My Failed Romance ( I Am Sooo Sad )

[Jonson]

 Hi i feel like i have to write something  . I am 16  , At school we have this program of going for 1 week  to a school in another country .We are a german school in ROmania .  We go to the german families  and vice-versa . It includes  trips , parties and stuff.

Last year i went in germany  and I met a girl. (I am kinda the only one from my class who tried to have fun and connect with the  stranger german girls , cause we have different languages   - They are really different from Romanian girls ,they are intelligent , open minded , free thinkers , they are just amazing  ) . I had some good conversations with her, and  we also had a lot of awkward moments , uncomfortable  moments where we didn't connect emotionally . But the thing is that even if  we had all these bad moments , i could have still given her a kiss , i had so many occasions , chances , but i just didn't do it , cause i felt very depressed in the moment , i was so anxious because i was over-analyzing everything. The thing is that i could only be with that girl for one week and then could never see her again. I didn't kiss her !!! I was very disappointed ,very sad , I even cried. Then i finally came home and i was like what ?? why tf were I such a pussy , why did i have those powerful negative emotions  ? Were they created by me ? ...I wrote a post on actualized.org about it , then i felt better . And then I said I will never make this mistake again ...

 

Next year the germans came to us. And there was a NEW GIRL , a beautiful one , just like the other one . Again , we had some cool moments, but there were a lot of awkward moments and also social pressure because i was the only one who tried to connect with a german girl . I can say she really liked me and she wanted something to happen. She was trying to say funny things , she gave me hints , we were like " yeah , we will be together "  We also got physical this time :  A lot of hugs , a lot of close face to face interactions, dancing .   BUT still not enough - we didn't kiss . I DIDN'T KISS HER . Many times She was looking into my eyes and I felt insecure.  I could blame a lot of things for why this happened , but deep down i know i could have done much better . On the last day we had a party before they went home ... we were both trying to connect and feel good  so that we can finally kiss ... but it was just so much tension and frustration that we felt weird and anxious. My friends were encouraging me to kiss her but i didn't. UGGGGHH Fuck me !! Then i was like " Oh we don't feel so great , so we shouldn't kiss cause it will be awkward " . Now I'm like "I should have fucking kissed her anyway , it would be a 1000x better then now , it could have been such beautiful moment , facing my fears and having a great end to the story . When it was time to say goodbye , i went and talked to her and it was kind of a relieving conversation because i told her how i felt .. I told her something like this " I know that we tried to have fun together an be together , it;s probably my fault that it didn't happen ... maybe we just don't match . " and then she asked " Why do you say we didn't match ?, i think we had a lot of great moments together "i am crying right now .. i am so sorry for her now ... and i said " i feel like there wasn't that chemistry between us but it's ok cause i had a really great time with you, you are such a kind and beautiful girl " and then she awkwardly laughed and she said " You can come next time in germany  " , I gave her a long hug , then I was looking into her eyes  , we were looking at each other and although I said all these things to her , I finally felt THAT WE WERE ACTUALLY CONNECTING  ....and ....it was a beautiful moment,...we were looking at each other... and  I was thinking of kissing her ..... Guess what happened :   I WAITED TOO LONG  and she had  to go !!! UUUGGGGGGHHH ...... I am so fucking angry about myself right now !!!   , I was kinda happy that i told her how i felt cause i never told a girl that i love her .... but i was very sad  that i didn't kiss her . 

 

And here I am a few hours later writing this post  and i am just thinking  " Man , what an opportunity i missed  , FUCK man , FUCK " .

There is a  chance though that i can go to them again , or that she can come again but that is not granted. 

Will i ever get over my weirdness and actually kiss  the girl ??  I am scared that i won't meet such an amazing girl again , it was my only chance .I feel like i want this girl back in my life . And yes i know all the principles about dating in theory but it's very hard to apply them

Edited September 23, 2017 by Jonson

[Girzo]

Man, I can totally relate.

***

I went on Erasmus to Spain with few guys and gals from my school. So there she is, my classmate, the most gorgeous girl in school (we have like 30 girls and 900 guys in school, so it's not that hard to get that title xd). Travel and the first few days were just fun, fun, fun. She was subtly hitting on me, but I also wanted her, so I was teasing her a lot. Laying on the same bed, some physicality, but calibrated, since friends were always around. Some stupid jokes in the city, being funny, building connection between us.

And then came the night. I bought some Georgian vodka ("Wódka, please"  everyone understands) for all of us (10 people) and we drank that pretty fast. So here we are, drunk, young, laughing and joking around. At some point I had said "Caroline, let me show you something", grabbed her hand and took her outside on a little balcony (1x2 meters). I had my iPod (thanks Steve Jobs) in hand and said "Do you know my friend George Michael?". I had put an earbud into her ear, and one into my ear and we were dancing on a balcony facing Granada's beautiful main street at night, listening to "Careless Whisper". It was the most sloppy dance ever, lol, the earbuds were constantly falling off, but I still believe it was great idea . A lot of fun, we were doing that for at least an hour, I had a lot of weird 90' songs on the memory and some songs to sing and some funny ones, felt nostalgic at that very moment.

The progression had to be made at some point, so I tried to kiss her. She stopped me, thought for a second and said "I can kiss with you, but please don't take that as something serious, I just want it.", "I feel the same." I said. (I was lying, for me it was serious, it was the first time I kissed a girl, I was boiling inside from emotions, but tried to hold a poker face, lol).

So here we are dancing, kissing and not giving a fuck about the rest of the group. At some point she tells me she needs to go back to her room to visit a toilet and says I can go with her. The grin on my face was telling everything. I felt respect to how she handled the situation and made it totally normal and innocent for us to leave everyone.

I guess it was easier for us to hook up, because we were 19, not 16 like you and the girl. I regret not having condoms, I would have pushed a little bit further than just using hands, but it was still cool as it was my first experience with any girl. Now it feels a little bit weird to spend time with her alone, but we are good colleagues.

***

The point is that even I have went further than you, I still have felt the same as you afterward. The exact same thought-loop. The thing with mind is that it always wants more and more and I think that you should be satisfied with what you have achieved, because you have done a great job. You need to set proper expectations, you won't be a social God after meeting one girl, you will need a lot of training. I believe that the right thing to do now is to try to forget about the girl and start to meet other girls.  I wish you success! And a lot of failures, so you can grow a lot. 

Oh, I have almost forgotten, self-acceptance exercises work great in that kind of situation, too.

[Echoes]

@Jonson I think this video can give you a helpful perspective 

 

[Jonson]

@Girzo omg man thanks for your response . Right now i feel a bit empty and I also feel like a failure , i just realised that she actually liked me a lot . I was just ignoring her throughout the week a lot because i was afraid that she wouldn't like me , omg . The fear is the only cause of weirdness . We even talked about me being weird and i just blamed it on "mood swings" yeee....:))) But i still appreciate this whole experience because i saw some improvement since the first one , especially that i had to talk another language .

Edited September 23, 2017 by Jonson

[Jonson]

I meditated for 60 days straight and then i stopped for some reason ,don't know why, probably because of laziness.

9 minutes ago, Mad Max said:

Just meditate.

 

[Girzo]

24 minutes ago, Mad Max said:

That's probably why you didn't go for the kiss. He who abandons his meditation practice shall never reap the fruits of love. Something to think about.

44 minutes ago, Jonson said:

I meditated for 60 days straight and then i stopped for some reason

That shit happens again and again for me. I am thinking "Man I felt so cool last week, what was different back then? Oh, I was meditating. Why did I stop, I don't know." So the thing is to notice that and get back to practice ASAP. I never had a meditation streak longer than 14 days, but it's getting better for sure.

[Akshay]

@Mad Max lol

[Akshay]

@Jonson everything happens for a fuckin reason! It will pass and you will definitely get another girl like her! There's always opportunities! Be open to them and optimistic always!

[Nahm]

@Jonson Your troubles are the result of your misunderstanding of love. You are placing girls on a pedestal, because you think the love is potentially coming - or not coming, from them.  The love you experience is only coming from you. The result of thinking your love  is coming from them, leaves you fearing that perhaps they won't give it. Go within. Do the practices daily. Discover what you are. Become love, and you will never have a need for thoughts on confidence, fear, anxiety, trust - or any trepidation in kissing a girl.  

[Girzo]

@Nahm True, but there is a trap with this approach, beacause you can become so fearless and good at accepting rejection, that nothing will push you to change. So it's good to also stay grounded and look at the results, if they are not what you want then you have to seek solutions.

You can become overconfident in the sense that your confidence is way higher than your skills. The thing is not to lower your confidence, but to increase your skills. The best solution for me is to develop both of them at once in a balanced manner.

@Jonson But since you have said that "I know all the principles about dating in theory", then Nahm is giving you the right advice. Just don't forget to go back and review everything you know when you gain more emotional mastery. Please, don't fall into the trap of being a guy who is not getting any results and never feels bad. Never feel bad, but strive for results.

[Nahm]

@Girzo I suppose if you believe that you need rejection and fear to push to develope yourself, then you were already on the right path. Godspeed bro. IMO, "skills" is a self minimizing perspective. It seems to me you are in a trap, and reinforcing it by calling other perspectives a trap. I've been there. That's the worst kind of trap. The "I'm not in a trap already" trap.