishing I had done something outside. . . It seems like a silly example, yet the unconscious authors of my thoughts and beliefs determine my behavior. 

My being tends to prefer experiencing "good" emotions and my mind prefers being engaged with interesting thought concepts. If I lose the ego, I trust that is where my being will be attracted to. If I am at a loud concert and feeling uncomfortable, I can leave. I do not have to participate in that environment. Likewise, if someone in my life is acting unhealthy - I can leave. I do not have to participate in that activity. Yet, it is not always so simple. Imagine I was outside and uncomfortable in hot humid weather. Just go inside, right? Well, what if I am sitting at my brother's wedding? That wouldn't be too cool to leave just because I'm uncomfortable. Afterwards, I may feel a bit physically ill and need to rehydrate. Yet, I wouldn't feel resentful at the weather for being hot and humid or resentful at my brother for choosing this wedding date. I wouldn't ask myself "why does this always happen to me?" or "why did I act that way?".

All that human input is just external input. My being can participate in it or not. Just today, a colleague asked me to write a letter of reference for her by this Friday. My first thoughts were "wtf, why did she wait four days before the due date to ask me?", "I've got enough to do this week, without picking up her responsibilities", "yea, but what if I say "no"? I may need something from her in the future". . . Round and round the resistance went and when it settled down there was a sense that I like the project she is working on and it would be cool to be part of it". I agreed to do it and I don't feel any frustration or resentment about it. I've also said "No" at times for stuff I'm just not interested in participating in.

[spicy_pickles]

@Serotoninluv thank you, I'm getting better at telling people no. I still have a lot of work to do though. 

[spicy_pickles]

@Mad Max thanks for giving me the jolt I needed to put myself first. Started back at the gym again tonight. Asserted myself. Didn't put up with crap. 

Its a step in the right direction I suppose. Have to work on the people pleasing mentality and possible confidence issues (needing others approval). 

[Leo Gura]

@spicy_pickles Who do you mean when you say "certain people"? Are these friends, family, spouse, coworkers, schoolmates? What is your age?

If you want better advice, be specific about your situation.

[spicy_pickles]

@Leo Gura more specifically my partner. I am 36 years old. 

I grew up being a people pleaser and needing approval from my peers. I'd go out of my way to seek their approval. 

Clearly this has resonated into my personal life and relationship. Recognizing this, when I've tried to do what I want to do and what I feel like doing, I got a massive guilt trip and silent treatment from my partner. 

I'm angry now, and done with it all, and ready to make that change and put my needs first.