My Journey Through Life

[Amit]

From today, I am gonna daily write whatever realities I have been in. I have recently started some daily rituals, which are meditation practice, morning routine and now I am including daily journaling to these routines. Through this journal, I will express my self fully through words in English language. My goal is to figure out what I am, why I am so and where I want to be. I will analyze my environment. Whatever I like or don't like. Whatever I feel and what I think, I will try to articulate all those things as well as I can. I today, commit to my self improvement, I alone am responsible for myself and nobody else is. I will write whatever I learn and from whomever I learn it with full authenticity. I will in my initial days of journaling try to define where I am in the bigger picture of life and how can I move toward the goals and visions which I will describe in the journal. I have decided not to get dragged down by people around me but to change that reality towards a better one by first committing to the change in myself.

[Amit]

at present, I am trying to focus my mind to training between a lot of distraction. The good part is though that my mind is not the part of the problem but the people of my family cause a lot of disturbance. I am going to change the place to a better and calm place where I can single mindedly train toward my life purpose.

Another problem I am facing is of money, for which I will find temporary sources so that I can feel independence to work whatever I want without caring about anybody.

I had a lot of gross addictions which are no longer there. But still I got a lot of subtle addictions, I sometimes judge and criticize others.. Which I will try to stop by carefully applying awareness to my thinking.

mindfulness meditation is still to practiced and made to a routine.

an another facet is that most of the time I feel connected to my inner self but when I go to the outer world and try to be conscious in front of unconscious people, sometime I feel that the pain in them or their emotions transfer to me.

 

[Amit]

I have been watching Leo's videos but now I have started watching them again. At the first time, I recieved through an mind identified with content of thinking and I was projecting myself on Leo and that's why I was not that able to understand things while I sensed the truth in them. Now when my quality of awareness is more I can really see through what he is saying and I can relate with him at more deeper level.

but still I am quite unconscious in the sense of self awareness and which I am trying to grow toward the conciousness about my body so that I can be so aware that I can articulate the emotions in my body. I can relate to my body in a better way but I am yet to grow toward depth.

[Amit]

this is my brief history:

I was born in a traditional Hindu family. We have a small temple in our home where we lit the deepak daily in the evening and pray to god. So my first experience of spirituality started from there when I used to recite the different prayers my mother used to sing before me. I really loved the prayer time. I used to search various kinds of old dusty books in my home, and try to find something interesting to read. I loved reading stories. When I grew older I tried to focus more on what school were trying to teach. Stories were only in language books, Hindi and English. Science math and social science were entirely fact based. When I reached in higher classes I chose math and science as my optional. I particulary liked thinking in terms of physics rather than dry math. I loved the physics and thought this is the best one can understand about the world. I got into college doing engineering, later I did my masters in environmental engineering, which completed this year in June. In this period of 5years in the college, I experimented and risked my life. I become a weed addict for last three years, thus did nothing productive. But still I completed my degree successfully and another thing I have done is to watch many of the leos videos. I got rid of my addiction 3 months before and in this period I have taught myself preliminary web development skills. Now I aspire to be a web developer, so that I can buy myself some time searching for my life purpose later next year. Because my family put a lot of pressure on me for now and this is becoming a major block for creativity still I am pushing forward myself harder and harder now.

[Amit]

now given my history, my present demands a lot of work toward growing myself. To become the hero in my movie, I am now fully prepared to do what it gonna take. Now my top problems are to imagine and visualize what my life is gonna be like. I have learnt a lot through personal development and I am so grateful to leo for changing my life toward better. I love learning personal development. I have been through very rough days during my childhood and personal growth has always been my first priority even when I didn't even know what does this mean. I felt like growing myself to the best when I was so unconscious. Now, when I am conscious, the goal is still the same to grow myself. But I lack experience so I cant still decide very firmly what I will love to do. I have chosen to learn some skills and getting some work to do and let me buy some time to find my quest. Maybe this is my quest to programme softwares or maybe there is something waiting for me to be explored.

[Amit]

so first of all I want to create a routine so that I can remove inefficiencies throughout my day. This is just the basic skeleton of the day, which I am gonna follow from now on. This is the most important thing I can do.

1.brushing, toilet, exercise and bathing ...... takes around 1hour after waking up at 5 AM.

2. Couple of pages of any good book, review the goals for the day(10mins) with breakfast

3.study for life purpose-- block 1 of 1hr to 2hr.

4. Calm down, meditate, visualize the big picture, write down the surfacing thoughts in journal (1 hr)

5.training (2 hr block, no distraction)

6.lunch and rest (45 mins)

7.concentration practice 10mins + resuming a personal growth book while contemplating and writing notes in the dairy (1hr)

 

 

8. Revision and editing of old notes, asking questions, contemplation (1hr)

9. Study and training: (2hr)

10.rest

11.study and training(2 hr)

12.space change, walking and connecting the dots

13. 3hr practice

14.2 hr project

15.journaling and goal setting for next day and editing long term goals whenever needed

go take rest!

[Amit]

till now I have read books such as "A new earth" and "big leap", I found both of these to be very valuable while eckhart tolle has beautifully wrote about power of now and how world can just be. I finished the book just after my first awareness experience and felt the meaning of consciousness to its core. This book really helped me.

big leap also focuses on the same view of the time and how zone of genius can be thought through some questions. Still I am not very specific about my zone of genius, yet I feel like I am heading towards it and will soon have a life purpose after some experience. Consciousness is the most important thing, NOW I feel about it and I have started the book "man's possible evolution" which is really a rich book with heavy content but still now I am getting something from the book. When I first started it, I couldn't relate to it too much.

[Amit]

So Today was great.. I have started my day and followed the routine I have set for my self.

I have done exercise, meditation, finished half book of Robert ouspensky. I have studied JavaScript, learned about objects and sloved a problem. I wanted to do more in this area, but couldn't do because of distraction and lack of specific goals.

observed myself, confronted my father and some negative emotions has come on the surface, thank god I was mindfull and didn't reacted right away. Just realized how unconscious my father is and just drew a boundary in myself. I was aware of the heartbeat raising and the rushing sensations in the body.

now I am feeling more calm, I am also realizing that I shouldn't have reacted to my mother in that moment. But anyway it was very controlled, I can be aware at any time.

[Amit]

so that said, these are my goals for tomorrow.

1.exercise, clean body, eat healthy

2.meditation, concentration, visualization, enlightenment exercises

3. JavaScript: Eloquent js (2chapters with notes)

4. Algorithms: CLRS any 1 chapter

5.examples and algo implementation

6.devise basic idea for project:

watch Leo's premortem video

7.read books and meditate again

[Amit]

I am my worst enemy. Having such a big ego, what a release it is to get free from my own self.

I was always thinking that I am something big compared to them, now I realize that I just am.

emotions I couldn't differetiate between, trying to find out where I am stuck at.

noOne is out there to understand me, I am who is understanding Everything.

I was searching on internet how to be creator, never realizing this is what I am.

creating the sentences out of meaningless symbols, trying to express myself.

am I consciousness or awareness or can I be understood through the language.

trying to perfect my day and night, just to find it will be imperfect.

don't try, don't try!!

don't cry, don't cry!!

or maybe,

try try try Nd cry cry cry.

[Amit]

sitting in the room, under the bulb of light in the darkest room of my house, thinking what will be the perfect object out of numerous to journal about.

Infinite things in which journaling is one, what could be the best thing to journal about.

self esteem issues, judging my ownself how I will be judged by others, but this isn't me, it's my creation. Consciousness is pure which I am, can't be judged.

symbols representative of relative meanings, can't absolutely express me, still will have some meaning to someone, maybe just waste of words to others, whatever real me don't care.

 

[Amit]

yesterday evening I was walking away from my village toward my fields, one old man which was sitting beside my father at the temple on the way, asked me... Where are you?

As I was fully awake and in the moment I said to him, I am here... Where I can be. The old man laughed and I too. It was very good but instantly my mind started chattering that how I am growing, that was my ego... Thoughts ... Inside those thoughts my mind was trying to judge the situation and distracting me from just be. How strange that was... The ego trying to destroy my hard work.

 

[Amit]

when I am only ego, I can't be and thats why I can't get out of my ego. To get out of unconsciousness I need consciousness which is not there.

when I am, ego has gone... Just me, just reality, infinitely wide, deep and long. Indescribable and describable, beautiful and also ugly, complete acceptance.

In between those exteremes I need to try to pull my self towards more awareness.

who pulling whom?

I am pulling myself. Awareness pulling awareness out of what?

only awareness exists, only truth exists, only reality exists, darkness is reality.

so what is unconsciousness?

which doesn't exist.

existence == reality == consciousness == awareness == infinity == nothing == GOD == you == me == "==".

[Amit]

So after reading my 5 months old thread, I was here at dandeli. I just left my job hours ago. I will try to describe the story of my progress here.

So after one month of preparation to being a developer at home, I finally felt it will never be enough for me to learn, I also needed to observe the landscape of IT. I needed to experience the environment that was Bangalore. So finally after talking to some of my best friends I decided to move there to finally stand on my own foot. To survive on my own in this messy world, off course survival is easy now a days but I am talking about surviving in a industry with cut throat competition and being in a job of highest amount of stress. 

I decided to be a developer because I have an mind which is very conceptual and I always thought that it will be a very successful endeavor for me. But I was still a noob. And expectations of my family was very high. So what do I do. I was there for mastery, not mere survival. I was there to be on top of the game. With full of enthusiasm I landed in Bangalore.

Bangalore was a very good experience. In weekends I partied with my awesome friends, who were doing job and in weekdays I explored myself and developer landscape. At the one end it was a high time for me, a serious task to win, but then I was alone and moving fast through things, I but still time was not enough but the desire was very strong to take over this new territory. It was pretty interesting. Finally after a period of 4 months and with support of my friends, I got a job as a developer but not in Bangalore. It was in dandeli which is a small town near a wildlife sanctuary. So I was very happy as I thought it would be a very fun time, I can do both things my personal growth and  development learning at a natural place. What a great gift God has given me. I was on the highest plane. Though salary was very less than I wanted to have and my family was also some what resistant. I decided to give it a shot as my friends were in favor of it too.

[Amit]

Ok now here comes dandeli, nothing what I have dreamt of but still I was hopeful. What I dreamt of is not possible, because it was any other Indian town. I realized normally humans can't reserve nature cause they have their own petty needs, in process of full filling those needs they spoil the beauty of nature and another horrible reality I faced was my office. The USP of business was cheapest product. So it is made of everything that is cheap. I realized that I was there because I was cheap economically as an iit graduate. And on the top of it the business expects their employees to be workoholics, so their was obviously lack of creativity, innovation and novelity. Yes I recognized this lower consciousness stuff, but still I thought I can work as whatever I am providing value here and learning will be there. It was tough going though for these 1 and half months and I realized I am alone. Nobody has an idea what they are doing, their paradigm is still not the kind of successful people. The one thing I liked was that they were making product for masses and their are trade offs for this. So I finally decided to quit as I am not finding time for myself. I want to be in no hurry and do things on my own. I don't like the stress of being a workoholic, I know I can do better for myself and others too. These kinds of things I am not in.  So here I am. Will try to resume journaling daily from now on. Learnt so much in these couple of months. Again to Bangalore tomorrow....

[Amit]

So after a year, I am going to start journaling. It's too much to just keep absorbing and not try to contemplate it and fit into the proper perspective. Writing it helps to contemplate in today's distractive times. After getting over the gross addictions, I was trying to put myself into focusing sober, also not taking needs such as love and respect into account, but I never expected this will take so much time. I alwys kept my expectations high and short term, it has harmed me in ways but benefitted me in some ways. 

Dealing with this assignment made my life grow in a way, so having something in hand makes me run for the personal development and spirituality. There is not a definite way to deal with things, you have to find your balance. There is no point trying to perfect it, better to take a call and experience it, focus , go deeper and see if there's water in the well. 

There will always going to be the water or oil or something valuable, but if you want to be a smartass, search for places where there are trees, if you looking for water. If you just looking for anything, it's better to keep digging and digging at one place. Worst is to dig without not giving a thought to decision process, this will work only if you are lucky, and you don't want to place your bets on luck if you want to have the most rich well. 

Once you decided a place, remember you don't want to change it, so decide wisely, have tools and techniques of master diggers. Hard work it will take, keep digging, having faith on your decision will be most helpful when you're at work. 

[Amit]

I had the self image of a victim, who has been judged, given less than it desrved, my ego always said that I'm the best but the problematic is the people and surroundings. It was the separation from others, which resulted in constant struggles, me fighting with myself.. That's what suffering is. The pain of cutting your finger is you, so nothing is right or wrong. Whatever is is, but it's not the ego. Ego is self image, it might have the understanding of you on a conceptual level, but it's not yet dissoved, it's part of you, yet not you. It's a manifestation of you. What if you are not ego and a part of you(another's ego) fights you, you fight, you lose, you win, but it's still you, not the ego. It's so many manifestations of you in so many forms tangible or intangible. 

[Amit]

So this guy asked me, what if she keeps projecting on me her past experiencing, confusing us because of our similarity of an idea, yet not able to make finer distinctions. 

Me: you suffer because you don't yet see the God playing here with you both. God wants to pull you towards it, and her too. Let it be, just see it as it is happening. Just see the God manifesting things is your life, you could have never imagined. So never try for God, he knows everything about you, he will come to you when it's time, right now he wants to manifest the game. He also gave you freedom of will to see his own self very clearly, from so many perspectives. So I advice you to let her grow, not try to possess her, but move towards your ultimate goal. 

[Amit]

One guy asked me... Why the world is so unfair, why there is so much prejudice, hypocrisy even on Leo's blog. Why we can't observe without a judgement, and all the negative judgement for me, why so unfair? 

 

He sounded very much like joker to me, who is drowning in his victimness not realising he is only victim of his own victimhood, and such people God keeps in the world for his destruction purposes. 

Me: The more you feel like that, and it's true, world is full of bullshit, human has limited itself to a crap. The problem is he thinks everyone else a crap but himself. So people who are closest to God feel like they are being treated worst, people are giving into their natural desires, and it is taking them into the hell. That's why God has made the heaven for people like you, you are there for a reason, for God, for true you, so recognize yourself. Don't fall in the trap of ego, it will eventually die after some time, so kill it now, don't wait me to kill it. Commit suicide, you will find that the nature, the desires I have given to you, I was in those people as maya. I was the whole time the ego which dies, everything dies only I remain, I and you are the same. 

[Amit]

I read this very abusive comment on twitter, and I felt angry all of a sudden, then I tried to notice the thoughts, this filthy person has triggered some of my fears. I was about to make an angry threatening comment, but I stopped, I remembered the past realisations I had, it will be to get into this toxic loop of back and forth argument, and getting into his shitty mind, while he might grow a bit or not, but I will definitely lose a lot. Also, might end up a lot more angry, disgusted. So just let it go, let him accumulate karma, the God is going to make him suffer, and looks like God wants me to stop to help him by arguing with him. Better if I just not act out of my natural tendency but see it more objectively, and keep sharping skills on my work. Thank god for saving me. Free me from the slavery of my own brain, and make me your servant.