Deep Insights - Solo 4 Month Retreat - Bam!

[Gabriel Antonio]

What I Learned From Doing Nothing Four Hours a Day for Four Months

Hello, all!

Well, hello, Myself. This is purely selfish. I am only sharing with you my personal opinion -- which can be 100% different from yours. My truth is not your truth. My the Truth remains the same.

 

BACKGROUND

First of all, let me introduce myself: It is October 2016, I was going through the worst year of my life hands down. Never had I felt so clogged, out of balance, and prone to addictions. I was taking an antidepressant, which was causing me to crave food like I never did before. It was really sad. I felt a worthless piece of shit, watching TV for 8 hours a day, not leaving my room, throwing all my youth away.

One day, I found a little bit of Marry Jane in my sister’s room. BAM! I wanted to try that shit, even though I had had a so-called psychotic episode a year ago. I was feeling extremly nervous because I feared all my highly psychotic thoughts and emotions would come back. I decided to mediate for 30 minutes, and, BAM! I lit my pipe in a sacred, filled with respect manner, and INSIGHTS started popping in my head.

 

The first one:

Whatever you are going through, it is okay.

It was so okay to feel like a piece of junk. It was okay to gain to much way and really destroying my vehicle. It was okay that I felt completely out of balance, out of love, out of proactivity. I was dead inside.

So the first thing that popped into my mind was: we have got to get back to meditation. I had recently learned of the ¨Do Nothing” technique, which I felt in love right the first time I saw Leo’s video title. It made totally sense. “I don’t need to calm anything. My mind will automatically clean itself no MATTER WHAT pops. The worse piece of garbage, the lowest quality thoughts.” In a way, all thoughts are the best thoughts you can have. Ain’t that crazy?

 

Well, anyway, four hours a day sounded like a good idea. Not only would I not meditate for four fucking hours, I would also completely give up on taking that stupid antidepressant (sorry, I got emotional here). The thing is, my simply rejected that piece of garbage. I am sorry, but it is. It makes so feel like you are a fucking worthless person. Why? Antidepressants can put into a deep state of comfort zone. Your lowest tendencies show up. But, anyway, they might be needed for some people. What I did was completely reckless. I could have entered a deep state of sadness.

However, I was tired of that shit. I was tired for that fatigue. I knew that I was perfectly fine. I knew it! I knew it! However, after an awakening experience in 2015, in which my ego COMPLETELY dissolved, my ego came back with TOTAL, BRUTE, EXTREME force. I could not function in society anymore. All the things I had worked really hard to overcome came back with an incredible intensity. I became highly socially anxious (I had already overcome that), I had pain through various parts of my body (I had been practicing yoga and was getting into some advanced levels), and I began to like to be treat like a baby (I had been living in a foreign country and was doing incredibly well at my academics and work).

So, this is the background.

 

Starting the Practice

How Was My Routine

I woke up at 4:30 AM almost daily effortlessly. I felt as if all the energy that I accumulated during the year was being purged. I felt a deep sense of vitality. I began to treat my body with respect once again. And a better word is resilience. Trust me, your body is much more resistant, stronger than you currently believe.

Then, I took a cold shower (100% cold, no excuses). Second, I went downstairs to the kitchen and sucked a whole lemon and drank two cups of water (with mud filtration). Third, I went to my backyard and climbed some stairs to a very spiritual place we have here in my house. In essence, I felt like a zen monk.

Now, you might thinking, “This guy is insane! He is torturing himself! What a jackass. Where is the divine feminine?” But, the thing, I loved that routine. Every time I practiced something against my mind’s will, I felt a deep sense of strength. Of spiritual strength. This was beyond anything I externally. It is an inner drive. You are developing your will-force muscle. But, again, I did that with immense joy. It was not easy, but it felt so fucking refreshing! I felt like a surfist who wakes up really early to enjoy the arising of the day. And WORK HARD.

 

After this little routine, my meditation routine started. 60 minutes. BAM! Easy. Then, I would often jog for 40 minutes and go nature.

Then, for the rest of the day, I would be in “free mode” as long as I pulled off the 4 hours. I experienced with all sorts of times of meditation: 1 minute to 120 minutes. The goal was: 4 hours daily. 

 

Was it Worth It?

Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t be here today. My practice was highly neurotic, but it fucking worked. Below I will share some insights with you. I want to thank in particular to three friends I have here on this forum. Dragullar, Quantum (JKG), and iago. They were my sangha for those months.

 

INSIGHTS

Impermanence

Obviously, when you sit down to meditate for 1 hour, you clearly see the impermanence nature of the mind, body, and emotions. Even life, you know. You are just sitting there, thinking whatever you want to think, and you begin to see how life is unfolding without your participation. Now, you can be a catalyst for the awakening on the planet. But, really, the world and even yourself will awaken some point or the other.

 

Everything is in Balance

You think your life shouldn’t be the way it is? You think you the world shouldn’t have this chaos? You think you shouldn’t have strong negative emotions? (especially F. alse E. vidence A. ppearing R eal)

Haha, it is all there for a reason. Your mind is nothing but the coolest form the divine has found to express itself as your own individuality. So, why do you fight so much with your thoughts? Have you ever sat down to just sit for 40 minutes and allow your mind to go crazy? The thing is,

 

You Do NOT Need Other People

Now, let me explain where I am coming from:

Yes, friends can assist you in your healing journey, but it IS possible to be happy in complete isolation. BUT, let me tell you… LIFE FEELS AMAZING WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

First you gotta heal yourself. Then you can share the gifts of your innocence with the world. Did you know that you are the God of at least your body?

 

“You do not exist.”

You, as an entity, is a complete fabrication of your mind, just like the Christian God is a fabrication of the human mind. However, there is still a light within all being that is capable to set intentions. This light is called awareness.

 

All you have is this very breath.

Just like a river, you will be a completely different person after a this very breath. For some reason, you think there is a continuation, but really there isn’t. When you are truly present, you forget that you exist, you forget that the world around exist. You simply become a source of divine inspiration. It is amazing!

 

DO NOT LET ANYBODY TELL WHAT TO DO

As you can imagine from a 4 month solo retreat, while still interacting with others (to a minimal, of course), I had some weird-ass urges. I was involved heavily with radical honesty and shadow work, so I did some EXTREME comfort zone challenges. I am not going to mention here, but it was the HARDEST THING I have ever done in my life.

I exposed myself completely. I told EVERY SINGLE TINY SECRET I have ever had to my mother.

I died that day.

 

Why Did You Stop?

So I stayed with this hardcore discipline for 5 months until I took a very special psychedelic, which opened myself to Love. I already knew the Truth. Now, I wanted to explore the feminine, the Mother Kuanin, the Virgin Mary. These are all synonyms.

This hardcore practice seemed unnecessary after I found out my life purpose. Seriously, when I found out my life purpose, everything fell into place. Even though I utterly love spirituality and the monastic life, my true calling is for the world, for the Sangha, for the One in All.

I admit that I treated myself with very harsh self-discipline; however, I now have many inner skills.

 

SKILLS

Extreme endurance (physical, emotional, and mental)

Deep patience

Extremely strong will-power muscle

Equanimity.

Spatial intelligence increased

 

What about the ugly side?

I experienced almost everything that Leo mentioned in the video “The Shadow Side of Meditation”. I felt the most extreme emotions ranging from full-blown rage to full-blown ecstasy. 

As I advance in my practice, I am beginning to experience the more “crazy-ass” symptoms. For example, visiting other astral realms (in a way that feels as real as it is now). But, now, I have a solid foundation. A SANGHA. I am only able to face so much crazy shit BECAUSE I have a protection. I would have freaked out by this moment had I been completely by myself.

So, yes, in a way, you are the only one here. But at the same time, you can get insane. I am being serious about that. Eckhart Tolle was an exception. Most of us NEED social support. Sorry to break to you, but the path is MUCH MORE smoother with a community of friends. REAL friends. Ok? Not virtual…

But, if you feel an authentic urge to isolate yourself, do it! I did that for 4 months. I barely spoke. I was 100% focused on self-development work.
 

How Do You Feel Now?

I feel amazing, strong, and youthful. I have accepted the fact that I am a natural spiritual seeker. I always gravitate back to the Divine.

Right now, I have a dream life. My work is aligned to be life purpose. I am becoming financially independent. I have amazing relationships. I am taking yoga and meditation classes. And I am also lifting weight (which I have always wanted to do).

The thing is, I feel healthy. The retreat was very important to my healing journey (to cut through a lot of bullshit), but I would say that the main trigger to waking up was the psychedelic experience.

I feel optimal health. In a way, it is just a matter of accepting that you have no control over it all. This way, you rest. And when you rest, you let Supreme Infinity work itself through you. It is as simple as that.

Now that I have experienced the source, everything’s put into perspective. You go like, “HOLY SHIT! OBVIOUSLY! THAT’S SO FUCKING OBVIOUS!” It is so clear, but we forget.

 

YOU ARE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HEALING JOURNEY

- Take care of your body. Move it, shake it. Breathe deeply from your abdomen. Take cold showers daily.

- Nobody really matters. Remember, “an opinion is just a figment of someone else’s imagination.”

- As you Awake, you might feel uncomfortable sensations. Get used to feeling uncomfortable sensations. Treat them the same way you treat positive sensations.

- Develop your own individuality.

- Step out of your comfort zone in small doses is ideal.

 

That’s it, people. That’s what I felt like writing for now. It is so weird because I don’t feel like “I” wrote this text, it feels like someone is writing for me. I love you.

Hehe.

This is how divinity communicates with itself, I suppose.

BAM!!!

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Guys, feel free to ask any questions. 

I thought of some: 

- Did you get enlightened? 

Definitely no. My monkey-mind got extremely crazy up to a point that I was literally risking my life. I got so in such with my solar plexus chakra (which is responsible for "will-power") that I simply I understood the power I have within me. (Which is absolutely infinite). Do you understand this? It's fucking infinite! Think of quantic physics. It is like a mirror, spreading infinitely outward and inward. We are part of this vortex. If having this insight means "getting" enlightened, so, yes I got. But only AFTER psychedelics. 

But really, don't take this enlightenment has some woo-woo concept. Enlightenment is the fundamental basis of Reality. 

What really helped cut through the ego was the down-right exposure. It was so freakin' intense, dude! I confronted my biggest fear EVER. You wouldn't believe if I told you. Anyway... I suppose I had a rude awakening experience. And this Alert state varies throughout the day. It is really cool. Sometimes I think I lost it, but then... BAM! Here it is again.  

- How did your family react? 

It was so fucking hard. I was acting like a 5-year-old. I was SUPER rebel. And I was very rude also.

I live with my sister, grandma, and sister. Dude, meditation is a woo-woo thing in Brazil, and they even made fun of me. It was really hard to put up with other people during that time. Not just my family, but, really, almost everybody. I dived so deep internally and I got so acquainted with how the mind works that at some point all that big fucking structure COLLAPSED. Haha. 

It is a daily challenge to keep my individuality as a spiritual seeker and don't get lost in the concrete jungle, if you know what I mean. Hihi. 

- What tips do you have? 

Well, my meditation sessions were kinda sloppy. Hehe. But it kinda felt good to just sit there and do nothing. Just think, think, fantasize. And really engage in all that mental masturbation. But at some point I saw how I was becoming highly unpresent when I was doing meditation. I don't know, it was as if I couldn't relax, you know? Well, I was really having a DEEP spiritual purging. 

> Be aware of Spiritual Purging
They're real. If you do the do-nothing, your mind will come up with all sorts of fantasies. It is really crazy how it is possible to actually let go of all control. And just let the mind think the most HORRIFIC things. This includes having sex with an alien, the taste of shit, and ways to kill yourself. I am being serious here. This is not funny. It can be terrifying, if you have a weak mind. 

So... 

> Strengthen your Mind
You probably have a very sloppy mind. You are always in your comfort zone. Well, that's how the mind is designed. Haha, crazy, huh? We do not need our survival instincts on, so really 99% of your fears simply do not make any logical sense. It is absurd. Utter Absurd. That's what the mind is an Utter Absurd. Haha  

> Be more Playful 
Dude, you can get enlightened today, but really why do you look so hard? (I am telling this to myself). Even if I allegedly get this final A-ha, this total samadhi. So what? I will be dead very soon, and what I will take away from this life are moments of true sincerity and sharing. 

"Repeat after me: Life is a shit if you take it seriously. Fuck positivity. Fuck other people. Fuck society. Amem."

Praise the Lord!!!

Oh Hallelujah! 

Let's go Gospel! Hahahaha 

Cheers from São Paulo 

<o> 

 

Edited August 28, 2017 by Gabriel Antonio

[aurum]

@Gabriel Antonio

First off, congratulations not only for your growth but for being with your practice that long. That discipline will take you a long way.

Now see if you can take that peace and calm into the real world, not just when you're meditating four hours a day. I'm not taking away from what you did, but I've found it's common that people are unable to translate the insights they had on retreat when they have to engage with the world.

 

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

@aurum i am slowly integrating the insights. It is a challenge to be in this crazy-ass world, but I have chosen to participate in it. 

My greatest healing has co.e from simply extracting myaelf from people-pleasing mentality, which really is a killer to authenticity. 

In a way this retreat was kinda pointless, but I guess I had to go through it to just relax. 

Right now, I must meditate for about 20 minutes or so, when I feel like it. I do not have a rule. It sounds pointless to force myself to be physocally still for so long, if I am already peaceful. Why not try to bring that calmness to others? 

Being present in meditation IS NOT easy. You see, there are many ways to become present in this very moment, but you gotta choose your weapons, equip yourself, because the Ego is trickier than you think. Sometimes what we call ego is actually a wounded inner child. 

People, life is passing. It is time to be youself. Or do you wantto be completely forgotten in the myriad of Samsara? It is time to break the pattern. 

Thank you for posting! Very nice input.

 

[Heart of Space]

I didn't know Emeril Lagasse decided to start mediation.

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Heart of Space HAhahaha! 

Dude, it is just like the sound of a thorn: BAM! Wake up! Don't you see that the pursuit of enlightenment is kinda pointless, because you already are it. That's why we created thorns so people can finally become AWARE of Reality. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Guys, please do not use meditation as a way to escape our nasty world. There is no such thing as "toxic" people; you just haven't found the way to their heart. Living like a Yoopie becomes kinda enjoyable. And most importantly, being able to be a channel of healing. I am being serious: You begin to see people healing right in front of your eyes. It is a magical experience. 

Hahaha, anyway, folks... What enabled me to have this consciousness was overcoming shyness. You just don't see how much ego there is in social anxiety. It is like 1000000000000000x inferior ego. How do you cure it? By being more cocky. 

I feel so free after I have overcome this disorder. Seriously. LIberation....