I Am Terrified Of Falling In Love, Virgin At 26, Gone Wrong, In The Hood

[Santiago]

Hey all, sorry for the semi-clickbait title, I thought it was hilarious. 

So let's get this shit started.

I am 26 years old, male. I never had a girlfriend neither had sex. I dated about 10 different girls, made out with them, etc. but never had sex and never felt anything for any of them, kissing them was like kissing a wall, it didn't even excite me, so I just cut those "relationships". Hell I even sucked one girl's tits and didn't feel anything, I was all the time in my head thinking if I was doing it right...

 

So, in the last 4 years I haven't even tried to be with a girl, it's like I just gave up because I figured something was wrong with me, with my psychology and I wasn't ready, so I just decided to wait.
Apart from that I have felt good being on my own, I can be alone for long periods of time and feel fine, I like to go to the park and take a walk, contemplate the plants, meditate, investigate nerd stuff, focus on the gym, on my career, work, travel, eating healthy, etc. So I never really had an urge for a relationship, or at least that is what I have thought for the last years and still think.


But now, I figured out I am 26 and I am missing a whole dimension of life, which is love and relationships, and it's apparently a big part of life, so here I am trying to figure out why can't I like any girl, and also trying to figure out if I need to be in a relationship in the first place...


So far I have noticed some things:

*My parents had a disfunctional relationship.

*I have seen many disfunctional relationships and suffering around me, can't think of a happy couple I can refer to.

*Whenever I think of a relationship I just think it's based on domination and power, asking the other part to give you as much as you can get out of them, having to let go of things just to please your partner, or having to do X things just to be ok with her and avoid fights.
My view on relationships is 0% romantic, I just think about it scietifically like a nerd and take all the magic away from it, if you don't believe me read the next line.
Of course there are happy moments which I think about as idiotic behavior caused by hormones and your desire for vagina and sex and tits, and soft skin, smell, etc, etc, you get the point right?

*Whenever I start thinking in a girl and idealising her, and when I notice I am doing this it just sickens me, I can't stand the idea of falling in love... you become vulnerable to whatever the other person does, you depend on her, you need "permission" to do things, you lose freedom, it terrifies me!!
So I start a process of deglamorizing her, or maybe seeing her in a more realistic light, noticing that she is a human like me, she farts, has insecurities, I notice her belly fat and other imperfections, I notice her shyness, etc, etc. This process I do is meant to avoid me falling in love with her or get to invested in her, and it probably is a part of the "problem" that I have whenever I kiss them or touch them, they are just another common girl for me at that moment, because of this process.

*I also lack confidence in certain areas of my life, for example my social life which is non-existent, because I isolated myself and ignored my friends, they just are boring to me, they some weed and drink alcohol and go clubbing and I don't like those things so I just stopped talking to them. The problem is that sometimes I start "liking" a girl that is just like them, and like 99% of society, she likes going clubbing and drinking, etc. So I think  that if we have a relationship it will be awkward as fuck when she asks me about what I do for fun, or my social life. Even when she notices I don't have sexual experience.
So, basically I am afraid of what she will think of me, meaning I lack self-acceptance and self-steem.

*Performance anxiety, I can't stop thinking if I am kissing right or wrong and if I am touching her right or wrong, etc. I can't just enjoy the moment.
 

 

Conclusion:
*I have performance anxiety
*Very negative view on relationships, only see the bad stuff and not the good stuff
*Lack of self-acceptance and self-steem in some areas
*Terrified to become vulnerable

Problem: I still really do believe that relationships are stupid anyway, I just think you get stupid due to hormones and then there are all sort of power games and subtle manipulations in disguise, and when the hormome thing starts going away after a couple years it all blows up and ends badly. I also think that I might be wrong with this thought and that is why I am making this post, because 96.7656% of society tries to find a couple, so I have to be wrong...

I don't know what should I do, maybe by reading this you can guide me to some article or source.

Thanks for reading whoever made it to the last line!

 

[Richard Alpert]

 

[sgn]

[gun pulled] [cops called] "It's just a prank bro"

[YaNanNallari]

On 7.9.2017 at 5:44 PM, Santiago said:

My view on relationships is 0% romantic, I just think about it scietifically like a nerd and take all the magic away from it, if you don't believe me read the next line.

For what I know this is why you don't have strong feelings for the other person. Try to not see the other person in any way. Same thing with yourself. You don't have to be a certain way set by others. It's really fun to own your personality. Also you can be attracted to people without it being just about your primal instincts coming into play.

You can also learn to appreciate things around you. A tree might have beautiful leaves, pretty much anything can be beautiful. Once you don't need anything from your environment and when you aren't that serious you can see this. This kind of admiring of other people and surroundings can make people seem something to like.

On 7.9.2017 at 5:44 PM, Santiago said:

*Whenever I start thinking in a girl and idealising her, and when I notice I am doing this it just sickens me, I can't stand the idea of falling in love... you become vulnerable to whatever the other person does, you depend on her, you need "permission" to do things, you lose freedom, it terrifies me!!

Your relationships don't have to be a certain way. If you feel like you lose freedom then make your relationships more open. You don't need to idolize her. Being vulnerable isn't a necessarily a bad thing. It's not worth it to stay protecting yourself from everything.

Relationships are as you've noticed often about just "falling in love" with the other person and it being a monkey show in the end. You don't have to take your relationships so seriously and you can just see them as something fun and positive if that keeps you more motivated etc.

After all it's more about facing yourself in life. Once you learn to accept yourself I'd assume you will learn to easily recognize people who genuinely love themselves and others. This will help you find relationships that are actually worth your time.

As you've noticed you have self-esteem issues and stuff like that. I'd recommend Leo's video about accepting and loving yourself. It has helped me the relationship with myself and others.

 

[Santiago]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read/answer, specially since this post was huge!

I will watch the video tomorrow since now I was just having a brief pause from my study and I need to get back to it.

[Afonso]

Sounds like you have emotional blocks. Meditation will help a lot. Psychotherapy might be useful to surface emotions.