Make Happy

[zenjen]

Hello, person who is reading this!

As you may have already noticed, the title of this journal is named after Bo Burnham’s comedy special “Make Happy”. I watched it for the first time a few weeks ago and was oddly inspired by it. I really want to try to get happy, and that is primarily what my journey to self-actualization has been about. I started getting serious with self-help after a severe panic attack in February. For me, it was a personal record of hitting rock bottom. Since then, I have been spending more and more time seeking truth, learning about/trying to challenge my ego, and trying to love/forgive myself.

Since childhood, I have been battling clinical, chronic depression. I often feel hopeless, lonely, and struggle with thoughts of suicide. I also have some social anxiety and issues with perfectionism. I have a long way to go. Still, I think I have been making (very) slow but steady progress with my inner work. I’m here for the same reasons as probably most of the others on this forum. Self-help and enlightenment are hard topics to seriously talk about with the people in my life. Many of the ideas that go along with these topics aren’t yet understood or even acceptable in the mainstream. Though I realize this life is mine alone to fight for, it is nice to have a support network and some guidance along the way. Maybe I’ll even be able to help others.

This will be an all-purpose journal, but I will primarily try to post entries on the self-improvement and awareness exercises I’m doing. In documenting my ups and downs, I will be as brutally honest as possible. I, like most others, usually filter out the bad parts of my life online by omitting certain information. However, I will try to include the good, bad, ugly, tragic, and comedic in my own writing here as I try to “make happy” for myself. So, here we go.

 

Quote

I really wanna try to get happy
And I think that I could get it if I didn't always
Panic every time I'm unhappy like
I'm owed some life
Where I'm always, like, happy
Which is stupid 'cause I wouldn't even want it if I got it
Wait, oh god, my dad was right

 

– zenjen

Edited September 9, 2017 by zenjen

[Truth]

+1 for Bo Burnham, I look up to this kid a lot. 

[zenjen]

I will treat this as part one of finishing this worksheet because these answers alone took me quite awhile to think through and I have other stuff to do today. If you are brave enough to read the whole thing I would appreciate any feedback.
 

Part 1 – Dropping The Roles You Play – Worksheet:

What are the top 3 roles you play?

1.     The shy girl

2.     The artist

3.     The try-hard

4.     The quirky/strange/outcast

5.     The victim

6.     Perfectionist
 

I found this question as being tough to narrow down because I really have no idea of how others label me besides shy. I can only attest to the roles I think I’m trying to play. I think I come off very, very differently depending on the situation around others, so in a way, I play tons of roles. I’d like to be more authentic but I lack confidence in myself. In my own mind, I’m often playing the victim, but it’s not a role that I act out in front of others because I try to cover it up by acting cold.  I chose the top 3 because I think they cause me the most problems, but I might come back and do the other 3 later.
 

What are all the specific ways you act out each role?

1. The shy girl ­–

• I don’t speak up or say much, even if I want to.
• I sit quietly and do my work for a long time without bothering to interact with others.
• When people talk to me I often don’t have much to say. I don’t reveal much personal information in conversations.
• I don’t often initiate conversations. I wait until others initiate conversations (specifically with me) to start talking.
• I will go out of my way to avoid interaction with people.

2. The quirky/strange/outcast  ­–

• Sometimes I purposely try to go against the grain and be different. I try to be unique.
• I will isolate myself rather than try to conform to a group where I am not totally comfortable.
• I am resistant to labeling myself.
• I do not want to be defined, pigeonholed, stereotyped, or put in a box by others.
• I have an aversion to the mainstream culture and mindsets (this has actually alleviated quite a bit over the years though, but that’s possibly because I don’t want to be defined as a “hipster” either).
• I want to be seen as special.
• I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

3. The victim  ­–

• I blame situations and sometimes people for my negative emotions.
• I feel I have been wronged in life/by others.
• I feel as if I have terrible luck.
• I assume the worst possible outcome of every situation will be the most likely one to happen.
• My automatic reaction is to see the worst possible intentions in people.
• I feel powerless in a lot of situations.
   

How did you acquire each role? What traumatic event(s) – if any – created the need for each role?

1. The shy girl ­–

This one started extremely early on and I believe it came on initially as peers started labeling me that way. I remember a plenty of times when I didn’t think I was being shy and I was asked, “why don’t you ever talk?” “why are you so shy?” and those questions genuinely surprised me, and then they made me sad. It got me thinking about what is wrong with me. I thought I was just chilling, being content. I was unaware people assumed there is something wrong with me for not talking.

I remember in the fourth grade, my mom had told me that my teacher was concerned that I wasn’t talking enough and interacting with the other kids. I reacted angrily to this, something like, “What?! She yells at the class all the time to stop talking! Now I did something wrong by not talking?! How do I win?” I thought it was outrageous and hypocritical that my teacher would say that. I was a sensitive and I didn’t want to be chastised in front of my peers by the teacher for talking. That happened to many other kids and sometimes the whole class on a near daily basis, so I just didn’t talk. A teacher in high school did the same thing and told my mom I’m not social enough at parent-teacher conferences, and I was pissed off for the same reason. You want me to be social in class and you literally yell and kick people out of class for talking, even whispering? Maybe it was part of me that had always been quiet (not actually shy, just quiet), and part of me that was trying hard to be a good girl and follow the rules to avoid criticism or embarrassment.

2. The quirky/strange/outcast ­–

I think this one might have started when I heard kids at a young age making fun of people for having certain stereotypical behaviors and realized that virtually anyone could be stereotyped for any little reason. I didn’t want to be pigeonholed, so I went against any stereotype in any way I knew how. This led me to become a hipster and an outcast.

At a younger age, early middle school, I purposely stopped sitting with the “popular kids” because I realized no one in that social circle really gave a shit about each other. They only cared about their status of hanging out with one or two of the very popular kids in particular. I thought, “If they actually care about me, they will come back or ask me why I left,” & they didn’t, so I never went back. The thing is, when I moved to sit with an unpopular/nerdy crowd I didn’t find much more of a connection there either (even though they were generally nicer kids). This is when I truly felt like a lone wolf or an outcast. I don’t think I have ever met someone else who willingly gave up popularity at such a young age, kids usually have the opposite problem of trying to climb the social ladder. If anyone else has a similar experience with this I’d love to hear about it.

I adopted the thinking that popular = mean + competitive + shallow, self-absorbed narcissist bitch and I wanted to distance myself as far away as possible from that. In my early high school years, I took up quirky hobbies just to distance myself from the popular culture, which I thought was stupid and vain. I took up guitar, saxophone, long boarding, & listened to indie music, which went against the popular girl culture at my school (around 2010). Then the word “hipster” was popularized to describe this type of faux uniqueness, and I took a step back to re-evaluate whether the mainstream was actually evil & I found it wasn’t as inherently bad as I thought. I even enjoy listening to top 40 radio (wow!). I still have difficulty connecting with people though. I tend to feel like a misfit or an outcast, even when I am trying to fit in.
 

^ Basically me in high school

 

3. The victim ­–

This mentality could have started with the way my mother treated me from the earliest times I can remember. Every time my fragile emotions were hurt as a child she would take my side and be there to say “poor baby”, hug me, & give me a lot of attention and sympathy. I love my mom, but this wasn’t an effective way to prepare me for the world. In reality, it might have been better that she just told me to suck it up and toughen up, or offer realistic advice, instead of being constantly sympathetic. When I was bullied, when I was abused, when I was fighting with friends or just sad for no reason she always had that same poor baby response to me. I loved it, I felt like it validated and justified my feelings. It was as if she was just as convinced the world was out to get me as I was.
 

 

Edited September 12, 2017 by zenjen

[JannaBanana]

It's amazing that you posted this! I started my "journey" because of Bo's 'Make Happy' also!! 

I watched it for the first time, a little over a year ago, and it completely changed the way I thought about life- for so many reasons. I wonder if he knows the actual impact that 'Make Happy' had on a lot of us (assuming we aren't the only ones). Not only did he give out that temporary -instant- happiness from his silliness and jokes, but he added a depth to it that completely woke me up. I've always been "self-conscious", but I never truly considered the fact that the things around me actually played a huge roll in how I viewed myself and life in general. I was especially unaware of certain things that could impact my "long-term" because I've been stuck on autopilot for so long. So in a way, 'Make Happy' provided me with long term happiness. It made me question things a lot more than I was before, and that's where self-improvement starts.

I love how you went about figuring out what aspects of yourself are truly yours. I was also the shy kid or -as others would say- "mute" in school. It wasn't so much the fear of talking, it was because I just didn't find it necessary. Like you were saying; I thought I was just content, pretty much minding my own business and trying to get my stuff done- hoping that school would go by faster. It is kind of crazy how much not talking actually irks people.

The friends that I somehow made in school were of different "cliques", and a couple of them were of the popular crowd. They were kind of like where you were with it all- I assume- because they slowly started spending less and less time with that crowd. Which I think is great! If you realize that these people you spend your time with don't share the same values as you; what's the purpose?

Did you make the worksheet yourself or did you find it somewhere? I enjoy reading the progress of others and especially if they are similar to my own- like yours! Keep it up!

 

[zenjen]

@JannaBanana Thank you! I'm glad that I'm getting such a good response with the Bo Burnham reference. I think his shows are awesome. Even though I don't watch much stand up comedy I was blown away when I saw "Make Happy" because it was so unlike anything I've seen. I wasn't expecting it to be deep and make a point (and have catchy songs). I think that he was willing to be vulnerable helped a lot of people connect with his show.

I wonder why some people are so uncomfortable with quiet people, too. Maybe they just don't understand and that frustrates them. But, it reflects issues with that person and not you or me.

You can download the worksheet from Leo's video "Dropping The Roles You Play" here  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLIwNF_JTJg&t=621s

If you want to do the worksheet too, I can get back to you when I'm finished with mine & we can compare insights

 

 

Edited September 14, 2017 by zenjen

[JannaBanana]

I completely agree! He's definitely not the typical comedian, which is awesome. Have you seen/heard any of his older stuff?

Thank you, I will definitely download that and try it out. I'd love to share thoughts! It's always nice talking with people who share the same goals. 

[zenjen]

Emotional healing/Self Reflection

Your deepest innermost desire/secret: you want to place all of the love you should have for yourself in someone or something else

The truth you would rather not face: it's all okay, all of it, yep ?? even the misplacement of your love ❤️ 

Admit defeat over your desires and you'll know true peace, keep having them and your life will make certain situations seem catastrophic when they are actually not (at all!)

You fear what you desire most because you've totally forgotten what it felt like to be like a child, and now you think your innermost desires must somehow be evil. The good news, they are, in fact, not! Only suppressing your desire to truly love yourself creates 'evil'. It's not as serious as you think.

Edited September 20, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Androjenous

I've been listening to Leo's videos on male and female psychology. I found it very helpful, but I think I'm an edge case. I often feel almost autistic when it comes to gauging others emotions. I always felt like I sucked at communicating, especially in subtle cues. This is a male brain thing to do. At the same time, as a woman, I like men. I've always felt a bit androgynous if I'm being honest. Sometimes I was mistaken for a boy when I was a kid. I can easily see things from a more male perspective. On the flip side, this makes it very difficult to have close friendships with women, the more time I spend with guys. I've spent time socializing with guy friends to the point where having female friends seems foreign to me. This could be because I've experienced "betrayal" on the part of my closest girl friendships in the past and felt heart broken. I've never really had a man break my heart. They've hurt me, but not as bad as the women in my life. Including emotional abuse from my sister. There is a stigma against me having male friends though, which sucks. Then again, I'm a crier and I tend to get sadness instead of rage. This is probably much more feminine to do. So maybe I'm not so good at logic or emotions, but I'm somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. That's how I like men, too. I think I'm getting better at both and it is a great gift that allows me the flexibility of compassion, no matter who I speak to.

Edited October 2, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Who is the Devil?

I wrote this for fun and reflection upon Leo’s last video. This is a portrait of me in the height of my evil days. Hope you will enjoy.

The devil is a 22-year-old girl who suffers in the basement of her parent’s house (rent free), likes to watch videos of “fluffy kitties” on the Internet, and is afraid of ghosts. She gets overly worried about offending others. Last week she was crying in the Taco Bell bathroom because the world is so cruel. She has had much success in pursuit of her external goals but has no idea why it has not fulfilled her. “If only I could get out of this house,” she thinks, as if it will solve all of her problems. She believes that some external being or force will save her someday, and she is only partially right. She doesn’t understand the universe much and constantly labels her life, which should be “good” otherwise it’s “bad”. She has many ideas of "good" and "bad", and projects those ideas onto other people and things, but this is only in an attempt to save the part of her self that she loves but refuses to understand. She is an ignorant loving fool. She wants her fears and the fears of everyone she loves to be gone, to comfort those in need of comforting, but she’s so delusional that she doesn’t seem to understand where fear comes from. She sometimes thinks to kill herself to escape her own reality. She is as bad as this world gets and she is your worst nightmare.

[zenjen]

Catatonia

My sister was talking about the shooting in Las Vegas this morning with my family in the kitchen.
“Was he Islamic?” my father asked my sister.
“No,” she said, “He was a veteran, he was a 64-year-old white guy.”
“Why would he do that?”
“Because this is Trump America.”

Anyway, my sister and father went on a search to find reasons, reasons, reasons. Was he in the Vietnam War? Oh no, he’s too young for that. Maybe he wanted to create his own war. My sister then compared Trump to Hitler and said that she would assassinate Trump and Pence if she could. That’s when I decided to intervene:

“Assassinating them wouldn’t solve anything. The spirit of Germany was the problem, not Hitler. If he were assassinated, another Nazi would have taken over. America chose Trump because he is what the spirit of America wanted, and if he didn’t exist we would choose someone like him over again anyway.”

Perhaps this wasn’t the exact right thing to say, but it did put an end to that conversation, which was making my dad a bit uncomfortable. My father seemed to agree with me.

Then the topic of mental health was brought up. My grandpa was a veteran with mental health problems. Diagnosed with schizophrenia, twice he had gone catatonic and received electric shock therapy. Once after his time in the service and once after his son died. I loved him dearly. So, I wanted to self reflect on the likeness of my self and my grandfather given my recent trip to the mental hospital. Genetically, I am a part of him, a part that came after one of his shock therapies. I will think this over for a while and maybe journal my insights.

[zenjen]

The Keyhole

In spring of 2016, I decided to get a keyhole tattoo on the back of my neck, directly on my bone. I had wanted it for over a year and believe it or not, I never assigned it any specific meaning until now. I just thought it was pretty and I really wanted it at the time. Why did I get a seemingly random tattoo? I felt trapped in my life and wanted to have control over something and to do something strictly for myself. My boyfriend didn’t talk to me for a few days after I showed him. My parents weren’t exactly thrilled either. I knew I would receive that response but did it anyway. I went by myself to the tattoo shop and got it and there was no pain. I was highly satisfied with it and I still am.

What I’ve been thinking about is that this tattoo actually does have an amazing meaning. I felt trapped in my reality and life and saw this rebellion as my way out. The same way my spirit is trapped in my body until I die and my true identity will never find its way out. I told myself I might get a key once I realize what this tattoo means, but I think that a key isn’t necessary now. The universe is inside me, hiding somewhere in my body that is beyond reach. The keyhole is representative of what is inside my body in that can't be touched.

Edited October 2, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Tuesdays with Ken

I met my therapist for the first time today. He is around 55, my dad’s age, named Ken. I told him about some of my insights and he seemed to wonder why I was in therapy. I’m no longer considering myself depressed or suicidal. He was totally aware of the aspect being, and cited awareness and acting as the observer of your own thoughts. I asked him if he read The Power of Now and surprise(!), he has. I was so happy to find that he understood me and didn’t dismiss me as a spiritual woo-hoo. He said being an older therapist with 30 years of experience, he is more acting as the sage compared to his younger colleagues.

At the end of the session, he said I was articulate, smart, and insightful, which made me feel good. Those are the things I’ve always wanted to be known as but I kept getting in my own way before (probably because of not being totally honest with myself and others). Of course, it’s okay too if I’m not any of those things, but I was open and honest with Ken and I felt like that compliment was my reward. I am so excited to finally have someone who can provide me direct, personalized guidance each week. My next session is Saturday of next week. Hopefully I’ll be able to get on a regular schedule of Tuesdays soon though.

[zenjen]

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

“The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality and my life, as I write this, is vital even when sad. I may wake up sometime next year without my mind again; it is not likely to stick around all the time. Meanwhile, however, I have discovered what I would have to call a soul, a part of myself I could never have imagined until one day, seven years ago, when hell came to pay me a surprise visit. It's a precious discovery. Almost every day I feel momentary flashes of hopelessness and wonder every time whether I am slipping. For a petrifying instant here and there, a lightning-quick flash, I want a car to run me over...I hate these feelings but, but I know that they have driven me to look deeper at life, to find and cling to reasons for living, I cannot find it in me to regret entirely the course my life has taken. Every day, I choose, sometimes gamely, and sometimes against the moment's reason, to be alive. Is that not a rare joy?”

― Andrew Solomon
 

This quote didn’t make sense to me when I first read it in the self-help section of Barnes & Noble, but the idea really started to kick in when I listened to @Leo Gura's video on morality and solidified with my own insight. For every happiness there is suffering to come, possibly at a much later time, but as Leo said before judgment is like spitting into the wind. As someone who has experienced extreme depression and came out the other side, I urge everyone suffering to take this quote to heart and think about the meaning.

Edited October 3, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Part 2 – Dropping The Roles You Play – Worksheet:

How does each role feed into your sense of being a self?
The shy girl ­– I see myself as being an introvert now because that’s how I’ve always been labeled.
The Victim – I am seen as the one who bad things happen too. Poor me.
The quirky/strange/outcast ­– It makes me feel like I’m some type of special person.

How are your roles protecting you?
The shy girl ­– This gives me an excuse not to talk to people.
The Victim – This gives me a scapegoat for my circumstances. If it’s the worlds or other people’s fault, I don’t have to take the blame.
The quirky/strange/outcast ­– By not getting close to people, so I cant get hurt by them.

Which deep psychological needs does playing out each role satisfy?
The shy girl ­– The need for security.
The Victim – The need to feel loved and coddled.
The quirky/strange/outcast ­– The need to feel special.

Which genuine aspects of you is each role suppressing?
The shy girl ­– The aspect of me that is silly and outgoing.
The Victim – The part of me that wants to be the hero, to rise above adversity and not care about what happened in the past.
The quirky/strange/outcast ­– The aspect that wants to fit in and be loved and accepted as part of a group of friends.

Who would you be without these roles?
Probably happier.

How are your roles limiting the growth of your consciousness?
These roles limit the multidimensionality of my character. Especially the part of me that wants to speak up and be heard and fit into the crowd.

How could you be more aware of when you’re playing inside a role?
By being more aware of my roles in themselves. Specifically, being aware of how I tend to act differently around certain people, and questioning my beliefs and judgments about other people.

[zenjen]

“When your dreams turn to dust, vaccum.”

I have been led to follow the self-help spiritual wonder woman Gabby Bernstein. Why? Because I felt an aversion to her and I examined the reason for it. She basically has everything I would want for myself in her life. She is an excellent communicator and writes from her heart. How would I ever know that if I kept my idea that she was shallow because she plasters her pretty face all over her books to sell copies? I’ve come to accept that’s not a bad thing; she’s using her personal gift of conventional western beauty to get people to listen to her message. I might even benefit by doing the same.

So, upon this realization, I took her up as my current teacher and bought a few of her books, as well as her “The Universe has Your Back” card deck (because hey, its pretty and inspirational). For tarot, you pick a card to reflect on your past, present, and future. I thought I’d give myself a reading and reflect, so here we go:

Cards are shuffled and in place, left to right, past present and future.

Past: The Universe has my back
Oooh, the famous card. The universe had my back in the past without me even knowing it. I look at all of my life I’ve led until now and all of the needless suffering and I can finally see the point of it all. It made me an extremely strong person and it helped me grow almost exponentially. In my darkest moments, I would have never believed this message, but it was true all along. I have been thinking a lot about this fact.
 

Present: The more energy and intention I bring to my faith, the more fearless and free I am
Currently, my biggest fear is going back to school and at the same time, dropping out of school. Maybe the universe has bigger plans for me than I possibly could have dreamed up myself if I keep my faith bigger than my fear. This could be a good one to remember in regards to this present fear that I have of choosing the wrong path.
 

Future: I find deeper meaning, and personal growth, amid the discomfort
In regards to the school thing, whichever path I choose will bring me a certain amount of discomfort in my daily life. Either discomfort in doing my homework or discomfort in the fact that I need a degree for 90% of the jobs in my field (even though I already have a job without a degree). The discomfort is just another growing pain, which will happen naturally, hopefully throughout my life. Discomfort is what drew me to personal development and even to this deck of cards, so it’s a good thing for the future to keep in mind that discomfort isn’t a negative thing.

 

If anyone on here would like me to draw cards to do their own reading, I'd be happy to. Just let me know

 

Edited October 4, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

I Got Energy, Got a lot of Energy

I’ve had a lot of off and on energy as my mood has been stabilizing. This is a good thing because I work out every day to get the extra energy out. On the less good side, I feel like I’m not able to focus very well, even though I have been getting quite a bit done each day. I’m trying not to judge these feelings too harshly, though.

I’ve been thinking much more now about entrepreneurship on my path. When I was in the mental hospital, this opportunity basically fell into my lap. I met a man who had taught as a professor for communications, personality courses, and trained leaders/management at a large company in my area. He will soon be my new business partner as I help him design a web-based consulting service, blog, and podcast. I am so excited to get this business project started I barely care about the money right now. This just feels so right as my purpose. I already started on the logo and was working with some website templates today. I think I should look into some books on starting a business.

I asked him if he would teach me how to public speak properly. I took a speech class earlier this year that put me through some intense mental stress, but I didn’t get much out of it. He said yes, he has also taught public speaking as a professor. He likes me because I’m basically the opposite of him, yet somehow the same. I know there's a lot of growth for me to be had in the area of face-to-face communication with others. I think he has a lot of potential in spirituality and he’s overcoming his depression marvelously. We compliment each other's paths in this way.

Anyway, I’m trying to read a lot of books right now that have significance to the new service. I really want my own focus to be a little more spiritual, though. I’m finishing “The Power of Now” and “The Four Agreements” right now and have a lot more on the way. I looked at my family’s book collection and found these, which I want to read next:

I also want to start drawing a card from “the universe has your back” set each day and contemplate it for a while. Today I drew: Instead of praying for an outcome, I pray for the highest good of all. This could pertain to the success of my new business. I was led to this opportunity for the greater good, not my own selfish motives. Therefore, I know already that its success will be granted if I serve my purpose without expecting anything in return.

 

[zenjen]

Overcoming Major Depression – My Personal Metaphor

Do you want to know how it feels to overcome depression? This. This is exactly how it feels. It's funny, it doesn't seem to make sense, and that's just how life is. I kept thinking about this scene and the parallels of it in my own life while I was in the hospital. Choosing to go to the psych ward was my turning point. I was so tired. All of the suffering I created for myself was as pointless as Forrest running for 3 years straight, and just stopping dead in my tracks and turning around was the only thing I could do once I realized the truth. This incident was part of my heroes journey all along, yet it's far from over. It's only just begun because now I'm finding my way back home. I keep looking out the window and contemplating each morning, "it's the first day of the rest of my life." and it's exciting and a little scary all at once, but I'm totally in-the-moment and it feels good.

Edited October 6, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

Happy Mistakes

In my life, I feel like I have tried nearly everything to ease my depression. In fact, my experience on earth started to a become a trial and error experiment in finding a cure for my depression after a while. I became a master of making mistakes. This path led to a lot of agony: relationships, cheating, lying, stealing, alcohol, drugs, sex, nihilism, religion, diet & exercise, vacationing, being a homebody, laziness, perfectionism, succeeding, following my dreams, becoming a workaholic, forcing myself to socialize and more. Damn, I tried it all in an attempt to find an answer (see video above).

I ended up causing myself a lot of suffering. Only when I started listening to what those experiences were telling me did I get to my Truth. And the Truth I experienced was a realization that, unfortunately, none of these external experiences had made me any more happy as a person. Only turning inward and reflecting ever helped me. Now I need to learn to put all the external junk behind me.

When I was putting a gun to my head, I asked God to show himself. I was sobbing asking "where are you?" over and over. I was met by complete stillness and silence. Nothing. Little did I know, that was the answer I was looking for all along and couldn't see it. It's all nothingness, but it all means something at the same time. You must apply your own meaning to everything. A popular choice of new spirituals seems to be seeing everything as love or a cry for love. I would say this is a good way to go, but to get to this point you must travel inward and face your darkest fear, which is yourself in the end. The difficult part is that fear manifests in different ways for different people, so you must search through your own limiting beliefs to find the Truth for yourself.

I was listening to Leo's video on setting proper expectations and was reminded of this aspect of my journey toward enlightenment.

Edited October 7, 2017 by zenjen

[zenjen]

“How will you choose to play the game, once you’ve realized that it is just a game?”

My intuition called me to watch Leo's video on "the dangers of half-assing enlightenment," and I’m glad I did. One non-dual experience did not remove all of my negative thinking patterns, and that is normal because of my psychological conditioning. I was reminded again that compassion and being aware that everyone is suffering in their own way is important, and I should not be thinking that I'm better (or worse) than anyone else. My situation isn’t an Eckhart Tolle situation; I didn’t become totally enlightened beyond a reasonable doubt after a single deep insight. Right now, I simply have a good idea of how I need to move forward in life. That is a gift in itself.

I could sit on my ass and eat banana toast, ignore people, not go back to school, and never have another relationship again. That would be fine, sure, because it’s all an illusion anyway. I thought about that already. But, would that really fulfill me after this insight? No, not according to how I experienced it. I realized that being fulfilled will be quite hard for me as long as I’m working for someone else in a low-consciousness industry and my relationships are tainted because they are built on dishonesty. But that doesn't mean I should never work again or have relationships. That kind of thinking is just silly. On my journey, I feel I’ve merely defeated some mini-bosses and now I need to slay the dragon once and for all. Chances are I’m going to get my ass kicked multiple times before I can finally reach nirvana. Happiness is my goal, and for someone like me who is genetically pre-disposed to depression/anxiety, it’s hard-earned even after an enlightenment experience.

[zenjen]

Shadow Worksheet

I said a prayer for guidance before picking my card to contemplate this morning and got the perfect one! I was thinking a lot about shadow work yesterday night and the potential benefits of it. I watched a video by @Emerald a few days ago that sparked my interest in getting to the bottom of my limiting beliefs through shadow work (watch here: https://youtu.be/SZ90jN2R9n8)

So, today I decided to make a shadow worksheet for myself that could potentially help others too. I just like having the structure of the questions, I think it helps me a lot to stay organized and to not get lost in other thoughts. Here it is:

Pick a situation or person, past or present, that you have felt strong negative emotions towards, then answer the questions below:

1. What judgments arise when you think of this situation/person?
2. How do you judge yourself based on the feelings this situation/person brings up?
3. How have these types of judgments affected your life in other areas?
4. How can you learn to accept or let go of these judgments?

Edited October 9, 2017 by zenjen