Where To Start After All?

[mustafa kaan]

Hi to everyone,

I'm kind a new on Actualized.org but I was watching almost all videos Leo shared on Youtube Channel..After knock down by ex wife, I was not able focus on my life porpuse. Watching motivational videos gave me temporarily boost but was not what i want. I came a cross that i need to change my life completetly and found out Leo (my hero)..

Here is story that i had in 30 years.

i was a person who had a bad background, childhood and bad parenting.. Rise up in negative, dysfunctional family, all kind of abuse.. And always gave bad feedback "you cant do, dont even try, go to 9 to 5 job nothing else, etc".. Suck in high school quit in last year of school.. I was gaming until last year until i got learn i was cheated on (i will mention later).. Having small goals as "Ohh there is a new video card I need to buy and can play better games" Suck life. Always living near mummy that can save my ass or support financially (mummy boy)..

i had a girl friend a 25 years old charming beatiful lady and was paregnant after 5 months we were together. So I gave up from my job for her to move my town cause she could not speak my language and could not communicate to anyone. So brought her from her country (Ukraine) cause she was not living good and was not country either to born baby in. We were fighting about small things that i never fought with my ex girls ever.. I was thinking something is wrong with her but could not name it.. Until somehow she manage me let her go to Maldives for work and after she find a job for in same resort that i can come in work buy house rise our 2 years old son and blah blah.. She went there started to have fun in 3 days drinking alcohols everynight (she was not drink alcohol with me and she was saying she does not like alcohol) after 13 days of her i got  cheated with a guy 1 year younger than her it was just starting. Baby was with me and need to take baby to her parents cause i could not care about baby i had to work. I had own to banks and friends to send her paying agency company for work, buy stuff for her and etc. When i put my son to her parents and came back she showed her real face blaming, humilitating, judging, screaming all kind of bad stuff.. I was thinking what the f..k who she is? She was not like that last 3 years (illusion love 3 years).. I had to ding in and got the learn she slept 6 guys in 3 months (all has evindence). Finally i came a cross i was facing with a strong narcissist. By the way she was sleeping with my one of relative (very close one who i had most of my time when i was in my town) a month ago.. Big new is she got kick from resort cause she could not enough for resort standarts and came back to Ukraine.. Crying i did not do anything, forgive me, lets live for our son blah blah.. I did not accept so she does not show me my son about 3 weeks..

Im not saying i was a guy who could be good daddy, husband.. No i was not.. I was living like a asshole without real life purpose, goals or targets.. I can say i was living 30 years like a kid.. But after all she knock me down very badly i realize all.. I think i have some mentall illness after her like ptsd, bipolar and npd kind of.

Now what i want from my life mean something earn money,have good relations with people, loving girl friend or wife. I feel like i reborn, got awareness(Leo helping for more) i want a good life take my son from that devil. But i think i have a huge ego that does not let change my life always drag me to my old bad self. I have self-stobage, self-confidence, self-respect, self-love and other issues.. And planing to move to New Zealand start a new life totally but scared that ego drag me back from all what i want.. I was trying to change my self but always coming back to old one.

I want help, i want help where to start like a guideline, i want to accomplish my goals take my son and give a good life that i did not have or her mum. I need to start new career after 30 years old.. I just want help to start.. I dont want to live empty without purpose.. I want my life mean something..

Thanks for having time and reading.. I appreciative for all feedbacks and comments..

Hope you will understand my writing

 

Edited September 4, 2017 by mustafa kaan

[thehero]

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