How To Resolve Childhood Trauma??

[Santiago]

So, after many years of introspection, reading, watching videos, writing my emotions and observing my behaviors I came to the conclusion that I feel worthless, I feel like I can't be good enough and that I don't deserve to be loved, and this is why my life sucks.
 

This invades every aspect of my life, I have observed many behaviors I have adopted, and many of them are silly. When walking in the street I noticed that whenever I am about to pass next to someone many times I look at their eyes for a couple seconds and I think I do this just because I feel judged by them or if it's a girl I want to see if she is checking me out, at the gym I care if people are "admiring" my heavy lifts, when I cross the street running I worry if my run was clumsy or not and what could the drivers have thought, it's ridiculous, I could go on forever with hundreds of stupid behaviors... whatever I do or say or feel comes from this desperate place of seeking approval or wanting to fulfill that emotional hole.

But it gets worse, when I am studying I never give 100%, I am too afraid of giving my best and not being good enough, so I am about to graduate as engineer studying in a mediocre way, leaving everything until the last days and then studying the subject in 2 days...

At work I feel I am the worst employee, I am a programmer and I think I code too slow, like my coworkers are faster than me to resolve things (the reality is that I have no way to tell if this is true or not). It's called imposter syndrome I think.

I am 26 years old and never had a girlfriend, I am terrified of falling in love, because I would have to open myself up to that person and I don't feel worthy of love, what would she see in me?? Even tho consciously I know I have many attractive traits a woman could like I still feel worthless. I don't feel capable of making someone happy, what could they see in me?


I can't keep living like this...

Yesterday I had a huge emotional moment when I went to watch cirque du soleil, I saw all this talented artists enjoying their life and their work and I wondered about my life and suddenly noticed how miserable I was, I imagined myself as an engineer in 2 years and I thought of myself being clueless, not being capable of working as engineer, afraid.

Then it hit me hard: all my life I have been living from this place of worthlessness, when I say something I am wondering what other people will think of it, it's so exhausting I can't take it anymore, I live like a zombie.


All this traces back to my childhood, my parents weren't there for me, I mean they kinda were but not in the way that a kid needs it, and also my older brother(5 years older) used to tell me all the time that I was useless, that I was doing it wrong, every time my parents asked me to do something he would say this to me, or complaint that I didn't do it right. He was, like me, a victim too, and he felt like throwing me down just to see if my parents would give him more love.
And the problem is that he was 5 years older than me so he always won in fights and competitions, confirming even more my idea that I was stupid, useless, worthless and a fail at life.

Now that I know what is going on, how do I solve this childhood problems??

[sgn]

@Mad Max Thoughts? You seem to know about these things

@Santiago You might be suffering from toxic shame from childhood. Many children will experience this shame at times when they're being yelled at. But some get stuck with the shame. Going around feeling like this all the time and believing you should be ashamed of yourself.
This shame makes you feel flawed as a human being.
This shame spills over on everything. Numbing your emotions. Leading to perfectionistic thinking about yourself and think others are perfectionistic about you too.

Did you feel like you were not unconditionally loved as a child? That you got love when you did "good" and was unloved and abandoned when you did "bad"? Making you believe that you only deserve love, acceptance, respect etc if you prove you are worthy of it and deserve it. You might have experienced that you were emotionally abandoned at times. Even if your parents might be there physically, they were not there emotionally. Only when you were a "good boy".
This leading you to feel that you are not worthy of love, acceptance etc and that you must prove that you are. And because you see yourself that way, you assume this is how others also think of you. Always something to prove.
Do you think others can accept you just for being human or that you must do something to win them over?
And how do you feel with friends? Do you think that one little "wrong-doing" might make them to stop accepting you, think bad of you, shame you and leave you? Do you fear people's anger?

You become co-dependent. Imagine a drug-addict who is dependent on the person who gives them drugs.
They only feel some pleasure when someone else gives this to them. And they're willing to do whatever to get it. To just feel something.
But just as a drug-addict, if  you don't love yourself you have this emotional need that needs to be fullfilled and you don't feel that you can get it from yourself.
So you become dependent on others to give it to you just so you can feel something. And you become a people pleaser, so you can experience a momentary sense of self-love, self-respect, self-acceptance, self-worth etc.

Read up on shame and inner child.
Take help from a therapist and from 12-step programs if you are ready for that.
I'm planning to give this a shot.

See the thread I made about 12-step programs.

 

Edited September 11, 2017 by sgn

[Girzo]

Man, I am sending you love, tons of love, rays of warm light through your computer screen. And I'm not gay.  Because I know what you are feeling, I feel the same, my parents were often distant, literally and metaphorically.

To resolve that problem I am currently doing self-love practice based on Leo's video about self-acceptance. I have set up timer for an every day of the week to help me remember about it.

I have heard that these books are great. Haven't got time to read them yet.

• The Dark Side of the Inner Child by Stephen Wolinsky
• The Family by John Bradshaw (almost all his books are on topic and might be helpful for you)

[ajasatya]

@Santiago i don't have much to say. i've read some of your posts and i can see your struggle to develop a proper way of introspection. you're doing great.

if you commit to being completely sincere with yourself, you'll be just fine. it can take months, years. but you'll be definitely on track.

Edited September 11, 2017 by ajasatya

[Gabriel Antonio]

good! 

you are on a good track! maybe it is time to stop the psychotherapy, and become Buddha. 

have you heard of calling up Divine's Will? Do this 10 times a day, even if you do not believe in the power of this practice. 

When God (the Real one) starts working through you, Heaven is revealed. 

Enlightenment is very real. Just call on Divinity. 

Hahaha, yes, I do sound like an evangelical person, but, dude, it fucking works. I wouldn't be doing if it wasn't worth it. Things have become SO MUCH FUCKING easier.  

You do not have to correct anything. 

[Santiago]

8 hours ago, sgn said:

Leading to perfectionistic thinking about yourself and think others are perfectionistic about you too.

I definitely am perfectionist, I expect nothing but the best from me, whenever I write to somebody I look after my redactions, my grammar(I speak spanish, so it might be bad in english... and I am justifying this because I care about what you might think of my writing skills if I said I cared about them and then I write like a kid...).

Did you feel like you were not unconditionally loved as a child? That you got love when you did "good" and was unloved and abandoned when you did "bad"? Making you believe that you only deserve love, acceptance, respect etc if you prove you are worthy of it and deserve it. You might have experienced that you were emotionally abandoned at times. Even if your parents might be there physically, they were not there emotionally. Only when you were a "good boy".

I never thought about this... but maybe you are right, I don't remember how things were exactly, but definitely when I got good grades at school my parents congratulated me and seemed happy and told me I was smart, but isn't that what all parents do??
I think that when I had difficulties in school my mother told me it was ok, but I don't remember exactly.. I definitely was never grounded the few times I did bad at school.

This leading you to feel that you are not worthy of love, acceptance etc and that you must prove that you are. And because you see yourself that way, you assume this is how others also think of you. Always something to prove.
Do you think others can accept you just for being human or that you must do something to win them over?
And how do you feel with friends? Do you think that one little "wrong-doing" might make them to stop accepting you, think bad of you, shame you and leave you? Do you fear people's anger?

I always think I am weird, I feel disconnected from friends and society.. for example everyone I know watches Game Of Thrones and other tv shows, they also watch football, they smoke weed and drink alcohol, they play computer games, etc. And I don't do any of that because It makes me feel I am wasting time, I would rather be meditating or preparing a healthy meal or reading or walking in the park or traveling, etc.

The funny thing is that then I don't do any of that, I just go on internet and lose all my free time watching pranks and other shit.
This has been my life for the last 3 years.

Before those 3 wasted years I also had a period of 2 or 3 years where I was really commited to overcome my stuttering problem(yeah I also stutter, but now it's almost gone and it's not a problem for me anymore), so in that period of time I learnt what I know about myself, I read books, I did introspection and started observing and writing my feelings and behaviors, I noticed that I had a lack of self-steem and self-acceptance and I also "discovered" that I could fix that problem by living according to my principles, which at the time were: eating healthy, meditating, doing introspection and writing, repeating positive phrases that were aimed to fix perfectionism, judgement and acceptance mainly(which happen to be 3 core roots of stuttering), also repeating phrases of thankfulness with the world for all the good things that I have and am, I was doing sungazing and waking up at 6 am to take a walk in the park, etc.
This was the best moment of my life and during a period of 4-6 months I was doing every day all these activities and more, it was amazing, I felt great, I finally had a self-steem and I accepted myself, I couldn't be bothered by anything external, I felt like a buddha, at peace with everything and in love with the world and nature and everything. I even had a magical moment one time while meditating during this period, I was midway my meditation routine in the middle of the park next to a tree and I started smiling like an idiot, tears filled my eyes, I felt one with the universe and I started rolling in the grass laughing like a child, people might have thought I was on drugs but it didn't matter at the time, because I was in love with myself and I couldn't care less.

But then, that summer I went to my mother's house in the beach to stay some days with her, and there I didn't have a park to go to walk and meditate, I didn't have the grocery store to buy my healthy foods... I didn't have the gym either, so I thought it's ok, 10 days and then I come back to my routine, and that's where it ended, when I came back home I was already out of the routine and I never came back to it.

I then thought that I stopped doing all those amazing things that made me feel awesome because this person I was becoming was too happy, and I couldn't identify with it, I felt I wasn't ready to become that, I thought it was a self-image problem.
But now I know that the reason I came back to zero is because I felt I didn't deserve all that happiness that I was experiencing, deep down I feel I don't deserve happiness and love, and that is the missing piece of my puzzle, that's why I am stuttering again, why I wasted the last 3 years watching trash on the internet and doing useless stuff just to distract myself from "the work" that has to be done. After all the sacrifice it took me to become happy for a moment, all those healthy habits I started and all the unhealthy habits I ended, I just gave up, and here I am, trying to wake up again and face my fears one more time, hoping this is the good one, hoping this is the time where I finally become happy and am able to keep it going.

You become co-dependent. Imagine a drug-addict who is dependent on the person who gives them drugs.
They only feel some pleasure when someone else gives this to them. And they're willing to do whatever to get it. To just feel something.
But just as a drug-addict, if  you don't love yourself you have this emotional need that needs to be fullfilled and you don't feel that you can get it from yourself.
So you become dependent on others to give it to you just so you can feel something. And you become a people pleaser, so you can experience a momentary sense of self-love, self-respect, self-acceptance, self-worth etc.

Read up on shame and inner child.
Take help from a therapist and from 12-step programs if you are ready for that.
I'm planning to give this a shot.

See the thread I made about 12-step programs.

 

Thank you very much for reading my post and helping me, I really appreciate it.

I answered inside the quote in bold.

Edited September 12, 2017 by Santiago
clarity

[Santiago]

6 hours ago, Girzo said:

Man, I am sending you love, tons of love, rays of warm light through your computer screen. And I'm not gay.  Because I know what you are feeling, I feel the same, my parents were often distant, literally and metaphorically.

To resolve that problem I am currently doing self-love practice based on Leo's video about self-acceptance. I have set up timer for an every day of the week to help me remember about it.

I have heard that these books are great. Haven't got time to read them yet.

• The Dark Side of the Inner Child by Stephen Wolinsky
• The Family by John Bradshaw (almost all his books are on topic and might be helpful for you)

Thank you very much, I am also sending you tons of love in a no-homo way hahaha.

Thanks for reminding me the importance of practicing self-love and doing things like eating healthy, meditating, doing sport, sleeping well and positive affirmations that remind you all your good traits and the good things in your life, this has helped me in the past.

I also want to add that I think this doesn't totally solve the problem, the childhood trauma is still there and this part is where I fuked up last time(you can read my previous post where I explain how I was doing all this self-love practices and was almost touching the sky but after a few months I fell to the ground suddenly, and this is because I never really fixed the childhood trauma and the internal deep idea that I don't really deserve all that good stuff and that I can't be happy, at least this is what I think made me fail last time).

 

4 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@Santiago i don't have much to say. i've read some of your posts and i can see your struggle to develop a proper way of introspection. you're doing great.

if you commit to being completely sincere with yourself, you'll be just fine. it can take months, years. but you'll be definitely on track.

Thanks for participating.
I am completely sincere with myself, at least I think so... the problem is that I already lost many years, I don't want this suffering to take more years to go away... I just hope I can solve this asap, maybe in 1 year from now..
One thing is sure, I am in a turning point right now, one of those moments where you feel you can't take it anymore and where you build up the motivation to go and try to do something instead of ignoring it like I did for the last 3 years.

What do you mean by "proper way of introspection"? what would you recommend? I think I could do better by getting more in touch with my emotions instead of focusing that much on superficial behaviors, is that what you mean? I also am not sure how to do this, apart from meditation.
 

1 hour ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

good! 

you are on a good track! maybe it is time to stop the psychotherapy, and become Buddha. 

have you heard of calling up Divine's Will? Do this 10 times a day, even if you do not believe in the power of this practice. 

When God (the Real one) starts working through you, Heaven is revealed. 

Enlightenment is very real. Just call on Divinity. 

Hahaha, yes, I do sound like an evangelical person, but, dude, it fucking works. I wouldn't be doing if it wasn't worth it. Things have become SO MUCH FUCKING easier.  

You do not have to correct anything. 

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

I don't know what you are talking about, but something I did before when I was in my "happy period" of life(I talked about this in my previous post), was to take a walk every morning and dedicate at least 10 minutes to being thankful for all the good things in my life and the things I like about myself.

That helped a lot and I will create the habit of doing this again, today I started replacing some foods I was eating that weren't too good, I also went to the park for a walk and said some of these positive affirmations.

[Santiago]

This post is becoming too long and I am sorry, but some things must be said so that you guys can see where I come from ... hopefully somebody else will also resonate with all this stuff and this thread becomes useful for other people to solve their traumas too.


I just want to add what happened this morning, because this happened to me for the first time in my life and it was very important since it can give me new tools for healing.

So, this morning I went to my bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt very emotional, specially after being depressed the entire weekend and after having that horrible emotional experience after cirque du soleil(as I wrote in the 1st post, basically I noticed how sad my life was and how this emptiness of feeling worthless invaded every aspect of my life) and so I decided to tap into that emotions and to fully experience them...
So I closed my eyes there, in front of the mirror, I started breathing deeply and after half a minute I started bringing back memories from my childhood where my brother was telling me I was useless after doing a chore my parents had given me, and he was telling me I was good for nothing, I recreated the scene in my imagination and then all this thoughts started to bombard me saying "you are useless", "you can't do anything right", "you are stupid", "you don't deserve anything", "you are a failure", "you are worthless", etc. and I started crying like never before, I couldn't stay on my foot, I had this painfull feeling in my chest above the stomach and I had to kneel, I cried a river and could barely breath... it was surreal..
I then noticed how important this moment was and tried to be there with myself, with my hurting kid self and I tried to tell him that everything was fine and that he was totally fine and was doing right, and that my brother just felt a lack of love from my parents and he was just a 10 year old kid and didn't know what he was doing or saying.. but when I was doing this, my stupid fear of being judged kicked in and I became conscious that I was there laying in the floor of the bathroom and crying like a baby, and I thogut about the possibility of somebody entering the house and seeing me(even tho at that time my brother is working and it's almost impossible he comes home), and so I sabotaged that moment by being afraid of being judged for crying like a baby, I imagined my brother would have thougth I was insane if he saw me... and unfortunately I didn't let myself take too much advantage of that moment..

Then I tried to recreate it and wasn't able, I could start crying again but it wasn't as strong and crippling as the first time..
But then I don't know why but out of nowhere I brought a friend of mine into my imagination, this is a friend that is going through rough times also, and we have been expressing our feelings and talking a lot about what happens to us, I have cried in front of him before and so has he, we are developing this amazing connection where we can express ourselves and help each other out.
So as I was saying I brought him into my imagination and imagined he was there telling me about his toxic relationship with his girlfriend as he always does and he was crying and I was hugging him and suddenly I started to cry(in reality, not in the imagination) more and more, I was for the first time ever thankful that he trusts me with all this stuff, feeling that somebody was sharing with me all that pain made me feel worthy, and I felt thankful to him for trusting me with all those feelings.

After all that crying I cleaned myself up and went to work, he works in the same place I do and I told him about this, and thanked him for sharing with me all his emotions and problems.

Before this I just felt overwhelmed by having to listen to him, this is the first time that I can appreciate it.


 

Edited September 12, 2017 by Santiago

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Santiago it is a matter of stop trying to figure out things by yourself, and begin to invoke the divine. dude, it is that simple hahaha

[Sevi]

15 minutes ago, Santiago said:

This post is becoming too long and I am sorry, but some things must be said so that you guys can see where I come from ... hopefully somebody else will also resonate with all this stuff and this thread becomes useful for other people to solve their traumas too.


I just want to add what happened this morning, because this happened to me for the first time in my life and it was very important since it can give me new tools for healing.

So, this morning I went to my bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt very emotional, specially after being depressed the entire weekend and after having that horrible emotional experience after cirque du soleil(as I wrote in the 1st post, basically I noticed how sad my life was and how this emptiness of feeling worthless invaded every aspect of my life) and so I decided to tap into that emotions and to fully experience them...
So I closed my eyes there, in front of the mirror, I started breathing deeply and after half a minute I started bringing back memories from my childhood where my brother was telling me I was useless after doing a chore my parents had given me, and he was telling me I was good for nothing, I recreated the scene in my imagination and then all this thoughts started to bombard me saying "you are useless", "you can't do anything right", "you are stupid", "you don't deserve anything", "you are a failure", "you are worthless", etc. and I started crying like never before, I couldn't stay on my foot, I had this painfull feeling in my chest above the stomach and I had to kneel, I cried a river and could barely breath... it was surreal..
I then noticed how important this moment was and tried to be there with myself, with my hurting kid self and I tried to tell him that everything was fine and that he was totally fine and was doing right, and that my brother just felt a lack of love from my parents and he was just a 10 year old kid and didn't know what he was doing or saying.. but when I was doing this, my stupid fear of being judged kicked in and I became conscious that I was there laying in the floor of the bathroom and crying like a baby, and I thogut about the possibility of somebody entering the house and seeing me(even tho at that time my brother is working and it's almost impossible he comes home), and so I sabotaged that moment by being afraid of being judged for crying like a baby, I imagined my brother would have thougth I was insane if he saw me... and unfortunately I didn't let myself take too much advantage of that moment..

Then I tried to recreate it and wasn't able, I could start crying again but it wasn't as strong and crippling as the first time..

Wish I could be there to hug you?? 'it's never late to live a happy childhood' Brown Tracy says, 'since all the reality is just about perception'?

[Santiago]

19 minutes ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

@Santiago it is a matter of stop trying to figure out things by yourself, and begin to invoke the divine. dude, it is that simple hahaha

I still don't get it
I don't believe in god if that's what you mean, I used to thank "life" or "the universe" as if it was an entity to thank for the good things in my life, so I guess I could call that god maybe...

11 minutes ago, Sevi said:

Wish I could be there to hug you?? 'it's never late to live a happy childhood' Brown Tracy says, 'since all the reality is just about perception'?

I wish you were here too, I really need a hug right now, thank you very much, love you.

I just edited the last post since an important part was missing from the story...

[Toby]

You could educate yourself on what trauma is:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1556439431/
do some of the exercises he has in his audio programm (with pdf):
https://www.soundstrue.com/store/healing-trauma-4547.html
or investigate if "unworthiness" might be something collective:
https://www.soundstrue.com/store/healing-the-core-wound-of-unworthiness.html

[Emerald]

@Santiago I have dealt with chronic shame since childhood too, and I'm still not completely out of the woods with it. I have a lot of social-based shame from being ostracized from my peers. And there were a few events that I have a hard time thinking about because I feel so ashamed of them... though I do consciously forgive myself for them since I was a child trying to make sense out of certain traumatic events in my life. But I can relate to every thought process that you mentioned above. So, you're not alone. In fact, I know that one of my main motivators toward self-improvement are wholly based in an attempt to redeem myself and mitigate those feelings of shame that still linger. I think shame is still my biggest attachment and it infects every area of my life.

But I have also experienced ego transcendence before, and when this happened all those problems just went away in a split-second and I was whole again. And I fully realized that my existence was so unshakeably valid that nothing could ever change that. And I really loved myself unconditionally. I didn't need to prove my worth to myself because worth wasn't even real. There was no way to improve on what is because it is already perfect and I am part of that perfection. And because I saw myself in that light, all the parts of myself that I had repressed away for years came bubbling up to the surface of my consciousness. And those parts of myself were finally conscious of the love. I really loved even traits that I hated prior. I was capable of unconditional love only then.

So, the reason why you feel the shame is likely because you have parts of yourself that you have repressed away and likely forgotten about. And these traits contain parts of your consciousness that you don't have access to because they have been made unconscious, in your attempt to avoid trauma or unpleasant emotions. So, these traits (as aspects of your own consciousness) desperately want reintegration into your conscious awareness. So, they are relegated to the shadow because you are not able to love them unconditionally. You have a desire to be acceptable by some standard or another, so those traits are a threat to the self-image that you think will bring you up out of your feelings of shame and self-hatred. So, those parts of you feel hated and ashamed. And those aspects of yourself grieve from loss of love, and those emotions still trickle through from the unconscious. So, it leaves you with a feeling of "I feel ashamed... but I don't know why."

So, Shadow Work or any other type of re-inegration work will be of help for this. But you especially want to look at areas that you're rigid about and feel uncomfortable changing your opinion about. For example, in my case, I have a hard time letting go of the idea that physical appearance  is the main component of my worth as a person. And that I can find fulfillment when I have the ideal level of physical attractiveness. And that if I'm not physically attractive, then I can never be fulfilled. Now, I was always taught by my parents that my worth lay in my intelligence and level of goodness. (This is not true either), But still I have this identification even still. But I only care about this in regard to myself. I feel like I need to be physically attractive but that everyone else is sufficient whichever way that they look. But I still think it will mitigate my shame and I will feel love by embodying physical attractiveness. So, I could just let go of this hang-up and I know that reintegration would occur in lieu of it. But I still want so much from my looks and have many stories and dreams that I want to happen to me as a result. So, there's an attachment that I don't know how to let go of because so much of my self structure has been built around it and has been since early childhood. So, I have a lot of work to do on this aspect of myself.

So, I recommend finding the stories that you've created about yourself that you still want something from. Then find out what you want from the stories. And then work on reintegrating the traits that you believe would stand in the way of those stories coming true and the desire/need being met. Also, try to find another way to meet the need too.

[ajasatya]

8 hours ago, Santiago said:

What do you mean by "proper way of introspection"? what would you recommend? I think I could do better by getting more in touch with my emotions instead of focusing that much on superficial behaviors, is that what you mean? I also am not sure how to do this, apart from meditation.

people who don't have at least a few years of rigorous meditation practices are usually drown in heavy cycles of harassing self talk.

the untrained mind goes like this

• i'm gonna prove them wrong
• i can't do it because i have to fix my past first
• if only i was more <...> and less <...>
• i will be happy when <...>
• i feel unhappy because of <someone else>
• i have to look good because i need to impress others

and the trained mind goes like this

• i love doing it so i'll do it
• i am alive now. i am free now.
• i love the way i am
• i feel content now
• the other person hurts me because he/she is in deep suffering
• i love taking good care of my body and feeling healthy

the list could go on and on. the ego perspective is selfish, needy and narcissist. Truth perspective is compassionate, content and filled with self love.

[Nahm]

@Santiago While I think it is a practical & respectable approach, doing all those things to be rid of a childhood issue is in actuality, putting a tremendous amount of focus right on the issue, keeping it in your thoughts and emotions. Keeping it in your life. When someone chooses to put their focus solely on what they want, afterwards, they say things like letting go is an art, it's all about surrending, give it to God, relief, releasing, giving up control. To surrender is to stop fighting. You may feel like you have to beat this thing, but I suggest you have to surrender. Love always wins because love itself is the one.

Some references that might be entertaining to you:

Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”

Some guy on a stellar forum said, "It's not truly about forgiving the other person, more deeply, it's about forgiving ourselves for what we internalized. If we want to be without something, we must let it go."

Also, if you're in a place to be more freed by science than philosophy, YouTube quantum erasure. It might help you to accept that there is only "now", and that none of your past or any of your memories are accurate at all. If that sounds foreign to you, then it probably stands to aid in liberating you. 

[Sevi]

12 hours ago, Santiago said:

But then I don't know why but out of nowhere I brought a friend of mine into my imagination, this is a friend that is going through rough times also, and we have been expressing our feelings and talking a lot about what happens to us, I have cried in front of him before and so has he, we are developing this amazing connection where we can express ourselves and help each other out.
So as I was saying I brought him into my imagination and imagined he was there telling me about his toxic relationship with his girlfriend as he always does and he was crying and I was hugging him and suddenly I started to cry(in reality, not in the imagination) more and more, I was for the first time ever thankful that he trusts me with all this stuff, feeling that somebody was sharing with me all that pain made me feel worthy, and I felt thankful to him for trusting me with all those feelings.

After all that crying I cleaned myself up and went to work, he works in the same place I do and I told him about this, and thanked him for sharing with me all his emotions and problems.

Before this I just felt overwhelmed by having to listen to him, this is the first time that I can appreciate it.

?if you knew those hurtful moments in your life would help you to build the deepest connections and true love one day, you would have probably been embracing them with a crazy enthusiasm?

Healing is a wonderful, magical process, isn't it??

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

16 hours ago, Santiago said:

I still don't get it
I don't believe in god if that's what you mean, I used to thank "life" or "the universe" as if it was an entity to thank for the good things in my life, so I guess I could call that god maybe...

Well, maybe you need some basic psychotherapy. But trust me, it all boils down to love as @Nahm mentioned. If you slay a head of your childhood hydra, ten new ones appear instead. Haha. So sometimes it is a matter of saying, "Ok! My past was a piece of shit. But let me live in the present moment."

Btw - you do not know what God is. 

I suggest you watch two episodes: 

- Self-Acceptance (it is like a guided visualization; it's pretty amazing!) 

- What Is God (OPTIONAL) 

 

[Nahm]

YEAH!!!!!!

jk

[Santiago]

20 hours ago, Toby said:

You could educate yourself on what trauma is:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1556439431/
do some of the exercises he has in his audio programm (with pdf):
https://www.soundstrue.com/store/healing-trauma-4547.html
or investigate if "unworthiness" might be something collective:
https://www.soundstrue.com/store/healing-the-core-wound-of-unworthiness.html

Thanks for the tips, I don't have much time right now to check this out but in a couple weeks I might.

19 hours ago, Emerald said:

@Santiago I have dealt with chronic shame since childhood too, and I'm still not completely out of the woods with it. I have a lot of social-based shame from being ostracized from my peers. And there were a few events that I have a hard time thinking about because I feel so ashamed of them... though I do consciously forgive myself for them since I was a child trying to make sense out of certain traumatic events in my life. But I can relate to every thought process that you mentioned above. So, you're not alone. In fact, I know that one of my main motivators toward self-improvement are wholly based in an attempt to redeem myself and mitigate those feelings of shame that still linger. I think shame is still my biggest attachment and it infects every area of my life.

Thank you very much for taking some time to help me, I really appreciate it.

I know I am not alone, I developed a habit of observing people and a lot of fears and flaws become obvious, so I have this idea that everybody is broken, or at least 99% of society... 
Thanks anyway!

But I have also experienced ego transcendence before, and when this happened all those problems just went away in a split-second and I was whole again. And I fully realized that my existence was so unshakeably valid that nothing could ever change that. And I really loved myself unconditionally. I didn't need to prove my worth to myself because worth wasn't even real. There was no way to improve on what is because it is already perfect and I am part of that perfection. And because I saw myself in that light, all the parts of myself that I had repressed away for years came bubbling up to the surface of my consciousness. And those parts of myself were finally conscious of the love. I really loved even traits that I hated prior. I was capable of unconditional love only then.

This is awesome but I can't identify with it, I am not close to ego trascendence I think, I am looking for a fast solution, a solution that could heal my wound in less than a year from now if I really get to it.

So, the reason why you feel the shame is likely because you have parts of yourself that you have repressed away and likely forgotten about. And these traits contain parts of your consciousness that you don't have access to because they have been made unconscious, in your attempt to avoid trauma or unpleasant emotions. So, these traits (as aspects of your own consciousness) desperately want reintegration into your conscious awareness. So, they are relegated to the shadow because you are not able to love them unconditionally. You have a desire to be acceptable by some standard or another, so those traits are a threat to the self-image that you think will bring you up out of your feelings of shame and self-hatred. So, those parts of you feel hated and ashamed. And those aspects of yourself grieve from loss of love, and those emotions still trickle through from the unconscious. So, it leaves you with a feeling of "I feel ashamed... but I don't know why."

Let me see if I understood what you mean... you say that because I had this experiences as a child I feel this emptiness inside of me and in order to fill that emptiness I decided that a part of myself should be repressed because it wouldn't be accepted by people and I also brought up a fake part of myself that consists in things that I think will make me be accepted by others?
 

So, Shadow Work or any other type of re-inegration work will be of help for this. But you especially want to look at areas that you're rigid about and feel uncomfortable changing your opinion about. For example, in my case, I have a hard time letting go of the idea that physical appearance  is the main component of my worth as a person. And that I can find fulfillment when I have the ideal level of physical attractiveness. And that if I'm not physically attractive, then I can never be fulfilled. Now, I was always taught by my parents that my worth lay in my intelligence and level of goodness. (This is not true either), But still I have this identification even still. But I only care about this in regard to myself. I feel like I need to be physically attractive but that everyone else is sufficient whichever way that they look. But I still think it will mitigate my shame and I will feel love by embodying physical attractiveness. So, I could just let go of this hang-up and I know that reintegration would occur in lieu of it. But I still want so much from my looks and have many stories and dreams that I want to happen to me as a result. So, there's an attachment that I don't know how to let go of because so much of my self structure has been built around it and has been since early childhood. So, I have a lot of work to do on this aspect of myself.

Well, the same goes for me, I give a tremendous importance to my physical appearance, I have been going to the gym for years and algo dieting and counting calories to have an optimal physique... I feel like when I have the perfect body men will respect me and women will love me, and in part we could say this is true, in our society this actually happens.
I also feel like my worthiness is determined not only by my physical appearance but by my intelligence, and coincidentally every time my mother hugged me and kissed me she told me that I was cute and intelligent, she was making this in an attempt to compensate for my obvious lack of self-steem as a child.
And it turns out that I am about to graduate from engineering which is considered one of the most difficult careers around here, and I don't even like it.. but another thing is also true, I don't know what I want to do for a living, so I accepted this as "ok, it will do". But yeah, for not having a passion I did choose one difficult career and I could have chosen others, I guess I was trying to prove something, and I know this is true since I have noticed myself thinking about people admiring me for being an engineer and respecting me, which is also true in today's society, you say "I am engineer" and people respect/admire you more, the same goes for "I am a doctor".

I have questioned myself many times why I workout and diet so strictly, I just can't stop doing it because now it would be a waste of so much time and effort, and I already identify with being the muscular fit guy, everybody at work asks me for workout advice or dieting advice... I also KNOW that being fit and muscular has many benefits like attracting girls easily, being respected, not getting problems with people because they don't want to mess with you, etc.

So, I recommend finding the stories that you've created about yourself that you still want something from. Then find out what you want from the stories. And then work on reintegrating the traits that you believe would stand in the way of those stories coming true and the desire/need being met. Also, try to find another way to meet the need too.

So I guess I have 2 stories I want something from(probably more that I can't think of now): gym and engineering, but I am clueless about if I have any supressed trait that would go against any of this things.


Ok, so, since you talk about shame (and I never thought of it in that way) I will add some things I know I feel ashamed of for sure and that I really try to avoid telling people:

1)I always fear when people ask me what I do for fun, I feel like I don't have anything to say, like I am boring or difficult to relate to(I am weird).. because I have spent my last 8 years of life alternating between periods where I go all-in with psychology, introspection, meditation, diet, reading different things, observing, etc. and then periods where I stop all this habits and just watch videos, lose time, procrastinate, masturbate, etc.
And I feel ashamed of both this behaviors... I feel ashamed of dedicating so much time to self-help and not achieving that much(as I said before when I started to achieve a lot of good things, then the feeling of unworthiness and not deserving to be loved/happy just ended up destroying all my healthy habits and I went back to almost zero), and I also am ashamed of losing my time and doing nothing productive... So yeah whenever I start liking a girl I feel like she will not like me because there is nothing she can relate to, I don't watch tv shows, I don't watch football, I don't go clubbing, I am an alien, and If I try to explain to her about self-help stuff she would think I am weird.
On the other hand, when I am in those evasive periods where I just plug myself to the computer and do internet like crack, I still don't watch tv shows or do other things that people do, because I think those things are stupid and I have created a rejection for them, and I also don't want to start a tv show because you get addicted to them and can't end them mid-season, you need to finish it. The same goes for videogames for example. Instead If I just watch YT videos in theory I can stop whenever I want, but actually it's just the same as the other stuff...

2)I don't have a social life, I stopped talking to my "friends" because I couldn't really relate to them since I don't do any normal thing as I mentioned before.

3)I am virgin at 26.

4)Whatever I do that implies some display of intelligence and it's in groups where people can judge me, in this scenarios I am so concerned about being judged that I can't even focus or I end up procrastinating and then I make it a self-fulfilling prophecy since I don't do my best. I end up looking bad or doing an average work and I know I could do much better because I actually am pretty intelligent whenever I can focus and leave my fears behing, I am way above average in that regard(at least concerning logical/mathetmaticall/patterns stuff, which is what I study/work), but still feel like an idiot all the time.

5)I feel ashamed of some physical flaws I have, and I am very perfectionist about my physical appearance, so this is really bad...

PD: I have the feeling that I am misinterpreting what you wanted to tell me somehow...

 

12 hours ago, ajasatya said:

people who don't have at least a few years of rigorous meditation practices are usually drown in heavy cycles of harassing self talk.

the untrained mind goes like this

• i'm gonna prove them wrong
• i can't do it because i have to fix my past first
• if only i was more <...> and less <...>
• i will be happy when <...>
• i feel unhappy because of <someone else>
• i have to look good because i need to impress others

and the trained mind goes like this

• i love doing it so i'll do it
• i am alive now. i am free now.
• i love the way i am
• i feel content now
• the other person hurts me because he/she is in deep suffering
• i love taking good care of my body and feeling healthy

the list could go on and on. the ego perspective is selfish, needy and narcissist. Truth perspective is compassionate, content and filled with self love.

Thanks for clarifying.

[Santiago]

11 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Santiago While I think it is a practical & respectable approach, doing all those things to be rid of a childhood issue is in actuality, putting a tremendous amount of focus right on the issue, keeping it in your thoughts and emotions. Keeping it in your life. When someone chooses to put their focus solely on what they want, afterwards, they say things like letting go is an art, it's all about surrending, give it to God, relief, releasing, giving up control. To surrender is to stop fighting. You may feel like you have to beat this thing, but I suggest you have to surrender. Love always wins because love itself is the one.

Some references that might be entertaining to you:

Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”

Some guy on a stellar forum said, "It's not truly about forgiving the other person, more deeply, it's about forgiving ourselves for what we internalized. If we want to be without something, we must let it go."

Also, if you're in a place to be more freed by science than philosophy, YouTube quantum erasure. It might help you to accept that there is only "now", and that none of your past or any of your memories are accurate at all. If that sounds foreign to you, then it probably stands to aid in liberating you. 

I never really understood this concept of "if you think you are broken it gets worse", I mean I kinda do, but If I thought everything was fine then I would get some relief, but the childhood trauma would still be there and so I would keep feeling stupid, worthless, etc.
If I think everything is fine but I don't correct my perfectionist/judging/victim mindsets (just to mention a few ones) my stuttering won't suddenly go away(I took stuttering as an example since I do stutter).

I don't know, it seems contradictory... for example I managed to overcome stuttering by thinking I was completely broken and then doing something about it... When I was almost healed(my stuttering was like a 5% of what it was originally) I did notice that all the psychological roots of stuttering where now under control and that the last little thing I needed to change was my mindset that I was broken, because now I wasn't, only that little thing was remaining, and it worked! After that I had half a year of pure happiness and zero stuttering. The fact that after 4-6 months without stuttering I came back to zero is a whole different story, what caused that relapse was this inner feeling that I didn't deserve to be that happy, that I didn't deserve to overcome my fears and live a happy life, which comes from my childhood traumas and NOT from thinking that I was broken, because in fact I actually thought I was not only healed but also becoming something much better.


I want to add something more. All those things that I mention, like meditating, eating healthy, doing sports, breathing, positive affirmations, being in nature, etc. are things that I believe in, I believe that this things improve your quality of life and that everybody should be doing them. It's not a "list of things I need to do to get rid of my fears", it's more like a "list of things that every human being should be doing to improve his quality of life".

So when I am not doing this things I am neglecting myself of self-love, because I know this things are good for everybody.

 

 

10 hours ago, Sevi said:

?if you knew those hurtful moments in your life would help you to build the deepest connections and true love one day, you would have probably been embracing them with a crazy enthusiasm?

Healing is a wonderful, magical process, isn't it??

 

Prior to my "happy period of life", when I was trying to figure out my stuttering I had this exact mindset, it proved to be very helpful.

6 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Well, maybe you need some basic psychotherapy. But trust me, it all boils down to love as @Nahm mentioned. If you slay a head of your childhood hydra, ten new ones appear instead. Haha. So sometimes it is a matter of saying, "Ok! My past was a piece of shit. But let me live in the present moment."

Btw - you do not know what God is. 

I suggest you watch two episodes: 

- Self-Acceptance (it is like a guided visualization; it's pretty amazing!) 

- What Is God (OPTIONAL) 

 

I don't care if ten new heads will appear, I just need to get rid of this one thing, this feeling of being idiot, being useless, that I got from all the bullying my brother did to me. This affects every fiber of my being, every area of my life, I am paralyzed.

Living in the present moment is not a very helpful advice for me right now, I am not close to being able to do that, maybe for a couple minutes but not an entire day.