A Question On How To Cope With Anxiety And Fear Along The Path.

[Forestluv]

I've always considered myself a "seeker". I have read many self-help books, participated in lots of "spiritual" retreats, meditation groups etc. I've had countless conversations/debates on politics/philosophy/religion/science. I'm a professor and I'm "safe" in my head. I've had ups and downs, yet never have I felt like I was mentally unstable or insane. Until now. I'm wondering if some people might have had similar experiences here and how to cope with it.

A year ago, I started using psychedelics in "my search". I've gone to the ego-death zone several times - each time there was anxiety/fear about letting go and surrendering. Last June in Peru, I did my first and only Ayahuasca retreat. The second ceremony had terrifying moments as my ego struggled to maintain control and steer the experience. My ego realized it would lose and it couldn't stop the experience. I almost went into a full-on panic. Time had no meaning and I thought it would be like this forever.  There were also moments where the ego seemed absent. There were lessons about fear and insecurity. Other-wordly visions. The music was angelic. At times, my "self" seemed to float through and there was anxiety again. There were times I did not know what was real and I didn't know if I had gone insane and if I would ever return. There was a recurring thought like: "It's OK, in four hours the Aya will wear off and I'll be back and things will be normal again". It's like "I" was trying to run out the clock . Overall, there were some beautiful moments and lessons,  yet I was really shaken up. I thought I could never do that again and I only drank a half cup of Aya at the 3rd and final ceremony. I have not used psychedelics in high doses since.

Most of my trips have been light/moderate. There is awe, fascination and curiosity. The high dose trips have had anxiety regarding not being able to tell what is real, that I could lose control or if I had gone insane. I've always been able to talk myself down with "this isn't real, in a few hours everything will be back to normal".

A month ago, I was watching Sam Harris videos on how Free-Will is an illusion. There was a moment outside my intellect where I "got it". My ego, my "self", doesn't have control *even when I'm normal and sober*. Something else does. I'm stone sober and the anxiety comes. I'm not in control and I don't know what will happen. I can't make this stop.  It felt like the terror of the Aya ceremony. I didn't know what was real and if I had gone insane. Yet unlike the Aya ceremony, it will NEVER stop. There is no "return to normal". I will never be in control. There was actually the thought of "You could stop it by killing yourself". I don't know if that referred to killing the ego or my body. Yet, I felt insane and mentally unstable. Then, I got online and starting discussing free-will. I got back into my head to conceptualize. People told me things like "nothing has changed, you've lived your whole life this way fine". I started feeling better. A couple days ago, I watched Leo's video on Free-will. I liked the part about how life flows better when one recognizes free-will is an illusion. I thought "hey, this is actually a positive".

Today my "I am the observer" concept crumbled. For 25 years, this has been a secure concept for me. I was unable to create a new concept and realized there was some type of reality I couldn't describe with words. I realized there is something about awareness, observation and reality in my immediate environment that I don't understand and can't understand. I leave my office and a colleague walks by me in the hallway. What is he?  Is he some machine? An alien? Part of me? Can he sense what's going on inside of me?  If it really is true that my concepts are not "the truth" he could be anything and anything could happen. I feel anxiety as I don't seem to have my normal framework of reality and control. I try to act "normal" and go to the bathroom for 5minutes to collect myself. Then, I thought it may help to write about it on this forum. I'm feeling more settled down as things are starting to feel "back to normal" again. Yet, I have a foreboding sense - since I know there is "not normal" out there.

These are the only two sober panic/anxiety attacks I have had in my life. Both came on non-intellectual realizations that my "self" is an illusion and not in control. For 25 years, self-improvement and actualization has been fun and games. Yet, recently this shits got real and I've had two moments in the last month where I felt insane and terrified - *sober*. Can new levels of consciousness seem like insanity? It has felt somewhat like a psychedelic trip. Part of me is like, "Go with the flow,  Let go and surrender. No need to fear finding your true self and what is real". Another part of me is like "DUDE, this is your life we are talking about. You do not want to end up in an insane asylum. Stop this shit".  . . I do want to find truth and continue, yet right now it feels intense and I just want to slip back into "normal" and rest for a bit.

 

 

Edited September 18, 2017 by Serotoninluv
Corrected grammar error

[jwkspeck]

You are the ego. You are an illusion. Perhaps you believe the ego is only a part of you - but how does that work? What are you, in your direct conscious experience?

Of course your agenda is self-survival. This "I" that wants to rest is what will keep you from finding out what reality actually is.

Realize that sanity and insanity are both just concepts. If you want to discover truth, you will have to have an insight into your true nature, what you really are - and understand that "normal" is just another consensus concept. Can you try to see how everything in your experience is weird, no matter how acclimated you are to your environment?

[Forestluv]

52 minutes ago, jwkspeck said:

You are the ego. You are an illusion. Perhaps you believe the ego is only a part of you - but how does that work? What are you, in your direct conscious experience?

Of course your agenda is self-survival. This "I" that wants to rest is what will keep you from finding out what reality actually is.

Realize that sanity and insanity are both just concepts. If you want to discover truth, you will have to have an insight into your true nature, what you really are - and understand that "normal" is just another consensus concept. Can you try to see how everything in your experience is weird, no matter how acclimated you are to your environment?

That all seems rationale to me. Yet, when the moment arose that what is true is beyond my concepts and understanding, then anything could be true or nothing could be true. Assumptions I've unconciously made were no longer valid. I didn't know if I was in a dreamworld about to be pulked outside for a flight aroynd campus. I didn't know which entity was me - me or my colleague. I didn't know if we were sharing the same mind. I didn't know if the present moment was actually yesterday and I was actually at home grading papers. 

I'm not comfortable with spontaneous experiences akin to 300ug of lsd. Thank goodness I wasn't teaching a class when this popped up.

I don't know if this is common on the actualization path or a warning flag. E.g. That the psychedelics are having a harmful effect and to take a break.

[jwkspeck]

I do suggest you take a break from psychedelics if they are only increasing your confusion. Focus on meditation and contemplation.

Remember that all of language is conceptual. It's difficult, but even your assumptions, your most deeply rooted beliefs, are conceptual.

Definitely continue searching your direct conscious experience for the truth of what you are. Remain both grounded and open.

This work is not supposed to be easy. Use and respect psychedelics for the incredible tools that they are, but don't forget to do the work outside of those experiences.

[B Clear]

Hi @Serotoninluv

I have been experiencing similar, though not provoked by aya or lsd which I did in the past, but provoked by intense, dedicated self inquiry and self exploration. I have shared my perceptions resulting from it - that no belief or value is real and no reality is the real one  - and it has agitated friends who think I'm having some sort of a mental break down. I mean I am breaking down mental constructs through experience, so I guess they are right in a way.
But despite peoples reactions, I find that sharing what I am going through with people, who get it, helps ground the experience, also meditation does, and personally I am needing some solitude to process it all. It is all a bit scary, but as you know the unknown always is.  I wont lie you could risk loosing all the illusory roles you have attached to in this life, which is happening to me to some extent, but I think there is a way through it without completely detaching form all obligation and responsibility  and for me it is the practice of humility and reminding myself that I don't know, and whilst not knowing to just do the best with all of my responsibilities until I get more clear.

not sure if this helps, but those are my two cents.

[zenjen]

You are in the process of facing your greatest fear. Don't be scared away by thinking you may go insane. Be grateful for this experience, I think you are doing wonderful ?? 

[Naturalist]

Understand these...

“The ‘I’ of I, is not mine.

The ‘you’ of you, is not yours.

The ‘he’ of he, is not his.

The ‘she’ of she, is not hers.

The ‘it’ of it, is not its.”

 

“There is no I am reborn, but just a state of rebirth.

There is no I am suffering, but just a state of suffering.

There is no I am in fear, but just a state of fearsome.

There is no I am happy, but just a state of happiness.

There is no I am enlightened, but a the state of enlightenment.”

[Forestluv]

7 hours ago, B Clear said:

Hi @Serotoninluv

I have been experiencing similar, though not provoked by aya or lsd which I did in the past, but provoked by intense, dedicated self inquiry and self exploration. I have shared my perceptions resulting from it - that no belief or value is real and no reality is the real one  - and it has agitated friends who think I'm having some sort of a mental break down. I mean I am breaking down mental constructs through experience, so I guess they are right in a way.
But despite peoples reactions, I find that sharing what I am going through with people, who get it, helps ground the experience, also meditation does, and personally I am needing some solitude to process it all. It is all a bit scary, but as you know the unknown always is.  I wont lie you could risk loosing all the illusory roles you have attached to in this life, which is happening to me to some extent, but I think there is a way through it without completely detaching form all obligation and responsibility  and for me it is the practice of humility and reminding myself that I don't know, and whilst not knowing to just do the best with all of my responsibilities until I get more clear.

not sure if this helps, but those are my two cents.

Thanks B Clear. It does help to hear from someone who get it. In the past, chatting about "what is reality" over a cup of coffee was intellectually stimulating. Yet now I don't get deep into it with people in my life. Often, I slip into the machine like behavior - and then I thoughts come like no belief is real or my reality is not the real one. Then I feel like I'm in a foreign world in which I have no control and I don't know what is real. It can be frightening. I like what you said about be present for responsibilities, yet taking time for solitude to process.