Redefining Purpose

[So Alguem]

Hi companions!

I'm in a transition. That's giving me so much mind trouble.  

In last years I decided to be a musician, and I was deeply involved in studying music. I decided to be great at it, to have a profound influence in the musical environment and with that transform the culture in my surroundings. I got the technical skill I wanted, my band mates too, and now we're close to start building the reputation we wanted. We are deeply strategic to building this, there is a lot of energy and time involved.

So in the last year I discovered meditation and contemplation - I had already had experiences of expanding consciousness with mushrooms and LSD before that, quite frequently, but I did not know that I could consciously attain these same states without the use of these substances -. As soon as I found out, I began to practice every fucking day. And from the results of meditation and contemplation comes my present question:

My bandmates want success, women, money - we were not aligned from the beginning -. Enter the market and be a great musical product. They believe me as the voice of it. They really believe that I'm going to be one of the biggest vocalists in the country and that this is going to take them to the stars. They think they will solve all the issues of their lives and live fully if that happens. Every conversation about personal development that is indenting of money, women, success, lapses into laughter because they do not take it seriously. We are not tied. I do not want to be part of this anymore. But I realize how much hope they have in me, and how much they believe in happiness within it, and how much their time has involved in it over the last few years. They are people, with their lives, goals, and I committed to them. When I measure this I have a huge weight in dropping them in the hand. I do not want to fuck with all their life planning.

At the same time, I do not want to fuck with me.

Today, for me two things can make deep sense. The first: to build with one's hands a small house on an open ground, far from everything, amidst the trees. Living there with nothing. Just my guitar. Planting my own food, generating my own electricity if necessary is electricity over time. Be self-reliant, alone, taken to the extreme level. Be the provider of everything I need.
The second: Travel taking a ride around the country. Meeting people. listening to their stories, sharing something with then. With the guitar, a tent and some clothes.

Why this things?

I can not truly share this personal development endeavor with anyone. Especially when it comes to enlightenment - it turned to me what makes sense in life -. I see my family break up for small things, curse, feel deep pain for almost nothing, and I can not intervene and help simply because they do not want to. And so it is with practically all the people that I live. it's like I know a secret that I can not tell people because it offends people if I do. I feel this limits my current maximum potential.

I think these two options that I am in beetween, will give me a lot of juice for the substantial understanding of higher states of consciousness and the consolidation of them in my life. For both options I need a lot of courage. I know it can be a way back. In the sense of physical death. Not physical philosophical death - it can be two -, but the risk of dying due to adverse circumstances.

 

Soooooo:

My parents are getting old, and they can die with me on the road, I risk not seeing them anymore. I will not participate in my sister's adolescence. I do not want to fuck the lives of my bandmates. But I do not want to fuck my life either. I need a truck of courage.

What I wrote was a well-summarized summary of what is going on, but I believe you can understand the context.

What do you have to tell me? See, I do not want a final resolution to my problem. Just a conversation, between friends, to clear things up. I'm not throwing responsibility to you.

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS AND KISSES!!!!!!!!!

[kwax]

Sup bro  ill have a stab at this. 

You enter this world on your own. You will leave this world on your own. 
and in between that IS ALL CHAOS.
There are forces we cannot control. Some of them are people (to a certain extent)

Think critically on all those cliche sayings because it will resonate and be relative to each individual who reads it and makes their own meaning of it.
For eg some one of those cliche sayings that comes to my mind is "Life is what YOU want to make it" 

The only thing you will ever have control of is your mind and experience.
To live authentically to me means to have the balls and courage to do and say what you truly believe in and sometimes those beliefs are right and sometimes they are wrong . Sometimes they can help people. And sometimes they can really hurt people and also on yourself. But hey.. thats life and as the New zealand people like to say "such is life" and "You live and you learn" There really is no right or wrong except the wrong just gives you a shitty life experience like jail or some illness because you eat shit and dont exercise.

Follow your bliss man. you only got 1 life (in this dimension anyway  ).

All the answers and advice that you seek... you should put that into your music and create a conversation that helps not just yourself but whoever listens. They might not hear the same msg as you intended but thats just how people are. We are all so different and have our own realities and beliefs and our own paths.

Live by example. Live bold. I understand the bond with family but at the end of the day it really is upto you how important that bond is and what you want out of that family experience and those relationships you have.

I also believe that life is all about relationships. With everyone you meet and the biggest one is with yourself or as some would say.. The EGO.


I could be heaps wrong  So please do take it with a grain of micro lsd... <3

Edited September 18, 2017 by kwax

[So Alguem]

Many thanks for your attention! Really! Reading what you wrote was very good.
I am assimilating and measuring things. As I said, there is confusion in my mind. I think I can only end it by acting. But perhaps the possibilities are more diverse than I was thinking.
While reading you, I thought: If what I hear in my mind is what I really, trully want, why am I not there yet?
Courage has not yet come. It may not be here soon. If it does not come, it is because that is not what is aligned with the abilities that I have today, although I believe in the development of a profound maturity in these ways. it's as if I see and hear inside myself: My God! it's there! That's where I have to go! There is no place where there is more possibility of evolution than there!

I feel that I must bring the state of loving self-observation to the maximum, but that in direct contact with the people around me today is impossible to happen.
As I say this, I am aware that it is not their fault, but rather my incapacity, not knowing how to deal, which I believe today can train if I am deeply alone. I know it sounds paradoxical, but...

I want to love everyone and be able to embrace everyone in their totality as they are, without feeling bad for not helping them, but to be able to enjoy the maximum they can give at the moment. But I feel that there is a lot of delay in my understanding of myself, and that if I want to be able to have that kind of relationship with people, I will only succeed when I have a daily relationship, moment by moment, in these ways with myself - which is what I can keep and what I look for in these works -. I can break my face and maybe realize that I should deal with all this here, on the "battlefield." 

I am truly grateful for your opinion.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@So Alguem  Your true heart's desires are lovely, I totally resonate with them! Here are some questions you could maybe ask yourself, to fully contemplate your choice:

1. Is there a compromise?... a way you could be content and do both? If so, would you truly enjoy that option? (such as a private gypsy caravan along side the band, living a separate life - more your style - offering music in the spirit of collaboration). Would you feel free to explore yourself in this way, or do you require more solitude, & less egos?

2. Is there a way to break up with the band while honoring your authenticity? Is there a way to soften the blow? Such as offering them use of a few of your songs, or finding them the ultimate new voice? Is there a way to detach yourself from their reaction? (such as knowing you make the choice with love, a necessary choice for your evolution)

3. What would your life look like in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years if you chose path "a" or path "b"? (this works best if you take the time to visualize each one, with the band or without, step by step, as you mentally-time-travel-forward in your imagination).

Wishing you the best life you can create!

[So Alguem]

2 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@So Alguem  Your true heart's desires are lovely, I totally resonate with them! Here are some questions you could maybe ask yourself, to fully contemplate your choice:

1. Is there a compromise?... a way you could be content and do both? If so, would you truly enjoy that option? (such as a private gypsy caravan along side the band, living a separate life - more your style - offering music in the spirit of collaboration). Would you feel free to explore yourself in this way, or do you require more solitude, & less egos?

2. Is there a way to break up with the band while honoring your authenticity? Is there a way to soften the blow? Such as offering them use of a few of your songs, or finding them the ultimate new voice? Is there a way to detach yourself from their reaction? (such as knowing you make the choice with love, a necessary choice for your evolution)

3. What would your life look like in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years if you chose path "a" or path "b"? (this works best if you take the time to visualize each one, with the band or without, step by step, as you mentally-time-travel-forward in your imagination).

Wishing you the best life you can create!

Hi! Your questions really caught my heart!
I have left things passive in the last month, "from the outside", observing where my mind has taken me, what my intuition has said, how my body has reacted, without trying to take action to find some answer about it. Just noticing every situation that has happened to my bandmates, and to myself when alone.
I ended up adopting this because of the tiredness I was while trying to be more active in my own questions - I was not able to withstand the emotional punch of a routine of questioning very often, and what they were generating in my relationships to the environment. everything had gone cloudy, without clarity -. Letting go of that will to know has helped me very emotionally and has generated a certain degree of clarity to me, but I think I have now gone to the other extreme, never to make an active questioning.
It may actually be time for a more intentional questioning, a time alone for this, not in a hurry to find answers.
I feel that I've been walking to find my balance of action and non-action !!!!

All the questions that you put me will be inhabiting my head in the next weeks, or months, or maybe years - I do not know how long this will take. Although some answers about it have already passed through my head, it was in a more superficial way and I do not know how much these answers will follow if I investigate more deeply. I remain in a state of still not knowing what to do, including not knowing how to really deal with this state of not knowing, but I'm trying!

Thank you very much for dedicating your time to me! Hugs!

[vibrate]

I would try and work up the courage to tell your band mates that you want out. And then I'd go travel.

As someone who made life decisions based on the wellbeing of others for far too long and lost most energy to a very successfull, but pretty pointless career I would advise you to listen closely and then do what your intuition is telling you. I'd heard all along. I just chose to look the other way, I chose to try to fit in to fulfill societys expections. None of it worked. Then it took even more courage to break out and shake it all off.

You have both no time and all the time in the world! Since I don't know where I will end up, I focus of getting rid of the things I know I don't want. That has so far been: My marriage, my career, my house, a lot of distractions, a lot of stuff. I'm in the process of becoming a minimalist and I feel that the more stuff I rid myself off, the more the real "me" is able to emerge.

Looking back I'm not sure if I would find the courage again to do all that. It for sure was a very lonely process and I had to let go of a ton of illusions and fantasy-versions of myself. Though the first phase of depression is over for now, I emerged on the other side and would say that I'm a fair bit happier than before.

[smd]

@So Alguem For me, it looks like you're trying to sabotage your success by quitting just before the real work begins.  This will be a huge letdown for your team and perhaps the world, if you have a gift you're not going to share with it.

[Slade]

@So Alguem It sounds to me like you want to help the people around you and also help yourself, yes? How can you help others if you're being held back? I think one of the best ways to decide what you should do is to visualize being on your deathbed and look back at this moment in your life. What would your 90yr old self tell you to do? Follow your intuition. 

[So Alguem]

@vibrate Thanks for sharing some of your story. Great to read someone who made similar decisions and what the results were. He turned my attention toward intuition. I really admire your courage! I would really like to know more about your detachment process from all these things and from your old way of living.

@smd  We are really at the door, things are starting to happen for us - in a much smaller spectrum than the expectation of my colleagues' country, but with well-founded results that do not go back - and I think I have a lot to share with this experience exchange with the music. But today for me, the matrix in which I would share this, would be on the street, in direct contact with people, not in the quest to aggregate an audience intentionally, to interact with bar owners, to be on a stage, to get in touch with a media and be a symbol of something.
I do not rule out the possibility of doing so 20 years from now, with much more wisdom added and the ability to use this type of format as a tool to expand as much people as possible on issues of conscience.
But if that happens today, I do not see myself as capable of dealing with it. I do not have the ability to communicate what I perceive in a universal and didactic way. I'm going to confuse people, get in the way. That's what I feel.
Exposure to socialization as it is generally makes it difficult for me to be at peace and really grounded in what I will call here the greater self. My ability to perceive reality is affected, and there I accumulate many misunderstandings. So I believe that, in this moment of life, instead of helping, I will disturb.

@Slade Exactly. As I help myself, I want to try to somehow help people access what I came to when I realize that they are in conflict.
But you know what I was thinking? I can not be pulled back because of it. I think this is a call to pull me forward, if analyzed with other eyes. it is a learning to deal with the suffering of the other when he does not want to leave this suffering, a call to improve my ability to communicate, and to love even the one who pulls me back, to understand him in his totality. It may sound cliche this, but I really got it that way. All these people have an effective participation in what I have told you now, even if they do not know. These people have an effective participation in my personal development, in my search, even if they do not access this search. All you commenting on here have, and I'm able to be very grateful to that, really. So why can not I fortify this gratitude with those who are in my company at times when things are difficult? They are perceptions and questions, I do not live like this all the time yet, but it is a way. Still, after all that I wrote, when I see myself 90 years old looking back, I feel that isolation - temporary - could be a great thing.

 

@TOALLYOUWHOCOMMENT

I'm trying to reconcile things. I'm going to a town next to mine during the week, where there's a lot of countryside. I spend the whole day at the waterfall, meditating, contemplating, writing, doing exercises of gratitude. When I go out, I interact with all the people there. I live in a place where the cities of the turn have a very easy access to nature, forest, waterfall, etc. I'm going to do a "tour" - not playing, but only in search of isolated places to spend the day - in the surroundings. The days I've done this have brought me incredible clarity. I told my bandmates that it was not possible if I did not have the time to spend in nature and they accepted. So for now it was "experiencing the two worlds" and realizing what happens.

 

An infinite thank you to all of you! <3

[smd]

@So Alguem You might want to consider this a one in a lifetime deal.  The opportunity may never appear again, so in 20 years you'll be too tired to act on it, or the music will have changed to something unusual.  The time is now.  I'd love to have had such an opportunity when I was younger.  I'm more of a loner, free to do what he wants & nobody pays much attention to me...hahah...It sounds very much like you want to be like me.  It's actually very easy to accomplish, compared to your own situation where you have put forth all of this labor & effort.  But I can't understand why anyone would choose to be that way...   Good luck.