Intimacy In Friendships

[Akshay]

Is it okay to have intimacy in friendship? 

[Max_V]

Why not? But when things go so far, question if you don't want to go a step further witht the person.

[Spiral]

I don't mind, but if you really want to keep the friendship, I would avoid it.

[abgespaced]

@Akshay

What do you want?

[Akshay]

@Mad Max  @abgespaced I have thought numerous times about backing out of intimacy in the past but at those times I thought if I am getting this intimacy in friendship without any commitment, then why not, let's continue this. But with time, it really stated feeling like there should be more to this. Of course if you spent a good day together, come back and then don't talk for a day or two, it really feels lonely. But now I guess it's time to cut the intimacy as I don't see a future here. But after spending like 4-5 months like this, how Should I deal with the loneliness and discomfort which will come with making this decision of no intimacy. If you are attached to a person, backing off really takes time I guess. It's a harsh process!

[Akshay]

@Mad Max Thanks..!Great Advice man! 

[Annie]

11 hours ago, Akshay said:

I of course started ignoring her then on the intimacy front but after that she became more attached to me, hugging and kissing, holding hands for hours like couples! She said earlier I used to judge  you but now it's cool. All this happened after I became more detached from her on the intimacy front! And it still goes on like this. She tries to make me jealous or feels jealous every time I talk or mention any other girl!

Could it be she's simply enjoying your attention and does these things to get an ego-boost?

[Akshay]

Definitely! It is a part of her playing games. And also, being with her, I also started acting like her, demanding attention, so the ego also has a part to play in this. I once listened to Eckhart Tolle's love hate relationship recording. In that he tells whenever we feel empty, our ego blames that the other person is responsible for our problems. These relationships are like drugs he said. When it is available, we are on a high and when not, our ego demands attention.

So I am just trying now to break free from this addiction!

[Annie]

@Akshay How about you simply tell her to stop playing games and stop flirting with you if she's not interested in you "that way"? Tell her it screws you up and you want to maintain a good relationship to her but if she really considers you a friend she sure doesn't want you to be hurt. Just be honest with her.

[Akshay]

23 minutes ago, Annie said:

@Akshay How about you simply tell her to stop playing games and stop flirting with you if she's not interested in you "that way"? Tell her it screws you up and you want to maintain a good relationship to her but if she really considers you a friend she sure doesn't want you to be hurt. Just be honest with her.

Yes i guess that will be my approach now onwards!

[Akshay]

@Mad Max Now that I have drastically reduced the contact with the person whom I used to be intimate with, I am having withdrawal symptoms! An inner part of me want to connects with that person again! The feeling is like I will feel somewhat happy if I talk to her but another part of me knows it's a trap! Have you ever experienced this type of feeling where some days you are happy but some days you just have these emotional feelings clogging your mind, you have stuff to do but you can't do it because of these feelings! What can I do to about these withdrawal symptoms to ensure I don't go back and be in the trap again!

[smd]

@Akshay You fell in love.  You pushed her away and that just makes you want her more.  She was rejecting you when she said she didn't want to dump this other guy but you telling her "I love you" is what pushed her away.  Why didn't you just leave things as they were instead of trying to escalate?  The strong emotions probably drove her right into the arms of the other man.

Also, having sex with a woman doesn't really make you friends.  Men & women can never be friends.  That's like thinking a spider is your friend.  The nature of sexuality & male/female relations will bite you in the ass eventually.

You need to read or listen to Doc Love or several of the other love doctors out there on how relationships work.  For instance, if you decide to chase her because you are needy ("withdrawal symptoms") then she will think even less of you than she already does.  All you can do now is walk away & wait to hear from her.  Try to find somebody else.

Doc Love would call your case a "Cleanup job", because you did everything wrong.  You didn't ask her out nor show you were challenge.  You just happened to be nearby & boinked. No mystery. No challenge.  Neediness & desperation. Throw sex into the mix & it all spells colossal failure.  It'll never work at this point.  Imagine how awful it would've been if you got her pregnant & had to pay 20 years of child support for a woman that doesn't like you.

Edited September 25, 2017 by smd
typo

[Akshay]

@smd Its not as deep as you went. We never had sex. As i said, to free myself out of emotions, i told her i love you. Before that we just cuddled, holding hands and stuff. But things start to happen just after i said her i love you. After sensing something is wrong, i backed off and then she just got more and more intense, telling me i love u and i have developed feelings for you. And unconscious as i was back then, i continued in the relationship and things got intense, we started hugging each other, kissing and touching. But as i realized the relationship isn't going anywhere i finally made a decision to have as little contact with her as possible. And now she is like why are you ignoring me and i just don't have an answer. Now that i am becoming more aware of the facts and connecting the dots in my life and past relationships, i have discovered i am a recovering co dependent and was attracted to a narcissist. I did some research on that, watched ross rosenberg's videos and all that he was saying was matching my current  relationship with her. He mentioned after a co dependent leaves a narcissist he will have withdrawal symptoms of loneliness which i am now experiencing and want help to get out of them!

[smd]

@Akshay Is that a clinical diagnosis?  This talk of labels is going too far.  You're saying you're co-dependent & she's a narcissist?   I don't follow the logic of that.  You say this girl likes you & you don't like her.  

Physical touch builds attraction, so if you were friends you wouldn't be touching like that.   So the opposite is true: If she's telling you that she loves you, and it has pushed you away.  You just need to tell her that she's going too fast & you're not ready and you don't have the same feelings.  I wouldn't tell her she's a naricissist though.   Eventually those feelings are going to wear off on her & you will become an Ex.

If she's crazy for you, then you appear to have practice the push-pull technique on her without realizing it.  Bringing her close with the physical contact & then pushing her way without being interested.  You can drive somebody crazy doing that.

Edited September 25, 2017 by smd
typo

[Akshay]

@smd Yes a co dependent is someone who will always be attracted to a narcissist and when unconscious of this behaviours, will follow the narcissist and sacrifice himself. That was kinda what I was doing when I was not aware what was happening in this relationship! Now that I am aware, I have reduced the contact with her. And of course once you reduce the contact with someone whom you were intimate with, consequences follow. She's mad at me now ignoring her, not taking her calls, and I am here sometimes dealing with the loneliness that has come as a result of me taking that decision and taking care of myself and practicing self love so that in the future I do not attract any dysfunctional or abusive relationships !

Edited September 25, 2017 by Akshay
Type

[smd]

Also, missing someone that you're no longer seeing is a normal reaction.  That isn't co-dependent behavior.  If you're not seeing her anymore, she gave you the gift of missing her.  That's what happens when people leave your life or you leave theirs.  Sorry for the brevity but I'm at work now & can no longer engage on this issue.  Good luck!

[Akshay]

@Mad Max Thanks for the advice! I needed that !

[smd]

@Akshay Interesting.  When I look up narcissist, the symptoms look like they could fit anyone.  I actually hate using labels for other people & would rather look at the situation instead of a series of behavioral patterns.

I mean just having an interest in somebody, or lack of interest, doesn't make you co-dependent.

As for dysfunctional/abusive relationships, I'm not really sure how you can get away from that.  Nobody is perfect!  Haven't you noticed how there's always at least one parent out of the two that have some sort of dysfunction?  For some, it's the Mom, for others, the Dad.

If she's not draining your bank account dry then you have one of the good ones.

[smd]

@Mad Max Coach Corey Wayne calls it giving the gift of missing you.  It's very common for me to hear from men & women that haven't seen me in awhile telling me that they were thinking about me or wondering where I've been. Translation: they were missing me.  That's the gift: your absence puts your presence in their heads.  So when I run into someone like that & they bring that up, then I know that I've been in their mind.  It really helps you figure out who your friends & potential interests are.

I don't think I'd judge someone as codependent unless they were in a years long relationship in which such examples are made manifest over & over.  I don't think a tryst qualifies.  I mean, you missing someone you never had sex with is, sounds more like neediness.  Many men are needy in their youth, it's part of being young & inexperienced.  You just grow out of it, like most things in life. 

[Mondsee]

On 11/9/2017 at 11:31 PM, Akshay said:

Is it okay to have intimacy in friendship? 

IMO "is it ok?" is the wrong question. OK according to who? To the church? To your parents? To society? To you? To her? Reformulate your question. I guess you rather wanted to know if it's going to work, i.e. if your friendship is going to last even if you're intimate.

I think generally at least one side starts developing feelings for the other, and if it is only from that one side, then usually it doesn't become anything serious, and the friendship breaks apart too. That being said, I know first hand it can work.

If both of you are very mature and not needy at all, and it is kind of a sporadic thing (meaning that it doesn't become a routine), then yes, it can work and it can bring the friendship to a whole 'nother level because intimacy is the deepest level of trust you can share with someone else.

Consider these as a couple litmus tests:

1. To check if it's really remaining as a friendship: the intimacy episode(s) you've shared won't become the center of your relationship.

2. To check if you're both mature about it: you probably won't be cheating on anyone, nor will any of you be even dating another person, probably you won't have the feeling that what you've had is top secret and something you have to hide. Also, you will be highly communicative and open to each other, and you won't feel shy to express whatever it is you have to say.

3. Finally, the most important one of all, to check if it "is ok" as you put it: it will feel absolutely right to you and to your friend, so both of you will have a sharp ear to listen what your intuition is telling you, and even sense if the other one is feeling the same way as you are. It is enough that one of you feels like there's something wrong, for the whole thing to actually be wrong. This last point alone is the absolute key. Don't ask other people if it is ok, ask yourself and let your intuition give you answers, and be careful not to confuse answers from your intuition with answers from your mind. They're not the same. Your mind can be telling you that "it feels right" but your intuition will let you know if that's a true or a false statement.