Extreme Self-destructive Thinking

[Nadosa]

Hi,

I am 19 years old and my mental-suffering and spiritual journey started in February when suddenly Derealisation and Depersonalisation hit me out of the blue (probably because of prolonged stress). Very traumatic time, but I managed to get over it, graduated during my worst anxiety times, constantly felt detached from the world and people. It vanished when I let go of control and accepted it. I became more and more aware of my thoughts.

Actually, I am a bit grateful, because this time taught me a lot about myself, but it definitely left its traces. Many people who recovered from DPDR say they have a much better life after it, but it somehow distorted my perception of the world, because I know that I was in this "movie/dream world" for a long time.

But DPDR is over now, and I have to accept it as it is now.

Well, my anxiety vanished more and more, I was just depressed sometimes after it. And I didn't know that it just would get started. 

During the second half of July, I developed a strange time anxiety/phobia, I just wanted the time to stop and I didn't want the future to come. It all climaxed in the beginning of August.

You know, when you have DPDR, you have a warped sense of time and time runs. My time anxiety is based on the fact that I somehow don't have memories of the last months, I feel like I was thrown on this earth without a sense of time. I googled: "feeling trapped in time", "feeling stuck". This time thing just occured, it didn't bother me much before the end of July. I felt so lost, still feel like this a bit. 

I just continued living, I was sure that I was 100 percently over anxiety and panic. But slowly and steadily another thought creeped in, and it was the first time I experienced this incredible and terryfing wave of pain and panic, not really anxiety as I knew it.

Automatic suicidal thoughts. I literally projected myself into the future that I will commit suicide if it becomes unbearable. The "funny" thing was that I was fine, not good, but DEFINITELY NOT FEELING LIKE MY LIFE WAS MEANINGLESS.

Those thoughts were automatic and I was sure I wouldn't act on them, but my mistake was that I did all to prove them wrong. They soon ruled my life, and combined with time anxiety, I was trapped in a terrible cycle of depression and pain. I thought that I was determined to commit suicide and I was a victim of this feeling, not knowing what to do. It was really the worst suffering I have ever experienced, until my mind suddenly shut off all my negative emotions, it was a mild anhedonia, incapable to really feel something. I was in a total blankness. I am glad that it happened, because it offered me the opportunity to realize how fucked up my mind was. The time before TOTALLY distorted my reality and sensations. A really dark place with a constant “resistance feeling”.

Now I am here, fortunaley I am doing better now, but thoughts about time and past still creep in and I feel like I walk on thin ice. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be here anymore (although I used to love life and deep inside, I still do!) and I have many difficulties in making sense out of time. I look at the date and a strange wave, well a mixture of despair and confusion runs through my body and leaves me depressed, like really depressed. I’ve gradually lost all my interests during the last weeks, because I constantly reacted on the thoughts.

My awareness faded too, to a point where I was in a state of deep unconsciousness, where I even felt detached from my breath, my mind was in a constant blankness. I was unable to meditate.

Meditation was only a measure during my worst times, when I suffered very bad from anxiety to give me some relief, but it was never on a daily basis. So I started it now on a daily basis as well as exercising, but I am afraid to fall back in this dark place although I already see many benefits, and I am able to observe myself again, which I am really proud of.

But still I have a feeling of being stuck between past and future and I really don’t have a sense of self. I read “The Power of Now” what didn’t give me more information than I already had. I also don’t know if it is really worth it to go to a therapist, because I cannot really describe how I feel sometimes. They would probably diagnose me with Major Depression or so…

I think I have self-inflicted trauma because of my 24/7 brainfuck which ruined my life and got me to the rock bottom of my life. Also because I cant really accept that it is how it is and that I have an odd time perception. A monkey mind at its worst. I am able to work every day, but I am afraid that I will fail when I start college in two weeks, because I am in a constant daze.

Any help appreciated.

Sorry for my bad English, I am from Germany

 

Edited September 20, 2017 by Nadosa

[B Clear]

I had extreme physical trauma done to me when I was young as well as witness many violent acts so I did go through periods of time where I can relate to how you have felt.

My advice would be first of all to fully accept who you are, you spoke a lot about not wanting to be the way you were and not accepting this. You cannot move forward from the point where you are at, without accepting it first..
Be very careful at this point to not compare yourself to other 'normal' people. Comparison at such times can be deadly, and no one is 'normal'.

Something that might sound strange to do now is to look for the interesting, beautiful, beneficial aspects of what your current state provides, and then spend some time observing those.
One I can think of, is that you are able to tell us of a completely different perception of reality, which is something a lot of people here are interested in. Like the way you perceive time. Yes, it is different, it is strange but it is interesting too. Maybe there is a wisdom you can gain that we who do not perceive this way cannot. Look for it.

And lastly, I really do recommend you find a therapist to talk to. Maybe not a psychologist who will diagnose you if that is not want you want, but maybe just an intelligent open minded (preferably enlightened) counselor you can talk to, share your thoughts with and receive some feedback.
You are going through something significant and isolating as you try process could become too overwhelming. Just knowing you have someone to talk to, even if they are not there to cure of diagnose you, can make a world of a difference. <3

(*also only use my advice if it feels right to you*)

[Nadosa]

Finally someone answered. The therapy system over here is really screwed. I called several therapists and they told me to try it in a half or one year again. That's the reason I ask for help, because I dont really have anyone to talk to who understands the critical situation I am in.

I really suffer from my unconsciousness, it is crippling, because I cant really observe my thoughts when unconscious.

[ajasatya]

@Nadosa hi there. i want to share what i did (and still do) when i was where you are.

i started to expand my life instead of trying to fix things. that expansion has been changing the content of my entire being and i'm growing out of the mud as someone completely different. i no longer identify with the past.

the thing is, this cure requires drastic practical effort because you have to live a new life everyday, until the new life becomes your life.

you live in germany, which, i believe, has holistic events going on. why don't you start searching for them and being part of them? yoga classes, zen meetings, events about healthy food, retreats, workshops, groups of people who plant trees. i bet there's a lot going on.

your prison is mental. the voice that says "i don't want to do those things" is just a thought that happens to you because of your old conditioning. be a good friend to yourself and face that mental resistance. change your conditioning and your thoughts will change.

the first stage of becoming free of conditioning is the hardest one, but everytime you do the opposite of what those destructive thoughts say, that's a great victory for your health.

[Nadosa]

That sounds like a huge change, but in the end there doesn't seem to be another opportunity. Honestly, I already considered going to a monastery or so. I believe in the energy of the presence of those people.

In one week, I start studying industrial engineering, but I consider myself incapable of integrating, my reality is clouded. I cant even imagine learning because I am really blank most of the day.

I've worked in a really boring job since August which was supposed to distract me, but after 8 weeks it left me much worse than before. 

Man before all this mental sh*t in February, I dreamt of studying, I looked foward to a bright future. But all I want now is definitely not the future. It would tear me down if I failed studying. But I've always been a massive worrier, therefore I considered DPDR to be my awakening.

But I am still dwelling on this, on my inner voice that wants me destroyed since August and I dont know why. All I did was dwelling very much on the suicide of Chester Bennington and before I've always wanted to be cured BEFORE August, but it didnt happen and that was another thing which threw me off the track.

I asked one, lets say awakened and very aware Dude who helped me through my anxiety times, and he told me that it isnt important to know, that I should let silence answer my worries.

All I can focus on the whole day, whether it is during work or at home, is the inner mess, which distorts my perception of the past and the future.

Sometimes I feel guilty, because I cant appreciate my life as I actually should.

There are millions of other teens that would give everything for the life I'm living. One of the few things that keeps me alive is the appreciation, that my town isnt bombed 24/7, that I actually have everything, food etc.. what other people dream of. I also hate self-pitying and that I do it so often.

But that all doesn't change much regarding my mental state.

Whilst meditating I notice myself automatically believing those thoughts like "I shouldnt be here anymore". But how can I "disbelieve" thoughts that are already deeply embedded and believed?

Does anyone have experiences with "the art of living happiness" program? Or more exactly Sudarshan Kriya? I think that would be a first step.

Edited September 22, 2017 by Nadosa

[ajasatya]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

Whilst meditating I notice myself automatically believing those thoughts like "I shouldnt be here anymore". But how can I "disbelieve" thoughts that are already deeply embedded and believed?

Does anyone have experiences with "the art of living happiness" program? Or more exactly Sudarshan Kriya? I think that would be a first step.

very good. you said a lot of useless things but at last you said what matters: some practical questions.

it isn't a matter of disbelieving. you have to grasp the illusory nature of thoughts, whether they're loving or destructive. how to do so? you don't fight them and don't attach to them. don't try to be positive and don't fear the negative. relax in neutral. just observe and don't get involved. bring your attention back to your breathing and live on. if you try to fight thoughts with more thoughts, you'll be feeding the mess.

about the art of living, they're great. very joyful people. i got in touch with yoga at july 21th in 2015 because of them and since then i've been practicing a lot, improving my health. everyday i feel healthier than the day before, so i'm very grateful to them. if your intuition is telling you to get in touch with them and practice what they propose, do eet!

Edited September 23, 2017 by ajasatya

[Nadosa]

11 hours ago, ajasatya said:

it isn't a matter of disbelieving. you have to grasp the illusory nature of thoughts, whether they're loving or destructive. how to do so? you don't fight them and don't attach to them. don't try to be positive and don't fear the negative. relax in neutral. just observe and don't get involved. bring your attention back to your breathing and live on. if you try to fight thoughts with more thoughts, you'll be feeding the mess.

 

I notice that I automatically believe that there is no other way than believing the thoughts. I believe that I am nothing without the thoughts. I believe that suffering is the only thing which represents ME. I believe that my life situation right now is destined to suffering and nothing else. Everytime when I feel better, I believe that I shouldnt, that I am doing it wrong, that I should look for the root cause, that meditation is just a secondary relief.

That's bascially the way I think everyday, which leaves me stuck in a closed loop circuit, therefore I feel stuck.

Changing this conditioning and breaking those patterns will require a lot of patience, discipline and effort.

Edited September 23, 2017 by Nadosa

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Changing this conditioning and breaking those patterns will require a lot of patience, discipline and effort.

SURE THING.

[Nadosa]

Here I am again. And the deep suffering has returned, I dont even know what it caused, my feelings and emotions burst out like water out of a dam, I am so overwhelmed by this, I feel so stuck, I dont really know what to do. All hope I had few days ago feels like an illusion I held on to. The worst thing is that I cant even explain why, it feels like I died long time ago and I feel trapped like shit. And yes since I've had the terrifying suicidal thoughts, it feels like something died in me. My face looks like it was punched several times and I have huge dark circles under my eyes.

What should I do? Going to a Doctor, telling him I feel trapped in life and I dont know why?

 

Edit: I am a bit better, gonna meditate now.

Edited September 25, 2017 by Nadosa

[smd]

@Nadosa You should go to a doctor and see if they can do an MRI scan on your brain.  Maybe there is some trauma or something causing these issues & it's not just psychological?  At least rule out physical brain diseases, if you haven't already.  It may bring you peace of mind or treatment.  I've always felt better when having myself looked at by a doctor.

[Nadosa]

I already did one in March, when I thought I had a brain tumor or so, nothing found. So should I do another one? 

Those thoughts are just there, unreasonably! But I always ask myself, mustnt there be anything wrong with me when I have automatic suicidal thoughts? I very obsess now, if it's the ego who wants to die or something like that.

It wasnt really anxiety either, just a thought popping up, and getting bigger and bigger overwhelming me to the bone. And the worst is, I dont have answers for this, why I keep getting this pain.

 

The only time it disappears, is when I just be present, drop my beliefs and thoughts completely. But I can barealy hold this state and it makes me feel like it is more like a coping mechanism.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Nadosa