Writing While Brushing Against The Empty Centre

[Telepresent]

I just brushed against no-self.  It scared the crap out of me.  I was switching between reading passages from Jed McKenna's Dreamstate and doing autolysis when it happened.  I seem to have a strong desire to communicate it to someone else (ha!) I think as a comfort, but I'm going to let that play out as something useful will probably come from it.  I'm just going to copy-paste what I wrote below, so excuse the choppy form of writing - it's just how I do it.

***

so what if I just stopped?
just stopped the believing
the mental-emotional connectedness
the mental-emotional attachment to all the OBJECTS I'm making
because, yes baby, I am making them
I am making them all
all the rules all the objects
all the laws and the people
the appearances may be changing around
but the emotional beliefs are making them objects
and here is the seeming paradox again
that the dream cannot be true
and yet here it is
and the paradox lies on a false assumption
that observation and observer are separate
that there is an invisible observer
watching some kind of THING playing out
separate
SEPARATE
one THING to another THING
which of course is the mistake
the illusion of two
SHIT SHIT SHIT
ok yes this is frightening
fuck me fuck
ok
stay with it
stay here
what is the fear?
the same thig
it's shaping
appearance
the fear fears what?
danger
risk
an ending
no self
non being
the black hole
fuck me
that was it
I brushed it
as with all of these
the problem premise
comes in the assumption of two
observer and observed
which is the creation of object
of OBJECT
an object, here, me
writing thinking FEARING
EXPERIENCING
and a body there
and a world there
please
now you KNOW what this means
the dream
the dream
the dreamstate
run little man
run back to your comforting cuccoon
another person
another book
another life 
another 
another 
another
refuge in there being more
in other
in support
in it being there to comfort you
larger than you
why do I fear no self?
I don't know
because everything I am everything I am attached to feel I need must be love want hate desire cry strive dies
it's the breaking of everything I know
know
everything I know
tree of knowledge
what do I know?
NOTHING
I can invoke arguments from whatever
but it's all out of the same dream
that I am trying to deny
using the dream to deny the dream?
got to drop the crutches in the end
yes all I know is I am
and that the experiences I am having
MUST BE consciousness and nothing else
that there CANNOT be a separation between consciousness and conscious OF
there IS not of
there IS NO CONSCIOUS OF
there is ONLY consciousness
and therefore EVERYTHING experienced
'in' consciousness
is no more than a dream
including the fear
and including
especially including
the fucking I that is convinced it's observing
because that's the point, isn't it?
all this time you've been looking for I as the observer
as the witness
it's not fucking there
it's NOT FUCKING THERE
only consciousness
no division of witness and witnessed
and I can't get this shit into words
and there's no point trying