Make Happy

[Emerald]

6 hours ago, zenjen said:

Shadow Worksheet

I said a prayer for guidance before picking my card to contemplate this morning and got the perfect one! I was thinking a lot about shadow work yesterday night and the potential benefits of it. I watched a video by @Emerald a few days ago that sparked my interest in getting to the bottom of my limiting beliefs through shadow work (watch here: https://youtu.be/SZ90jN2R9n8)

So, today I decided to make a shadow worksheet for myself that could potentially help others too. I just like having the structure of the questions, I think it helps me a lot to stay organized and to not get lost in other thoughts. Here it is:

Pick a situation or person, past or present, that you have felt strong negative emotions towards, then answer the questions below:

1. What judgments arise when you think of this situation/person?
2. How do you judge yourself based on the feelings this situation/person brings up?
3. How have these types of judgments affected your life in other areas?
4. How can you learn to accept or let go of these judgments?

Great questions. That was very synchronistic.

[phoenix666]

I've been ignoring the importance and power of self acceptance for a long time. only lately I've recognized how crucial it is to integrate the shadow in the more loved aspects of my identity. this helped me a lot lately, so as I stumbled on your post about shadow work, I thought I could share it with you @zenjen

 

[zenjen]

@phoenix666 Thank you, love! I was listening to one of his speeches the other night and noticed he does a really amazing job of explaining these concepts. I will be sure to listen to this one at work tomorrow. I definitely need more practice in the self-love and acceptance category.

[zenjen]

Social Anxiety

Card of the day: True healing occurs when I give myself permission to feel whatever feelings live below the triggers.

It was my first day back at work for nearly 3 weeks and I felt a lot of anxiety bubbling up to the surface. I have been trying to remain aware of the anxious feelings in my body, but even that was difficult today because I was also trying to focus on getting work done. Even as I try to write about social anxiety I’m starting to get anxiety. This isn’t normal for me and it feels kind of extreme. Hopefully, this is a case of things getting worse before they get better. I tend to enjoy one on one conversations, but when it comes to a group setting I start getting freaked out and nervous. My coworkers were so sweet toward me today, one even bought me a sketchbook and markers and put it on my desk while I was away. Despite all of the love, I was still nervous just being around so many different people. I think it’s time to really start tapping around my memories and beliefs for some release regarding this issue.

I listened to a podcast from “Social Anxiety Solutions” today that prompted me to write these lists:

What would be the downside of losing social anxiety?

• I would talk to people that I don’t really care to talk to.
• My time would be more in demand from people trying to have conversations.
• I wouldn't have that socially anxious part of myself, which has stayed constant to my own image throughout my life.

What would be the upside of staying stuck in it?

• I think before I speak.
• I wouldn’t have to deal with energy vampires.
• I wouldn’t have to worry about changing my behaviors and getting to the root of my past.
• No social expectations that can get crushed.
• Don’t have to talk to people openly, which leads to not getting hurt by them (hopefully).

Edited October 12, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Should Statements

From Leo’s video on shoulds as well as the second chapter of You Can Heal Your Life

I Should…

1. Be less anxious*
2. Be carefree
3. Not care what other people think*
4. Be socially confident
5. Be able to hold a conversation
6. Be able to focus
7. Be more productive*
8. Not be lazy
9. Be happy
10. Get rid of my ego
11. Read more books
12. Take my time in life
13. Be more trusting
14. Not worry so much
15. Pack all of my things and move to another country to start anew
16. Finish school
17. Do well in school*
18. Be a good worker
19. Be a good citizen
20. Do my chores
21. Focus on getting really good at one thing
22. Stop wasting time
23. Exercise more
24. Practice art/guitar more
25. Be a better person*
26. Have better habits
27. Let go of certain relationships
     

Top 3 Shoulds

I should be less anxious
“If I really wanted to, I could be less anxious” so why haven’t I?

The feeling of being anxious almost feels like a motivator for me. I fear not being anxious will create more problems because I won’t get anything done or I won’t be prepared for something that will hurt me.

I should not care what other people think
“If I really wanted to, I could not care what other people think” so why haven’t I?

It seems almost impossible to completely stop caring what other people think. I think it’s part of being humans a social species. I worry if I stop caring what others think, I will be labeled as a freak or just plain annoying for acting authentically. If I were to stop caring what other people think, I’m worried about what others would think of it, basically.

I should be more productive
“If I really wanted to, I could be more productive” so why haven’t I?

I want to be more productive but I let my anxiety run my life. My anxiety starts because I’m worried about failing. I think everyone will be disappointed with me if I fail to do something I said that I would (including myself).

[zenjen]

Reflections

My therapist Ken asked me today if I see myself as the kind of person who would be a mental hospital patient. I think he was expecting me to say no, because he doesn’t see me as such a person, but that’s not true. I was a mental hospital patient; therefore I am that type of person. Do I let it define me? No. But I’m also not going to put myself over anyone else that I saw in that hospital and pretend that I'm somehow different or better. I told Ken that I saw myself in all of the patients, even a woman who was addicted to meth and committed arson. I could sense her struggle and need for help, and I could relate. She was one of the people who hugged me tight and wept when it was time for me to go. I told Ken that I was more afraid of leaving the hospital than being in it because I actually felt connected to people while I was there.

He paused for a moment and said, “Maybe you're in the wrong line of work then,” and told me that I should consider a degree in psychology and become a therapist. He said that not many people have that type of empathy and some of the best therapists have been through hard times and that’s how they can connect with their patients. He also said that would vouch for me to get into grad school, even though that’s not anytime soon for me. I think I’m going to consider it though. I’d like to write a book on my story someday when I’m older and hopefully, by then I’ll be more studied in psychology.

 

Also here’s a video that I’ve listened to 3 times already and wanted to share. I think it’s a very beautiful psychological/philosophical view of the modern individual and society.

[zenjen]

Hiatus

It’s 4 a.m. and I’m awake because I’ve been sick the past few days, congested beyond belief. I’m having trouble breathing and I’m not sure what to do about it anymore. I haven’t done my daily Pilates routine in 3 days and I feel bad about it, the same with my journaling habit. I was on a two-week streak that ended when I started getting sick. The good thing, I suppose, is that I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 4 days. I’m happy about that, but honestly, I think it’s to do with being too sick to breathe. I picked up smoking again on a particularly desperate day at work about a week and a half ago when I was falling asleep at my desk. The medications that I’m on were making me drowsy and still make it very difficult to focus. I’ve been trying to limit my caffeine to one cup of coffee per day since I've been out of the hospital. I think my mind/body is retaliating by trying to suck me into other addictions. I should probably consider meditating more often.

[zenjen]

Changing Habits

Unhealthy patterns I would like to put an end to:

• Binge eating/eating trash foods
• Smoking (on and off*)
• Excessive drinking and/or drinking alone (on and off*)
• Sedentary lifestyle
• Social media addiction (on and off*)
• Caffeine addiction
• Internet addiction
• Judging myself harshly/punishing myself with guilt and blame
• Procrastination (specifically for homework)

On and off* means that the habit isn't constant but comes and goes in phases, they are typically the ones I turn to when I try to stop a different pattern. They are sneaky ones I need to watch out for as I'm trying to improve myself.

How will I stop these patterns?
First, I want to research in depth the causes of these specific addictions/habits. Then, I want to work on increasing my awareness while the act of these habits and question deeply why I should put an end to them. Just making this list was a good start, I think. If anyone knows of any good resources specific to releasing these patterns, recommendations would be appreciated.

Some healthy ways to start changing these patterns:

• I have a vape pen that I'm going to start using again to help kick smoking. I will make sure it's always in my car in case I need it.
• Private journaling in a real notebook (so I don't have to go on my laptop).
• Reading instead of going online.
• Taking long walks outside or on the treadmill while listening to video content/podcasts (reducing sedentary activity).
• Taking 5 minutes to meditate before choosing to eat something unhealthy or drink alcohol.
• Continue mirror affirmations for anxiety.

 

Quote

"I now realize that I have created my condition, and I am now willing to release the pattern in my consciousness that is responsible for this condition."

– Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

 

 

Edited October 25, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

A Return to Love – My Story Continued

Quote

I believe in miracles

This morning I was reading Gabby Bernstein’s book May Cause Miracles. Gabby defines a miracle as a moment in which we choose love instead of fear. The premise of the book is that each day, for 40 days, there is an affirmation and a journal prompt to follow that will eventually lead to a transformation in perception. At 8:30 a.m. I was setting an hourly reminder for today’s affirmation on my phone: “I believe in miracles”. The second I was finished, my boyfriend walked into the room and handed me his phone with a grim expression on his face, “It’s your sister” he said, staring at me. It was an unusual time to call and I immediately thought this can’t be good. When I lifted the phone up to say hello, my sister blurted out that my grandma, the one who has been living with us for years, had passed away. She was crying and I could hear my mother crying hysterically in the background.

After the phone call, I thought back to the time about a month ago when I was in my “manic” phase and I felt a shift in my grandmother’s energy. This was a day or two before I went to the mental hospital. I went home and visited grandma, who had just gotten back from the hospital after falling and breaking her wrist, and I could feel something was radically different about her. For example, I had just moved out with my boyfriend and she remembered that I was home alone a lot, so she said that she was going to get me a poodle as a house-warming present. This was strange because only a few weeks before she had forgotten altogether that I had a boyfriend of 5 years. Not only that, she seemed incredibly calm and peaceful, which was uncharacteristic of her. I think only by having such a radical change in my own intuition and energy could I recognize that she was going through almost the same thing, and that realization shook me to my core. She had let go of the misery she was holding onto for her entire life, and I could clearly see it.

After my talk with grandma that night, I walked into the kitchen and told my mom I needed to speak with her. I hesitated, but I told her that I didn’t think grandma has much time left and that she should call relatives over to see her. She looked at me wide-eyed and asked why I thought that. I told her that I just knew, I could feel it, and I started crying. My mom told me she had a similar feeling but wasn’t sure if it was true. Since my mom believes I’m “gifted” she listened to my advice and called all of our relatives the following day.

So today I was thinking about the affirmation “I believe in miracles” and how it relates to my grandmother’s death, given the uncanny timing and background of the situation. Birth is considered a miracle, your perception is radically changed then, so death must be a miracle also, right? According to Gabby’s definition, I would say so. I believe my grandma’s ego had finally died about a month before her actual death. My sister kept saying things like “she’s been so nice, it’s weird”, “I think that fall knocked some sense into her”. I think what happened to her was a miracle. She had finally given up the perception she had been holding onto for so long. She was so thoroughly reminded of her own mortality after that fall and hospital stay that it changed her perception of life, and she was finally at a somber peace. From this experience, I have new motivation for doing this work, I don’t want to wait until I’m 83 years old and ready to die before I finally make peace with the world as it is.

Edited November 9, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Psychological Warfare

I was doing my own tarot reading and asked myself why I'm so afraid of listening to my intuition today, and I realized that it's because I'm scared shitless of what it is telling me. I feel like my conscious and subconscious desires have split me in two and I can't ignore it anymore. I had myself a good cry, something I haven't done much of lately because my medications are suppressing my emotions. And so the question arises that I finally need to answer: What do I really want to do?

Do I want to quit my job?
Conscious/logic: Your job isn't bad, really not bad at all actually. You don't have to punch in and out. You can be up to 10 minutes late every day and the creative director doesn't care. You have a decent amount of creative freedom, you can design things the way you like, typically. It is extremely flexible with your schedule. The pay is fairly low but you can’t get much better right now. you can't ask for much more because graphic design jobs are hard to come by, especially for people like yourself with no formal portfolio or bachelors degree. You should at least stay until August when you'll be at 2 years.
Subconscious/emotion: You should quit. You know that this work doesn't fulfill you and you don't feel a sense of belonging there. You can always move back in with your parents and you wouldn't have to pay bills. It might take awhile to sort out but you can do better than what you have now.

Do I want to break up with my boyfriend?
Conscious/logic: He is a great guy. He has a good personality, a stable job, and does his best to care for you. Your family adores him too. You two get along well and rarely fight. You have a home together that you've been pouring your work into for months. Why would you leave him?
Subconscious/emotion: You don't want to marry him so what's the point of staying together? You don't love him romantically, and you haven't for awhile now. You still feel this gaping hole of loneliness, even when you are with him. Why are you doing this to him and yourself?

Do I want to travel the world?
Conscious/logic: Well, you want to keep going to school and that doesn't really work. You also have bills to pay and a job that you would need to leave behind. You have enough money saved up to make it for awhile but it just doesn’t make sense to do this right now. Maybe you should wait until you graduate and then think about it.
Subconscious/emotion: Yes. You need to do this asap. I'm not going to tell you why though, you just gotta.

Shit's getting real now and I can tell inevitably that my subconscious mind will win this battle. Either I will choose to do these things willingly or my subconscious will sabotage me until it wins. I'm not sure which scenario is scarier.

 

 

Edited November 17, 2017 by zenjen

[phoenix666]

the subconscious mind is always winning, yes. and it will never tell us why it does the things it does. the question is, will we surrender to it? will we fully commit to it? <3

I feel you, specially the part about your boyfriend. I had the same dilemma last spring.. a part of me was actually relieved when he broke up with me. follow your heart!

[zenjen]

I’m starting to feel the depression again. It feels like a sinking loneliness, a heavy doubt that things will ever improve for me, a loss of motivation. Tears are running down my face as I’m writing this. I want to go back to September now when I was feeling manic, at least I truly felt alive. I know Leo said there would be new lows to come, and some other people I talked to warned me about my depression returning, but I really hoped that it wouldn’t. The best thing I can think to do is stick to my routine and try to avoid thoughts of driving my car into oncoming traffic. My therapist has only been scheduling me every other week, which is probably not enough.

In March I made a deal with myself that if things didn’t improve for me within a year, I would off myself. I still have the day marked in my calendar. Though it’s morbid, it has given me motivation to keep working on myself, to not give up just yet. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life this way. At this point, it’s not even an option anymore, I need to get better.

[Timotheus]

@zenjen

Get angry. Let it all out. Do some vandalism if necessary or little harm to people who you think deserve it. Anything that makes you feel alive. Just let it all out and don't forget to cry afterwards.

Wait until spring comes before you close the deal, the sun might help you.

You are not alone <3

Edited December 12, 2017 by Timotheus

[zenjen]

My story isn’t over yet

I’d like to thank every person who has reached out to me. I’m starting to feel my energy come back. I can feel there are greater things for my life than I have planned.

[phoenix666]

@zenjen nice to see you back here. always remember that feeling, it's right and it will lead you <3

[jjer94]

@zenjen Welcome back. We're all cheering for ya!

 

[Morten]

Really glad to see you are still with us!

[zenjen]

Suffering to End Suffering - The Lion and the Zebra

By focusing all of my energy on eliminating all of the sadness and anger and hate in the world I failed to realize that maybe the world actually needs a little bit of it. Not only that, me trying to eliminate it is actually making it worse.

We wouldn’t say to a lion “no, you need to stop feeding your babies because the Zebra suffers.” Then, if you’re ignorant, you might try to separate all of the lions from all of the zebras and say “There, all of the suffering for Zebras has ended. All suffering is over now!” but then all of the lions starve and die. Whoops. Time to hit the panic button!

Internally, I was trying my hardest to separate the lions from the zebras in my mind and then wondering why I had just made everything 10x worse. It wasn’t my fault that I had tried to do this though, it was the result of a deep psychological wound that made me identify with suffering, that was made by someone else with a deep wound. To tell myself “it’s all going to be okay” was a tall order at that point.

It is okay though, because my crusade was noble and driven purely by love. I just went about trying to get it all wrong.

 

 

Edited April 23, 2018 by zenjen

[zenjen]

@Morten @jjer94 @phoenix666 Thanks y’all ?? *internet hugs*

[d0ornokey]

Much love, I know it gets better. Leo mentions neurofeedback treatment in his 40 self actualization tactics video. That treatment alone changed my life, I highly recommend it. Good luck