I Have A Bad Habit Of Falling For The Wrong Person...

[Tron]

It has been an issue for awhile now. I seem to find myself becoming attached or catching feelings over a girl after I find out that shes really not worth those feelings or she is not available.

It isn't every single girl who I find an interest in, but I have had multiple times over the past few years where I will start to like someone, it will usually be a co worker or classmate. As I get to know them, I will eventually find out that they aren't quite right for me. They will end up being one of those situations where it is really going nowhere and they are ultimately not healthy enough to really want something with.

But I find it hard to let go. For one reason or another. I am aware that there is no point in putting any energy into it, but I find myself wanting it to work somehow. Or for something to happen. I understand logically that it is straight up stupid, but emotionally I find myself having a tough time with this. It's like I want them to be who I wish they could be. I know this is insane, but I still feel really down or sad that they didn't turn out to be right. 

This girl in particular...we really seemed to be into each other at one point. But I didn't feel like she was putting as much effort towards it as I was. She had other options and was casting me off as a side dude who was a lower priority, but would try to ask me to do her favors (which I refused). So I have been going through this complicated back and forth of somehow trying to let her go but maybe figure out a way to get her to come around.

I know that I need to let go of this. but it is clearly an unhealthy pattern that has happened multiple times. I don't know exactly how to prevent it or get past it. I am better at managing it, at least in the outside world. I am able to just show that I am cool about it to them. But deep down it hurts. And I usually end up in situations where I have to see them at least a few times a week. So it is tough to not get triggered by it all.

I am trying not to beat myself up about this. But I feel so pathetic for it. And I hesitate to put myself out there because it always seems like I end up torturing myself. I am not sure why I end up like this or what it means exactly...I really feel lost about it. 

[egoeimai]

Trust me, you don't  need anyone to be happy. 

[Tron]

36 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

Trust me, you don't  need anyone to be happy. 

Yeah I fundamentally know this. But the emotions feel so real. 

[John Iverson]

Feelings and thoughts are not consistent they are always changing... because feelings and thoughts are not true... 

[egoeimai]

6 hours ago, Tron said:

Yeah I fundamentally know this. But the emotions feel so real. 

Yeah you have to practice this thought, your mind is not going to believe this instantly.  Work on it and its a matter of time, it will happen, you will be free of all burden. 

[Sheeba]

@Tron I can totally relate with you on this one and I'm in a situation right now which feels almost like yours

From my perspective, there has to be an underlying reason why you want it to work out even if you logically know that it is unhealthy. You want something from that person, something like love and attention, or validation that you're worthy, or proof that you are well-composed individual who can be in a healthy relationship, or anything like that. I know that it is easy for me to say this and that you probably know this already, but on a theoretical/logical level

I also know a lot of stuff on a theoretical level, but emotions and feelings prevail and I understand how irritating this ambivalence is... The only shift in me which brought me some peace considering this problem was only when I personally got sudden realisations (which are snippets) of what I was really doing and really wanting and how petty and unhealthy I am. 

I hope I helped even a little bit!

 

Oh yeah, another thing:  Meditate!  Every day!!!

[B Clear]

I can totally relate Tron,

I just broke up with someone. I originally initiated the path towards the break up stating that though I loved them I needed to instate boundaries on the unhealthy inconsiderate way they were treating me. Had three conversation saying that if it happened again we would have to end. I almost broke up with them but eventually did not have the heart to, saying I was not clear if I should or should not. They then broke up with me a few days later over facebook - even though it was a serious relationship including children and they had partially moved into my new house in the three months we were together, they did not even do it on person or on the phone.
I felt so disrespected. Then I saw how easily they moved on. The first time we saw each other a week later, this person was elated having a great time at the event, whilst I was sad for the hurt we had caused one another and the loss of what on some levels was a good relationship. I felt so easily discarded.
With this rejection, I suddenly wanted them to want to get back together with me, for them to want to do the work to make It work - but their absolute lack of desire to do so, just kept injuring me and fueling my desire.
It really is so absurd...

For me I think it stems back to my childhood where my parents rejected me in a lot of ways and tried to 'mold' me in somewhat abusive ways into who they thought would be better. So I think when someone rejects me I yearn for them to seem my value and make the effort to embrace me for who I am.

I am hurting alot about this right now and I'm confused as to whether it is more heartbreak or more the rejection issue or just the result of both. I am still confused.

And I do know the saying that we don't need others to make us happy. I do believe that but I still have a need to not be rejected and am working on that.

I don't know if my story helped or not but I do resonate with yours