Self Sabotaging Issues

[TRUTH_SEEKER]

I just broke up with my bf (gay couple) and I've been analyzing my behaviour in past relationships.

I realized that It's usually me looking for stability and comfort with someone, besides sex and benefits. It's also confusing for me to understand if I really ever loved someone or was it just an addictive attachment from my needy ego + desire for stability, benefits and sex?  My relationships alwas start amazing and beautiful, but at some point, it turns co-dependent, and a lot of self sabotaging mechanisms start to play: jealousy, insecurities, lack of freedom, negative thinking, etc. 

I know it also comes from my childhood:

My father was not very present in my life. He lived with us until I was 4 years old, but couldn't fit in our country, so he went back to his. I know that it left a scar of "abandonment" and"rejection" in me, specially because he always promised to come back, but never did. I transfer that childhood event into my relationships, fearing that I'll be left and specially cheated on.

Instead of being the bigger person, my suspicions and insecurities lead me to cheat a couple of times before, just because I thought "Well, he might be doing the same, so why not?". He doesn't even know I did this, but along with that, a lot of co-dependend types of discussions and disagreements made us break up. I'm not even suffering  much about this break though. I can really spot the lack of love and co-dependency that it was based on. It was basically just comfortable and convenient to me. I just miss having company, regular sex and someone to rely on.

 I really don't want to keep having this type of relationship anymore though (detail: I jumped straight into 3 relationships in the last 5 years). I already know, and even my body asks for a period of introspections and renovation, but I also think I can go through the same issues even if I start a new relationship after years single. How do I stop this co-dependency issue, as well as cheating impulses and negative thinking in a relationships? I know it's bossible although it'll require a lot of work, but still looks like a dead end to me for now...

 

[Annie]

@TRUTH_SEEKER  If you can "fix" your childhood trauma everything else will follow. You may want to read "Running on empty" by Jonice Webb, it helped me.