Emancipating My Soul

[Zenlife]

This is my first journal/forum entry but I have been watching Leo's videos for over a month now and this forum (and journal) was the perfect place for me to take the next step in my healing journey.

I'm a 42 year old professional, single mom, who has been the target of emotional, physical, sexual, psychological, verbal and financial abuse for most of my life.  My healing journey began about a year ago when the most recent romantic relationship I was involved in had dropped his mask.  After I was able to remove him from my personal space, I took a look around and just starting sobbing.  I had no idea how my "perfect" world that once had me living the "american dream" had now metaphorically resembled Ground Zero the day after the attacks. My hierarchy of needs had been brutally attacked, and the perpetrators were people I called my husband, my father, my brothers.....my friends. 

Little did I know at that time that it wasn't over yet.  There was more devastation and betrayal to come but for the first time in my life I had time alone to think and work on myself.  It seems strange now that at middle age I really never had my own personal space, but I didn't see the pattern of behavior I was caught up in yet.  It would take thousands of hours of research, books, google searches, YouTube videos and self reflection before I found myself on Actualized.org. 

Eventually though the light bulb moments started coming, and once they began rolling in, I saw it.  Like most people who dig deep enough to truly understand how they found themselves at a place in their life where depression had set in, suicidal thoughts seemed reasonable and anger threatened to turn a once attractive, reasonable, intelligent human being into raving lunatic, I got it.  Once I identified the game I was in, and the pawn I had become, I had some startling revelations that broke my heart.

I started by reverse engineering all of my life's events.  I started with the result and worked backwards until I found myself face to face with the fact that I had been an abused child and had been raised by a covert narcissist and a codependent. My bloodline is full of them on both sides. I could build a family tree with not only names in the boxes but with titles like Histrionic Personality Disorder, Anti-Social and Avoidant Dependent written underneath. The way my subconscious programming was set up, I didn't stand a chance until I not only recognized the patterns, but did the work to change them. Once I understood exactly who I was and how I got there, I went full throttle in doing the work to interrupt the patterns and download new beliefs. I didn't know, and still don't, where life will take me from this point forward, but what I do know is that I'm never going back. 

I've come here to Actualized.org to incorporate self development and personal growth into my program of recovery.  I am willing to do and will do whatever it takes to set my soul free and break this sadistic pattern of abuse so that my children grow up connected to "self." I recognize that it takes a village and I welcome the interaction and exchanging of life's trials and triumphs by like minded people on their own journeys.  

Signing off for now.....and as I like to tell the people in my experience......"keep it real or keep moving past me".......Zenlife.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 21, 2016 by Zenlife
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