How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You After You Had Sex The First Night

[FairyTale]

Hi everyone,

As a honest woman, sometimes I have to cope with honesty issues that makes my life as a living hell. Let me explain. I am sure that men can have the same issue with honesty in relationships, for example, when they get dumped after they express their true feelings for a woman. In my case, it was as simple as physical honesty. I met one guy on a dating website after we have been talking by texts for almost tree weeks. We have been talking about sex a lot, and at first, it is not something that was wrong for me. I actually contacted this guy first because I tough ''this guy is so hot'' why not having some great sex with. Then we met, finally. And obviously, we stated to get intimate very quickly, and we had some sexual contacts without having sex. We kept meeting after this date even if he told me that he is not ready to be in a relationship because he just got out from one three months ago. I wasn't ready too because because honestly, it wasn't in my plans. I just wanted to have as much fun as possible before getting back to university, when I though I will find a boyfriend that might one day become the father or my children. We had sex from time to time but, we weren't able to enjoy it fully (I wasn't able to orgasm in any way) because even if we had a strong physical attraction, something was going wrong. We started to build a intimate relationship and two months after, he asked me to stabilize. It wasn't the first time, so I didn't refused because I was afraid to letting him think I am not interested. Now, it has been three months that we were dating, one month in a relationship and I began to get attached. I can't talk about feelings because I know what they look like when they come around. Recently, we had sex again and we hit the same wall. He had his orgasm, and I didn't. We talked a lot and it ended as this two conclusions, I take too much space during sex, he enjoys but I don't. The second one, I realized that feelings help me to orgasm because one nigh he got me so emotional that he made me orgasm 3-4 times. In the meanwhile, we are very faithful to each other and just to tell you, the man don't even masturbate, he leaves all his milk for me. (Sorry, I really had to mention this) That last sex rendez-vous, he told me usually he can perform during sex, but with me, he just can't. In parallel to that, we started a business together and he is very hot about it. He really wants me as a business partner. We talked about the business this night and I told him that I can't invest my energy and give my 200% if I am not emotionally attached to him, this is how my brain work, when I used to make art projects (I will apply in architecture) I always used love as a drive. This love feelings will also provide him my total trust and this trust is somethings he keeps asking for the time we decided to get into the business. Recently, I told him I wasn't ready to invest emotionally in that project because I felt like I will fall in love with him. I can't give him the trust he needs if I don't know he loves me. And this night, he told me something so true that made me cry a lot. He told me that he can't get attached to me because we got sexual the first night. Therefore, he can't have feelings for me, at least, at that point of the relationship, at that point when he needs me to invest my energy in the project. Without him having feelings for me, I can't trust him, and if I can't trust him we can't have no business together. We already knew about the lack of love in our relationship, so there is nothing new, what made me cry so much is the fact that he might never have these feelings for me.  We decided to interupt our bf/gf relationship and stay very close friends (no fuckfriends) until I ask him to stabilize . We will still be working on the project, and the honesty he showed me, even if it hurted me, provided him more of my trust.

This guy is really a good guy, I know that it seems cliché, but I feel attracted to him a lot. He is a family guy, very affectionate, faithful and emotionally strong. He is hot and creative, I really want to go further in the relationship and make him fall in love with me. Falling in love with him after won't be any trouble, and I read somewhere that it's better when the man fall in love first. If someone have ideas to how can I cure this situation so we can build a great relationship and have a successful business ( I believe that love can change everything), so please feel free to drop a line.

[Sarah Marie]

@FairyTale Your username seems so fitting.  First, I don't know if it's possible to "make a man fall in love with you." Just be you, if he loves you he's for you, If he doesn't that's fine too it's just not meant to be. Second, coming from someone who has never had an orgasim from penatration alone, I can tell you that it is possible to have an awesome sex life without him being able to "proform" to his full potential. He would have to learn your body by using his hands, mouth, and perhaps some toys.  I think the best option would be to give it time and space. Be you, focus on you and if it is meant to happen it will fall back together with timing. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but it's true. 

[Ayla]

@FairyTale , what I do with my clients is have them shorten the story to maximum 3 sentences. This will help you see more clearly into your own troubles. Please try that. Max 3 sentences out of what you just wrote above

[FairyTale]

@Ayla Thank you so much for the advice, I always tend to write long texts instead of simplifying because I want to present the situation in it's whole context, so people can make a better advice based on a authentic and specific situation rather than a general situation that can be found very easily on the internet. So I will try my best to simplify and still keep the topic specific and authentic :

1. I was not planning on having a long term relationship, I met one guy and we got sexual the first night.

2. When I got to know him, I was surprised by his personality and dreams, that I wanted to share, and that he wants to share with me too.

3. The fact that we got sexual the first night doesn't let him to have love feelings for me, but if we want our business to succeed, we need the love ingredient in the pot.

 

And my question is, how can I make that happen ? Thank you @Sarah_Flagg for the advice about being me and also about sex without penetration, I have to say that he appreciates me a lot for being me (this is why we keep a honest friendly relationship) and had good time when we made love (no sex starting yesterday) , the problem is more about the fact that I feel like our relationship has no strong basis even if we appreciate a lot each other. Why I am worried ? Because I am afraid that I will keep having hopes for him to fall in love with me and that it will just never happen. Which means that even our business have a high risk to crash.

 

Anyhow, I already presented a solution, taking a break to get to know each other more. Working together on the business might make us forget that we started on a weak basis. Do you guys have an idea about how to start on a new basis and build it strong ?

[Ayla]

@FairyTale, the problem should be included in those 3 phrases...and I don't see any. I see perfectly what you are trying to do... but if you really want to find help, you need to be atrociously self honnest

[FairyTale]

@Ayla, Yes I can do it, so I'll give another try !

1. I was not planning on having a long term relationship, I met one guy and we got sexual the first night. When I got to know him, I was surprised by his personality and dreams, that I wanted to share, and that he wants to share with me too.

2. The fact that we got sexual the first night did not let him to have love/attachment feelings for me. Our relationship do not have a strong basis because we started this way and I am willing to repair my mistake but I do not know how. I want to love him but I don't want to end up being the only one to love and suffer because of that.

3. We are now having a break and I want to know if it's a good start for repairing the mess, and if not, please give me advice on how should I proceed.

 

 

[Ayla]

OK. First, you were not ready and not interested in a relationship. That is, before he told you he had no real feelings for you. That triggered some kind of competitive feeling inside, and you decided that you were interested after all. That's the first IK! 

You are not interested in this guy...it is just the feeling of being unloved and rejected that triggers you. 

Look into co-dependency issues, self worth, and abandonment, all that, independently of this relationship

 

[Keyblade Viking]

Same way a man does it, just be yourself and if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out, only difference is you need to embrace your feminine side and not the masculine (there was another thread I saw about "What does it mean to be feminine" or something like that).

I can't find that scene from the movie "men who stare at goats" but there's this awesome line from there that go something like this:

"Destiny is like a river and if you don't find your destiny you will always be swimming upstream however when you find and follow your path then the river will carry you over there."

"Little miss Ann Frank wanted to be a teacher, well tough titty Annie, it's not your destiny" lol

They said that when they were talking about relationships as well.

The real meaning would probably be that we block up the river with useless thoughts and laws we make for ourselves all the time but when we let the spirit flow and open up our hearts the river will carry us onward and never lead us astray  

[Ajax]

@FairyTale I would like you to first realize that one of the things that men desire most is a woman that is totally faithful and loyal. For whatever reason, he does not fully see those attributes in you and trust you completely. It goes beyond a first night encounter, there is something in the way you talk/interact with him that makes feel insecure and doubt that you will stick around and/or not cheat on him...

Unfortunately, those are his issues to deal with and until he has emotional security... his walls will remain up.  An unfaithful woman is one of man's greatest fears. All you can do is improve yourself, become more of a trustworthy and faithful person.. If it doesn't work out it is on him and he couldn't face his demons. In the least it will change you and allow you to be better in the future.

Don't hope for instant results, be patient and hopefully it will work out.

Edited February 20, 2016 by d1ajax

[Dhana Choko]

If you had sex with him on the first night and after talking with him a bit, you are already ready to jump from "I do not want a relationship" to "I want him to love me", I think he is definitely right in wanting to run away and not wanting a relationship with you. Sorry, but you are not ready. If you are this easily swayed into wanting a relationship, I think he should not trust you nor you should trust yourself in these matters....You should definitely do some inner searching and some work with yourself.

[DizIzMikey]

My point of view is this, be yourself...cliche I know, but I think you would want someone who would naturally like you for who you are, and not pretend to be somebody else. 

Of course...you could research the hell out of the psychology of men and see how you could manipulate the situation in order for him to fall for you. 

I'm in a unhappy relationship because I don't see it as a priority so..maybe my advice isn't the best! That's for YOU to decide.... as with everything else.

[Emily]

I've not read the lengthy original post so this may not be a completely accurate assessment, but from what I have read, I'm sorry to say that if you're having to think of ways to 'keep' a man then you've already lost him. If a guy wants to be with you they'll make every effort to make it happen. If not then move on. Sounds like you may not be right for each other anyway with the game playing, and it's a classic case of wanting what you can't have / thriving on the challenge. 

I would also take the mod's advice to do some soul searching and contemplating co-dependency, etc.

[DizIzMikey]

@Emily AWEsome 

[Keyblade Viking]

I forgot to say this before but don't be needy, best way to do that is to always strive to be your higher self and take "pride" or 'Glory' from that rather than being liked.

Fuck devastating state to break free from - neediness. I'm early on a similar journey right now myself.

[Irina Irina]

This book is tough, but points out the truth.

Why Men Cheat? : The Truth about Why Men Lie, Cheat and Are Disrespecting Females to the Extreme!! 

By (author) Keith Crawford

[Emerald]

Him saying 'I can't having feelings for someone that I slept with the first day.' sounds like a rationalization on his part of why he doesn't want the relationship to go forward in a serious way. The emotions just aren't quite there for him, is my guess. Or maybe he has a fear of intimacy. If he were really interested, that "rule" would be thrown swiftly out the window. If it were  me in the situation, I'd say 'Look, I've had a great time with you, etc. But it seems like we're on two different wavelengths emotionally. I really like you a lot but it seems like you don't reciprocate in equal measure. So, I can't waste my time in a one-sided relationship. It makes me feel unstable and I value my happiness and peace of mine. So, I'm sorry but it's done." See what he does. If he leaves, let him. If he comes back be sure he isn't wishy washy.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[FairyTale]

@d1ajax You are right because this guy have a past bad experience with a woman he loved . She always had many men she was having ''friendly'' contacts with, two weeks after they broke up she was already with another man. Once he was engaged to a woman, and told her he loves her and it ended up with no marriage at all....I think this guy suffered every time he shared his feelings for a woman, so now, maybe he have some, but his past experiences don't let him to express them. Before our break, he was so contradicted in his behavior. He was possessive about me and talking to me every day and was upset when I ignored him for a couple of hours. He tells me he likes me a lot and that I am the best he ever had. He was taking care of me, reminding me to take care of myself and of my problems, and this is why I got attached to him.

@Keyblade Viking You are so right about that, I really need to focus on myself and forget him as a potential boyfriend because in that way he will feel like I am still attached to him and that I can't live by my own. I will try to make him understand that I can live without him in my life but still give him a chance because I know that he is insecure about his feelings.

@Emily You are right too, I am afraid to lose him because I really think he is a man with a good heart (but that he need to connect with more maybe), I will work on my independence and try to meditate more so I can get the right distance and to let go my fears. If he goes away I will have to accept that. But you know what, I think this game you are talking about is more about fear of rejection, fear to not to be loved and fear to suffer (I can talk for myself and I start to feel this is his problem too). Since the beginning we were playing this ''no feelings'' game and the moment we started to have some, we got to take a break to think about that.

Edited February 21, 2016 by FairyTale