Another Unhappy Individual - Help Needed

[Geog]

Hi all,

I know that this issue is discussed here A LOT and basically we all have the same issue: we are not happy. My "problems" are not different from all other posts related to emotional issue I find here but still I want to take some time and write down all that is holding me back, at least this is what I can do for now. Funny enough is that I'm writing this post on my laptop which has the broken display and the image is shaking/blurring effect which reminds me that I feel that same :).

I'm 29, married, father recently, software engineer.  

 

From my childhood I remember myself as being shy. I don't remember any particular moment when I did become shy but I still remember when I was 4-5 years old and I used to tell stories to member of my family and I was confident back then :). So, shyness was a problem I had from childhood, always had problem to face new people and talk with them. This shyness(which I guess include fear to express myself) was hunting me all my life through school, university making me anxious and not operating on my full potential. I could not break from this feeling and I always had poor results. Another reason I think I had poor results is that I had problems to learn things. I had moment when I did learn things easily but most of the time I could not deepen my understating about specific topic because I always got anxious/tired at some level and I just gave up(procrastination). Another anxious building activity in my childhood was that I was doing things that I didn't really want todo. Here I mean things related to house work and other activities which implies a lot of physical work. But I never really expressed(not all the time) my dissatisfaction because I new that nothing will change actually, I have todo what I have todo no matter I like it or not(I wish I new mindfulness back then ). Then I started to work, become independent but after few years I started to feel deeply unsatisfied with things I do and because I still was caring that anxiety from childhood I could not fully express and be happy so, slowly I started to become somehow lethargic and with less energy, tired most of the time. Now I reached the rock bottom I think(I guess there is only one way- UP!). A year ago I started to practice medication I started to read more about mindfulness and all this information about why we are really unhappy. I stared to understand what is ego and basically started to follow some meditation techniques. In the begging I really felt  some improvements and it really made a difference in my wellbeing. But now, after one year, I feel like I'm stuck, all my body is tense and I'm more anxious like never before. I don't have any meaning, I don't have any goal I'm pursuing, I feel like I'm not good at anythings because anything I start will get bored soon because I'm afraid/lazy to be consistent with it because I don't really feel that this is what I want todo. When I'm seeing my family I don't really interact with them, they know that I don't really like to speak and we are exchanging brief discussions and of course I also feel anxious around them. I thought that becoming a father will change things but they don't, I still feel that I don't know who I am and what I want todo. I'm looking for True meaning but all people around have this small talk and recently I became neurotic about this. I started to mark people sentences/ideas/thoughts as not True, as idea created by the ego and this makes me distant from people and all around me can feel this, I can see in there eyes that they don't want to interact with me because I have this sad eyes myself. But at the same time I also recognize in myself that I'm also making all this up from my ego, that all this sadness is an illusion so, I'm stuck into this state of unknown, a state in which I barely can say that I know smth. I feel like all I know is not True and I can't trust whatever idea came to mind. I hardly hear from my intuition because all I can feel is this pressure in my head, a pressure that is intensifying sometimes, sometimes doing meditation is goes away and I feel more light. I know that I have to start working on this but I always fail because I don't feel some willing to change, some inner desire to break thought this and keep myself on track. Also I started to have breathing issues  

Not sure if this post will change smth but I decided to write down my state maybe you guys have some tips with will trigger my inner self to wake up.

Thx you all, this forum is really helpful. 

  

[Erlend K]

This was a very honest and well artiulated post. Even tho you are anonymous it takes a lot of courage to open up like this. I can recognize a lot of the hopelessness and obsessions I had in my twenties myself. There are hope tho. Today I am a very happy person. Unfortunaely no one on this forum can give you a quick fix for this. Fixing these kinds of problems will likely take a lot of hard work and dedication. 

If you are not seeing a therapist already, finding one would be an obvious first step. For serous mental problems medication can be a part of a larger package of solutions. For me Nardil worked wonders for my social anxiety, and gave me the push I needed to start working seriously on fixing my issues.

The most effective things you can do on your own do deal with anxiety are physical exersise, progressive muscle relaxation (you can find guided prm on youtube), cbt exercises and visualisation based progressive exposure followed by in vivo exposure.

The  most effective happiness boosters are gratidute exersises like keeping a gratitude journal or writing letters of gratitude, physical exersise and helping others who suffer more than you. I recently started voluntering as a listener at "7 cups", where I listen to- and try to give advice based on my own experience to others going through similar problems to the ones I went through when I was younger. I notice helping out others make me feel a lot better about my self.

Mindfulness meditation helps for some, but not for everyone. If it dosnt seem to be working for you, you might consider replacing the practice with yoga or self-compassion meditation, both of wich are well documented to help with anxiety and depression. 

Edited August 28, 2017 by Erlend K

[ajasatya]

@Geog how often are you truly present?

i had depression and social anxiety. my problem was the fact that i was constantly

• filled with regret, trying to change the past with thoughts or
• thinking in the next achievement, the next way to satisfy the mental self-image

i solved it with a rigorous training process of 24/7 mindfulness. very little theory, almost purely practice: spend your day focused on what you're doing while you breath consciously. you may notice how hard it can be. the harder it is, the more you're identified with mental objects. attachment to mental objects is one of the main causes for human suffering.

[Geog]

@Erlend K Thx,

I will look into CBT as seems that this is what I need at the moment. Yes I guess I should practice gratitude more because at the moment I'm not actually doing any because, well you know catch 22 :).

[Geog]

@ajasatya well I'm not mindful at all. I try to be but I always end up making scenarios in my head or singing a song(which is a very common in my case). To be honest I don't fully understand how to be mindful all the time. What I mean is that when I try to be mindful I also have this voice in my head talking to myself that I should be mindful and do this and that, stay focus and all this. After some time I find this distracting as well. Can you give some advice on this issue? 

Thx!

[ajasatya]

@Geog it's a common mistake to try to be mindful and just dive into the torrential stream of thoughts. you just haven't gotten the hang of it yet.

the practice of mindfulness is the dis-identification with thoughts. just come back to your breathing. exhale consciously and observe your thoughts fade out from your awareness field for a few seconds.

it requires a lot of effort and discipline to practice the attitude of letting go. but as your practice grows stronger, you'll notice the state of presence in deeper dimensions of your life. when i use words, i can't really grasp the nature of this experience because it's inherently silent.

search for a zen center if you want to practice. the goal of a zen center is to provide the optimal environment for us, humans, to practice mindfulness.