It's Like I'm Trying To Be Miserable

[kieranperez]

So I know for sure my life purpose. I took the course. Initially I was pretty stoked and it seemed like 'yeah, how did i not already accept this?' 

however, i just feel so dead miserable right now. i feel like i keep assuring myself that i'm not going to be fulfilled no matter what i do. i could try having a vision of where my life purpose can take me, just as an example but immediately shut myself down. i have this image of still being sad and unfulfilled. i seem to kill everything i've want to pursue and always wanted to pursue. i don't if this classifies as victim thinking but wouldn't be surprised if it is. 

i even feel stupid for doing this self-help stuff. i know it's not stupid if i actually apply it but i just keep shutting myself down. i keep thinking like, 'this isn't going to go anywhere anyways.' i don't even bother journaling anymore because it's all for nothing and i'm just being delusional, kidding myself, and distracting myself. 

i just feel sapped from years of deteriorating drive from like a decade's worth of continuous failures and disappointments. i don't really feel like i have the heart to change my mindset at this point. every time i do, again, i just keep shutting myself down. 

every time i'm like, 'i need to get a strategy going for moving out from living with my dad and brother,' i just go blank. i jump to, 'i don't know what to do,' so quick and once i jump there i just feel stuck in cement. 

god i'm sick of this bullshit!

[cosmicrays]

What are you doing in your free time?

[Extreme Z7]

@kieranperez  Been there, done that (or rather, felt that)

If you're too unmotivated to take action, then how do you know that it's not going to take you anywhere. You're stuck in circular thought. You think that taking massive action won't make you happy but that belief of yours stems from the fact that you haven't taken massive action yet to see how it's like.

Times like these where you just need to take a leap of faith. You actually don't any reasons to do anything. You can drop all your ruminations and do some work for however much time you want to do it each day. Once you've done your work for the day, you can then get back to your ruminations, what's the problem?

[aurum]

@kieranperez

It's not "like" you're trying to be miserable. You actually are trying to be miserable.

What I mean is that human self-sabotage for all sorts of subconscious reasons. Sure, maybe you theoretically want this awesome life purpose where you live your dreams. But what would that imply you would have to do?

Change. Focus and work hard for a long period of time. And most importantly, you'd have to face many of the fears that are keeping you in place.

As long as someone desires to avoid the pain of growth more than moving up in life, they're fucked. Because you always get what you most want. If you want to stay small, you'll stay small.

Some journaling can really be helpful here to release blocks. Sit down with a pen and paper and just vent all your frustrations. All about how you hate your life and how much it sucks and how you're just sick and fucking tired of this bullshit. Really feel the emotion of it.

You'll know it's working if your actions change.

[ParanoidAndroid]

Even deeper than your desire to suffer is a deeper desire for fulfilment, otherwise you wouldn't be on this forum. Everyone wants fulfilment deep down. The fact that you keep shutting yourself down is simply self-sabotage. Maybe you don't believe that you deserve fulfilment because of low self esteem. Try to connect with your deeper, authentic desire for fulfilment and happiness.

Maybe you need to do something different, something drastic like moving to another country or maybe you should go on a retreat. Are you meditating?

Just know that you can make it out of this phase in your life. You have immense power and potential as a human being. You just need to realise it and let go of the past. Remember that you are not alone.