How To Actually Change Your Self-image

[Ryan_047]

The title says it all..How can we change our self-image?

I want specific techniques on how to do that..no theory,no bullshit,no "fake it till you make it" mindsets.And no,don't give me videos..And if you do,tell the time of when they are getting into actually doing the technique.!I know what negative beliefs I have and I want to know how to actually change/eliminate them.

[poimandres]

1. Find the model
2. Mimic exactly how they dress
3. Mimic exactly how they talk
4. Mimic how their body moves
5. Understand their mindset

Specific techniques are all theory, seriously. You need to have a specific goal you want to change into first. Posting here about "change my self-image" doesn't tell me what you want to change into, just like throwing theory around doesn't help you find your way.

[mathieu]

i recommend this book called psycho-cybernetics by maltz. it was a deep study about self-image and has practical exercises. it was no bullshit.. just do the research. cheers!

[Sukhpaal]

Visualization, Meditation, Mindfulness, and more importantly moving out of your comfort zone. Doing the thing your ego does not want to do. For example, say if you're not great at being social, you can approach strangers and strike up conversations. This will help you change your self image because you're doing things that are uncomfortable, but over time you will get use to it. That is just one example, just try to do things outside of your comfort zone and your self image can change. If you have a low self esteem such as myself, self love meditation is extremely effective! Good luck

[Ryan_047]

@Sukhpaal Can you please tell me what how to do self love meditation?

[Ryan_047]

@poimandres I want to raise my self-esteem,self-worth and and self confidence.I know what I want to achieve.I asked specifically for techniques and not explained why I want to change my self image because some people on this forum like to show off their "knowledge" and ultimately help me with nothing or they lead me on other paths which are not good for me.You might say.."well you might not have the life experience or wisdom these guys had and misunderstood what they said"..If that's the case,no.I can give you examples..

Thanks for the reply.

[Sukhpaal]

@Ryan_047 

Here is a great self love guided meditation. You can practice self love meditation without guided videos but I feel that they help a TON especially if you're just starting off with it. There are also ton of other self love meditation videos available on youtube if you search for them. Just listen to the person speaking in the video and go along with what they say and be mindful of your bodily sensations and your mind. See if there is resistance, etc. Don't be surprised if you start crying because that happens often during self love meditation but you feel super good at the end. Good luck brother!

[Erlend K]

If you want to raise your self-esteem and self-confidence, quick fixes/"techniques" are not likely to give any serious results. You can do things like affitmations to temporarily boost your self-confidence, but research seems to indicate these have little or no long term effects. In order to raise this traits you have to change the way you act in the real world as you go about your day.

Treat yourself with respect, set up personal boundries, stand by your values, push through your insecurities, set personal goals and work hard to achieve them. Etc. These are the kind of efforts that actually build self-esteem and self-confidence. It's a slow process that requires a lot of dedocation and will power. 

[Ryan_047]

@Mad Max I have an idea of how some of the negative beliefs formed,and know specifically how other negative beliefs formed and when.Still,that doesn't heal them.What do you mean by "processing" a trauma?

I've researched shadow work(which I am sure would help me a lot),but all that I've found was some stupid breathing techniques or journaling.Yes,journaling helps a bit cause you can keep track of things that have happened to you in the past..but still,that doesn't heal my past trauma.The only good shadow work exercise I've found is from Teal Swan,but I found it difficult to do.

I can't afford going to therapy..I'm 17,I have no money,no job(I tried to get a job every summer for 3 years now,but my parents wouldn't let me get one).So..now I am trying to learn web development and create/maintain websites.I tried this in the past,but I stopped learning..I was depressed.This is why I want to have more confidence..To be able to have faith in myself and think that the future will be bright for me..My days would be a bit more smoother..Right now I know that the future preservers only pain for me,nothing more.
My family's financial situation sucks and will get worse pretty soon..so no,there is no way I will attend therapy anytime soon.And don't even get me started on school..a place where I spend 7 fucking hours learning stupid stuff I'll never fucking use(except math,English and computer science)..the rest of the subjects may go to hell.Know what's funny?My parents get upset for not achieving good grades to all of the subjects.All of this is causing stress,frustration and anxiety in me..this sometimes leads to depressive episodes.

I already knew before writing this post that I have to do inner work and heal my past traumas.But I don't have any fk idea how am I supposed to do that in my current situation.So yeah,I am looking for a short term resolve that I hope it will get me through the rest of high school and college until I'll finally get a goddamn job.I am not even sure why I even told you about my situation...

[WaterfallMachine]

@Ryan_047

No money for therapy? I had a similar lack of access to therapy when I was depressed.

Check out 7 Cups of Tea. A site with free volunteer listeners. They're trained by the 7 cups site with courses on different problems such as — relationship problems, social anxiety, depression, etc. They are not as good as actual therapists — but many of them have went through similar problems with their mental health themselves and many have good advice on dealing with that. They're also very warm — I distrusted everybody when I was depressed. I had this belief if everyone knew the real me — they'd abandon me. Think of me as weak. I was constantly fearing what they would think of me. But I was able to trust them.

There are free sites online with different instructions for treatments. I've tried muscle progression relaxation, hypnosis, cognitive behavioral therapy exercises, mindfulness and meditation,  physical exercise (research say they boost mood), going outside in nature more (research also says this boosts mood), gratitude exercises, awe walks, research on positive psychology, Enneagram (A study of the types of fears, anger and shame we have in life and how to deal with them in a healthy manner. ), VIA Strengths test (Knowing and using strengths in daily life boost confidence and sense of control) or happiness psychology on free sites like Coursera and so on.

Its best done with a therapist sure — but the internet is full of vast information to help you. Even if you have a therapist — you often only meet him or her once a week. Most of the time spent through the days is done without one and you'd have to learn how to survive without one. There are many experienced practioners like actual therapists and psychologists who give out their advice online — so there's still room for help even without paying for one.

I recommend you this site to start with. Good luck.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/

Also VIA Strengths seem especially useful for confidence.

https://www.viacharacter.org/www/

Enneagram also seems very useful for dealing with the trauma @Mad Max mentions. Here are the descriptions of the types. 

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

As well as a free email subscription with short reflections, lessons and practices for everyday for enneagram.

https://subscriptions.enneagraminstitute.com/subscribers/create

Scott Jeffrey's article series on Alchemical Transformation seems useful for treatment. His Shadow Work article is the best one I've found.

https://scottjeffrey.com/guides/

Edited September 6, 2017 by WaterfallMachine

[BjarkeT]

 

He talks about the topic in less than 5/10 minutes in

one of the most useful concepts I have found so far

Edited September 7, 2017 by BjarkeT

[Elisabeth]

@Ryan_047 Feel with you. Sorry you have difficulties. 

I'm not an expert, haven't tried to do this by any "techniques", but I've observed my self-esteem and my depressed mind changing over the past few years, so I'll just give you a few points I observed in my experience.

In this case, it's important to change both your outer circumstances and inner conditions. Trying to work just on one or the other (just therapy or just taking action) will likely fail to increase your confidence.

Outer conditions do matter. Doing stuff in the real world, just achieving some of the goals you want to achieve is indeed big. It helps you gain a realistic idea of your strength. (Suggestion: You're doing probably well with learning about web pages here.) Achieving some of your goals will take some time, but it's probably still the quickest fix you can get. Gaining some of your independence is also huge. (Suggestions: Speak up to your parents about some stuff that bothers you, and deal with their disapproval. Why won't they let you get a job? Choose your university away from home so that you don't have to live with them anymore.)

As for the inner game, it is very much a matter of shifting your thought patterns - positive thinking techniques do help here. You know your limiting beliefs about yourself. Say you have a recurring thought such as "I am weak and I will never achieve anything". You can shift it in two steps:

1. Mental reframing. Take a close look at the thought and realize how it's false. What does it mean "anything"? Why never? Why would you even think the thought? Have you achieved things in the past? (Give yourself credit for attending school, engaging in a hobby etc. - they are not trivial.) Can you learn things? Then reframe it to something you can still believe. You can say something like "I have managed to cope with life's challenges up to now and even improved myself. I've done stuff [like XX] in the real world. There is no reason to see myself as weaker than anyone else, and with time, I can achieve [some of] my goals." Or even something more positive. 
2. Nipping negative thoughts in the bud. You can be mindful of your thoughts. If you observe the thought (and associated emotions of) "I will never achieve anything" pop up, pause yourself. Tell yourself it's false and think of the reframe. Then go do something positive. An important note here is, that you can only do that if you catch the thought early on - if you're already in a deap loop of despair, it's impossible. In that case, just try not to indulge with the negativity - you can't change it, but you don't have to feed it further. Perhaps take a nap, if possible, or try to get mindful of the body. Writing the thoughts out helps me sometimes too. It's a matter of practice. 

I've been doing basically this (although not always constructing a full reframe) together with getting some hope from Leo's videos, and it helps - even more than therapy on it's own - although it's a matter of years. 

20 hours ago, Ryan_047 said:

Right now I know that the future preservers only pain for me,nothing more.

1

This one sounds dangerous. Leo talks somewhere about the fact that how you view your future determines how you feel right now - and I find it to be very much true. I encourage you to rethink it and do some realistic plans to change your real world situation. And perhaps not just the big stuff - when I was really depressed what helped me a lot was taking charge of my nearest future and always have something to look forward to - a nice weekend plan perhaps with whatever (social) activity you enjoy.

You can take hope in the fact that even if you don't do much focuses personal development and just follow the path of achievement that everyone else follows, your confidence tends to increase during your twenties.

I'm trying to be practical here, but I'm still talking from one sole experience. Hope any of it helps. 

[B Clear]

First accept yourself.
You cannot change what you do not first accept.
Once you have accepted yourself, look at yourself objectively, as if you are a parent looking at your child. Love that child, then gently guide that child in the direction that is best for him. That is where the research comes in, learn as much as you can about the values you have respect for, find teachers who speak of them, then gently, kindly, and consistently guide yourself there.
You must do this everyday, and you can only do something for 'someone' everyday if there is the power of love behind it. So everyday find new ways to love yourself and have compassion for yourself as you guide yourself.
 

Believe in the impossible.... its the only way to break through your limited thinking.