I'm Attracted To Emotionally Damaged Women...

[MiracleMan]

So I've been single for over 3 years now, I made the mistake of talking to my ex recently and found out they cheated on me during our relationship.  It didn't upset me, it was more of like "Yeah that seems typical" and it's true.  A lot women I've had relationships with have never been the open sort, but they've always been the type of women I preferred to have around, they were all pretty amazing in bed with some exceptions, and I don't know how I do it, but I always look for the "bad girl" and any chick I meet who might actually be a decent fucking human being is just always unattractive to me.  So a lot of these girls I've been with have cheated, I think monogamy is either a thing of the past, or I'm lying to myself and so afraid of being with someone "for life."  I'm not a typical guy in a sense that I don't want to fuck everything and anything, but I have my own problems when it's comes to healthy sexuality.

I'm always worried about a girl not being able to satisfy me on both an emotional and physical level.  I'm worried about being with a "nice girl" because I don't want to hurt her.  Every time I see a woman like that I just have this fear of "I don't want to break her heart and cause her pain."  

So I feel attracted to other type of girl, the one more likely to handle rejection but also more likely to reject me or cheat on me.  So I don't feel like I've been single for 3 years, I feel like the wounds of my past relationship are still fresh, I still feel on edge that someone is out to hurt me and if I don't choose correctly I've gotta go through all that pain all over again.

I feel this is why my spiritual practice and personal development is so important, because I want to reflect a healthy energy in order to attract someone who is going to be good to me.  I feel like being in this state, believing I'm in a fixed position, if I'm feeling low quality and negative all the time I'm going to attract negative situations, especially romantically.

Maybe I need to work on myself a bit more before I put myself back on the market.  Because these past 3 years I've been in a state of anger, resentment, and self pity, and I'm still dealing with fruit of those seeds right now.  Only in the past few months have I really amped up the meditation and exercise, and maybe I need to cultivate that a bit more to sort of unwind a lot of negativity still present.

[MiracleMan]

And I kind of regret the post now, but ill leave it.  I think most of this is just my ego thrashing about, and I'm too concerned about whats mine and what is going to be taken away, what I might or gain or lose, how I might try to win in a no win scenario.

[ElenaO]

I actually thought that it's great that you posted about it. It seems like you understand your problem quite well. Or at least you see "what's wrong".
So you are afraid of "hurting" some other human being. Why so? How could/would you hurt her? Do you mean that you are afraid you might cheat on her yourself? Or what else?

In fact, you cannot influence how another person feels. If you relationship doesn't work, so be it. Life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Not everything works as we desire always. 

[Emerald]

I think you put it well, when you say that you're not attracted to healthiness. So, you must create psychological health in yourself to attract and be attracted to psychologically healthy women. So, it's a matter of doing deep inner work.

[MiracleMan]

I think the insight I'm having here is that I'm going for women that reflect my own inner turmoil.  I'm matching up with other neurotic individuals I think what really frightens me is being with someone who actually has their shit together because mentally I do not, and I don't want to cause them pain because of my own.  I've never cheated on someone even though I've had the opportunity to do so in the past.  I'm not incapable of it though, I won't pretend I could never make that mistake.  

I think I'll take my practice a bit further and try to get to the root of the neurotic and narcissistic behavior, because really dating has never been this difficult for me, it used to come quite naturally.  And I'm stuck in loops of self judgement and anxiety, always watching every move I make so as not to make a mistake.  I'm starting to realize the duality in this, "I" am judging my "self" and it's causing a lot physical symptoms not to mention monkey mind 16 hours a day, from the time I wake until I sleep.  I know it's also not that simple, and really what I'm starting to do is just commit to the meditation and yoga practice just for the sake of it and not focus so much on outcomes, actually not at all, because life tends to punch me in the face repeatedly and often when I try to force it to my design.

I can't help but feel like people just want to stay away from me, like they can feel my negativity and just are naturally repelled by me.  Of course, this is slightly delusional because I don't know it as fact, and lately I try not to trust my intuition because again, it's reflection of how much I try to control and dominate life when the physical and mental pain in my body is a marker for telling me how much I'm not in control.  Really, I'm learning this shit the hard way, I can't win through brute force, I can't find the "perfect" woman for me because it's a fabrication of the ego that wants everything.

[Heart of Space]

I relate to this as well.  If I intuit a girl is a little bit emotional damaged she instantly gets like 120% sexier.  I'm talking the type of girl that if you fail to have sex with her at least 3 times a day she accuses you of being gay.  Good times.  

God speed, OP.  God speed.  

[pluto]

We attract what we are. We need to learn from it and change to grow past that level in order to attract better or the attraction we desire.

 

[smd]

@ElenaO I was thinking about this as well. He's saying he's afraid of hurting the "good girl".  It implies that he is also a cheater.  Otherwise, how else do you hurt someone?  How do you hurt the nice girl with the loyalty and goodness she's giving you?

The thing is: once a cheat, always a cheat.  If you're cheating and attracted only to cheaters, well it looks like it's in the brain wiring.  I'm not sure how you can get out of it because to get out of it means you would have to settle for the good girl, for whom you cannot stand.

 

[Forestluv]

My tendency is to be attracted to the "bad girl". Sometimes I am into her and open up my heart and become vulnerable. This inevitably ends with a broken heart and sorrow. I have also dated the "good girl" that is emotionally available, supportive, wants deeper levels of intimacy and is totally into me. Generally, I am less open and vulnerable here. Perhaps I feel smothered - I'm just not into. It's not just a fear of intimacy - sometimes I feel like I am dating my mom!

I also do not want to hurt her and I have let relationships go on for too long to avoid hurting her.

During the after glow of one of my psychedelic trips, I was feeling particularly empathetic. In this case to myself (which was odd). I connected with that sweet, vulnerable persona within me and how much it had been hurt by others. And I'm not just talking breakups. I'm talking opening my heart and this sweet vulnerable persona. Experiencing love and connection . . and then one day literally walking in on her with another guy. That part of me hurt so much, yet I put it aside and thought things like "This is about her. She is just acting out based on her genetics and physiology. Don't take it personally. Be compassionate toward her". And that sweet side got put aside and I would just go through the motions with the next gal. During the trip, I really experienced the sorrow - full-on tears. And became compassionate for that part of me.

On the other hand, part of me thinks "There is no "me". It is just an illusion. This is all just another story you tell yourself and use to create a false self". Regardless, it remains a story that causes emotions and shapes my behavior.

[smd]

@Serotoninluv There should've been signs that she would cheat on you.  Have you ever checked out Doc Love or the other dating coaches?  If you did you would know when she was becoming distant & could avoid walking in to see some other guy pumping her.   When I can tell that a woman is like this, there is no masking the illusion.  I can't pretend & look away from it.  She'll have to leave because sticking around is just engaging in temporary fantasy land.

There should've been all kinds of red flags popping up before that door was opened.

[Forestluv]

smd, for sure it was a delusion. And there were red flags. For example, several times she told me how wonderful I was and that she didn't want to hold me back from finding someone who deserved me. She would say she didn't deserve me and actually encouraged me to leave her a few times. I thought she just had low self-esteem. I couldn't see that she was guilt-ridden.

After we broke up, a year went by with no contact. I moved on and was dating someone else. Then, I get a call from her out of the blue. She tells me she has brain cancer and will be undergoing brain surgery the next week. She said she has felt awful for what she did and apologized. She said she didn't know if she would survive the surgery and if there was an afterlife she didn't want to carry this with her. . . I was like - holy shit - there is no need to be concerned about me. Let it go and experience your last week without any guilt and remorse. (She was so manipulative that I actually checked out the story and it was true).

 

[smd]

@Serotoninluv Wow.  That's a real mindblower.  Did she survive?

[Forestluv]

It's even more of a mindblower. The previous night her boyfriend blew his brains out in their basement. (I also checked this out and it was true).

Yep, she survived and is still alive today. We are friends on FB. She seems to be doing OK.

[smd]

@Serotoninluv He blew his brains out because he thought he was losing her?  Or was he just crazy?   That's too extreme in either case.

 

Damn.  I'm getting a 90 second time limit on posting.  I guess it's time to crawl back whence I came... 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Good job!!

The most important thing is to work on yourself. The rest will fucking follow you!

Do not seek hot girls; let hot girls seek you.

[merimo28]

I think that you should skip her, find another without emotionally damage.

[Kaity]

@MiracleMan

Dude, you're the male version of me! The primary reason why i'm probably attracted to "damaged" guys is because of the environment I grew up in. I didn't really get to see too much happy, fit or healthy-minded guys so my "standards" have been shaped in a weird way. Also, I started reading books and watching movies that I was too young for and developed strong connection towards these "damaged" characters.
I do not think that this aspect is really fixable though because it's very hard to control what you're authentically attracted to. On the theoretical level, sure I really want to text back that nice, good-looking guy that seems perfect for me, but I have 0 attraction towards those types and it usually never works out. Idk, maybe I have over-romanticized these difficult characters at a very young age and it's too late to get out of it now. But who knows. Keep us updated if you discover the ways  

[MiracleMan]

13 hours ago, Kaity said:

@MiracleMan

Dude, you're the male version of me! The primary reason why i'm probably attracted to "damaged" guys is because of the environment I grew up in. I didn't really get to see too much happy, fit or healthy-minded guys so my "standards" have been shaped in a weird way. Also, I started reading books and watching movies that I was too young for and developed strong connection towards these "damaged" characters.
I do not think that this aspect is really fixable though because it's very hard to control what you're authentically attracted to. On the theoretical level, sure I really want to text back that nice, good-looking guy that seems perfect for me, but I have 0 attraction towards those types and it usually never works out. Idk, maybe I have over-romanticized these difficult characters at a very young age and it's too late to get out of it now. But who knows. Keep us updated if you discover the ways  

I think my problem stems from looking for a partner for a sense of completion, and the people I'm attracted to match my own frame of mind.  I think it's really an elaborate story the ego tells itself: surviving trauma and conditioning at a young age, being the one who is cast away and broken hearted, the hopeless romantic looking for redemption from past relationships gone bad.  The narrative fits the patterns I've followed, and I catch my mind all the time adding in more layers to the narrative.

I used to psychoanalyze myself constantly and find problem after problem to fix, and this can and will go on indefinitely because the mind has an infinite amount of resources to keep the story going.  So lately I've boiled everything down to one problem only: the mind itself.  Step out of its way and the story no longer holds any weight.  Easier said than done, because my conditioning started as a seed, which is now a tree, and the mind has so much momentum its hard to keep my head above water, it's hard to not look at the mind with disinterest because there are just so many loops playing at once, it drains your battery for sure.

As this relates to relationships, it's really the mind itself that is the problem, lose interest in the story lines that it weaves and maybe some space will open up for something truly new.  If you're watching yourself constantly you'll catch on to the fact that it's all old news, those stories, they haven't changed much since you were a kid and this is the "exhibit A" i was looking for along, the big kahuna.  It's all a repetitive loop that keeps me more and more bonded to a false identity:  being the hopeless one, the one who finds only pain in relationships in the end, never being good enough, etc.  There's a bunch of "me's" and several "I's" in there, lately I've been questioning why I have so many identities and problems.  I'm starting to believe that a lot of it is just bullshit, it doesn't pass the sniff test for me anymore, and I'm starting to take women less and less seriously, as I'm taking life less and less seriously.  I think I'll be happy now, instead of waiting for a false reality I've made up in my mind in some future that will never come to be.

[ajasatya]

@MiracleMan @Kaity attraction to emotionally damaged partner comes from a lack of self love. since you undervalue yourself, you can't imagine yourself being valuable to a healthy partner. and then ego comes into play with the neediness for the approval of someone else. so you imagine yourself with an emotionally damaged partner because he/she is already in deep shit. "how can it get worse than that? of course i will be a positive thing in his/her life. then i'll be appreciated as a good person and loved as i want to be."

[phoenix666]

know looking back I see that pattern in me as well. I've always been attracted to emotionally damaged people. never to the 'good, healthy' ones. I can see that it's coming from a lack of self love, self worth/esteem/appreciation. I guess the answer lies in looking inwards, finding self love..