What Is The Approach In Order To Change/grow Someone?

[7thLetter]

This has been a question that I have always been curious of, because I often find myself trying to change people in my life. Even though, I probably shouldn't be doing that. But I do anyway, and it's because I'm over here growing myself, reaching higher levels of development while the people in my life aren't doing the same and that leaves them at the same level of development, and leaving them as the same person they were a year ago. I'm just someone who wants friends who are at the same or higher levels of development as me so I end up trying to change my friends.

The approach that I've been using if I intentionally want to change someone is that I try to smack them over the head with it. I tell them to watch this video, or that video, do this do that, and point out their flaws, but then they end up becoming all defensive. They start justifying, they laugh, they get defensive and come at me with a comeback, etc. This happens even though I'm not judging them, all I'm trying to do is push them and help them out. And with doing this, this ends up appearing like I'm pushing them away in my life, to a point where we aren't even friends anymore.

But I might be answering my own question here, I find that its probably more effective if you just socialize with them about this personal-development material instead of hitting them over the head with it. There's a saying that you become the 5 people you surround yourself with. And I believe that is true and it happens sub-consciously. You start dressing like them, talking like them, walking like them, etc.

So the first approach I listed, is probably something that I do when I get the feeling that they aren't growing as fast, and that's my short-term thinking saying "Hey, he's not growing fast enough! Grow faster!" And the second approach is with no intention of changing them, and would be a longer-term approach to helping them change. Funny how I'm realizing all of this as I'm writing this post.

If anyone has anything else to add that would be very much appreciated.

Edited September 16, 2017 by 7thLetter

[Donald]

@7thLetter That's a struggle in and on itself. You cannot control another person's behavior, but you can influence. I remember couple of years ago trying to do the same. Try to accept them as they are. Being a perfectionist on others more often then not means that you're a perfectionis with yourself.

I know it's hard to see your friends eating Cheetos and watching Tv, but it's better to accept and move on. Except to be alone in this journey. 

[aurum]

@7thLetter

I'll answer your question with a real life story of mine.

Around 3 years ago I was going really hard at learning pickup. I had this one friend who I knew had potential, but he had a ton of limiting beliefs around learning game. I briefly tried to talk logic to him, but just like in your experience, it didn't work.

So I decided to try something different. I stopped attempting to convince him and instead committed to leading by example by embodying everything I was trying to teach him. I knew that if he could see what I was doing was working, he would change his mind.

It worked. Every time we went out, he couldn't deny the success I was getting and so he slowly started coming around.

Now not only does he has an awesome dating life, he basically 10edx his charisma and has become a more confident, secure and happy person since then.

The personal development / game group I help run works on the same principle. People who come to us get inspired not because we lecture at them, but because we attempt to embody what we teach.

When you do that, suddenly your friends will be coming up to you and asking for advice. But it doesn't happen unless we can let go of that need to be right and change people to fit our expectations of who they should be.

[Spiral]

Don't even try, find new people.

[The Monk]

@7thLetter There's a nice little analogy that I'd like to give you about changing people. That was given to me since, I was making the same silly mistake. 

Trying to change someone that very clearly doesn't want to change or be changed by others is like giving a lecture on how to be a nice person to a Cobra. So you start thinking to yourself I wonder if he will be a nice person? Nope, you messed up.  You wasted your time giving the lecture and you annoyed the snake so it bit you. 

If you want to change someone you must first ask yourself: 

• Does the person really want to change and take the advice that I'm giving him/her and apply it to their own lives? 
• Does this person's body language and emotions and speech indicate that? 

If not you should go home. It's better speaking to a rock, at least it won't lash out at you once you it gets annoyed by you  trying to change it.  

 

[RichardY]

"What Is The Approach In Order To Change/grow Someone?" Cage Match? Why would you want to?

[Toby]

So you judge them as wrong and offer a solution how to be right and you wonder why they get annoyed? I'm not a psychic but I'm pretty sure this is a normal and healthy reaction.

[7thLetter]

@Toby I did not say I judged them, its more like I'm trying to push them out of their comfort zone. But sure maybe it appears as if I'm judging them from their point of view. And in my opinion yes that is a normal reaction of the ego, but healthy? I would say that is linked to neurosis. Correct me if I'm wrong but developed people don't care what others think so they would brush it off. Plus they are too in control of their emotions to be annoyed. Calling it normal is like saying going to school and working a job for the rest of your life is 'normal' because the majority of people do it. But is that healthy? No because people hate their jobs and often get depressed. The better solution to that is to make your own money through a business or your life purpose like Leo often mentions.

[7thLetter]

@aurum Thanks I appreciate the post, glad that I found the answer to my post, which is to lead by example. And yeah haha it can get frustrating with all the newbies with approach anxiety struggling to get their first approach so it gets to a point where we start to talk some sense into them. But I'm gaming tomorrow for the first time in a year, wonder how that will go.

[YaNanNallari]

To change someone give them very basic and easy to understand advice. You can get far with that if you know what you're talking about. The last thing you want to do is make it seem like an argument when teaching them something. Also you seem to not have learned how stubborn people are yet. Most people can't take any relevant advice and are very neurotic. They don't want to change either. I like to teach things in a very charismatic way if possible to show them it works.

This could also help you, because tbh seems like you're quite blunt.

 

[ajasatya]

On 9/16/2017 at 1:39 AM, 7thLetter said:

What Is The Approach In Order To Change/grow Someone?

listen to him/her.

ask, relax your body, make eye contact, breathe consciously and listen very deeply.

[Emerald]

Think of how you feel when a religious person tries to convert you to their religion. And think of what good intentions they have because they see you as a lost soul and want to throw you a life raft. You may not recognize it as such, but this is the same thing that you're doing to the people in your life when you try to change them: both short term and long term. You're trying to convert the heathens and heretics. Just accept that your life path is your own and no one else's. There is no way to do it wrong.

[smd]

How I learned it is that I would hear of something in self-development that I liked & then I told my friends about it.  But later on, I thought it was a dumb idea & no longer agreed with that strategy.  Other times, I could see they thought I was a nut merely on the suggestion.  

So at that point, I didn't bother mentioning it anymore.  The only lead by example I can see is when for instance, someone mentions to you that they're having issues with cholesterol & the pills don't work.  I then point them to the "What the Health" documentary & tell them how I've become mostly vegetarian & they'll try it themselves & are glad for that.

Or if they see how much I've made from stock investing, they'll ask me about that.  People want to see results & they have to have an interest.  Some of my friends don't care, so I'm not going to push them.  They don't have to be clones of myself to be appreciated.

[Source_Mystic]

 

I worked in Transitional living shelter  for two years and helped run 5 programs from (Nonresidential)  homeless services and resources to In house counseling and outreach as well as extended services after people left.

You know what I learned in that time. No one changes a person that does not want to change. People when they want to change and are ready  will seek out environments and people who will facilitate that. Then you can help them not before.

The simple answer is, you do not change does not happen because of outside pressure it happens internally. It is a personal choice of the individual.

The most you can do is gently nudge them until they are ready to see that they need to stop the destructive cycles of their life.