Choosing Between Two Passions

[dystopia]

I was reluctant to post this but since I'm learning to be more open & not fear what people think, I will. What better place to post this than on a forum dedicated to actualization?

My earliest memory of sketching was around age 6, in Brazil. Back then, I didn't have magazines to look at, I just always "knew" I wanted to be a fashion designer. When my cousin and I were 12, we would talk about going into design together.

When I was a teenager, though, I got really into music. I played the violin, at school, from fourth to seventh grade. I switched to chorus, after that.

I remember seeing my first band live at 14 (The Blood Brothers). They were my favorite band at the time and I was surprised at the passion I exuded while watching them play. I was very introverted & shy, so it was out of character for me to react to something so freely.

I always feel the need to justify my depression and anxiety so: I grew up poor with a single, immigrant mother working two jobs to support my little brother and I. We were usually home alone. I was babysitting him by the time I was 10. When she was around she was emotionally and physically abusive towards me.

Meanwhile, my little brother got special treatment (he was never even made to do chores, as she would insist it was a women's job). I always felt like she resented me for being born, or something.

Anyways, I suffered from severe depression and anxiety for most of my life. I felt everything was pointless and I dropped out of school at 16 (never developed much ambition from lack of support), so I could work to help pay bills.

I ran away with a guy at 17 and got married at 18. He ended up being abusive towards me, as well but that's another story.

When I left him for good, I felt hopeful for the future for the first time, in awhile. My love of music and fashion grew stronger and was my biggest escape from reality.

I was 23 and started going clubbing, for the first time with my cousin (who btw never pursued her dream either, had also recently gotten divorced, and now had two children (the older one is autistic)). I loved going clubbing, at first. The attention from guys was only a bonus.

I wanted to live on the dance floor.

I adored hearing the loud music and feeling the rythym course through me. I could get lost and forget all my cares.
I figured everyone feels this way (why else would they be there?). It also got me fantasizing about the possibility of becoming a DJ.

Another sad part (lol) I ended up dating a guy who was an alcoholic and our relationship became based around drinking and smoking. I lost another 2 years of my life to my addiction.

I would work, come home exhausted, drink, watch music videos, black out, wake up at 3am (thirsty as hell), roll around uncomfortably for 2 hours, wake up feeling miserable, repeat.

For two fricken years.

The good news is, I am no longer drinking or smoking. Thanks (in large part to) Leo and other actualized folk, I feel more optimistic and clear-headed than ever!

I'm practicing yoga, cleaning up my diet, and honing my sewing skills. My biggest desire, right now, is to get out of my crappy job through making money selling my clothes on Etsy (or something).

However, I still have that urge in the back of my mind, that music is my true passion. I'm just not as into fashion as I used to be. But I am not sure because I have never actually tried producing anything. I just listen to it nonstop.

The closest I've gotten was (not the same thing but) playing with a DJ turntables, at a friend's friend's house (that was exciting, I didn't want to go home). Actualized forum community, what should I do?

TL;DR I feel I've lost my chance at pursuing music and think I should go for something more "realistic". I have always wanted to be a fashion designer and that seems safer, somehow? But I think my passion is stronger with music. 

I'm 26 now and feeling that urgency to decide this & seriously pursue one before I'm 30.

I also feel like there are so many kids, 10 years my junior, with so much talent, putting out mixtapes online, so it's becoming an over saturated field & harder to make money in? What chance do I have. Also, you hardly ever hear about female producers making it big. I don't want to just be a singer, I want to be a producer, as well.

I also don't care about fame I just want to be able to live my passion and make a decent amount of money off it and travel the world! I'm used to being poor (lol) even though I sometimes wish I could afford beautiful designer clothes.

Yes, I do suffer from over-analysis paralysis. That is my biggest downfall.

Edited February 21, 2016 by shouldnt

[Henri]

You should take it easy.

There are never two options in life but countless ones, you are just not aware of them right now.

You are a creative type. Work on your personal development and your creativity will blossom, your choices will be limitless.

Be kind to yourself because not a lot of people did. Learn, develop and enjoy. A lot will happen on your journey anyway, because your young and have a lot of experience already. Be patience!

[dystopia]

@Henri Thank you for your advice. The thing is I don't want more choices. I want to make a decision. I've been trying to decide what to invest myself in for years. I've given up on formal education and decided to pursue my passion but I don't think I can do it all. I've also considered putting my drawing talents to good use and writing comics but I can't figure out where I'll be the happiest. 

I guess I am impatient because I've let my mental illness and addictions take so much time away from me, already. I'm also desperate to make money some other way because I've been working as a maid since my divorce and its very physically exhausting so it stresses me out & I want to figure out what to focus on asap.

[Leo Gura]

@shouldnt What would you select if your success was guaranteed?

[Aldo Marchand]

I think about what i would do even for free for my whole life.

Even getting paid some activities seens as a big pain in the ass as long you don't understand it's true benefits for the future and skills/knowledge improvement.

How the paths relates with you dreams ?

[Cookiesliyr]

@shouldnt first thing i would like to notify is: Way to go! i am happy for you that you reached that far, and in that itself is a huge success already and a well done progress.

the second part is you still 27, you still have time for changes and more importantly developments, i am not an expert, not even close to that, but my youngest brother had a similar dilemma, not in that extreme level, but in short he found himself working in a place that he truly has zero passion in, he works there because he can survive, and because just to satisfy my father expections, he has huge passion to 3d design, not animated, just 3d digital art design, and in this Arabic country there is no future in that filed, not 4 years ago, not now either, but he need to make a living after all and work, and he is not welling to sacrifice his position in the family yet too, you see, seeking your passion sometimes is quite costly even if it brought to you fortune, money power and fame.

so, he was asking for advice for a while and he got several answers, he called me once and we talked about it for a while, and what i advised him is the following:

me: is your current work guaranteed? and how guaranteed your passion is?

he replied: me current work is more than guaranteed but my passion ... is hardly will make any money and it takes time because i am still a beginner.

so i told him: what you can if i were you is the following: keep your work and in your free time instead of playing video games, spend time with friends, blowing steam or even eating and sleeping, spend some of those activity time in practicing and learning, at least 2 hours worth per day, accumulate them and keep them up, if you really passionate to it and "REALLY" want to go there then why not? do your full time job and sacrifice your other time for your passion.

you see, my advice is kinda faulty too, it might lead him into a stressful life, which what happen to me several times, but if it was his true passion, then he would never regret spend any time on it, that's what i believe.

his response at first was negative, he was like: two hours is nothing, it won't do anything in digital art realm, and i won't advance at all, and i am always exhausted when i leave my full time job even to have fun or play or eat, and you tell me to work more ... etc etc

that was natural response actually from someone in his age and i didn't blame him, but look at who start making weird 3d things again 3 months ago  

your situation shouldnt is extremely different so my advice to bro might not be suitable for you, what you need for now i believe is survival more than success and passion, mentally and physically, you just came out from drinking problems and divorce and stuff, and if you stress yourself too much you might get depress again, so try to watch that, don't be too hard on yourself, and if money is an issue, and i assume in your case it is, and your current work makes you money then maybe you should consider sticking to it and not lose ur job position, if you can get job positions fast enough and you can survive and you can take risks, then maybe i can suggest see what's your heart desire more, do you want to be an expert in design or music more in 10 ... 20 ... or 30 years from now? and why not both? some people have passion and skills to do more than one thing and they live successfully in that way, and work as free lance wherever they can fit better. besides, it seems you have access to the internet, soooo ... can you make money from music online?

financially success in life depends on the situation of the person, her\his personality, place and time if you ask me, ask business freaks about that, they know better than me in those matters.

[dystopia]

@Cookiesliyr  omg I just turned 26 last september not 27 lol dont make me older. Call me superficial but im terrified of losing my youth and beauty. feel your bro lol. Sometimes I'm so exhausted from work that I don't want to do anything and I end up getting mad at myself for wasting even more time. I always feel like I'm running out of time for some reason. I have been forcing myself to do sewing whether I feel like it or not. Even just hemming some pants to make me feel productive.

I've definitely considered doing both. It may be possible but I have been wondering if I'm wasting my time with sewing when I should be starting on music. I've heard people say that you should focus on one thing if you want to be extremely good at it, hence my dilemma. I do enjoy sewing but I have never tried producing music, which I think is why I feel like I'm wasting time. I have a hard time being patient.

I quit drinking by myself. I guess I tell people that because I'm kind of proud but it was the loneliest journey I have ever had to endure. I am still depressed but I try not to wallow in negativity and I don't take medication. Thanks to the personal development work I feel more and more like I can overcome anything. I just wish I didn't overthink so much.

@Leo Gura  Probably  music but I'm not sure. I've only ever gotten to enjoy the finished work of others. I need to stop being an idiot and actually try producing my own stuff. Then hopefully I can come back and tell you guys. I really enjoy sewing, I get focused and lost in it and don't have to think so much. 

My biggest issue, liked I said, is I feel this urgency to make money off something so I can quit my tiring job. I think it's more realistic to make money off of unique clothing than music because everyone just downloads everything for free, nowadays. Especially from unknown artists.

Edited February 23, 2016 by shouldnt

[Cookiesliyr]

@shouldnt well yah, but to be honest, video games market is damn booming, maybe music artist and music enginner are paid the least i fear, but there is some money can be made by looking for people who are making games and looking for musicians and welling to pay for the music. but this is the issue, there is no job in the world (not even youtubers who do "lets play") is easy, non, zero, there must be some efforts and genuine one in your work or it won't be charming, people like passionate people because they can take some of its light, its energy, its life when they see it, passionate people when show up in youtube and talk with love and act with love and express themselves with love, that kind of aura ... how to put it, it can't be defined by science yet, people can feel that and they love it, but some how it consume the person who is shooting it with time, it is just stressful.

so, how to put it, you want to shine? do you really want to shine? then it will be through hard work, love and attempts without fear, you need to be productive while you are loving it, and not to shy away or fall broken when your products doesn't live you or the viewers\users expectations, tell me a good movie director who didn't made a bad movie, a musician who didn't play a bad song, an artiest who didn't draw a bad painting? it is hard ... really hard when you love something and not feel ashamed that it didn't live your expectation, it is a war of balance, keeping your dreams high, but not farther than visible stars.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Cookiesliyr