No More Dreaming , Time To Build.

[Anna Konstantaki]

On 12.11.2016 at 4:39 PM, misko55 said:

And I have a article written. There is an article and my name by it on the internet!It is shit , it´s for one of those free IQ tests websites , you know , if you click on them , you already failed the IQ test. But hey , Rome wasn´t build in a day.

hahaha 

[misko55]

I am the cause of all my misery.

Yesterday I cutted a person out of my life , constant re-scheduling for meetings and when I invited her this friday to go out with my friends , she asked if she can bring hers. And then she was there with her friends and we didn´t exchanged a single word as we were just ignored by them.

Now. Why do I feel bad about cutting her out of my life? That was disrespectful! 

Anyways , this incident showed me that I still act from the ego and emotions. I stopped working on myself and got distracted with jobs ad relationships and what not. I see a lot of progress that I made , but I stopped and got to blinded from my awesomeness , believing that I am somehow better ,because I am aware. I am not.

It is back to basics , it is back to meditation , back to emotional mastery. It is back to work , that so blatantly showed me , will never end.

The good news is , despite that I got so comfortable that i stopped working on almost everything , I am at 13% body fat ,only one percent of the one I want 12% , so it is not so bad.

Body and mind , body and mind.

I am writing my own private journal and made a decision to read last 7 days in it every morning ,it is there that I will write about everything and here only the important things , only summary of my path.

That summary could help someone not do my mistakes , me complaining about jobs and society is not productive to write or read nor will it help somebody.

[misko55]

I am sick today , but still productive.

Now for people who want to cut some people out of their lifes ,a word of advice! Think about it real carefully and make sure that your execution of it is respectful and dignified to that person , I failed there.

I putted my ego aside and tried to apologize for the way I did it , but I got no response ,still ,at least I raised to taking my responsibilities and trying to correct them.

Funny thing is , as I was hoping that she would respond to my apology text (I would call , but I know she wouldn´t pick up) my Australian friend contacted me as she edited my writing for a contest and then Gina , my German language partner and a girl I fancy everyday more and more ,correct my German application for vocational education in tourism for this summer. And I know that this week is very,very busy week for her.

So at that moment I realized I concentrated on a wrong person ,on a negative one , when I have this two awesome positive people in my life , so I told them how much I appreciate them.There is a lesson in there somewhere , to concentrate on the positives and appreciate the people that are good to us , it is funny that we usually concentrate on the bad stuff and people.

I had a great moment yesterday as I met a Colombian guy and an Italian girl and after just hour of talking we went out for a glass of mulled wine ,it was a nice moment. Perfect strangers.

Aside from that , I am now an organizer and co-organizer of some of the international events here in Leipzig , I made that step as I always wanted to build some kind of a community , it is a very exciting project for me since going to those events has ,along self-development , really rejuvenated my life.

My essay for a writing competition is almost ready and I will be sending it soon and looking for another project.

I am also working on a project to start my own YouTube. The start is going to be about geography , starting with islands in Caribbeans and about East Germany.I am now working on the content for the episodes ,planning to start making them in March-April and start releasing from on the 7th September every Thursday until the summer.

On the other fronts , the Agentur fur Arbeit is still fucking me in the ass with all the bureaucracy and from next week I will probably start working at McDonalds (yey , I made it in life  ) ,still , they offer me a free German course and I have no intention of working there past the summer ,so ,I am happy with that. I now have a plan worth fighting for!!

I am so busy that I no longer have any needs to kill time with video games or TV series or football games ,there are much better things to do. But , I know better now not to ignore my inner work and continue meditating and working on myself ,so that I don´t have outburst like this Saturday and cut someone off my life just because I wanted her to feel the pain I felt , wrong reasons to do that!.

I didn't had an outburst like that since 2014 and I am a really calm person , but still , I am better than that and on this Saturday , I wasn't.

 

[misko55]

Well ,9 days ago I started really strong , back to working on myself , nothing is going to stop me this time , I said... except for the cold...

Life has a way of making me eat my words as I fell to the cold , being a typical guy , where you don´t know if I have a common cold or ebola. And the damn thing sapped all of my energy and momentum. Just proves to show how little of a control we have in our lives.

Speaking of life making me eat my words , today is exactly 3 years since I at the McDonald´s for the last time and I am proud of it! But I am back in the system ,since I cannot get social help form the state and I took a job.... at McDonald's. Yup , my ego is still hurting me but they are offering me a free German courses that I really really need.

Life is a funny thing ,4 months ago , I had money and time but I was still going back and forth between ideas how to make it on my own ,trying ,failing ,pushing. I was forcing myself to make ideas and just like everything that was forced ,it wasn't that good. And now , I have it ,I have a pretty good idea ,so good that I am not putting it here or anywhere online for others to see and steal ,yup that good. Funny thing is ,I don´t have money now to implement it and so we are going to exchange the time for the money ,so in couple of months I will have money , but no time.

Oh life...fuck you too.

But it is not so bad , this is the most money I will ever be getting for working less then ever. It is 7 hours in a day and I have 2 days in a week free and this time my job is 30 minutes away from where I live with just one tram line and no school to worry about. Unlike my last job where I had to spend 9 hours at work and commute 2 hours in one direction , making me waste 13 hours on work ,here I am wasting 8 hours on work and the rest is for me.

I can work with that and actually McDonald´s seem to really care for their employees ,at least here in Germany ,as I got the schedule for the next month just as I wanted it and free days along with my vacation aligned with arrival of my friend from Croatia here ,so bosses do seem nice and conditions are surprisingly high.

As long as I can buy myself time to stay here ,be on my own and continue this self-development journey ,I am happy. Working on one self and continuing move forward with gathering experience is all that matters.

[misko55]

Just 364 more days!!! I started at my new job today and I signed a year contracts ,so here comes the complaining about my job back  hahaha ,naah.

10 months of self-development and welcome to mediocrity Danny boy!!! Well actually ,it is an improvement and it is where I belong...for now!

I had a 5 month vacation and coming back to work just...sucks.After 5 months I can see that my motivation has fallen a little bit ,forgetting about the horrors of the rat race and I got a little bit lazy , comfortable and complacent. And there is nothing like a shit job to kick you in the ass and get motivated again.

Instead of complaining like the last time ,I have decided to turn this into a little game ,character building game ,considering my job as a gym where I get paid to work out... work out 8 hours 5 days a week ,but my stamina will increase and I can use that.

This is also going to be a great test to my time management ,my emotional intelligence ,perseverance and to see how much do I really want to do this.

Also ,good news ,bad news here. After not eating anything Mcdonalds for 3 years ,I eat today since I wanted to use the free food there to save a few cents and fuck no!!! How in the hell did I used to eat that shit!!! I wanted to throw up after that "burger" ,no way jose, that I am putting anything like that inside of myself ever again. Right now all I want to do is jumping jacks through the night to get it out of my system. Just a few bits have made me feel like I have bigger boobs then some girls!

I have also observed a few people today and honestly I got scared. Scared about the future of our species. It was not judging them like I usually do ,but a moment of "holy shit ,we are going in a wrong direction".

Anyways ,I got to go back to work , real work ,my work ,the work we all here do. I am feeling motivated for change and I am going to milk this motivation cow dry. Probably gona start with 1500 sit ups to get this shit burger out of my organizam , I looked at that ... food?? ... can I call it that?? and I wanted to throw up.

[misko55]

para pa pa pa.. I´m hating it... (yeah a pun about McDonalds commercial)

Today I had a deja vu ,I had them through out my life and usually more around critical times in my life...I had it while working in McDonalds.

Anyway , I am not going to go in a direction of complaining , it is McDonald's , it is universally known that everything about it is shit!In 3 months I will have the same amount of money as I had before my vacation and travel through Berlin-Dresden-Prague and then quitting my job.

Quitting that job was the best decision I ever made ,bt I had no clue what to do. Now I do. You know it´s true! it rhymes.I needed that time to figure myself out and for the first time in my life I took uncalculated risk and now I know what I am capable of.

So in 3 months time or 86 days , I will be quitting this job and switching to part time ,maybe at McDonalds (worst case scenario) and take TEFL English courses.If I want to be a writer or do YouTube in English ,my English needs to improve ,now it is good and mistakes I make are negligible in real life ,but so visible in professional.

The job is trying to destroy me ,but this time ,I am not letting it. Yesterday after a long day at work I went to play table football with Gina and when I come home ,I work ,I plan ,I meditate ,I learn. No surrender this time.

Tomorrow I am also meeting with Marilena ,that person I eliminated from my life ,she apologized and I am willing to meet and discuss and see.

There is so much more to write ,but I need to find the courses for TEFL here in Leipzig (or I will take on-line) ,do my writing ,meditate ,learn German and at the end of the day ,contemplate about my situation,my life ,death and just be aware.

This dead in around 60 years if I manage to get 86 years old is real fucking motivator , even more so as I meet some of the most boring people I ever saw here at McDOnalds , 60 and so year old women that shit give everybody shit if they make a mistake. To be like them ,petrifies me more than death itself!

I am to sexy to work at McDonalds... I mean smart...yeah ,smart... that's what I meant

[misko55]

It is an interesting notion that emotions come from the inside. It is interesting to take the responsibility on yourself instead of putting the blame on the external. I never wanted to take responsibilities for fuck ups , because I didn't want to take the blame. But responsibility and blame are not the same thing ,now are they?

This time last year , I got back to Leo´s videos as I watched "How to forgive someone". There was a girl that hurt me in 2014 and as I was rolling nicely in my self pity my good friend told me about Leo and I started this journey and not even a full year later , I was in Germany , so many things have changed.

But I got comfortable ,stopped meditating , I ate badly. I was working ,sleeping , watching TV shows and playing games. I wasn't really happy but I was content enough not to rattle the cage.And then a year ago I got a text from a familiar yet unknown number saying sorry for her actions and just like that I was triggered. I wasn´t meant to date her or marry her , but I guess she had a pretty big an important role in my life beacuse of this.

After a year, that I got her text and it send me back to depression and pain and the fact that I really started doing self development starting with February this year, I got this results.

1.I shredded 7% of my body fat down to stable but always fluctuating between 13-15% body fat , I work out regularly and I take walks.

2.Changed my nutrition , this year I ate around 8-9 kebabs ,last year I would eat that much in 2 weeks. I learned how to cook ,educated myself about nutrition and I used to eat just meat ,mostly meat , now it is there just for the proteins ,I don´t really enjoy it that much. I also cut drastically on sweets and I drink sodas only in company of other people ,parties maybe ,but even then I avoid them. Also ,green tea ,love me a green tea.

3.Meditation , now it is not regular ,but it is better then not at all , it is a struggle and who would have guessed that sitting and doing nothing could be so hard on bad days.Also self contemplation and being aware has changed my perceptions of mistakes , because , now when I make a mistake , instead of feeling bad about it , I notice it and learn from it.

4. I used to watch around 2 TV shows per day , now I have 3 in a week and they are not priority ,I watch them when I am really tired.Back then , I was looking forward to playing video games for a whole weekend now I install them and uninstall after a week. I still struggle with PC games but I am getting a hang in it ,I just see them as wall between my dream life and me and that wall needs to go down. Also , now I watch informational YouTube videos ,then I used to watch some guy play video games.

5. And now we come to the dreams , I fulfilled some and this is just a start. I am no longer dancing as the wind blow ,I am more and more being a stone and standing up for myself.Now I do work at McDonalds ,that I absolutely hate , so from time to time I do swing as the wind blows ,but it is very rare and McDonalds is my responsibility ,McDonalds is the repayment of old dues and once they are repaid ,world watch out!

This last 7 days I failed. As I got the job I went back to a short depression ,being anxious , irritated ,lethargic and generally very unhappy with the shitty situation ,but this situation is going to last for only 83 more days. And that is ,to be honest ,a small price to pay for a whole life ,24 years of being lazy ,irresponsible and doing damage to myself and people around me as that was me and for that I only need to do my time of 90 days.

And that is the lesson I learned this days. There are several ways you can look at something and I can go back and bitch and moan about shitty life and working for a company that I literally hate and was always happy to read about if they closed a restaurant ,were kicked out of some country or had heavy financial losses.

Or I can realize ,that this is my doing ,this is my punishment , it is not nice , I hate it , but I accept it and I know that once this dues are paid I will be a new and a free man. Years of doing damage ,repaid in two years of hard work. I will be looking at a clock slowly moving tomorrow in a Hell (my nickname for McDonalds) and I will not feel that way ,but I am fortunate.

Fortunate to be getting back more and more of control of my life and as the last 7 days were a failure , last 365 days were a pure win.

It is still a long climb to go ,I ain't perfect ,sometimes I wonder who reads this and if they judge me for my writing or my mistakes as I am definitely not a poster boy for self-development, there are better journals out here to read and learn from. But I am moving forward ,slowly and in my own way.

[misko55]

Emotions come from within... I tried to take another look at it and used that way and I didn't hate my job....for two days. By the third day I was exhausted and it was hard to use mental power.

But I know where that pain come from.

First ,it is all charades ,this system and I don't want to play my part. But this money is going to give me options to not participate or at least decide how to participate in it.

Second. Excellence. McDonalds and excellence do not go hand in hand. Those are some of the worst hamburgers you can eat.But I have decided to get the best position there (McCafe) and the moment I started putting more effort I already learned how to work at two station. Two more in the kitchen and then to get to cashier and then it is McCafe. It is a shitty job ,but I will strive for excellence in it and to get the letter of recommendation for future.

Third. And this is a biggy. It hurts my ego that I am working for that company and it is hard for me not to judge those people who eat their ,especially as I can see them judge me when I have to sweep the floor. I keep getting thoughts " well ,I am making a lot of progress on month to month basis and in few years I am certain I will be at some awesome place in life and you will still be doing your shitty job and eat this shitty food", I try not to judge ,but they make it really hard by buying food and not even opening it but throwing away ,or take just a bit and then throw away.

I am trying real hard not to judge them and then I see this fat dude or girl ,eating 2-3 hamburgers and throwing tomatoes and salad away...like the only two ingredients in this whole atrocity that calls it self a hamburger that are actually good for you!!!

On the good days ,I am capable of just going full selfish and do everything in my power to strive for excellence and not think too much about it. At those days my job is even like a meditation ,calms my nerves. I come home and I achieve so much ,learn ,train and meditate.

But now ,after 5 days off comes the challenge. I have to work 6 days in a row. Decisions of what I will do ,wear and eat ,have all been pre made so that I don´t drain my will power on basics but use it to try my best and stay in this positive mindframe thru all of the 6 coming days.

Aside from the job thing ,everything else is pretty uneventful. I went to Christmas Market and tried new food ,hanging out with my friends ,learned a song on the guitar (what a wonderful world) , eat healthy ,work out ,learn ,meditate ,watch Leo´s videos.

I am actually in a pretty good spot now ,if I was in this spot my whole life ,I would never go into self-development since I would be content with life. But I did started doing this and in couple of months I will outgrow this job and I will be hungry for making moves into my life purpose territory. This is just a building phase ,a build up of force to go out and take what I want.

Awesome life....coming soon.

[misko55]

Actualization ,I will never achieve it ,I am not special ,I never was. I suffer from my temperament ,my big ego and my strong emotions. I have just wrote a very long rant about our society here and this thought has hit me ,so I deleted it.

I am a failure ,it has to be said. It is not as negative as it sounds ,being a failure means that I have tried and even after 26 years of nothing but minor accomplishments , everything else is a failure. But I keep on going ,I guess , this is my role in this world, because somebody else would already given up ,but not me ,I keep on going ,I keep on trying and I always will. It is from failure that you learn the most ,you don´t learn much from the win.

I have changed lives ,people have actually said it to me ,that I influenced them in a positive way ,so if my failures are going to do that ,then I will keep on failing.

I have always believed we can do better and I always dreamed about being a hero that will change the world and I will go down in history as a great man ,but I am not ,I have been a brave coward my whole life ,being a coward since I have never really showed to the world who I am ,I always protected myself and my emotion.

My strong emotions and my big ego are the things that are going to be my down fall one day.

I will fight the system in the only way I know how ,by learning ,by failing and by give that knowledge to the others for free.

I wanted to be famous ,I wanted to be known ,to be celebrated as a great man and even this journal had a bit of a dark side in it as I wanted to test my writing and hoped to get a recognition and people to give me a like or in this case a reputation. These thoughts are holding me back and I need to stop carrying them.

I will love ,even if I am unloved and I will help ,even if the role was reversed I wouldn't get helped ,I am renouncing my dreams of fame and I am accepting my responsibility ,I will do things because they are the right thing to do ,because my heart tells me so, not so I would get gain. I have already minimise material stuff in my life and now I am to minimise in my life ,my internal "stuff" and I am committing to being a student of life and to shair my lessons with the world for free.

Be the change you want to see in others...it is so corny and yet it is right. Lead by an example ,it is much harder than one would think ,as I my heart is making loud beats now as I am being more open then I am comfortable with.

And to you , my reader ,I don´t know who you are, but I know you are awesome!!!

 

[misko55]

The end of the year is so close and despite being a very bad year on the political grounds ,for me it was the best ever.

Now I would said I can´t wait to see what the next one brings but that is kinda stupid ,since ,year are ,just like time ,our inventions.

Anyways ,I got 3 more months of woking at McDonalds before my financial status is stable enough for me to take a part time job and start TEFL courses ,cant wait for that since my job is so mundane and boring and brings no value to the world ,but I am surprisingly content with it. I know that it is a stepping stone and I am alright with that ,Rome wasn´t build in a day.

With new year ,comes new challenges and this year after sorting my gaming ,TV series ,eating and general laziness ,we are going to tackle watching to much stupid youtube videos and my addiction about eating a watching stuff at the same time ,it is getting out of hand. Also ,the biggest challenge.....stop judging people. Yeah ,that is the big one and probably the hardest one since I can read people and my judgment of them is heavily influenced by their face ,expressions and voices and I am rarely wrong about people. Still ,no more judging.

Aside from that ,I am doing my meditation ,eating relatively healthy (waiting for my first paycheck) ,working out and for now I am quit happy with the situations in my life.But I am looking forward to kick starting this into life purpose and stop being a paid mercenary.

[misko55]

They are all shooting and I am just sitting here trying to meditate. Not the way I expected to celebrate a New Year.

But it is kinda pointless to me ,this whole celebration ,every day should be celebrated.

But this is THE NEW YEAR... and now we people will start with New Year -new me , and I guess so many of those online coupons for Gyms are going to be bought ,so many new year resolutions going to be said and nothing done.

It is scary seeing in person the things Leo is talking about ,about people being on autopilot ,lowerself. I saw it yesterday as a coworker of mine, that is pretty overweight, was watching her mobile phone and eating McDonalds and I could hear her body suffer with every bite and I could see how she is not conscious of what she is doing.

But that is not the scary part ,the scary part is... I used to be that person and on some bad days.... I am that person.

And seeing people today with their empty gaze at the McDoanlds menu...they don´t know what the fuck they are doing there. They saw McDonalds and they went in because.... because... and I know why ,I did it. You know it will make you feel bad on so many levels ,but that moment of self gratification... you are so weak in willpower that you do it.

And that scared me ,since I almost paid 81€ for War Thunder premium account... and I almost bought Indian food for 7,50€ and I wanted a bloody cake to celebrate a new year... I fight the same temptations like them ,but I controlled mine...at least today.

But seeing this thing in other people and realizing that sometimes I am in their shoes is scary...but motivating.

I am a completely different person today then the one who entered 2016 ,but it wasn't new years resolutions.

I used to feel misunderstood and not fitting in.... hahaha ,now I am definitely not fitting in...but I am happy about it (happy as in Leo´s happy ,being content). and I easily jump out of my bed in the mornings fueled by what I plan to accomplish ,about my life purpose and for that I am ,and always will be, grateful to 2016... the year of change.

If I could give it a title it would be:"Daniel is finally dealing with his shit".

Happy new year actualizers ,special day for many ,just another day of meditations ,mindfulness and hard ,very very very hard inner work.

[misko55]

Hard work almost everyday ,I almost killed myself at the job ,I never worked that hard ever in my life. It is astonishing how many people choose to eat at McDonalds for this holidays. I am very sad for them.

Despite all of the hard work ,when I come home I cook for myself and I work out ,meditate and learn. It is incredible to watch my willpower getting stronger and stronger and saying no to temptations.

Even today as I came home and my light bulb decided to stop shining and my room was dark ,I worked out. There was a voice in my head that wanted to justify not working out by... look , the light is out ,you can´t see ,you had a hard few days and you are tired ,just take a break.

And I will take a break.... breaks are important ,doing nothing and minimising is also important ,but today was not the day for the break and I know where that break leads as I also cooked in the dark and I really ,really wanted a justification to go out and buy a take-out.

My biggest problem right now is that I am like a religious person now. This actualization is changing my life to a whole new level and I would love to share it with everybody so we all could live a great life ,but... I guess everybody need to come to that conclusion on their own and forcing people into this is no better then schools ,jobs and religion.

I pity those people at McDonalds... I am so sad for them. And that bugs me ,it still feels like judging them ,I don´t know them ,but I also feel like I do. I feel angry at them at times but in truth ,I am maybe ,angry at myself since I used to be them and I see myself in them and I see them waste life away ,like I did.

And this thoughts only make me wonder if I am really making steps in the right direction here.

Two more days of work and then I have a free day and I will start with my biggest challenge. Practicing not doing anything at hope that I don't go insane.

[misko55]

I had great plans for today. I had a 2 days off and I had great plans for them. I also got a an e-mail for interview to get that ausbildung place in tourism. And I think that the girl I like ,likes me back.

I was doing so good this past days and today I wake up to a text from my mother saying that my grandma lost her 3 year battle with the cancer.And here I am today ,just doing nothing ,wasting the day away.

But it is okay ,it is just another life lesson ,very painful one ,but a lesson.

Her death is putting things into perspective as that uncomfortable notion of dying one day rear its ugly head.

After laying perfect plans for this whole week ,this is life telling me how ridiculous I am to even think that I could have everything under control.

Jobs ,politics ,media ,movies ,games ,religion ,every little shit we do is a distraction and it is amazing how badly we treat each other and ourselves. Treating like everybody is going to live forever and we have all the time in the world.

[misko55]

Plans ,yeah ,how did they work out for you genius??

Well ,this last few week and days I have been busy with...failing...or as I like to call it now ,learning.

I am more aware of my behavior and it is funny to watch my old habits clashing with my new habits.My head is more of a battleground for a some kind of a civil war in the last few days, as I try and try implementing some new strategies to improve this thing we call existence.

I can say I am winning but I am not losing either ,rather ,having a lot of fun with it. And getting good lessons from it all.

This is it! Maybe ,I am finally going nuts,

[misko55]

Wake up ,make mistakes...learn from them ,go to sleep. Repeat.

[misko55]

I wanted to write something… something big, something that will change the world, a masterpiece. I am also lazy, so… I wanted to write it from the first go. I am a walking perfection so I should deliver something perfect, it is logical, right?

There is only a small problem of…hm… not being perfect. Ahh, that bloody perfectionism, costed me a lot of stuff. I remember being a kid and starting to draw something. It was never good and I would get frustrated. Funny thing is, it was always at the start, I would draw a line with a pen and it was….not perfect. One bloody line and I would give up because I can´t produce what I want.

Did I say that I wanted to write something big, something amazing that will change the world?!?

Empty eyes, every day I see hundreds of empty eyes, people that gave up, people that buy unhealthy food as a comfort food and then feel bad about it, being trapped in that ruthless cycle.

I called them idiots, I judged them, I ridiculed them and then in a midnight hour, sitting in front of my laptop writing something and then re-reading it and think “ Oh god, this is shit what you just wrote,” and then grab a chocolate to make myself feel better… I am them!

I am not them, I am different! I want to write something so amazing that it will change the world!

And then I realize…so do they. Everybody wants to do something amazing, something so big, that we don´t know where to start, how to do it. So we draw the first move and it is not perfect and we give up.

We live in a society where people are petrified of making mistakes, but mistakes are how we learn! So we all crumble from the pressure, peer pressure and worst of all, from the pressure of our own expectations.

 Did I mention that I wanted to write this amazing masterpiece that will inspire and change people´s lives for the better? I want to help them all!

But I can´t, I am afraid of being judged, I am afraid of making a mistake, so I get frustrated with my life, angry even, get into my petty little life and hurt people around me and in those moments, if I would look into a mirror, I would probably see….just another pair of empty eyes.

“I” can´t change the world…but “we” can!

I want to write something small, something imperfect with a bad grammar and not fully thought out thought, but from the heart. Something positive, something screaming –You are awesome! Because I think the world needs it, that you need it, that I need it. And I should also probably work on it to make it shorter…who the hell is going to read this!?!

[misko55]

Learn from this.

Yesterday was a full year since I started posting here. So much has changed and nothing changed at all.

I have a hard time thinking what to write here. I am -almost- completely honest with myself and have less and less need to put things on paper. It was easy to write at the start when I would be proud of meditating ,working out and eating healthier. But now that is a normality.

It was easy to write how much I hated my job and the one I am doing now, I hate even more, but that job is my responsibility and my choice and the feelings it gives me are also my responsibility and my choice.

I have written so much about jobs and this system, words full of hatred and bitterness, thinking I am the next big thing, that I have discovered the hot water, but I was just another miserable person in this world spreading the negativity.

It is funny that when you take the complaining out of the picture, you have nothing to say, when you take the prideful ego out, you have nothing to say.

Maybe that is why we associate quite people with wisdome, TV characters like (Yoda) who say almost nothing, but the words they say leave a mark. Maybe there is something so powerful in silence that so many people would rather talk about weather then be in silence.

All I know is that I used to spread the negativity. The question is, how to spread positivity?

 

[misko55]

I went to a interview for a tourism job and just like that I was taken back through time. It was the same shit where I was a year ago. Cubicles, computers, telephones.

The whole process was controlled from beginning till the end, it was an assessment. We had tests, practical tests, a break were we could talk (but I bet even that was to see who we were). Lets just say, I didn´t liked it.

I thanked them for inviting me and giving me a chance and said that I don´t see myself there and walked out.

This has given me a little bit of panic since I chased this and it ended up being the same shit I ran from. I can see improvement in myself as I allowed myself to walk out of potentially bad situation.

I so badly want to change my McDonalds job, but that doesn't mean that I should take the first shit that appears, especially if it comes with 3 year commitment and quitting it would put me in the same position I was when I quitted that other job.

But it was a great experience and I started laughing while listening to other participants as they were complaining about the system and describing events that were so familiar to me.

I learned one thing. If I want to be happy I will have to do something radically different. I am in a weird place where I went to far to turn back to have a "normal life" but I am still to scared to cut that cord with society and do my own damn thing.

[misko55]

Building infrastructure and doing research. I feel good now since February the 20th was a year since I committed to this and if I look down the road, I have actually done a lot.

And that is just in a year, I have committed to a life time. I wake up easily in the mornings as I am excited and motivated to continue my work, I do feel like I am going somewhere and that I will do something eventually. But the journey is nice.

Depression is behind me, I do have bad days, but everybody does, my gaming days are also behind me, I don´t play games no more. I am not even tempted anymore, they just waste my time. Meditations... I don´t remember the last day that I didn't meditated.

And best of all... beautiful sunny days are coming back and I am always more productive in that time then in winter.

I still do and always will hate my job and that is why we are doing this so that I don´t live of a job, until than it is just an necessary evil, but also a source of motivation.

Anyways, I love my life and I will make it awesome.

[misko55]

Enslaved people taking orders from enslaved people... I think that this is the definition of todays time.

We know jack shit, the world is just insane. Everybody doing the same shit over and over again, thinking that this time it will be different. Isn't that Einstein's definition of insanity? Who knows anymore, it might be fake, just like our sociaty.

Anyways, I have been doing well. I ran out of steam and for last 2 days, I wasn´t really productive, but instead of going down and doing the negative self talk "You are being lazy" bla bla bla, I learned from it. Connecting why and now I am in a process of reconstruction.

This whole process is pretty much just reconstruction, since we all got badly "constructed" by society, so now, we need to tear it down and build anew. And despite people like Leo in the world, this reconstruction process is hit and miss sometimes, no other way than to build something and see if it works and how to fix it or what to build if it doesn't.

And of course, with all the bullshit in this world, it is a bit hard to build the right things, even with people like Leo, since we all forget, Leo is also in the process of rebuilding.

It is fascinating watching him grow alongside with us.

Still, I feel afraid, I feel like we are outnumbered. A couple of days ago a guy and a girl order a McFlurry from me, so I gave them and they looked at it and said "But it is nothing like the picture!!!" , pointing their fingers towards the menu panel. And I laughed and said. "Marketing!! Welcome to capitalism!"

I didn't wanted to learn about marketing in school, I dismissed it because I thought everybody is like me, they can see through it, but now I know that that is not true.

i am afraid that humanity is going towards extinction and we call it progress and civilization!

I stopped judging people and it is worse now, since, now... I just feel sad for them and sad for all of us.